Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  As my mind delved into the philosophical question of what counts as an ideal society……

  “So that’s how it is.” Koizumi said, as though he understood everything. He shared his smile equally between me and Haruhi and said, “I understand now.”

  Hey, Koizumi, don’t just gracefully accept the bomb that Haruhi just dropped! Don’t you have your own opinions on this?

  Koizumi flicked his parting lightly with his finger, “From what I see, we’re making a self-made movie to attract visitors to come watch it. Is that right?”

  “Exactly!”

  Haruhi whipped her “antenna” on the board.

  Asahina-san shuddered, yet she still took the courage and said, “But……why decide to make a movie?” “Last night, I found I couldn’t sleep.” Haruhi brought the antenna before her eyes and swung it like a windscreen wiper. “So I turned on the TV and ended up watching a weird movie. I wasn’t interested at first, but as I had nothing else to do, I decided to give it a look.” Just as I thought.

  “That was a really boring movie, so boring I had an urge to make an international prank call to the director’s house; that’s why I came up with this idea.”

  The tip of the conductor staff pointed towards Asahina’s tiny face.

  “If that kind of movie can exist, then I can definitely make a better one!” Haruhi puffed her chest confidently and said, “That’s why I want to give it a try, do you have anything to say about that?”

  Asahina-san shook her head vigorously as if in fear. Even if she did have an opinion, Asahina-san probably wouldn’t say anything, while Koizumi is a nodding yes-man, and Nagato never talks anyway, so the only one doing the talking would always be me.

  “You seem determined to be a movie director or producer, that’s fine with us, it’s your choice and you can pursue that dream as you desire. That means we can now go ahead and pursue our own dreams as well.”

  “I don’t get what you mean.”

  Haruhi had her lips stuck out like a duck. I patiently explained my detailed analysis to her.

  “You say you want to make a movie, yet we never said anything about it. What if we don’t like this suggestion? A movie can’t be made with just a director alone.”

  “Relax, I’ve come up with a script already.”

  “No, that’s not what I meant……”

  “There’s nothing to worry about. You just do what I tell you to, so don’t worry.” I’m very worried.

  “Let me do the planning, I’ll take care of everything.”

  I’m even more worried now.

  “Man, you sure are annoying! I’m gonna go ahead with what I said I’m gonna do. The aim is to get first place in the school festival activities poll! Who knows, those ignorant idiots at the Student Council may finally recognize the SOS Brigade as an official club……No! I’ll make them recognize us. To achieve this goal, we must bring public opinion to our side first!”

  Public opinion and exit polls aren’t necessarily in direct proportion with each other, you know.

  I tried resisting.

  “What about the production costs?”

  “If you’re talking about a budget, we have one.”

  Where? I don’t believe the Student Council will grant a budget to this underground organization that openly conducts its activities.

  “Isn’t the Literature Club granted a budget as well?”

  “That’s the Literature Club’s budget! You can’t use that!” “But Yuki said it was OK.”

  Oh boy. I looked at Nagato’s face, while Nagato lifted her head in slow motion to look at me, then without saying anything, slowly went back to reading her book.

  Won’t there be people that want to join the Literature Club? I didn’t intend to ask this question, since it’s possible that Nagato deliberately arranged for the Literature Club to be on the brink of being canceled. She seems to already know what Haruhi is up to; it’ll be a pity if someone else wants to join the Literature Club now. How I wish someone would reclaim the Literature Club from the clutches of Haruhi.

  Haruhi didn’t notice what I was thinking, waving her antenna in excitement, “Is everyone clear now? Treat this activity as more important than the one at your classes! If anyone has any dissenting opinions, they can tell me after the school festival, OK? The director’s orders are absolute!”

  Haruhi declared passionately, like a grizzly bear in a zoo holding on to an ice cube during the hot summer. The surroundings no longer concern her.

  First she’s a brigade commander, now she wants to be a director? What career does she intend to be in? ……And don’t tell me you want to be a God.

  “That’s it for today! Since I need to think of how to choose the cast and crew and find sponsors. There’s a lot of stuff involved in making a movie.”

  I’m not really sure what making a movie involves, but what on earth is she up to? Sponsors? Slam!

  A loud noise echoed across the room. I turned and found Nagato closing her book. That sound has now become the unofficial signal for the SOS Brigade to end its business for the day.

  “We’ll discuss the details tomorrow!”

  After leaving this sentence, Haruhi fled the room like a cat hearing a can of cat food being opened. I don’t think there are any details left to explain.

  “But isn’t that fine?”

  The only person who would say that is definitely Koizumi.

  “As long as it’s not hunting for aliens for a circus freak show, or shooting down a UFO and displaying its contents, then I’m relieved.”

  Where have I heard this before?

  The smiling esper covered his mouth and laughed.

  “Besides, I’m quite interested in what movie Suzumiya-san is making, I feel I can imagine more or less what’s on her mind.”

  Koizumi glanced towards Asahina-san, who was cleaning the teacups.

  “This could be an interesting school festival, it’ll be fun.” Influenced by him, my eyes also turned towards Asahina-san. Just as we were staring at the headpiece bouncing with her hair……

  “Ah! W…what are you looking at?”

