Forever (This #5)

by J. B. McGee

  “Ah. Well, we’ll be thinkin’ about y’all.”

  “Thanks.”

  I watch as they enter the elevator and the doors close. Bradley swipes a piece of hair behind my ear, and I lean into his touch. “That was sweet of you,” he says.

  “The past is the past. I would never wish harm on a child for the reckless actions their parents once took. I can’t imagine losing a child.”

  He kisses my forehead. “I love you, Gabby Girl.”

  “Love you. Let’s go get that food. I’m starving.”

  We walk hand in hand to the car until we’re settled inside our silver Nissan 370z.

  After he cranks the ignition. A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri is playing. “Ah. Our song,” I say.

  “Perfect.” He puts the car in gear and pulls out.

  I stare out the window, thinking about my mom as we drive to Stoney River to pick up our food order.

  Taking my hand in hers, she says, “Gabby, you have to promise me that you will at the very least save yourself for marriage. Please give me the peace of mind in knowing that.” She’s weak, and the guilt for causing her to even have to make the statement, to have to ask such a question immediately causes regret to set in the pit of my stomach. “I just want you to reach all your goals, and I don’t want to see a boy or a baby get in the way of them.” Her lip quivers as she continues. “Not that I’ll be here to see it, but you know.”

  “Gah, Mom. Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m being serious. You may love him. But no boy is worthy until they have married you. Promise me you’ll wait.”

  My head automatically moves up and down as I swallow back the tears, trying to be as strong as she is at her weakest point. “I promise.”

  “Gabriella, I don’t want you to not be able to finish school—reach your dreams—because you made a poor decision...because you got pregnant too soon.”

  “Whatcha thinkin’ about so hard over there?” Bradley asks.

  “My mom. School. Babies.”

  “Oh.” I get a glimpse of his beautiful blue eyes. “Because of Veronica?”

  I nod. “Because you keep mentioning babies and because of Veronica.”

  “Have you changed your mind?” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Because if you have, I’ll pull this car over so fast you won’t know what’s hit you, and I’ll be happy to impregnate you.”

  “Ha. That sounds so sexy.” I crumple my brows together. “Not!”

  “I’m kidding. We have food to get. Well, I’m kidding about pulling over, at least. Not kidding about impregnating you at the first chance I get.”

  “I know what you meant. I’m seriously wondering if Mom were here…if she were to see us…if she’d still say the same thing.”

  He cocks his head and pouts his bottom lip out, like he’s pondering the question. “Interesting.”

  “I was in high school when she died, you know. I believe the context she spoke of getting pregnant was mainly a fear of teen pregnancy.”

  “Right.”

  “And finishing high school.”

  “True.”

  “I mean, we’re married. I honored that promise.”

  “Indeed, we did the best we could on that one. I mean, technically, some people say oral is sex. I couldn’t help myself where that was concerned.”

  “I’m so glad we didn’t wait where that was concerned.”

  He laughs. “You like that, Mrs. Banks?”

  I glare at him. “Don’t make me answer that. You know.”

  “Aw. You’re so cute when you’re shy.” He reaches over and places his hand on my knee, then rubs it. “At what point do we get to have a relationship free of these promises you made to your mother?” He briefly glances over at me. “I’ll keep this charade up as long as you want because I love you more than I thought it was possible to love another human being. But…” He takes my hand in his and brings it to his mouth and kisses it. “I think you’re hanging onto promises because you feel like it’s all you have left of her.”

  A tear slips from my eye. “I think you might be right.”

  “Oh, don’t cry. Please don’t cry, Gabby Girl.” He places my hand on his leg and reaches over to swipe away the tear.

  “Can I think about it some more? Maybe talk to Sam about it?”

  “I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you. Take all the time you need. But this thing with Ryan has made me realize time is so precious. We think we have forever, but really all we have is now. I’m ready when you are.”

