To Protect Her Son

by Stella MacLean

  NATE WATCHED GAYLE leave the table, his mind on the evening and how much he’d enjoyed it so far. When he’d invited her along, it was because he needed to see how Adam and she related to each other in a social setting away from the conflicts arising from day-to-day living. Now he recognized just what a dilemma he had gotten himself into.

  He hadn’t been prepared for tonight, for the easy way he and Gayle talked, her open attention to him, the things he said only to see her smile.

  He had never been with anyone who appealed to him more than Gayle did. When he’d first met her, he’d been attracted to her, found her different from other women. But now he found himself viewing each day in terms of whether or not he’d be seeing her.

  Thankfully this evening he’d been able to legitimately say that they were out together to help him better understand his client. But in understanding his client, he’d come to understand a little about Adam’s mother and her courage in raising a child alone.

  Yet he had to admit there was more to his feelings than simply admiration. Her vulnerability drew him to her, made him want to protect her from whatever had caused the desolation he’d seen in her eyes the other night in her backyard.

  As she walked toward him from the ladies’ room, her hair swirled around her face as she moved, the curve of her hips making his body tighten. He had to be very careful not to have her misunderstand that helping her son came first. Yet he hadn’t been out with a woman who made him feel this good for a very long time.

  Gayle slid back into the booth across from him, her legs brushing against his. Their eyes met. He wanted to reach across the table and take her hand in his, simply to touch her. For a few seconds he thought she was about to do the same. She hadn’t moved her legs, and he could feel their warmth through the fabric of her pants.

  “What about dessert?” Adam asked.

  “Sure,” Nate said, still focused on Gayle.

  “Do they have chocolate cake?” Adam glanced around the restaurant. “Hey, Mom, are you having dessert?”

  “I’ll ask the waitress for a dessert menu,” Nate said, continuing to watch her, the way she pressed her lips together, the hesitant smile that turned up the corners of her luscious mouth.

  “Hello, you two,” Adam said. “I’m here, wondering if we’re going to have dessert.”

  They both laughed at the same time. With an effort Nate turned his gaze to Adam. “Absolutely.”

  * * *

  NATE HAD TO admit that he felt a little let down when it came time to leave. At the same time he was relieved to be able to focus on something other than how he was feeling, and how those feelings were making him want to do something he probably shouldn’t do.

  He’d followed her back to her place on the pretext of wanting to speak to her for a few minutes. But the cop in him wanted to see for himself that she got home safely. When they arrived in the driveway, he got out and followed Gayle to the door. Adam went in ahead of them while Nate waited with her. As they reached the front step, he couldn’t stop himself from breathing in the strawberry scent of her hair. He could feel the warmth of her body so near his, and wished to hell he could run away.

  But running away wasn’t the answer, any more than kissing her senseless and following her into her house. He settled for searching out the right words to let her down easy and give him an opportunity to escape before he did something he might later regret.

  She lifted her hair off her shoulders, exposing the white skin at the nape of her neck. “I’d invite you in, but it’s late, and I have to work tomorrow,” she said, her hand reaching out to him in farewell.

  In that instant he lost all semblance of control and did what he’d wanted to do all evening.

  * * *

  NATE LEANED DOWN and kissed her hard on the mouth, his hand coming around the back of her head and holding her lips against his. His kiss was hot and demanding, sweeping every rational thought from her head. Driven by the pressure of his lips, she wrapped her arms around him, letting her body lean into his, soaking up the warmth. Giving in to her need, she returned his kiss, opening her mouth to his, kissing him, holding him, her hands working over his back, her breathing rapid and erratic.

  All the lonely years, the lack of love and attention, were swept away by an overwhelming need to feel his heat, his body pressed to hers. His hands holding her head in a gentle vice, he continued to kiss her lips, moving inexorably toward her throat.

  She groaned her pleasure, delighted in his touch.

  His body eased away from hers. His hands released her, pulling away as he awkwardly grasped his cane resting against the wrought iron railing. His jaw worked as he stared down into her eyes.

  “We can’t do this. You’re my client. I mean, your son is my client.” His eyes were dark, his breathing harsh, his expression tight. “I have to go.”

  And before she had a chance to speak or to respond in any way, he was gone. The icy pain of abandonment shimmied through her. Her body ached for him while her mind scrambled to understand what had just happened, yet was too numb to make sense of it. She backed into the house, leaning against the door frame for protection from the thoughts flooding her consciousness.

  She had never been kissed that way.

  She’d never kissed anyone that way in her life until now.

  She had never felt this vulnerable in her entire life.

  * * *

  NATE DROVE AS if possessed, vaguely aware that he was speeding, but he didn’t care. He could still taste her lips, feel her arms and smell her hair, those lustrous curls that his fingers had been drawn to like magnets.

  When he’d kissed her that night in her backyard, it had been a trial run. He’d wanted to know how she would respond to him, and he’d felt certain that she wanted more when he left her place. Hell! He’d taken a certain pride in the idea.