  Noticing two horny guys staring at her, Asahina-san stopped what she was doing and blushed furiously.

  I answered inside my heart.

  Oh no, it’s nothing. I was just thinking, what costume would Haruhi be bringing this time? Preparing to go home……or rather, simply placing the book into her bag, Nagato stood up silently and headed towards the door. Could Nagato be reading a book about divinations? Because it’s written in a foreign language that I couldn’t understand.

  “But……” I mumbled.

  A movie……huh?

  To be honest, I’m a bit interested as well, of course my interest is not as deep as Koizumi’s, probably just as deep as those marine plankton living off the continental shelf.

  Perhaps I should look forward to it?

  Since no one else is expecting anything from it.

  I take back everything I just said, I don’t look forward to anything.

  Because after school the next day, I was already suffering.

  • Presented by: The SOS Brigade

  • Executive Producer / Director / Screenwriter: Suzumiya Haruhi

  • Female Lead: Asahina Mikuru

  • Male Lead: Koizumi Itsuki

  • Supporting Character: Nagato Yuki

  • Assistant Director / Cinematography / Editing / Equipment / Information Gathering / Other Menial Tasks: Kyon

  When I saw what was written in the notebook, I only thought of one thing, “So what is it exactly that I’m doing?”

  “What was written on it, of course.”

  Like an orchestra conductor, Haruhi waved her conductor staff.

  “You’re the backstage staff, just as the cast and crew allocation has described. We’ve got a formidable cast, right?”

  “A…am I the lead?”

  Asahina-san asked in a soft voice. Today she wore her usual school uniform instead of her maid
costume, since Haruhi said she didn’t need to change today. Looks like Haruhi’s going to bring Asahina-san someplace today.

  “If possible, can I just have a minor role……”

  Asahina-san pleaded with Haruhi with a sad look.

  “No,” Haruhi replied. “I’m going to make Mikuru-chan famous, after all, you’re like the registered trademark of our brigade. All you need to do is practice signing autographs. Since when the movie premieres, the fans will be queuing up for your signature.”

  Movie premiere? Where does she intend to hold such an event? Asahina-san doesn’t seem too comfortable with this.

  “……But I can’t act.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll guide you well.”

  Asahina-san lifted her head in trepidation and looked at me, and sadly lowered her eyebrows.

  There were only three of us here right now, Because Nagato and Koizumi had meetings for their classes’ festival activities, they were going to be late today. I never thought there would be people who would stay behind after school to prepare these things; I mean, all they needed to do was just sit there and get it over with. I was amazed there were quite a number of people who were serious about it.

  “On the other hand, Yuki and Koizumi-kun aren’t serious about this,” Haruhi said in annoyance. Not knowing how to vent her anger, she pointed her finger at me, “I clearly said this activity takes priority over the rest. Yet they chose to be late so they can attend their classes’ activities. I really need to give them a warning.”

  Maybe Nagato and Koizumi-kun had a better sense of belonging with their classes than Haruhi and I. From a certain perspective, it’s actually more strange for the three of us to be here at this time.

  I suddenly thought of something.

  “Asahina-san, don’t you need to attend your class’s meeting?” “Um, I’m only on the staff responsible for serving the customers, so all that’s left is to design the costumes. I still don’t know what costume I’m going to wear, but I’m looking forward to it.” Asahina-san blushed and smiled. She already seems used to cosplaying now. Instead of sticking around with the SOS Brigade and being forced to wear all sorts of meaningless costumes without any reasons at all, wouldn’t it be better for her to wear something appropriate for the right occasion? It’s perfectly normal for waitresses to appear in a noodle stall, more so than a maid in the Literature Club room.

  I never knew how Haruhi managed to include that in the discussion topic.

  “So, Mikuru-chan, you wanted to dress up as a waitress? Why didn’t you say so? That’ll make things easy, I’ll find a costume for you.”

  I don’t really mind you making these sort of witty remarks, but don’t you think that it’s inappropriate for people in the Literature Club room to wear all sorts of costumes besides their uniform? Even the nurse costume before was questionable, if she has to wear a costume, I still find the maid costume the best……Is this a personal fetish of mine?

  “Oh, all right.”

  Haruhi turned towards me,

  “Kyon, do you know what’s the most important thing when making a movie?” Hmm……Well, I tried to recall every movie scene that has moved me which is worthy for reference. When I finished thinking, I confidently answered, “Innovation and passion?”

  “It’s nothing that abstract!”

  Haruhi rejected my thinking.

  “It’s a camera, of course! How are we going to shoot a movie without one?” You may be right, but I wasn’t talking about something so pragmatic……Forget it, it’s not like I have a lot of innovative ideas or passion for movie making and movie theories, so I wasn’t going to argue.

  “It’s decided.”

  Haruhi retracted her conductor staff and threw it on the commander’s desk.

  “We will now go obtain a camera.”

  Thud! The sound of a chair backtracking can be heard. I turned and saw that Asahina-san’s face had gone pale. Can’t really blame her; after all, Haruhi had savagely looted the computer in this room from the Computer Study Group, using poor Asahina-san as a sacrifice.