  Sam and Rebecca left with Bradley and Gabby last night after they brought the Stoney River takeout back. I’d say after we ate, but they ate while I picked at my food. Sam nagged at me about needing food for strength. All it did was piss me off and make me want to starve myself even more. Bradley didn’t say much because he knows when there’s shit on my mind to just leave me the hell alone. And the pile of poo in my head is up to the ceiling.

  I’m in one of the family sleeping rooms for critical care patients. My goal was to come in here to get sleep, but I should have known better. The tiny, white box has a small bed, no windows, and the air conditioning in the already frigid hospital is arctic. Burrowing in the blanket, I tuck my head under in hopes of using my own body heat to keep warm.

  Warmth. Blood. The old saying goes that blood is thicker than water. Well, that statement never seemed true. My parents, for the most part, were assholes growing up. Everything was Ryan this, Ryan that. Joe, be more like your brother. Joe, do this like Ryan did. Joe, you could learn a thing or two from your brother. For a while, I grinned through it. I tried harder, made more of an effort to be someone I wasn’t because the person I was frankly wasn’t good enough. Ryan was more grateful. Ryan was a better student, which somehow equated to Ryan being smarter. I memorized the dictionary for fun one summer out of boredom. Ryan’s memory isn’t as good as mine. Ryan wasn’t a better athlete, but athletics can only take you so far, they’d say. Ryan wasn’t as good with the girls, either. Oh, he was smooth like me. The difference was instead of making it clear what the expectations were or weren’t, he’d lead them on. He’d tell them what they wanted to hear as long as it benefited him. And he had to have the best girl. Because he’s the best.

  Screw that shit.

  I wanted whatever piece of ass I could get. There’s never been empty promises of more. Being the opposite of him became my sport. The object was to never hide my motives. But in doing so, I hid myself. Somehow through it all, the castle walls I used to build out of Legos surrounded my heart before fortifying into steel. The Joe I let people see was the Joe I chose to be.

  Dysfunction abounds in our family. My ability to cope with the constant degrading and comparisons ticked away like a time bomb. With each statement, inaccurate observation, and critique of my personality, the fuse fizzled until I finally exploded. No longer did I give a flying fuck what people thought about me. When I got to college and Ryan was no longer a part of the equation, Bradley came into my life. While Ryan and I had been best friends and brothers our entire life despite the people around us constantly comparing us, Bradley understood me in a way no one ever had before. There was a special bond between us from the moment we met. So, in my experience, blood wasn’t that much thicker than water if it was at all. Hell, he’s just my fraternity brother, but he’s been the most accepting person. And it fucks with my head that it’s possible for someone who has only known me a fraction of my life to get me the way he does, but it is what it is, I guess.

  Somehow over the course of my life, I became everything Ryan is and isn’t. Despite our differences, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. All he’d have to do is ask. So, tonight, as I inhale and exhale under this sheet like we used to do when we pretended our covers were tents, it’s all finally making sense.

  Because since I met Sam, I realized who I chose to show didn’t align with who I am on the inside. For the first time in my life, I wanted someone to see the real me. The me I liked. The boy who memoriz
ed the dictionary, not the near college flunk-out. The man who would do anything for the people he loves. I’d never wanted anything Ryan had before her. Before Sam. Then, suddenly, the one thing he had was everything I wanted. For the first time in my adult life, I tried harder than Ryan. I fought dirtier. My objective was clear. My goal was simple. Win the girl.

  But blood is thicker than water. And it’s all clear. Because when I played, I put all my chips in regardless of the price. And the cost may very well be spending the rest of my life knowing the last interaction with my brother was a fight over a fuckin’ girl. Over the love of our lives because we screwed up and fell in love with the same beautiful, brown-eyed girl.

  Now, every time I see her, my heart twists so fuckin’ hard in my chest it takes my breath away. Hearing her sweet voice still causes my dick to jump to attention, and that confuses the hell out of me.

  My mind’s telling me to walk away so when Ryan wakes up, I can tell him for the first time in our screwed up relationship I chose blood. My dick hates that choice.