  But tonight was a whole different story. He’d wanted her in a way he’d never wanted another woman in his life. He wanted to be around her, to get to know her and what mattered to her. He wanted to make love to her all night, to wake up beside her in the morning and know that she would be there. What the hell had happened to him back there? What had he done?

  She was not his type. She would never be his type. He was attracted to her vulnerability. That had been what first attracted him to Natasha. She’d been a woman who’d sought his support for everything in her life from the time they were teenagers. He’d willingly become part of a couple in which he had to be there for her, every moment. They’d shared everything. He’d wanted to marry Natasha Burnham, and had believed they were meant for each other. After she’d broken their engagement, he’d intentionally dated women he didn’t really feel a connection to. A casual relationship was so much easier, leaving little opportunity for him to develop feelings for the woman.

  Until Gayle.

  And now he’d left himself vulnerable to another woman. And he was damn scared that getting involved with Gayle could lead to another painful end.

  Besides, he was happy just the way he was, wasn’t he? Without thinking he pulled onto the highway leading toward Bangor and drove faster. He was happy, dammit!

  He had every man’s dream life. A good job. Great digs. Great friends. Women who met his needs.

  He had it all.

  So why was he feeling so mixed-up? What was it about Gayle that made him wish...

  He slowed down and pulled over. Resting his arms on the steering wheel, he stared out at the starlit night. He’d always been in control of his life, his career. He prided himself on that, and being a cop was a natural career choice for him. Even when his life had careened out of control that fateful day of the shooting, he’d regained his equilibrium by doing everything he could to get back to his normal self.

  He’d even hidden his feelings of disappointment when he’d learned he would not walk
without a cane ever again. He never let anyone see how much he despised having to use that cane. He’d hidden his anger behind a show of bravado that fooled everyone. He had always been proud of the way he’d handled himself during those months of hospitalization and treatment.

  He was that good at being in control. But having to face rejection from the one woman he believed would accept him no matter what had forced him to abandon control of everything. When Natasha had told him she wanted out of their relationship, he’d felt her pity like a knife blade through his ribs. When she’d returned his engagement ring, he’d been forced to coax her into reconsidering what she was doing. He loved her. He couldn’t imagine living without her.

  The months after, long months spent regaining his identity, finding out who he was and what he wanted out of life, had shown him that loving someone, being vulnerable to their control over his life, was the wrong move for him.

  Back there in the restaurant, he’d wanted to make love to Gayle, and at her door he’d nearly succumbed to his desire. He couldn’t hand control of his life over to another woman. He couldn’t feel the need he’d been feeling, the ache to be with her, and not in a casual way.

  She could hurt him. That was what frightened him most. He would never expose himself to the possibility of being hurt that way again.

  He sat for a while longer, forcing his thoughts away from the evening and how close he’d come to letting Gayle Sawyer get under his skin. He rubbed the back of his neck and drew in a deep, cleansing breath.

  Being around Gayle was a mistake he couldn’t afford to repeat.

  * * *

  THE NEXT WEEK, Gayle was picking up a prescription at the local pharmacy when she spotted Nate in the checkout line two people ahead of her. Keeping her head down to avoid making eye contact, she waited her turn, thankful for the wide shoulders of the man standing directly in front of her.

  She gave a small sigh of relief when she saw Nate going through the sliding doors to the street. There was no way she wanted to see him without some plan, some way to escape. After the way he’d kissed her the other night, she had to keep her distance from him. She wanted what his lips had offered. She found herself needing him, missing him, wanting him—all emotions that didn’t belong in her life. She’d spent a sleepless night after he left, her heart aching for what he offered, her heart breaking for what he’d denied her when he left so abruptly. When dawn had come, and along with it her feeling of losing out on life once more, she’d had to face the truth. Nate had regretted kissing her. He didn’t want any part of what those few moments might have led to.

  She paid the cashier and went out the doors to the parking lot, only to find Nate leaning on the post next to the disabled parking spot, his cane cocked against his leg.

  “I thought that was you in there. Where’s your car?”

  “I didn’t bring it. I needed a walk and decided to leave the car at home.”

  “Want me to walk back with you? I’m picking Adam up in an hour to take him for his first swimming lesson at the YMCA. It’s part of the program for teenagers, and I thought it might be a chance for him to be involved in a sport...after not making the basketball team.”

  “That’s very kind of you,” she said, feeling both grateful and frustrated with him at the same time. How could he kiss her senseless one minute, walk out on her the next and then offer to accompany her home as if nothing happened?

  She tried not to look at his cane or let him see that she was concerned that the walk to her house was too far for him. “Sure, I guess. If you’d like to. But what about your car?”

  “I’ll walk back and pick it up. I could use a little exercise.”

  She hesitated.

  “Look, you let me worry about whether I can make the distance,” he said, his tone hard.

  Obviously Nate was annoyed, but maybe that was best for both of them. He made her jittery and on edge, anxious and excited. He’d turned her world on its side all because of a kiss. She’d lain awake well into the middle of the night, remembering the touch of his lips on hers, the heat of his body. All the agony of that night made one fact undeniable. It was easier to forget his kiss if he behaved like an ogre. She turned toward the street. “Fine. Let’s go.”