  Asahina-san’s brown hair shivered, she slowly opened her cherry blossom lips and said, “U…umm……S…Suzumiya-san, I just remembered something, I need to go back to the classroom.” “Be quiet.”

  Haruhi wore a horrible expression. Asahina-san shuddered and instantly sat back on her chair wearily. Haruhi then smiled gently.

  “Don’t worry.”

  Just because you said “don’t worry” doesn’t guarantee something worth worrying about won’t happen.

  “This time I won’t be using Mikuru-chan’s body as an offering, I only need your help this time.” Asahina-san looked at me with eyes as sad as a calf being sent on a truck to the slaughterhouse. Without shouting loudly, I said to Haruhi, “At least tell us what you want us to help on! Or both Asahina-san and I won’t leave this place.” Haruhi’s expression read, “What’s with these two?”

  She said, “I’m going to find a sponsor, it’s easier to make an impression if I bring the female lead along, right? You come too! Since you have to carry the equipment.”

  Chapter 2

  It’s already autumn, yet for some reason, the weather’s hardly cool. It’s as if the planet has its seasons all wrong and had forgotten to bring autumn over to Japan. The summer heat has now been indefinitely extended, and unless someone comes and hits a home run, it’s unlikely this will end soon. Even if it does, one gets the feeling that autumn would still be shoved aside by winter anyway when it comes.

  “We might be late already.” Haruhi said, so we packed our bags and left the school. Haruhi hurriedly ran along the long winding slope. Just where is she headed? I would understand if we were headed for the Computer Study Group since, after all, we’re a mysterious club that has existed for six months without anyone even knowing what the founding principle is. Being driven out would be a logical end for us.

  We descended from the hill and rode on the local suburban railway. Three stops later, we’ve arrived at the area with the cherry blossom path that Asahina-san and I had walked along together at one time. This place contains a supermarket complex and a shopping street, and because of such, is quite a busy and crowded spot.

  “Right here.”

  Haruhi finally stopped and pointed to an electronics store.

  “I see,” I replied.

  She’s probably going to blackmail the store for their movie equipment.

  I wonder how she’s going to do it?

  “You two wait here, while I go in and negotiate.”

  Haruhi shoved her bag at me and walked into the glass-covered store without any hesitation.

  Asahina-san hid behind me, constantly peeking at the store, which was illuminated by all the lighting equipment. She was like a shy elementary school kid visiting her friend’s place for the first time. As I look at the back of Haruhi, waving her arms and talking to what seemed to be the store manager, my desire to protect Asahina-san became strong. If Haruhi tries anything funny, I’m going to carry Asahina-san under my arms and run off at once.

  Through the glass, Haruhi talked and pointed her finger first at the equipment, then at herself, and then at the manager. Meanwhile the manager nodded nonstop. I wonder whether I should warn him to not believe what she says so easily?

  After a while, Haruhi turned around and pointed her finger towards us, who were already prepared to escape if anything went wrong. She then gave a warm smile, waved her arms, and continued her presentation.

  “What is she doing…?” Asahina-san asked, as she stood behind me, sticking her head out and retracting it again. If even Asahina-san, a time traveler from the future, doesn’t know the answer, then there’s no chance that I would know.

  “Who knows? Probably demanding for them to hand her their best digital camera for free.” She’s the sort of person who can do such a thing without even flinching. Since she truly believes herself to be the center of the universe with everything else revolving around her.

/>   “What a bother.”

  I remember discussing something similar with Nagato before.

  Haruhi believes her values and judgment to be absolute. She does not understand what others think, or realize that they may think differently, or rather, it has never occurred to her that her way of thinking may be completely different from others’ since the beginning.

  If people want to achieve time travel, just put Haruhi on a spaceship. Since she probably wouldn’t give a damn about the Theory of Relativity anyway.

  As I mentioned this to Nagato, all that the silent alien said was, “Your opinion may be correct.” For Nagato, this is very meaningful. For others, Suzumiya Haruhi is a joke.

  “Oh, it seems like they’re done.”

  Asahina-san’s whisper brought me back to reality from my daydreams.

  Haruhi emerged from the electronics store with a satisfied look, carrying a small box in her arms. There was a picture of the product by the side of the box with a brand name. If I’m not mistaken, that was a camera all right.

  Just what threats did she use to intimidate the opposition? Did she threaten to burn the store down? Or maybe start a boycott campaign? Or perhaps to send them prank faxes all night? Or to start a tantrum right there? Could she even have threatened to blow herself up along with the store? “Don’t be ridiculous! I’m not the sort to resort to blackmail!” Haruhi walked along happily, under the glass roof of the shopping street.

  “We’ve now completed the first step! This is too easy!”

  I was forced to carry the box containing the camera while I followed Haruhi.

  I was forced to carry the box containing the camera while I followed Haruhi. I looked at Haruhi’s hair flowing behind her back and asked, “How did you manage to obtain such an expensive item? Is it because you discovered the manager’s dirty secrets?”