Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Asahina-san was forcefully dragged over by Haruhi during the founding of the brigade, as Haruhi explained, “We needed a mascot.” Then under Haruhi’s demands, she was forced to put on a maid costume and has since become the SOS Brigade’s official maid. Every day after school, she would transform into the perfect maid. This is not because of any loose screws in her brain, but more because she was so honest and so sincere that I could almost cry.

  Asahina-san has dressed as a bunny girl, a nurse and all other sorts of costumes for the SOS Brigade. Yet I felt the maid costume suited her best. To put it simply, it’s because this costume has no hidden meaning or innuendo, which was why I hoped she would go on like that. Maybe I should emphasize something: Haruhi’s actions rarely have any meaning to them.

  Yet her actions often become the trigger for something else, and have put us into a lot of trouble, so I actually felt it would be better for her actions to be truly meaningless.

  The often eccentric Haruhi has very rarely done anything correctly, or I should say she’s only ever done one correct thing, and that is in picking Asahina-san’s maid costume. Since it suited her too well, it’s enough to make people dizzy. It is only for this alone that I give credit to Haruhi’s eccentric behavior. I don’t know where she bought it or how much she paid, but Haruhi does have some taste when it comes to elegant costumes. Though I believe Asahina-san would look great in anything she wears, just like a professional model. And my favorite costume of them all is the maid costume. There must be some meaning with this costume, for it was always able to satiate my visual senses.

  “I’ll go brew some tea.”

  Asahina-san said with her soft, adorable voice. She placed the broomstick into the cleaning cabinet and scurried over towards the kitchen cupboard, taking out everyone’s cups.

  My abdomen suddenly suffered an intense pain, and when I came to my senses, I realized Haruhi had jabbed her elbow into me.

  “Your eyes have squinted as thin as a line now.”

  Maybe I was too moved by Asahina-san’s cute movements, so naturally I squinted my eyes leaving only a narrow gap. I believe everyone would have the same reaction after seeing the adorably elegant and shy Asahina-san.

  Haruhi walked towards the desk with a black triangular spike that read “Commander,” and took out an armband that also read “Commander” from the drawer and put it on. She then kicked the steel chair out from the desk and sat on it, overlooking the club room.

  Sitting by the corner of a table reading a thick book was another member of the brigade.

  “……”

  Sitting there fully concentrated on reading her book is none other than Nagato Yuki, the first year Literature Club student, who to Haruhi would be like “a bonus gift that comes along with occupying the Literature Club room.”

  Her existence is as subtle as nitrogen in the atmosphere, yet of all the first years in the brigade she is the most extraordinary. Her extraordinariness far exceeds that of Haruhi. I know absolutely nothing about Haruhi, yet while I do know something about Nagato, this only makes me even more confused about her. If what Nagato said was correct, then this silent short-haired little schoolgirl lacking of expression, emotion, and empathy is not a human but a living humanoid interface created by aliens to interact with humans. It still sounds very absurd. But since she herself has said so, I do not want to question any further since it does sound real. Of course, Haruhi doesn’t know about this; Haruhi still treats her as “quite a weird bookworm.”

  Though objectively speaking, “quite” is an understatement.

  “Where’s Koizumi-kun?”

  Haruhi glared at Asahina-san with her sharp glare. Asahina-san shuddered for a moment, then said, “Eh…h…he’s not here yet, he’s quite late today……”

  Asahina-san carefully brought out the tea leaves from the tin and placed them in the little teapot. I casually looked at the hanging rack by the corner of the club room. All sorts of costumes hung on top of it, like a theatre resting room. From the left hung a nurse costume, a bunny girl costume, a summer maid costume, a yukata, a white blouse, a leopard skin costume, a woolen frog puppet costume, and all other sorts of unidentifiable costumes.

