In My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  I nodded slightly. “I don’t want you to kill him.”

  “That’s not up for negotiation.” His tone was dark and hinted at unspeakable violence. “And I will attend to that later.”

  “Slade, it’s not worth it. I don’t want you to go to jail or get in trouble.”

  “If they never find the body how can I ever go to jail?”

  I knew he was being serious and that scared me more. “Slade, I mean it. Don’t do anything. He’s very powerful.”

  “And you think I’m not?” His eyes were stone black.

  “It’s not worth it. I don’t want to make it worse.”

  “He’s going to pay for what he did, Trinity. I’ll make sure of that.”

  “Slade, just let it go.”

  “I’ll never let it go,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. No one touches my wife and gets away with it.”

  I bowed my head because I knew this argument was pointless.

  Slade turned his face toward mine. “But for right now, it’s just you and me. I’m here for you every step of the way. Let me help you.”

  The only way Slade must have known was from Skye. I asked her not to say anything but Slade must have wore her down. “I think I just need some time…to get over it.”

  “Maybe we should see a counselor,” he whispered. “Someone you can talk to.”

  “Maybe…”

  “I don’t think quitting your job is the solution to this, baby,” he said. “You love working. Don’t let some piece of shit take that away from you. I promise you, he’ll never bother you again.”

  “It’s not just that…” I felt our fingers together. “I don’t want to leave the apartment anymore. I never feel safe. Something always happens…”

  Slade closed his eyes for a moment. “I understand why you would withdraw from the world. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. But you can’t live your life in fear, Trinity.”

  “I hate people,” I whispered. “I just want to be left alone.”

  “I know.” He massaged my knuckles with his thumb. “I get it. But you’re going to overcome this and be happy. We can figure something out to make you feel comfortable. We can even get you a private bodyguard. You can afford it.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t have any motivation. I want to be a full-time mom and stay home. I want to travel with you when you go places. I want a house in the country away from all of this…”

  “But I know you want more than that. I know you love your clothing line.”

  “I do love it,” I said. “I still do designs from home then fax everything in. I still get to do what I love without physically being there.”

  “But that’s still no way to live.”

  “You don’t understand…” I looked away.

  He gripped my hand tighter. “I do understand, Trinity. Believe me, I do. I just don’t want you to live your life in constant fear. No one should have to feel that way.”

  “I know,” I said. “But I can’t force myself to not feel that way. I just can’t.”

  He pulled me closer to him and pressed his lips against my temple. “You’ll feel differently in time.”

  I really didn’t think I would.

  He rested his forehead against my temple. “I love you, Trinity.”

  “I love you too…”

  “We’ll get through this—together. I promise.”

  Now I wish I’d told him sooner. He was so supportive about everything. Instead of pushing me away or blaming me for putting myself in that situation to begin with he held my hand and gave me the love I needed. “I know.”

  ***

  Slade lay beside me in bed but didn’t touch me like he usually would. He didn’t try to make love to me either. His hands were to himself but his eyes were on me. He turned on his side and watched me.

  I met his gaze.

  “Is there something I can do?” he asked.

  I liked it when he held me. Whenever his arms were around me they formed steel bars. No one could get through that. Since I knew affection wouldn’t lead to sex I really wanted it. “Can you hold me?”

  His eyes softened. “Absolutely.” He pulled me hard against his chest and formed a protective barrier around me. Slade usually slept in the nude but now he was fully clothed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He probably didn’t want to make me uncomfortable in any way.

  The second I was cocooned by his embrace I felt relaxed. Since I was safe in his arms I stopped thinking about what happened. I closed my eyes and was taken into a dreamless sleep.

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning the bed was empty. Slade already left for work and I was alone.

  It was difficult to find any reason to get up. There was nothing out there for me. In my house I was safe, but I was also locked in a cage. I could watch life go on through the windows but I couldn’t participate in it.

  Since I hadn’t showered in a few days I managed to get that done. It was nice to wash the oil from my hair and feel clean. After I dried off I walked into the kitchen. Slade was cooking on the stove.

  “Oh.” I flinched at his presence. “I didn’t know you were home.”

  “I took the day off.” He poured an egg white omelet onto a plate then set it on the counter. “Eat some breakfast.”

  It was egg whites with asparagus and tomatoes, one of my favorite things to eat. “Thanks…”

  Slade made scrambled eggs with bacon and chili. Then he took the seat across from me and ate quietly.

  Since Slade went through the trouble of cooking for me, I ate every bite.

  Slade didn’t look at me while he ate. He was quieter than usual, simmering in his own thoughts. “What do you want to do today?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you want to go out to lunch? Go jogging? Sit on the couch and watch a movie?”

  I didn’t want to leave the house. I knew that. “No, I want to stay home.”

  Disappointment was in his eyes but he didn’t voice it. “Okay.”

  “Slade…you really don’t have to stay home with me. I understand you have other things to do.”

