Everything You Told Me

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘Nothing, as far as I know.’

  I frowned sceptically. ‘Really? He’s not coming to tell me he’s getting married to Kelly?’

  ‘I haven’t spoken to him, love. I’ve no idea.’

  I hesitated. Will would have definitely told my parents if he’d proposed, and Mum would be beside herself if he actually was getting married.

  ‘Oh, well, that’s good,’ I said, feeling suddenly much more cheery. ‘I must have got the wrong end of the stick. Mum, do you mind if I go now? I don’t mean to be rude, but I could really use a moment to myself before Matthew and Caroline get back with the food, or the kids wake up again, or Will arrives. Is that OK?’

  ‘Of course it is,’ she said generously.

  ‘You and Dad are all right, though?’ I said quickly.

  ‘We’re absolutely fine.’

  ‘Good. And this is all going to get better with Theo, isn’t it?’ I added, a little desperately.

  ‘Yes!’ she said. ‘It was exactly like this with Chloe too, don’t you remember?’

  ‘Not really,’ I admitted. ‘I think I must have blocked it out.’

  ‘Well, I can tell you it was. And you will survive. I do hope you have a better night with the little man tonight. Give them both a hug and kiss from me, won’t you? Dad sends his love too.’

  Once she’d gone, I happily remembered my croissant. I got to my feet and headed off to the kitchen. It might have taken me all day to finally find five seconds to eat it, but I’d got there eventually. Thank God.

  I found the empty scrunched-up patisserie bag on the side, next to the hob, among a scatter of flaky pastry crumbs. Matthew hadn’t even bothered to throw the bag in the bin.

  I stared at the debris. Logically, I knew it was hardly crime of the century, but it just about summed my life up. My mood having turned on a sixpence again, I had a sudden overwhelming desire to scream with frustration, at the top of my voice. The walls of the house began to shrink in on me in a rush, and I realized I was actually shaking with supressed rage. Hands fumbling, I undid the back door quickly and escaped out into the side passage and the cold, crisp night.

  ‘Fucking, fucking hell!’ I gasped aloud, as the freezing air hit my skin. I stared up at the twinkling stars miles and miles above me, and just as quickly, my anger began to dissipate, leaving me standing under the enormous night sky, feeling utterly broken, tiny and alone. ‘I can’t do this any more,’ I whispered in disbelief. There was no room for me. I was being swallowed alive by the constant demands of my family. I didn’t want to do this any more! And I hadn’t even got to eat my croissant. I let my head hang, and then from inside the house I heard the determined shout of my baby… I looked up at the sky once more in desperation, then I turned and went back in.

  I came down from Theo’s room to discover Matthew and his mum had come back with the food. Matthew was nowhere to be seen, however, and Caroline had already finished; her empty plate was at her feet on the carpet as I went into the sitting room to find her watching TV. She got up instantly.

  ‘I’ll get yours now, Sally. I’ve been keeping it warm for you.’ She hurried out to the kitchen and came back in with my meal on a tray, accompanied by a glass of water.

  ‘Thank you.’ I curled my legs up under me and took it gratefully.

  ‘You’d be able to do something like that in here,’ she remarked, pointing to Grand Designs. ‘On a smaller scale, of course, or you could have bi-fold doors out onto the garden. That’d be lovely. It’s so exciting to think about everything you can do to this place!’

  I ate peacefully for five minutes before being interrupted by a sudden, loud rumbling on the drive. ‘What on earth is that?’ I said, confused. I set my tray on the floor, jumped up and pulled back the curtain, only to find Matthew helpfully dragging the newly emptied wheelie bin noisily up the drive with him. I opened the window, leant out, and pleaded in a desperate whisper, ‘Matthew! Please stop! I’ve literally just put Theo down!’

  He stared back at me. ‘Well, he’s not going to hear me from upstairs, is he? I’m only putting the bin away, that’s all.’

  ‘Please, please, can you not?’ I begged. ‘I literally can’t bear it if he wakes up again, and it’s so bloody loud!’

  Matthew gritted his teeth. ‘Sure. I’ll just leave it here then, shall I?’ He pointedly set the bin down right in the middle of the drive. ‘I think I’m just going to go out now, if that’s OK?’