  For the past six months these costumes have all graced the warm skin of Asahina-san. Let me explain further, there is absolutely no reason for Asahina-san to wear these costumes, apart from satisfying Haruhi’s own ego. Maybe she suffered some sort of trauma in the past? Like not getting the dress-up doll she wanted when she was young, so now she sees Asahina-san as a large doll to play around with. Thanks to this, Asahina-san’s emotional scars have increased as the days go by, while my visual senses get stimulated as a result, creating a sense of happiness for me. Sigh. Overall, I don’t think a lot of people have benefited from this, so I’d best not say anything about it.

  “Mikuru-chan, tea!”

  “Ah…yes! Right away!”

  Asahina-san hurriedly poured the green tea into the cup that had been marked “Haruhi” with a felt-tip pen, and carried it over on a tray.

  Haruhi received the teacup and blew the steam off and took a sip. She then spoke like a flower arrangement master berating her disciple for not being diligent enough, “Mikuru-chan, I remember telling you before. Have you forgotten?”

  “Huh?” Asahina-san grabbed the tray with trepidation. “W…what is it?” She tilted her head like a Java Sparrow reminiscing over the taste of the seeds it ate the day before.

  Haruhi placed her cup on the table.

  Haruhi: “When carrying tea over, you need to accidentally trip the tea cup over once every three times! You don’t look like a clumsy maid at all!”

  “When carrying tea over, you need to accidentally trip the tea cup over once every three times! You don’t look like a clumsy maid at all!”

  “Ah, erm……s…sorry.”

  Asahina-san shrugged her small shoulders. This is the first time I heard of such a rule; does this girl really believe that maids are supposed to be clumsy?

  “You’ve got a chance now. Mikuru-chan, go use Kyon as practice. When carrying the tea over, make sure you spill the tea over his head.”

  “Huh?”

  Asahina-san said then looked at me. I would really like to drill a hole in Haruhi’s head and replace the contents within. Sadly, I would find nothing inside and can only sigh.

  “Asahina-san, only someone with a damaged brain could think of something like what Haruhi just said.” So keep up the good work! I had wanted to add that, but decided not to in the end.

  Haruhi heard and rolled her eyes.

  “That idiot over there, I’m not joking! I’m always serious.” Then that’s even more problematic; you probably need a CT scan. Besides, I wonder if getting mad at you for calling me an idiot means I lack a sense of humor? “Forget it, allow me to demonstrate. Then you follow what I do, Mikuru-chan.” Haruhi leaped off the steel chair and swiped the tray from the stuttering Asahina-san. She then lifted the teapot and began to pour tea into the cup with my name written on it.

  As I watched this scene unfold with stunned silence, Haruhi roughly placed the cup on the tray, splashing the tea all over, then stared at where I was sitting and nodded to signal she was about to come over. I promptly picked up the teacup.

  “Hey! Don’t get in the way!”

  What do you mean don’t get in the way? The only people who would gladly sit there and wait for someone to pour hot tea over their heads are either being too nice or are trying to con the insurance company.

  And so I stood and drank the green tea Haruhi brewed for me and thought to myself: why is it that even though they brewed with the same tea leaves, Asahina-san’s tea tasted so much different from Haruhi’s? The answer was obvious even without thinking. The difference between them was a flavouring called “love.” If Asahina-san was a white rose blooming in the wild, then Haruhi would be a special breed of rose that doesn’t even blossom and is full of thorns; it probably doesn’t even have seeds.

  Haruhi l
ooked at me with admonishment as I drank my tea.

  “Hmph.”

  She flicked her hair heavily and returned to her seat. The look on her face was as though she had just swallowed some bitter herbal medicine.

  Asahina-san gave a sigh of relief and went back to her usual serving mode, pouring tea into Nagato’s cup and placing it in front of the reading girl.

  Nagato didn’t move, keeping her head transfixed on the hardcover book. You should try and express some sort of gratitude! If it were Taniguchi, he’d probably want to wait three days before drinking Asahina-san’s tea.

  “……”

  Nagato flicked the pages without lifting her head. As she’s usually like that, Asahina-san didn’t really mind and went to prepare her own cup.

  At this moment, the fifth member arrived, though no one would really mind if he hadn’t come.

