Into the Fire

by T A. McKay

  Before I manage to depress myself some more, there is a knock on the door and the bell rings. I smile to myself before making my way to open it. I know it’s Tash, she’s the only person I know that knocks and rings the bell at the same time. She once told me its so no one can claim not to hear her at the door. I think it’s just because she likes to be heard. I open the door and I'm greeted with a bottle of rose wine shoved in my face.

  “I brought another one in case you run out. It seemed like it might be a two bottle minimum night.” Before I can answer she walks past me and towards my kitchen. I close the door and follow behind her.

  “Hi to you too. Most polite people do actually say hello you know.” I’m met with a laugh. She really isn't most people.

  “Get the glasses, woman. I’ll get the spoons and lets talk.” I walk to the cupboard to get glasses for the wine as she grabs spoons for the two tubs of ice cream that she has also brought with her. Mint choc chip and raspberry ripple… the kings of ice cream. This girl knows me so well. She knew what I would need tonight more than I did. Ice cream and wine, the only thing missing is Noah, if he were here it would be a sleepover. I smile as I think about the last one I had with Noah, just a few nights ago. When he was lying in bed next to me I wanted nothing more than to tell him I love him. I’ve been waiting all my life to tell him how I feel, and then he had to go and get engaged. I couldn’t believe it the day he called to tell me, the only thing that got me through it was Tash. This is why she is here tonight, she has seen the effect Noah has on me, especially when he leaves.

  Sitting on the couch, I place both glasses on the table in front of me and pull the bottle from under my arm. Another thing that we have learnt from our nights of ice cream and wine, always get a screw top bottle of wine, it makes for a much easier life if we don't have to fight with a bottle opener. I unscrew the cap and fill up our glasses, passing one to Tash. She is curled up on the other side of the couch and has made herself comfortable under the blanket that she grabbed from the back of the couch. I sit back with my glass and tuck my feet under myself, getting comfortable.

  “So you are gonna make me ask? That’s low, Madison. We should be at the point where you just spill it all, haven't we done this enough?” I smile around the glass I have at my lips, taking a large drink and making her wait a little longer. She sees what I'm doing and I'm rewarded with a gentle kick to my thigh.

  “Fine, you don't need to get violent.” I take another drink and get ready to spill everything to her.

  “It’s the same as always. He was here and I was happier than you can ever imagine … then he left and took my heart with him.” Tash reaches out her hand and rubs it down my arm, giving me the support she always does. I feel tears burn in my eyes and trying to stop them falling I take yet another large mouthful of wine, feeling it burn my throat slightly as I swallow.

  “You need to tell him. I hate watching you go through this every time he leaves, Madison. You had something with him before, remember you’re the one that left him. I can see he still has feelings for you.” I laugh at her as the first tear rolls down my cheek.

  “Yeah, I'm his best friend so he loves me like he does his other friends.” I wipe at my cheeks, trying to get rid of the evidence of my tears, but I know she sees everything. It’s her time to laugh this time, a humourless snort.

  “Oh bless you, my naïve little friend. You think he loves you as a friend? If he looks at his other friends the way he looks at you, then he may have problems from the men.” I give her a confused look. What is she on about? Noah doesn't look at me differently than anyone else. She starts to laugh again and I'm thinking that I should have eaten before I started drinking because I'm really confused right now, or maybe I'm already drunk.

  “Why are you laughing? I don't know what you're on about.” She doesn't stop laughing, making me reach over and hit her on the arm.

  “Tash...why are you laughing?” She manages to calm herself down a bit, allowing the words to get past her laughter.

  “You really don't see it, do you? The guy is crazy about you, all you need to do is get the courage to tell him you feel the same.” My heart flutters with the thought that she might be right. How amazing would that be? That the only thing keeping me and Noah apart is my lack of courage. I would let my thoughts run away with my if she wasn’t missing one major stumbling block in her plan.

