Into the Fire

by T A. McKay

  “So are you going to tell me?” I turn my head and look at her. She’s lying on her side, her arm under her pillow looking like she did when she was fifteen. We really have been doing this for almost half our lives.

  “What do you want to know?” I ask, letting her lead the conversation. I know I need to tell her what’s been going on, but I don’t want to just throw it all out there in one go. Our time should be filled with laughter and fun, not with the depressing tale of my life. I should have known though that she would see that something wasn't right, she always does. The look she gives me leaves no doubt that she wants me to spill my guts and tell it all. I roll my eyes at her and she smiles in satisfaction. I hate it when she wins.

  “No one likes a gloater, Madison. Just so you know, it makes you very unlovable.” She snorts rather unattractively next to me and I raise my eyebrows at her.

  “Yeah that doesn't help either.”

  “Once you’ve stopped trying to change the subject, Noah, I will be here ready to listen.” Hey, it was worth a try. I knew it was never going to work with her, but I had to at least give it a shot. I roll to my back and stare at the ceiling. There is no way I will be able to tell her if I have to look at her, see the emotions on her face. I'm pretty sure I'm just being dramatic, I’m tired and feeling the stress of it all.

  “Life has just been...hard recently. It just feels a lot to handle, with work and Judi, and I just feel … I don't know. Tired?” I rub my fingers over my temples trying to ease some of the pressure that’s starting to build in my head. Every time I think about everything I feel my body reacting. I need to try and stay calm. Madison reaches over and takes my hands away from my head, the look on her face is gentle but she looks sad.

  “Noah, tell me what’s happening. I’ve never heard you like this, you sound so down. Is everything okay at work? Are you and Judi okay? Talk to me. I don't normally have to beg.” She sits up next to me, crossing her legs and resting her arms on her knees. There is definitely no way of avoiding this conversation now. I talk as I continue to stare at the ceiling.

  “It’s nothing really, I just think the pressure of everything is finally getting to me. I need to step back and look at my life, realise what’s actually important. All I seem to do now is work. I knew getting into this job it would be hard going but it just seems that working is all I do, there is no time off. That’s leading to having no time with Judi, so I’m constantly worrying about her. But when we are together I feel like we aren’t really together, I feel we’re drifting apart.” I start rubbing my temples again when the pressure feels like it’s going to make my head explode. This is harder to talk about than I thought.

  “I just needed to get away for a bit. De-stress and relax like the doctor told me to.” My hands are ripped away from my head again but this time it isn't as gentle. I open my eyes and I’m met with a pissed off looking Madison. I’m wondering what the hell I did, she told me to tell her.

  “Doctor? What fucking doctor, Noah?”

  Oh right...that! Shit!

  Madison

  My heart has been breaking for Noah since he started speaking. I’ve noticed the last few times he’s called that he hasn't been himself. He tries to tell me that everything is fine but I know it’s not. I thought if I waited long enough he would just tell me but I was wrong, he didn’t. I would have been hurt if I hadn’t been so worried, he has always come to me in the past, but this time he was withdrawing from me. I made the decision this afternoon that we weren't getting out of this bed until I knew what the hell was happening. He’s rubbing his head again, showing stress that I have never seen him suffer from before. His life always looks so perfect from the outside, but I know looks can be deceiving. I can only imagine how hard his job is, but going by the rewards it gives I thought it would be worth it. Noah lives in London, the town house he owns is something I could only own in my dreams. I’ve only been there once since I don't really feel welcome, but I can remember how it was. All clean lines and designer furniture, I could work the rest of my life as a hair stylist and not be able to afford the things he has. Then there is Judi, little Miss Perfect. She seems to be every man’s dream woman, with her tight body and long blonde hair. I would never be able to compete with her beauty, you could put her on a catwalk and she would fit in perfectly. When I compare myself to her I realise how much I’m lacking. She is taller, thinner and with perfect facial features, well let’s just say my squished, freckly little nose doesn’t really compare.