  ‘I think that’s probably best, yes,’ I said in relief, and closed the window. Caroline turned the volume up and diplomatically said nothing.

  ‘I know I probably seem obsessed with noise right now,’ I said a moment later, having started to eat again. ‘I’m just…’ I struggled and failed to articulate everything. ‘Things will just be a lot easier when Theo starts sleeping, that’s all.’

  ‘Of course they will. It’s enormously hard, this stage,’ Caroline said generously. ‘So hard, I could only do it once! Matthew was such a nightmare sleeper when he was little. I couldn’t have gone through it again even if I’d had the choice.’ She leant back on the sofa. ‘It was also very different when we were all having babies. I mean, I was only twenty-two when I had Matthew. I hadn’t got an interesting career I had to leave, and my parents were around all the time because they had retired. They looked after Matthew a lot. But your parents work, I still work – to all intents and purposes – although I am winding down this year. The point is, you certainly don’t have the same support that we all enjoyed.’ She sighed. ‘And it must be very hard to have to leave a career midway through. It’s such a great deal to give up. You’ve had to cope with an awful lot of demands on you, Sally, and you’re under such strain in so many different ways right now, never mind the effects of severe sleep deprivation. I think you’re doing amazingly well.’

  At her kind words, my eyes flooded with tears. ‘Thank you. I can’t help but feel I should be coping better than this, though; it’s the second time around, after all.’

  ‘Oh, Sal, don’t cry.’ She went to get up, but Matthew came back in, and I hurriedly wiped my face.

  ‘Everything all right?’ he said, looking between the two of us.

  ‘Absolutely fine,’ Caroline said smoothly. ‘Listen, I think if you don’t mind, I’m going to turn in. Barcelona was a bit full-on, and I wouldn’t say no to catching up on some rest. I’d offer to settle Theo back tonight if he wakes, but you won’t want me to, will you?’ She turned to look at me.

  ‘No,’ I confessed. ‘Thank you for the thought, but I’ll do it.’

  ‘Well, I’ll rest up tonight so I can go on duty tomorrow during the day, then.’

  ‘It won’t be long before I come up myself. Hopefully my brother will be—’

  But before I could finish saying ‘arriving anytime now’, the doorbell rang. Caroline and Matthew exchanged a worried look, which was odd, and Caroline got up instantly.

  ‘I’ll just go and get my phone from the kitchen, then I’ll come back and say goodnight.’

  ‘And I’m going to answer that door, before Will rings again and wakes Theo.’ Matthew hurried out into the hall.

  I heard my little brother say a jolly ‘Hello!’ and then loudly whisper, ‘Shit, sorry!’ presumably in response to Matthew urging him to be quiet.

  I put my plate down and got to my feet in anticipation. Sure enough, Will appeared around the corner, still wearing his overcoat and outdoor shoes, having apparently not been allowed to stop in the hallway.

  I opened my mouth to tell him how nice he looked, but then I realized why my husband and mother-in-law were so ill-at-ease, because from out behind him – tiny and slim as ever – stepped Kelly.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  She regarded me coolly through dark eyes, and removed a stray lock of her long glossy brown hair from her face. No ring, however, I noted with instant relief, as she flashed me one of her wide, impossibly white smiles.

  ‘Hi, Sal.’

  She was the one person I hated cal
ling me that. She somehow made me sound like a yokel farmhand, but I managed not to say anything other than, ‘Hello, Kelly. You look very well.’

  I took in her bare, brown legs beneath the tight, berry-red pencil skirt she’d teamed with nude, four-inch heels. Given she must be aware it was only just April, I suspected her choice was designed to show off what I assumed must be a fake tan, but this time I was wrong.

  She raised an immaculately drawn-on eyebrow and said smoothly, ‘Thanks. I’ve just got back from Tenerife, shooting the campaign for my new swimwear range.’

  ‘How nice.’

  ‘Well, it was work.’ She shrugged. ‘I did some filming for a new six-part series while I was out there too.’

  ‘Great,’ I said, deliberately not asking her anything more about it, as she obviously wanted me to. ‘Come in and sit down – but would you mind removing your shoes first?’

  She scowled slightly, and looked at Will, who was already undoing his.