  “Sorry, I was delayed, since our class meeting was longer than expected.” Revealing his charmingly harmless smile and standing by the door is Koizumi Itsuki, Haruhi’s mysterious transfer student. His handsome face, which I wouldn’t introduce my girlfriend to if I had one, was carrying a smile as usual.

  “Looks like I’m the last to arrive. If the meeting’s delayed because of me, then I sincerely apologize. Maybe it would be better if we grab a bite first?”

  Meeting? What meeting? I never knew of any meeting.

  “I’d really have forgotten about it if you didn’t mention it.” Looking down the table, Haruhi said to me, “I told everyone else about it during lunch break already. I thought I could tell you any time anyway.” You had the time to go to other classrooms, yet you never bothered to tell me, who happened to sit right in front of you in the same classroom? “Does it really matter? It’s the same anyway. The issue is not when you get the message, but what we’re doing now.” That’s her way of putting things around. No matter what Haruhi says, I’d never feel any better. This is now common knowledge.

  “What’s more important, we need to discuss what we need to be doing soon!” Please! Distinguish your present and future tenses! You don’t even specify who you are referring to.

  “All of us of course! Since this is an SOS Brigade activity.” What activity?

  “Didn’t I just say it? When else can we hold an activity besides during the school festival?” Then it’s not a brigade activity, but a school activity. If you really want to make the school festival more lively, then you ought to apply to join the festival executive committee. Then you’ll have plenty of menial tasks to take care of.

  “That won’t be meaningful at all. What we need is an SOS Brigade-styled activity! It took us a lot of work to develop the brigade to its present state! There’s no one in this school that doesn’t know who we are! Don’t you understand?”

  What on earth is an SOS Brigade-styled activity? Thinking back on the activities that the SOS Brigade has held for the past six months, I suddenly felt melancholic.

  You are only saying whatever pops into your mind, that’s easy for you, but do you know how much Asahina-san and I had to suffer these past six months? All Koizumi can do is smile like an idiot, while Nagato couldn’t provide much help, you should be more considerate at people like me, who are by your side all the time. Oh, and Asahina-san’s probably not normal as well, but since she’s so cute, that’s fine with me. Because all she needs to do is just stand there and let my eyes savour the scenery and caress the barren field in my heart.

  “We need to do something that suits everyone’s expectations,” Haruhi mumbled, looking unhappy. Speaking of which, just who would expect anything from the SOS Brigade? Now that’s something worthy for a questionnaire! The SOS Brigade has not even grown, the number of members has still remained the same, let alone being promoted into an Association. So it’s best to maintain the status quo, but sooner or later, the Haruhi Express is going to derail someday. There’re only five passengers on this train, at least find a replacement for me. Or perhaps just give me an hourly salary, even 100 yen would do.

  Haruhi spent thirty seconds finishing her cup of tea, then asked Asahina-san for a second cup.

  “What about you Mikuru-chan? Do you have any plans?” “Umm……You mean our class……We’re planning on selling noodles and tea……” “Mikuru-chan is probably a waitress, right?”

  Asahina-san widened her eyes.

  “How did you know? I had wanted to do the cooking, but everyone else wanted me to……” Haruhi’s eyes now looked intrigued, the sort of cunning eyes that are up to no good. Her eyes drifted towards the hanging rack, making it obvious she’s thinking she hasn’t had Asahina-san dressed as a waitress yet.

  Haruhi’s expression was now full of thought.

  “What about Koizumi-kun’s class?”

  Koizumi lifted his eyebrow.

  “We’ve decided to stage a play, but opinions in the class were split. Some wanted an original script, while others wanted a classic play. The school festival’s coming up but we’re still debating intensely about it. It’s going to be some time before things can be decided.”

  Ah, a lively class sure is so much better, though it can be troublesome.

  “Hmm.”

  Haruhi’s eyes now moved towards the remaining unspoken member.

  “What about Yuki?”

  The alien who loved reading now lifted her head like a badger sensing the rain.

  “Divinations.”

  She replied without any emotion as usual.

  “Divinations?”

  I now cut in and asked.

  “Yes.”

  Nagato, whose face doesn’t even look like it’s breathing, nodded her head.