  “I think you might be forgetting about the slight flaw in what you’re suggesting. The tall beautiful blonde he’s engaged to. I think she might have a problem with me telling him how I feel.” I finish the wine that’s in my glass and reach forward to grab the bottle from the table. I need to be numb, I need to drink until I can't feel my heart breaking anymore.

  My head is spinning when I finally get to bed. Three bottles of wine and two tubs of ice cream later, Tash felt that I was safe to leave alone, that I wouldn't cry myself to sleep. Getting cuddled under the covers I suddenly realise how alone I feel. Even after only a week of having Noah here I got used to feeling him close, knowing he was in the next room made me feel content ... safe. Now he’s lying in his own bed, holding a woman who will never be good enough for him and I just can't see past my jealousy. I wonder if Tash is right, maybe I just need to tell him how I feel, put all my cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. I would, but I'm scared that when he doesn't feel the same I’ll lose him. I’ve tried to imagine my life without Noah, and it’s not a happy place to be. All my friends thought I was crazy when I started talking to him again in high school after he cheated on me, but they forgot we were friends before we were anything more. I could live without the kisses and touches, but I couldn't live without talking to him. To see him everyday and not be his friend, no, I couldn't do it. So I forgave him for breaking my heart and spent the rest of my life in love with the man I lost.

  I feel tears building in my eyes again and I wipe them away angrily. Why do I keep doing this to myself? He’s with someone else and as much as I hate her, I know he won't leave her. No guy in his right mind would give her up, she’s every guy’s idea of perfection and who am I? A short redhead, with stupid freckles and a big arse. Oh god, I need to go to sleep, I'm starting to sound like I'm in high school again. I chuckle to myself, trying to get a handle on my emotions. It’s just the alcohol messing with my head, by the morning I will be my normal self, or this is what I try to tell myself. I will still miss him but I will be able to cope with it better. If only he hadn't told me how unhappy he was, maybe then I would be more convinced that Judi is the right choice for him.

  I cuddle into my duvet more, determined to go to sleep and forget everything for a few hours. All this thinking doesn't do anyone any good. Before I settle I grab my mobile phone from the unit beside my bed. There is nothing from Noah, he’d text earlier to say he had arrived home but I haven't heard from him since. Maybe it’s a good thing, the less we talk the less it will hurt. The only thing that is wrong with that idea is my heart doesn't like it, my head is in full agreement but nope, my heart thinks it’s stupid. I don't even think about what I'm about to do, if I think my head might win the argument and I need my heart to win this one. I open my text window and send Noah a message.

  “I miss you already. I wish you were here xx”

  I will worry about his reaction in the morning.

  Chapter Five

  Noah

  I’ve been home for hours but I can't seem to settle. I feel like I shouldn't be here, this just isn't where I'm meant to be. This was home and for a long time I loved it but lately I have just felt ... lost.

  Judi went to bed a little while ago, telling me she would wait up for me, but here I am, still sitting in my office with no plans on going to join her. I feel like a complete shit just sitting here but everything just feels wrong.

  Judi was so excited when she got home and saw me. When I arrived home the place was quiet, Judi out with friends. I had hoped she might be there to see me, show that she cares a little, but it really di
dn’t surprise me that she wasn’t. Judi never changes her plans for anyone, she just expects everyone to fit in with her. When she walked in she ran over and gave me a huge hug, which surprised me. She doesn’t normally show so much excitement, making me feel awful for still wanting to be with Madison. I know she went to bed hoping that I would follow her, that we would have sex, but for some reason I just feel like I would be cheating. The thing is, I'm not sure who I think I would be cheating on. On Judi for imagining that she is someone else, or on Madison for being with someone who isn't her.

  I grab the bottle of beer from my desk and take a drink. I told Judi I had some work to catch up on since I had been away all week, but all I’ve done is sit here and drink. I need to get my mind back to where it should be, I need to focus on my job and on Judi, focus on my life here. That’s a great idea, exactly what I need to do. I just need to get my mind to get on board. I need it to stop picturing a certain redhead who makes my dick hard when I think of her. Madison has always had an effect on my body, but for some reason my time with her recently has made it react in a very intense way, more so now than ever before.