  ‘It’s just because of the kids,’ I explained. ‘Theo rolls around on this rug, you see, so…’

  ‘OK,’ she said tightly, and putting her bag down, kicked them off, looking considerably less elegant.

  ‘Thanks so much.’ I smiled.

  ‘Would you like me to put the kettle on before I go? Cup of tea, anyone?’ Matthew looked between us warily, and added quickly, ‘No? OK, well, I’m sorry I can’t stop, but I’ll be back later, Sal. And before you ask, it’ll be probably just after eleven.’ He smiled, but I saw Kelly note the edge to his tone, as well as the fact he didn’t kiss me goodbye. ‘Nice to see you, Will, Kelly.’ He gave us all a brief wave as he hurried out, closing the door behind him.

  ‘So how are you, sis?’ Will stepped forward and gave me a hug. ‘You’re looking pretty fabulous yourself.’

  I gave him a grateful smile. It was a kind lie; I looked like a rolled ham. While my maternity trousers might be holding my tummy in, they were also creating several unflattering bulges as the fat tried to escape over the top of the waistband. I shot another incredulous look at Kelly’s outfit, and then her Sophia Loren hair, as I tried to remind myself she was ten years younger than me and didn’t have kids – but even so, what styling secret did celebrities have access to that the rest of us didn’t? I touched my own scraped-back ponytail self-consciously. I hadn’t had it cut or coloured since Theo was born. The only famous person I was channelling was Francis Rossi.

  ‘Right,’ I said, dragging myself back to the room. ‘I’ll make us a drink. What can I get you? Tea? Coffee?’

  ‘Before you do that,’ Will gently put an arm out to stop me, ‘we’ve got a bit of news, actually.’

  ‘Oh right?’ I stopped short, completely caught off guard. ‘What’s that then?’

  My brother let go of me, took a step over to Kelly, cleared his throat nervously, and took her hand in his.

  I froze. Oh no…

  ‘Kelly and I are getting—’

  The door opened behind them and Caroline appeared. ‘Sally, I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but I can’t find my phone charger. I wonder, have you seen it?’ She smiled apologetically. ‘Please do excuse me.’

  ‘Not at all,’ I said, still staring at my brother in dismay. ‘Will, you remember my mother-in-law Caroline. And Caroline, this is Will’s girlfriend, Kelly.’

  Will released Kelly, who turned to face Caroline full-on. I saw a puzzled look fleetingly pass across my mother-in-law’s face as she recognized Kelly after all. Kelly loved this bit… the moment when it dawned on people meeting her that they were in the presence of a FAMOUS PERSON. She was only a soap actress, for God’s sake.

  I watched Caroline hurriedly rearrange her features as she placed her, and she politely extended a hand. ‘Delighted to meet you. I’m Caroline Hilman.’

  I couldn’t see Kelly’s face, but she put out a perfectly manicured hand. ‘Kelly Harrington.’ I waited for her to add something demurely like, ‘Yes, I’m on TV. No, no – please don’t be embarrassed… it happens all the time…’ Blah, blah, blah… But before she could say anything, Caroline began to back away.

  ‘I really am sorry for intruding. Would you excuse me? Very nice to see you again, Will, and to meet you, Kelly. Goodnight all.’ She glanced sympathetically at me as she withdrew, and it dawned on me that she and Matthew already knew about Will and Kelly getting married.

  They all knew, except me.

  Will turned back to me. ‘OK, let’s try that again. Tell you what, let’s also get a little glass of something celebratory!’ He ducked out into the hall and reappeared with a plastic bag, out of which was sticking the neck of a bottle of champagne. He lifted it free and passed it over, with a hopeful ‘please be happy’ look. ‘So, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now – a bit of fun – Kelly and I are getting married!’

  Kelly stared at him.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said quickly, ‘when I say “bit of fun”, I obviously mean we’re completely thrilled.’

  I took the champagne slowly and looked up at my brother. Just for a moment I saw the little boy that I’d tied a lead onto when I’d made him into my dog, aged three and seven. He gazed back at me worriedly, and I realized I was very much being handled with kid gloves. This announcement was being downplayed and broken to me as if they were expecting some catastrophic fallout as a result.