  They walked in silence for most of the two blocks to her house. She had to admit that Nate’s injury didn’t seem to slow him down one little bit.

  As they turned the corner onto her street, she noticed a motorbike parked along the curb in front of her house. Suddenly very anxious, she sped up. When she reached the house, she went inside to find two older-looking teenagers in her living room and the music blasting from Adam’s bedroom directly above.

  “Well, what do we have here?” one of the teenagers drawled.

  She felt her head pound in anger, her breath come in short gasps. “Who are you? What are you doing in my house?” she asked, looking from one to the other. “And where is Adam?”

  “I’m right here, Mom. And these are my friends.” Adam came and stood between the two young men.

  “Adam, turn down your music, please.”

  “Mom, stop bossing me around. We’re only here for a few minutes and then I’m going out.”

  “It’s a school night.”

  “So?” Adam said, his tone cocky.

  The door closed quietly behind her. She was aware of Nate standing beside her.

  “Adam, do as your mother asks. Boys, get out of here before I call the police,” Nate said, his tone demonstrating that he would accept nothing less than compliance.

  Adam went up the stairs, his boots slamming into the steps, while the two boys left the house. Gayle clasped her hands together to keep them from shaking. “Thank you. I don’t know if I could have handled this without you.”

  Nate remained at the door, his eyes unreadable. “Yes, you could. Adam is your son, and he has to respect you.”

  She shook her head, swallowed against the lump in her throat and sat down on the sofa. “What am I going to do with Adam? He isn’t paying any attention to what I want. This is the second time he’s had people in my house without my knowledge or permission.” She glanced up at him. “Nate, I’m afraid.”

  “Let me handle this. I’ll take Adam to his lesson and when I bring him back we’ll talk.”

  After Nate and Adam left the house, Gayle tried to eat something, but couldn’t. She settled for a chocolate bar and a long soak in the tub, but nothing seemed to help. She was waiting at the door when they came back, her anxiety constricting her throat. Adam went to his room, mumbling that he had homework to do.

  “Would you like a cup of coffee?” She managed to get those few words past her dry lips.

  “That would be great. Adam’s lesson went well. I think he’ll enjoy them, and at least have a chance to meet other kids outside of school.”

  Nate’s voice was devoid of any emotion. He didn’t look at her when she brought the coffeepot to the table and placed it on a heat-proof coaster. If only there was a quick and easy answer, but by the look on Nate’s face, she knew how futile that hope was. How had things gotten so out of hand?

  “I’m losing him, aren’t I?”

  “Adam is struggling to find his place at the moment. It would be really helpful if he had more family, but since that isn’t possible, more structure, more opportunity to interact with people who care about him, would be very good for him.”

  “I care about him. I love him,” she said, letting her exasperation show.

  “You love him, but you need to set boundaries for him.”

  “I do. No TV until his homework is done. No friends in during the school week. An eleven o’clock curfew on the weekends.”

  “And does he always follow those rules?” His skeptical expression hurt.

  She poured the coffee before she answered, “Not all the time.”
>
  “Adam tells me he doesn’t really believe he has to do anything. He sees your boundaries as flexible. Tell me, does he have any responsibilities around the house?”

  Gayle rubbed her forehead in frustration. “Like what?”

  “Does he clean up after the evening meal? Does he do his own laundry?”

  “He helps sometimes. But lots of times he has lawn mowing to do.”

  “And that’s good, but maybe you should sit down with him and talk about how you live together here. Why don’t the two of you decide what’s fair on both sides? You need to be able to trust Adam whether you’re here or not. Adam needs to feel valued, to find a place where what he feels and what he thinks are important. That’s what these teenagers he’s mixed up with offer him. They offer acceptance, and to gain that acceptance he has to abide by certain rules, not our kind of rules, but rules all the same.”

  “But what if Adam won’t...” She brushed her hair off her face. “Sometimes being a parent sucks.”

  “Sometimes life sucks, but that doesn’t stop us from trying, does it?” He reached across the table and took her hand in his, his touch warm and comforting, and surprising to her. “Gayle, you’re going to get through this, but you have to be open to changing the way you approach your son. Listen to him. Seek his opinions on things. Make it clear that he has responsibilities while he’s living here with you, just as you have responsibilities to him.”

  “I wish this was easier,” she said, hoping he’d talk a little more with her, help her figure out what to do. But the look in his eyes wasn’t encouraging. Sure, Nate was helpful, and his advice was sound, but she needed more than just advice. She needed to feel supported by someone. She needed someone in her life to be there for her, no matter what, someone who would know how to handle Adam’s problems.

  Her need made her feel vulnerable to everything about Nate—his kindness, his caring and his willingness to help. She met his gaze across the table. “I’ll try to do the things you suggest, but I don’t want to lose Adam. He’s all I’ve got.”

  His expression was one of resignation. “I can’t make your decisions for you or for Adam. But I’m around if you need me.”