  Mom would say to choose with my mind not my dick. So the decision is made. Oh. They used to always say Ryan was so selfless. Well. I’m about to show him what selfless looks like. He just needs to wake up so he can laugh when he finds out I may have won the match, but he won the game.

  The alarm on my phone starts to play some flowery song. As for sounds to wake up to, it’s the one I preferred. The alternative was the beeper that would go off if there were any changes in Ryan’s condition. I mean, I guess waking up to it if it were a good change would be all right. But my fear was being startled by the high-pitched tones to find out he’s taken a turn for the worse. There’s another saying. No news is good news. Kicking the covers off, I stretch my arms as I sit up and turn sideways so my feet are on the ground.

  Six o’clock in the morning comes fast when it was at least two before the brain decided to shut itself off and the eyes to close. The nurses said doctors start rounding at seven o’clock. Families can’t visit for an hour. My goal is to see him before that takes place. I run my hands through my hair as my lips part and a yawn escapes. I slip my feet into the shoes on the floor where I took them off after I sat on this bed. If there were no delays last night, Mom and Dad should arrive right as the physicians do their thing, which will be kinda good. They’ll have time to go ahead and donate their blood. Up until I came to this room, Ryan was stable and didn’t require any more transfusions, which is good because none of us were a match for him. But they said there’s a small chance he may require more if he were to hemorrhage. He’s certainly not out of the woods.

  I swipe the screen of my phone. “Dammit.” The bar for my battery is a sliver of red. Yesterday we left in such a hurry it never occurred to me to bring a charger for my cell. My finger taps the call log, and I pull up Bradley’s number. It rings once.

  “Hey, man. Anything new?” he says, groggily.

  “I’m sorry to call so early.”

  “Don’t be.” It sounds like he’s stretching. I hear his lips smack, and I assume he kissed Gabby. “I’ll be right back. It’s Joe.”

  “Were you awake this early?”

  He chuckles. “No. But it’s okay. Seriously, how is he? You’re a master evader of questions.”

  Master evader of questions. What I want to say is, “No, that’s Sam.” But I don’t. “He’s the same last I heard. I went to one of those family rooms to get some shut-eye.”

  “Well, no news is good news, they say.”

  I smile. “Yeah. My thoughts exactly. I’m about to head up to see him.” My phone makes that stupid sound for the low battery. “I have a favor to ask. My phone’s about to die.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Have you gone by the lake house to get Gabby’s car?” Gabby’s car makes me think of Sam. Sam makes me think of the most incredible sex I’ve ever had in my life. And I regret it. Because before we’d been together, I didn’t know what I was missing. It was better than I could have ever imagined. So even when I used to dream about it, it wasn’t as good as what I know I’m going to be missing. I grind my teeth and take a deep breath. This is going to be so fuckin’ hard.

  “No. We took Rebecca to her place. By the time we were done, we were stuffed and exhausted.”

  My stomach grumbles. Maybe I’ll be able to grab food and actually eat it before visiting my brother. “You still have my key?”

  “Yep.”

  “Can you bring me some clothes? Winter shit. It’s cold as fuck in this hell hole.”

  He laughs. “Yup. What else? Winter clothes, cell phone charger…tooth brush, deodorant?”

  “Ah. Those things sound amazing right about now. The simple luxuries we take for granted, right?”

  “Seriously. I’ll be up there in a little bit. We were about to get up. Sam wanted to be there by eight.” I swallow. Funny how many girls’ hearts I’ve broken not even trying, despite telling them up front there would never be anything more than screwing. Never once have I actually tried to do it. It’s just always happened. Guess there’s a first time for everything. First time for telling the girl you’ll never leave her, then ditching her. First time for telling her you’re not who she thinks you are, then turning out to be someone you don’t even know or recognize. First time for promising not to break her heart, then stomping on it. “Joe? You still there?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Anything else?”

  “That’s it.”

  “We’ll see you shortly. Hang in there, man. It’s gonna be okay.”

  “Thanks.” I wish I believed him. But no matter what happens, I’m the loser.