  “I want to stay home with you,” he said. “You’re my family. You’re the most important thing in my life.”

  “This is why I didn’t want to tell you…you’re in the middle of making a record.”

  “And it’s a dream come true,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean anything compared to you. I would give up everything in a heartbeat. You know that.”

  “But I don’t want you to.”

  “Well, I do.” He returned his eyes to the plate and kept eating. “So, what movie do you want to watch?”

  “I get to pick?”

  “You always get to pick,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Well, I want to watch The House Bunny.”

  Normally, he would tease me for picking a chick flick. But this time he didn’t. “Okay.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Slade

  I was in mortal agony.

  Every thing hurt. My heart ached, my lungs burned with every breath, and my legs could hardly carry me. I’d been dealt with a trauma I simply couldn’t handle. If something terrible happened to me I would get over it in less than a day. But for something like this to happen to my wife…was unbearable.

  I only showed a fraction of my emotions in her presence. My priority was making her feel loved and comfortable. It wasn’t about me so I couldn’t expect her to comfort me. All I could do was make her feel better.

  I didn’t feel differently toward her in terms of our marriage. It wounded me that someone else had touched her but that didn’t make me want her less. But a piece of my soul died knowing she’d been violated like that.

  It was suffocating.

  I spent the week with Trinity and tried to keep her distracted. The quicker things returned to normal the quicker she would start to relax. I needed her to view the world as a beautiful place, not a disturbed one.

  But I couldn’t
blame her for struggling to believe that.

  I cooked every meal for her and spent time with her in front of the TV. Sometimes I read to her while we lay on the couch together. We even played video games because it was better than leaving the apartment.

  Don Murray wasn’t thrilled about my extended time off.

  “I said you could have three days off, not a week.” Don’s voice came through the phone.

  Trinity was in the shower so I was in the hallway where I couldn’t be overheard. “I’m sorry. I really am. But I have a family emergency right now.”

  “What family emergency?”

  I didn’t want to say. “It’s personal.”

  “And how long is this going to go on?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. But I have to stay here. If you want to drop me from the label that’s fine.” It sucked missing out on the opportunity but Trinity was much more important than that. I could live my life without a record deal, but I couldn’t live without her.

  Don sighed into the phone, telling me he was going to explode. “Slade, if there really is something huge going on in your life I’ll be more understanding, but if it’s not I’m going to be ticked.”

  “It is really huge.”

  “Did someone die?”

  “It’s worth than that…”

  “I’m not following.”

  I didn’t want to tell anyone what happened to Trinity but I had to get Don off my back. “My wife was raped.” Saying the words out loud killed me. It literally split me in two. I hated myself for not protecting her. What kind of husband was I?

  Don was dead silent.

  I didn’t expect him to say anything. What should someone say to that? A simple I’m sorry wouldn’t do the trick. “It’s been really difficult on both of us. I can’t leave her right now. She hasn’t asked me to stay but I know she needs me.”

  “Slade…I don’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I wouldn’t know what to say either.”

  “Take all the time you need.”

  “Thank you.” Telling him the truth was worth it. I hung up then walked back inside. Trinity just walked into the living room, her hair dry but not styled. Normally she looked her best at all times except when she was asleep. But lately she’d been doing the bare minimum. I didn’t mind at all but I knew she wasn’t being herself.

  “What were you doing in the hall?” She didn’t usually ask me questions like that. If I were doing something unusual she would just let it slide.

  I wasn’t a smartass with her, and I probably wouldn’t be for a very long time. “Cayson wanted to play ball but I told him I’m not up for it.”

  “In the hall?”

  “I wasn’t sure if you were napping.” It was difficult being myself around her because I was constantly sensitive to what she’d been through. I couldn’t hold her and touch her like before. I had to wait for her to allow me to get close to her. It was heartbreaking but I understood the necessity. After what she’d been through I didn’t blame her for being afraid. She probably wouldn’t want to make love for a very long time, and when she did it would be a difficult journey.

  Why did I let this happen? This was my fault. I should have kept a better eye on her. I should have stopped it from happening. If I weren’t so busy working I would have picked her up from the office like always.

  I. Hate. Myself.

  She accepted the story. “Okay.”

  If I told her the truth she would tell me to get back to work. There was no way in hell I was leaving her side.

  “Does Cayson know…?” She didn’t look at me as she asked the question.

  I didn’t want to give her the answer but it would come up eventually. “Yeah…but he won’t tell anyone.”

  She nodded then pulled her hair over one shoulder.

  I wanted to change the subject before she dwelled on the past too long. “Want to go bowling?”

  “Bowling?” she asked. “Not really.”

  I was never going to get her out of the house. She was cooped up in here like a rat in a cage. “How about I invite Skye and Cayson over? We can play board games and hang out.”

  “No.” She sat on the couch and pulled a blanket over her thighs.

  “Come on, baby.” I leaned over the back of the couch. “It’ll be fun. You love spending time with them.”