  Then I hear words that cause my breath to catch in my chest. He says them so casually like he’s just making a simple comment on something. I grab his hands forcing them from his head, determined to get his attention.

  “Doctor? What fucking doctor, Noah?” I can feel the fear working through my body as he looks at me with a blank face. There’s been no mention of a doctor, ever. I see colour covering his cheeks as the blank expression morphs into a look of guilt. He better start talking soon or I swear I’m going to beat him until he does.

  “Shit. Ok, I don't want you to worry. Everything is fine now.” I clench my hands on top of my knees, trying with all my might not to lash out at him. He should know if I get a fright or I’m worried I hit out, and he is close to getting that reaction now. Fear is gripping me so tightly, a thousand thoughts running through my head at one time.

  “I advise you talk quickly, very quickly.” It’s my turn to try and rub the pressure from my head. I pinch the top of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut trying to prepare for what he is about to tell me. I feel the bed move and when I open my eyes he is sitting on the bed, mirroring my position.

  “Hey, don't worry. Everything is fine, I promise. You don't get rid of me that easily.” He smiles and I know he is trying to get me to relax but I can't, the thought of something happening to him is making me panic. I look at him with pleading eyes, I need to know what happened but I can't find the words to ask him. I hold his hands in mine and brace myself.

  “It was about a month ago. I’d been working late and was in the office on my own, which isn't unusual. I started to feel off, just not ... right. Then the chest pains started. Shit they hurt, I could barely breathe. Well anyway, I called an ambulance and they came for a possible heart attack.” A heart attack? That’s what I feel like I'm having now. Oh my god. My heart is racing and I can feel sweat running from my hairline down over my back.

  “You had a heart attack? A heart attack, Noah! You’re not even thirty yet!” I can't believe he had a heart attack and no one told me. No wonder he has sounded so off lately. He must have been so scared, why is he still at work? Why is Judi letting him out her sight?

  “I said suspected heart attack! Calm down, Angel. Just breathe.” I realise my breathing is getting faster and I’m feeling light headed, the last time this happened is when I found out that Noah was getting married. I need to calm down, I need to focus. It’s hard to do when all I can think about is losing him. I close my eyes and take deep breaths, listening as Noah continues his story.

  “My heart was fine, but they recommended I see a doctor and I did. He said I had stress induced chest pains and needed to take it easy. And I listened, kinda. I joined the gym again and I try to get home earlier. Then I took a week off and decided to spend it doing what I wanted, which was visiting you crazy people.” I open my eyes and look at him, my breathing finally getting under control. He’s smiling at me like he hasn't nearly killed me with shock. I take a good look at him, noting he does look bigger now, obviously from the gym, but the dark circles around his eyes worry me. He looks tired and stressed, even more than normal. I reach my hand up and rub my fingers over his cheek, needing just to touch him.

  “You promise you’re fine?” He laughs a little at me, leaning slightly into my touch.

  “Yes, I promise. Would I ever lie to you?” I smile at him. He would never lie, he might not tell me everything but he wouldn’t lie once he had told me everything.

  “No you wouldn’t, but god why did it ta
ke you so long to tell me? How is Judi doing with it all?” His face falls a little and he looks down at our joined hands. I can tell he is about to say something I won’t like.

  “Can you imagine having this conversation over the phone?” Ok, so maybe he has a point to make with that. It’s hard enough to hear it when he is sitting here holding my hand, over the phone I probably would have lost it completely.

  “And Judi doesn't know.” His voice has gone low, making me think I just heard him wrong. I'm pretty sure he just said that his fiancé doesn't know that he had a heart attack scare.

  “Sorry, say that again.” He won't meet my eyes, looking around the room at anything that isn't me.

  “I said I didn't tell her.” He finally looks at me, his voice rising a little.