  “You’re in charge of divinations?”

  “Yes.”

  I can imagine Nagato in a black pointed cap, wearing a black cape and carrying a crystal ball, but then I see a scene where she tells a couple, “You two will break up in fifty-eight days three hours and five minutes.”

  Couldn’t you come up with a better lie? Whether Nagato can predict the future is another mystery I can never know.

  Asahina’s class is opening a stall, Koizumi’s staging a play, while Nagato’s class is doing divinations? Why do other classes activities sound so much more interesting than our dull questionnaire activity? Oh yeah, what do you think? Why don’t we combine all of the above and have a staged divination tea party play?

  “Enough with the idiotic talk, the meeting starts now.”

  My previous opinion was kicked off cruelly by Haruhi, who walked towards the white board. She pulled the conductor staff until it became as long as a radio antenna and whipped it on the white board.

  There’s nothing written on it, what do you want me to look at? “There’ll be something written in a while. Mikuru-chan, you’re in charge of the records. Carefully write down everything I say.” When did Asahina-san become the record keeper? I’m afraid no one knows, since Haruhi has just decided that a moment ago.

  Asahina-san, tea girl and record keeper, picked up a felt-tip pen and sat by the board, looking up at Haruhi’s face.

  Haruhi said in an excited tone, “The SOS Brigade is going to make a movie!”

  I really don’t understand how Haruhi’s brain works. It doesn’t really matter, since she’s always like that. But then this won’t be a meeting, but rather an opportunity for her to showcase her personal ideas.

  “Hasn’t it always been that way?” Koizumi said softly to me, carrying a smile so dashing one has an urge to go draw it. Koizumi elegantly opened his mouth, “Suzumiya-san probably knew what she wanted to do since the beginning, so I don’t think there’s much to discuss. Did you tell her something you’re not supposed to?”

  I don’t remember telling her anything about movies today. Maybe she saw a terrible C-movie last night and found it too boring and now she’s looking for a way to vent her frustration?

  Yet Haruhi was convinced her speech has moved the entire audience and looked very excited. “I bet you all have questions right now?”


  I only have questions about how your brain works.

  “When a TV series ends, they usually end with the main character dying, but wouldn’t that be too unnatural? Why would he die right at the end? It doesn’t make any sense, so I hate stories where someone dies at the end. I’d never make movies like that!”

  Are we talking about movies or TV series?

  “Didn’t I just say we’re making a movie? Even the ears of the haniwa figures are larger than yours. Go and memorize every single word of what I just said.”

  I’d rather memorize all the station names of the nearby railway than memorize your crap rhetoric.

  Asahina-san, who doesn’t look like she’s actually from the Calligraphy Club, elegantly wrote the words “Movie Release” on the board, Haruhi nodded her head in satisfaction.

  “That’s about it, you understand now?”

  Haruhi talked like a weather forecaster cheerfully predicting that the monsoon rain would be over soon.

  “What about it?”

  I asked, which was natural of course. I only understood “Movie Release”. Where does she intend to find a movie studio to endorse her movie? Could she have found a studio already?

  Yet Haruhi’s dark pupils glittered as she smiled brightly, “Kyon, has your intelligence deteriorated? Of course we are going to make the movie. The movie is going to be shown in the school festival, with the caption ‘SOS Brigade Presents’ at the beginning.” “When did we become the Movie Study Group?”

  “What are you rambling about? This will always be the SOS Brigade! I don’t remember any Movie Study Group around here.”

  Haruhi callously said something which would probably piss the Movie Study Group if they heard about it.

  “This has been decided long ago! There will be no retrial! Further appeals will be rejected!” Since the leader of the SOS Brigade jury says so, I don’t suppose it can be overturned? Just who on earth shoved Haruhi to the SOS Brigade commander throne? No, wait a minute, come to think of it, it was she who claimed the throne for herself. No matter what world you’re in, it’s always the loud and pretentious people that have ever inflating egos. Thanks to this, people like me and Asahina-san, who tend to follow the flow, will always feel confused. This is the conflict of this cold and cruel reality; it is also the truth.