  “I don’t want to see anyone right now…they’ll want to talk about it.”

  “They won’t,” I said. “I promise.”

  She still looked hesitant.

  “Trust me on this, okay?” I stared at the side of her face and waited for a response.

  Finally, she gave in. “Okay.”

  ***

  “How is she?” Skye asked over the phone.

  “Terrible.”

  “Poor thing…”

  “I want you guys to come over for dinner tonight. We’re going to play board games and have a good time.”

  “Are you sure that’s what she needs right now?”

  “She won’t leave the house—at all. I’ve been trying to get her mind off of it but that’s hard to do when she sits around all day.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “There will be no discussion of what happened,” I said. “Not a word whatsoever. Do you understand?”

  “Yes.”

  “The whole purpose of this evening is to make Trinity feel good. I need you guys to help me.”

  “We’ll do anything she needs,” Skye whispered. “How are you?”

  “Me?” I asked incredulously. “I’m irrelevant in this.”

  “Slade,” she pressed.

  I couldn’t answer the question. “Skye, if I start talking I’ll break down and sob. I’m not an emotional man and I’ve cried maybe six times in my life, but this kills me. I’ve never been in such a dark place.”

  Her voice carried her sadness. “Slade…”

  “I hate myself for not being there for her. I feel like a worthless piece of shit.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I’m her husband. Yes, it is my fault.” I couldn’t talk about this anymore otherwise I would collapse. “You guys are coming or what?”

  “Yes, of course we’ll be there.”

  “Alright. See you then.”

  ***

  I set up the board games and ordered the pizza. Trinity still hadn’t gotten ready. Her face was free of make up and she wore her yoga pants around the house along with a razorback top.

  I didn’t say anything about her appearance because it would just lead to awkwardness. “Are you excited?”

  She shrugged.

  “We’ll play Monopoly,” I said. “I know that’s your favorite.”

  Trinity was lifeless.

  I tried to cheer her up. “You’ll probably kick everyone’s ass like always. I’ll have to make sure you don’t get Boardwalk or Park Place.”

  “Yeah…”

  The doorbell rang and our guests had arrived. Trinity didn’t move from the couch like I expected. I answered the door and tried to be as normal as possible despite our tragedy. “Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.”

  Cayson came in with a six-pack. “I’ve got the beer.”

  “I made smores brownies,” Skye said. “I’ll probably eat most of them but…”

  I set everything on the table. “Where’s War Chief?”

  “Staying with Grandma and Grandpa.” Skye eyed the living room and her eyes filled with sadness at the sight of Trinity.

  Cayson had the same reaction.

  I sighed then gave them a look that said, “Stay positive.”

  We moved into the living room and took our seats.

  “Hey, Trinity.” Skye used her usual buoyant attitude. “I love your yoga pants. Are those from Victoria’s Secret?”

  Trinity felt the material with her fingers. “Actually, yeah.”

  “So cute.” Skye kept acting like everything was perfectly fine, and the distraction was working. “I’d wear those
but my butt is too big.” She sighed. “The perks of having a baby…”

  “I’m glad your ass is too big,” Cayson said. “I like it that way.”

  Skye smiled. “Well, I’m glad someone likes it.”

  Cayson leaned toward me. “I like it a lot, actually.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  Skye set the game up. “I get to be the dog.”

  “Damn, that’s what I was going to be.” I totally made that up but creating a fun atmosphere was essential right now. I eyed Trinity and noticed she was a little less miserable.

  “I’ll be the boat,” Cayson said. “I always thought that was cool.”

  Skye set it on Go. “What about you, Slade?”

  “I guess I’ll be the shoe,” I said with a shrug. “I like shoes.”

  “What about you, girl?” Skye asked. “The hat? It’s kind of fashionable…”

  A chuckle escaped from Trinity’s lips. It was light but I still heard it.

  My heart stopped for a full second in joy. It was nice to see her do something besides frown.

  “Yeah, the hat is fine,” Trinity said. “But I would never wear it.”

  “Great.” Skye set her piece on the board.

  I gave Skye a look full of gratitude.

  And she smiled in acknowledgement.

  ***

  Having an activity to do together was helpful. Trinity concentrated on the game and had a good time. Whenever she landed on my properties I didn’t charge her because of a “wifely tax.”

  The game went on for a long time, like it usually did. The food sat at the other end of the table, and I noticed Trinity not only ate one piece of pizza but she had a brownie too.

  I was so glad she was eating.

  Since this was working so well I didn’t want Skye and Cayson to leave. I wanted them to stay there forever. Shit, they could move in if it kept Trinity happy. But at eleven o’ clock they left.

  “You guys can stay,” I said. “We have other games.”

  “No,” Skye said. “We really should get Cedric. My parents will probably go to bed soon.”

  “Then let Cedric stay there,” I argued.

  “No, I want my baby,” Skye said. “But thank you for the lovely evening.” She hugged me then hugged Trinity next.