  “What do you mean you didn't tell her? Didn't she notice when you got home late, or that you haven't been yourself lately, because I noticed and I don’t live with you.” I’m getting angry. How could he not tell her, and how on earth had she not noticed? The minute I saw him last night I knew something was wrong. What kind of life does he have in London, doesn't anyone notice him? So many questions run through my head, and I want answers for them all but I'm scared to know. If he doesn’t give me the answers I want, I might not let him go back, since no one seems to be looking after him.

  “My life in London, it’s different than here. It’s fast paced and you never get to slow down. I don't see a lot of Judi, not as much as I should, she has her life and I work all the time. I have so many people counting on me to be the best, I can't let anyone down.” His voice has quietened as he spoke, the last few words were said so quietly I struggled to hear them. I’ve never seen Noah to be so defeated before, I’m scared that his life is slowly killing him. All I can do is be here for him, support him in any decision that he makes and try to take some of the stress away, make him smile. I hold his hands tighter, determined to change the subject, but I need to know one thing first.

  “Noah, I need to ask. Are you happy?” He looks down to where he is playing with my fingers, his big hands warm against mine. His voice is still soft when he answers, the answer bringing tears to my eyes.

  “I honestly don't know, Madison. I can't remember what happy is.”

  Chapter Four

  Noah

  This week has gone by far too fast. It’s time to get in my car and leave, but I haven't seen everyone enough yet. The thought of heading back to London makes my heart race, and not in a good way. I can feel my stress levels start to build and I haven't even got into the car yet. I just know what it will be like when I get there and it has my body reacting in the worst possible way.

  I open the car boot and throw my bag in before slamming it shut. I turn and take in Madison’s sad face. I’ve already said goodbye to everyone else, the only one left is her. She took the morning off work so she could be here to see me off, I wish she hadn't. It’s always so hard to say goodbye, not knowing when I might see her again. She walks over and places her head against my chest, grabbing my shirt in both her hands and I wrap my arms around her shoulders, resting my chin on her.

  “I wish you didn't have to go.” I kiss the top of her head, knowing exactly how she feels. If I had a magic wand I would make so I never had to leave.

  “I know, Angel, but you know I have to. I need to get back to work.” I remember the first time I called her Angel, it was after our first kiss at a party. We were playing spin the bottle and she got paired with me, everything changed the moment our lips touched and we have never been the same since. The name stuck and now I call her it more than I call her Madison. I have to be very careful in front of Judi, after the first time it slipped out I had to buy almost a full shop of flowers to get her to forgive me. I think it annoys Judi as it’s an intimate thing between Madison and me, something that is just ours.

  She looks up at me with sad eyes, the tears building behind them. I kiss her forehead, lingering a little longer than I should.

  “Don't cry, I will be back before you know it. Rocco has his stag night in a few months and you know I wouldn't miss that for anything. I will stay an extra couple of days to make the journey worth it.” A small smile plays on her lips. I love that smile more than I should, more than I can admit to anyone. I want to bend down and kiss that smile until she can't breathe properly.

  “Do you pinkie promise?” I laugh at her, thankful that the tears in her eyes seem to be disappearing.

  “You’re such a dork.” Her laugh vibrates through my chest, making me smile. I will miss this, miss us.

  “Takes one to know one.” I ruffle her hair making her struggle in my arms. I pull her tighter against me, trying to angle myself so she can't feel the fact that my dick is starting to harden. Maybe being away from Judi so long isn't a good thing, I need to get home and work off some of this sexual frustration.

  “I really need to get going, I want to get home before it gets dark.” Her arms squeeze me tighter and I don't want her to let me go, but I know I have to move. If I don't go now there is a chance I won’t leave. I pull back from her, using my thumb to wipe away the tear that is rolling down her cheek.

  “Be safe, Noah. Let me know when you get home, okay? And please take it easy, I refuse to come to your funeral if you kill yourself because you’re working too hard.” I kiss her on the forehead again and climb into my car, closing the door behind me. I start the car and roll down the window. Madison walks over and leans onto the door.

  “I mean it. Stop trying to be everyone’s hero, take time for yourself. I love you and I don't want to lose you.” I wish she meant those words. I love you. I would give everything in my power to have her mean them the way I want.