  How many times does a person have to see their brother hooked up to tubes before they become numb? How many times does a person have to listen to the beep, beep, beep of the heart before they quit holding their breath in between each one, hoping it’s not the last? How many times can someone beg their loved one to wake up?

  Because I’ve lost count as to how many times I’ve done all those things in the past twelve hours. It’s not even been a day. I’m sitting in a chair at his bedside holding his hand, rubbing it with my thumb, and praying, begging God to have mercy on him. A tap on my shoulder causes me to startle. A raspy voice, which I recognize as his nurse, Ruby, says, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “No biggie.”

  “The doctors are about to start rounding, and we just got a call that your parents have arrived and would like to see him. There’s only two visitors allowed at a time.”

  “It’s about time.”

  She smiles. “Yeah. Time.”

  I shake my head. We’re talking about different time. She’s talking about hospital time. I’m talking about the fact my parents are finally here. I exhale, breathing a sigh of relief. Not because I’m excited to see them. But because one of them will be able to donate the blood that could save his life if he becomes unstable.

  I squeeze his hand. “Mom and Dad are here, so I’m gonna go. They say you can hear me.” This feels so stupid talking to him like this. “I just wanted to say…” What the hell is that? A tear? I roll my eyes and sniff that shit back to where it came from. “I love you, man. When you wake up, there’s somethin’ I wanna tell ya.”

  He squeezes my hand. He squeezed my hand. “Um…” I let go. “Um. Ruby?”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “He squeezed my hand,” I say, pointing.

  “Were you talking to him?”

  I nod. My heart feels like it’s on speed. Not that I’d know what speed feels like.

  “He probably heard you. His brain is fine. He’s just very heavily sedated.”

  My lips curve into the most ridiculous, stupid grin. “You’re gonna be okay.” Then my thought goes to Sam. My brother will be given a new life, and I might as well have lost mine. It should have been me. That’s what my parents will think, but won’t say. “I gotta go. Get better, Ryan.”

  I turn and head out. Mom and Dad are waiting by the nur
ses’ station. “How is he?” Mom asks.

  Dad extends his hand, and I shake it. “Son.”

  “He just squeezed my hand for the first time.”

  Mom’s eyes light up and fill with tears in one swift motion. “The nurse said you could both go see him before the doctors round. I’ll be in the waiting room when you’re done.”

  They nod before buzzing in to the critical care unit.

  Mom and Dad enter the waiting room. Mom’s holding a tissue, dabbing her bloodshot eyes. Dad’s Adam’s apple bobs. I glance away. “Did they say Ryan no longer needs blood?”

  “Your father’s about to go.”

  “Why aren’t you?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “There’s no point in me giving. He’s O neg. I’m A positive.”

  Selfish. When I was describing all the ways I failed to live up to expectations, I forgot to mention the ways my family lets me down. “None of us knew if we were matches. Rebecca couldn’t remember his type. We didn’t even ask. We donated anyway. Because even if we’re not a match for Ryan, we’re a match for someone else’s brother…” I almost say boyfriend, but I can’t bring myself to think of Sam as his anymore. If I can’t have her, I’m just going to pretend she doesn’t exist. It’s the only way I can fathom surviving this. “Someone else’s brother, friend, son.”

  “You’ve always gotta be the smart-ass, don’t you?” Dad says. “Your mother’s exhausted. The last thing she needs is to have her blood drained unnecessarily.” Just as he speaks those words, my mind starts connecting dots. Son of a bitch. Mom’s A positive. She’s not a match. Dad’s a match. He’s O neg. I’m O positive. That’s impossible. Bile creeps up the back of my throat as my stomach rumbles incessantly. I have to get away from them, get some space. Ordinarily, I’d talk to Bradley, but I don’t even have charge to be able to call him.

  “Joe?” Mom asks.

  My eyes are fixed on Dad’s. We never looked alike. Everyone’s always said I’m a spitting image of my mother. Ryan and I got her brown eyes. But my features have always been much darker than his…and hers. Ryan and I are a totally different build.