  I finish the bottle in my hand and throw it into the bin next to me. I know I need to go to bed, I can't avoid it forever. I stand and make my way round my desk, turning off all the lights as I go. My office is downstairs, away from the bedrooms and I take my time checking all the doors on this level, making sure they are all locked. As I walk up the stairs I look at the photos on the wall. All of them are of me and Judi, showing all our most important times together. As I look at them now I realise that they are all posed, showing the perfect couple in all the right situations, but none of us actually having fun. I might be smiling, but there is no happiness in my face. I look sad even to myself, I wonder if anyone else has noticed it. I stop in front of our engagement photo, it has pride of place in the middle of the wall, bigger than the other pictures. I have seen it a thousand times but I don't think I have ever looked at it. How horrible is that? I don't really care about one of the most important days in my life, the day I’m meant to cherish for the rest of my life.

  Judi looks happy in the picture, smiling the smile that I fell in love with. When she smiles like that she looks younger, more beautiful than most women. The only problem is she doesn't smile like that very often, what most people get is the calculating Judi. The one that is always out for what she can get from people, always using people for her own needs. I never realised she was like this when I met her, she was like the perfect woman back then. She seemed kind, attentive and out to help others. Slowly over the past few years she has shown her true colours, ever since I took the job her father offered me I have seen a different Judi. This one makes me dress a certain way, telling me that now I have an important job I need to look the part, that I'm better than other people. The only problem is I'm not better, I have never thought I’m above anyone else. Hell, my brother owns a garage and to be honest, I’m more comfortable there than I am in any boardroom. I used to love my job, I love working with numbers, but lately it all seems to be about how much money I can make, no matter if I’m destroying someone else to get it. The long hours and the constant pressure of trying to secure the deal is getting to me. I just want to be ... shit I don't know. All I know is this life isn't working for me anymore.

  I start walking again and make my way to the bedroom. I quietly push open the door, slipping in through the gap. I look over to the bed and see that Judi is sleeping. Thank god. I wouldn't know what to say to her if she’d been awake, I have hardly said a dozen words to her since I arrived back. She asked if I had enjoyed myself and after telling her that I had she lost interest, her phone proving to be more interesting than me. I move into the bathroom, closing the door quietly before turning on the light. I look at myself in the mirror above the sink, noticing how tired I look. It’s like this place just drains all the life out of me, even for the few hours I’ve been back I can feel it. I take a deep breath and removing all my clothes except my boxers on before leaving the bathroom and getting into bed next to Judi. As I'm settling down to go to sleep, I hear my mobile vibrate. I grab it and look at the screen, seeing that it’s a message from Madison. I smile, it’s the first genuine smile I have managed since I drove away from her this morning. I open the message reading her words and feel my heart stutter.

  “I miss you already. I wish you were here x”

  I look over to the other side of the bed where Judi is sleeping. I can't do this anymore. I need to leave this life before it kills me. I just need to figure out how to do it.

  I'm sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen when I hear Judi walking in, her heels clicking on the marble floor tiles. I take another drink of coffee as I wait for her to say something.

  “You never came to bed last night.” A simple statement but I can hear the venom in her words. She isn't happy with me, but I really couldn't care less.

  “I was busy. You know, I have an important job.” I'm being a dick, I know it but I just can't stop. Maybe if I act like this she won't hurt as much when I leave.

  “Yeah, I'm sure that’s what it was.” I look at her over the top of my coffee mug, not wanting to know where she’s going with this.

  “So, which hotel did you end up staying at?” She has a smug look on her face, and I realise that she knows I didn't stay at a hotel. I don't know how, but she knows. I may as well be truthful with her, it will just end up being a bigger argument if I lie. At least Madison isn't here to hear the venom that is about to come out of her mouth.