  “I love you too. I will call when I get home.” She stands back and I reverse the car out of the parking space. The last thing I see as I drive away is her wiping tears from her cheeks. I don't know how many more times I will be able to drive away from her.

  Madison

  I stand in the middle of the car park and watch his car drive away into the distance. The past week has been amazing. Spending time with Noah is always the best, he’s funny and has a crazy sense of adventure. Thankfully this time I managed to keep him from doing something to nearly kill us. I think back to the things that we got up to when we were younger and I'm actually surprised that I’m here to wave goodbye to him. How we didn't get arrested I don't know, especially when we were celebrating him leaving school. He was a few years ahead of me, and when it came time for him to leave for college I wasn't sure how I would survive. We had been dating for about a year, and I wanted to leave school and follow him wherever he went. I would get a job so we can rent an apartment together, be a proper couple. So to make me feel better he booked dinner at my favourite restaurant, little did I know he was planning a little dine and dash fun. Leaving quickly through the main door, my heart trying to beat out of my chest, we ran down the street as fast as we could. Every time I heard a car engine I was convinced that it was the police chasing us, getting ready to arrest us. So this visit, it was nice not to have that fear of jail.

  I turn and make my way back inside my apartment. I need to get ready for work, I dropped hours and rearranged a lot of clients to make time for Noah, so the next week is going to busy. I grab my coat and bag, locking the door behind me and make my way to work. It’s not a long drive to my salon, but parking can be a bitch. If I can’t get parked outside on the street in front of work, then I have to use the car park two streets over. I hate it when I finish work late and have to walk there, the streets are quiet and secluded, making me nervous to go alone. Thankfully today there is a space out front.

  Stepping into the salon I'm greeted with hellos from a few of the clients as I make my way through to the back. I stop for a few minutes with each of them, asking them how their day is going so far. My colleague and friend Natasha is in the staff room already, and I'm greeted with a sad face as she comes over and hugs me. If anyone knows how down I get when Noah leaves its Tash.
She wraps her arms around me and squeezes me gently.

  “Oh Hun, how are you?” I can hear the sympathy in her voice and it causes me to laugh. She’s been through this so many times with me before, but this is not the place to talk about it. I hug her before pulling back.

  “I'm fine, honestly. But I think we might need to discuss it more over a glass of wine tonight?” She gives me a winning smile before she gets a confused look on her face.

  “A glass?” This is typical Tash, she does nothing small. Her motto in life is ‘go big or go home’, and she really does live her life like that. I’m just about to answer her when Lee pops her head around the edge of the door.

  “Madison, that’s your first appointment in. Cate is just washing her hair for you.”

  “Thanks, Lee. I'm just coming, and you,” I turn and point towards Tash, making sure she knows I'm talking to her.

  “I have a bottle of rose wine with our name on it, so don’t make plans for tonight.”

  ****

  I walk in my front door, kicking my shoes off with a sigh of relief. Everyone thinks I'm crazy wearing high heels to work, especially since I'm on my feet all day, but I just can't wear flats. I think it’s because I'm pretty short, if I wear flats I can barely see over my client’s heads to style their hair. People try to convince me otherwise, but I know that having someone who is as tall as a twelve year old doing your hair doesn't instil trust. This also means after a long day at work and on my feet all day, the whole way home I dream of getting my shoes off my feet, letting them rest.

  I really want to go and soak in a bath but I have to get ready for Tash coming over, and by getting ready I mean putting yoga pants and a huge comfortable jersey on. I walk to my room knowing if I sit down I might not get back up and I change my clothes as quickly as possible. I’m wearing a jersey that Noah left in my bedroom this morning. I think he does it on purpose, he knows I love wearing comfortable clothes and I steal his things all the time when he’s here. The added bonus, which I don't think he realises, is that everything smells of him. I bury my nose into the collar and inhale deeply. I know I'm just making it hurt more, I miss him so much already, he’s all I thought about at work today.