  I turned to Kelly, his future wife: a ruthlessly ambitious, and totally insincere, future wife. She would inevitably meet someone else in her line of work one day, who was more glamorous, richer, or with greater influence than my brother – I heard Caroline’s advice echo in my head.

  ‘Congratulations,’ I said, despite suddenly very much wanting to let the bottle slip from my fingers. Not her. Anyone but her, Will. She doesn’t deserve someone as good and as lovely as you. You’re a very intelligent man, but you’re not diamond-hard like her. She will walk all over you and leave you completely destroyed without so much as a backwards glance.

  A small, satisfied smile played about Kelly’s beautiful mouth. ‘Thank you, Sally.’

  ‘No, really,’ I said, ‘I’m delighted for you both.’ And I offered her my hand.

  Her eyebrows flickered with surprise, but she reached out too. As Will looked on, I flinched slightly as we touched, her long nails briefly resting on the fleshy part of my palm. I suspected she would have liked to dig them right in, but we let each other go, and I turned to Will, who enveloped me in an enormous hug.

  ‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

  ‘Let’s get this open then, shall we?’ I said, trying hard to keep my smile in place. ‘So, when did this happen?’

  ‘Two days ago,’ Will said, now grinning happily. ‘I flew out to surprise Kelly. There was this amazing sunset and—’

  ‘He’d planned it all,’ Kelly interrupted. ‘We had a private table on the roof terrace of this penthouse suite. It was incredible!’

  ‘No ring, though?’

  Will laughed. ‘You’re kidding me. There was no way I was even going to attempt getting that right.’

  ‘We’re going shopping tomorrow,’ said Kelly, smugly.

  I tore the wrapper from the neck of the bottle and untwisted the wire before easing out the cork noiselessly.

  ‘Well done,’ said Will, impressed.

  ‘I’ll just get some glasses.’ I picked up the baby monitor, walked out into the hall, and once I was in the kitchen, quietly opened the cupboard, reached for three flutes – and then closed my eyes briefly.

  He was actually going to do this. She was going to become a permanent fixture.

  Shit.

  ‘Sally?’ I jumped and turned to see Will standing behind me. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Of course! Just getting these.’ I held them aloft.

  ‘I meant OK with what I’ve just told you,’ Will said. ‘I’m very aware that you and Kelly aren’t the best of friends, and I wanted to pick my moment, so we could all really talk about this, if need be.’

  I considered that, and said carefully, ‘Tha
t’s very sweet of you, but it’s not about me and what I think. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.’ I paused and then was unable to prevent myself adding, ‘You are happy, aren’t you? You’re one hundred per cent sure this is what you want? I ask because you’ve only been together eleven months, and I promise you, Will, whatever faults exist in your relationship will go under a magnifying glass a million times over once you have children, and if you’re not strong enough, it won’t survive.’

  Will looked concerned. ‘Are you and Matthew all right?’

  ‘We’re fine,’ I said quickly. ‘It’s just, Kelly is—’

  ‘—right behind you,’ said a voice, and I swung around guiltily. Kelly was holding her shoes in one hand, her bag in the other, and regarding me icily. ‘I just came out to put these by the front door.’ She lifted the bag and shoes up. ‘And to ask if I could use the loo. So what was the end of that sentence? Just out of curiosity. Kelly is…’ She waited.

  ‘I was going to say, “very career-driven”.’ I lied. ‘And I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to just give that up, but equally I know Will wouldn’t want to put any children you have into nursery. Would you, Will?’

  They both looked totally bewildered, as well they might.

  ‘Riiiight,’ Kelly said, and shot a ‘what’s she on about?’ look at Will.

  ‘Well, thanks for that, Sal,’ Will said. ‘It’s certainly the kind of thing we will, if and when we need to, discuss.’

  ‘Great!’ I said. ‘Anyway, let’s go back into the sitting room. Theo will wake up properly if we chat in here. We’re right under him. The loo is just out there, Kelly.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, shooting me another quick glance of disbelief as she tiptoed past.

  Back in the sitting room, Will picked up his now full glass. ‘You’re sure you’re all right?’

  ‘You mean because of what I just said about your kids going into nursery?’ I rubbed my eyes. ‘Yes, it was a bit random. Sorry. I’m shattered, that’s all. I just didn’t phrase it very well.’