  “I didn't stay at a hotel. Madison offered me her spare room so I stayed there, you know I don’t like hotels.” I see her eyes darken in anger but the smile stays firmly in place. She turns and pours herself a cup of coffee.

  “Did you fuck her?” What? I try to get my head around what she just asked, but she turns and looks at me expectantly, waiting on my answer.

  “Are we back to this, Judi? Why can't you believe that there is nothing between me and Madison except friendship? Hear me again ... there is nothing between us!” Having to say the words out loud make my heart ache, which adds to the anger I'm feeling. Saying the words makes it hit home that there will never be anything between us, and it isn’t through my own choice. It has taken me a long time to admit it to myself, but I can now. I love Madison. I don't know if any woman will ever compare to her, I might end up spending the rest of my life alone, watching her fall in love and start a family. That thought has bile rising in my throat and I take a drink of coffee trying to calm myself down. She isn't with anyone, not yet.

  “I don't believe you, Noah. There is something between you two, she has some sort of hold over you. You didn't call me all week, could you go a week without speaking to her?” She makes it sound like I hadn't tried to call, I had. Okay, it might have only been a few times, but I didn't see her blowing up my phone. I stand and move towards her, placing my empty cup in the sink beside her.

  “I tried to call you. You didn't answer, so I stopped trying. Lets not start this shit again, please?” She stands up straight and looks me straight in the eye.

  “I honestly don't know who you would choose, Noah, if I asked you to choose between me and Madison.” I know the answer. There has never been a question about it. I would never pick anyone over Madison, and I'm pretty sure Judi knows this. I lean into her, getting my lips close to her ear.

  “If you don't want to find out, I suggest you don't go down this road. You might not like the answer.” With that I walk out of the kitchen and grab my wallet and keys. It’s my first day back at work so I better not be late.

  I pull into the driveway and turn off the car’s engine. Today was brutal. It’s normally bad in the office, but with being away for a week I had a lot to catch up on. Apparently no one thought it would be helpful to do some of the everyday jobs that I do, leaving them all to pile up for my return. Add that to all my own personal contracts and I wasn’t able to stop all day. I look at the clock on the dashboard and see th
at it’s after midnight. Fuck, I'm back one day and I'm already working more than I should. My doctor told me to slow down and I'm sure he didn't mean just for the week. I lean my head back against the headrest and close my eyes. My mind drifts back to the night I thought I was going to die.

  I had been at work since dawn and hadn’t noticed when midnight came and went. I had missed lunch, so I ordered take out for dinner. I managed to eat some of it before I was distracted by the numbers I had been working on. They were projected onto the custom made white wall I had built into my office. I do all my best thinking while I'm pacing, so this way I can pace as much as I want while still being about to see and work on what I need. The office felt really hot, hotter than it normally was and I was sweating. I loosened my tie and opened the top few buttons on my shirt, but the hot feeling wouldn't leave. I placed my hands on my desk and tried to take a really deep breath. I just couldn't catch my breath, it was like I was trying to breathe through water. That’s when the pain started. It came on so suddenly, it was a pain like I had never felt before. A burning through my chest and left arm. I grabbed my chest while crying out, the pressure in my chest almost more than I could handle. I sat on the chair behind my desk, my breathing becoming fast and laboured. I was so fucking scared, I'm not even thirty and the thought of dying had never entered my mind. I knew I hadn't been looking after myself but I didn't think it was that bad. I undid more buttons on my shirt and removed my tie completely. I don't know if I thought that it would help but I was doing anything that might help me to breathe properly again. The tightness was getting worse and breathing was becoming more difficult. I managed to grab the phone from the desk and called 999. The woman on the other end of the line kept trying to calm me down, to stop me panicking more, but I couldn't stop. The pain made me want to cry. She kept me talking and before I knew it the paramedics were there in my office. I was hooked up to machines and had an oxygen mask put over my face. Having them there, knowing that there were people that could help me, calmed me down and made it easier to breathe.