Forever (This #5)

by J. B. McGee

  “Are you okay, son?” Dad asks.

  Words swirl in my mind, but none seem to find their way out until I finally blink and look away. “Yeah. Whatever.” My stomach growls loudly. “I’m gonna go get food while there’s a break. You wanna come with me, Mom?” When my eyes meet hers, her tears begin to flow more freely. A pained expression washes over her, and she shakes her head. “Joe,” she mouths. I clench my eyes closed while grinding my teeth. My hands ball into fists.

  Dad nods. “I was gonna suggest you take her to the cafeteria while I donate. She’s barely eaten since we got the news.”

  “Let’s go so we can get back.” I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about getting back at this point. The only thing I care about is getting answers. All these years they’ve made me feel inferior, and I guess I am. I’m really a bastard. Did Dad know? Did Ryan? Is the joke on me? Am I the laughing stock of the family? It’s easier to overlook your own disgraces when you focus on someone else’s.

  Mom turns toward Dad. One look at her and his arms stretch to embrace her. Oh. She’s not crying for the reasons you think. Unless he knew. I scan his face. He glares at me. The conversation I had with Sam on the carriage ride to the wedding plays in my mind. Secrets destroy lives. This is karma. This is payback for going after what wasn’t mine to take. This is the universe saying, “Fuck you, Joe.” This is the end game. My chest hurts. There’s a whooshing in my ears, and my head feels like it’s about to explode with questions. I place my hand on her back. “Ma. C’mon so Dad can help Ryan.” That’ll pull her in my direction. Because she couldn’t possibly want to spend time with me. She couldn’t possibly want to save me. Saving me would have meant no secrets. No deception.

  When we are out of earshot from Dad, I glare at her. She looks straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact with me. I press the button for the elevator. “So,” I mutter.

  “Joe. Let’s not do this here.”

  I narrow my eyes. “And just when and where do you prefer to do this? Oh. That’s right. You don’t. You’d prefer to let me spend my entire effing life oblivious,” I whisper through clenched teeth.

  “We didn’t know.”

  My head jerks back. “You didn’t know you slept with another man who fathered your child?” Laughter bolsters from me as the elevator dings and we step in. I jab the button.

  “Watch yourself. I’m still your mother, and you will respect me.”

  “Ha. Respect is given where respect is earned. You can explain yourself, and then maybe you’ll have earned my respect. You can start with does Dad know?”

  She nods.

  In-fucking-credible.

  “Ryan?”

  She shakes her head. Well, that’s reassuring. “So this explains why I was never good enough for either of you? I reminded you of your ex-lover.”

  “It’s not quite like that.”

  “Great!” I throw my hands up toward the ceiling as the elevator stops. “I can’t wait to hear the whole damn story.”

  The doors open. “Watch your language.”

  I step out, but she’s still behind me. “Or what? You’re going to ground me? Thank God those days are over.”

  “Son—”

  “Don’t son me right now, Mother.” She steps off and I wait a second for her to catch up with me. My legs are much longer than hers. “Does anyone else know?”

  “You have every right to be upset, but I swear we didn’t know.”

  I cock my head. “You didn’t know?” I ask with a laugh. “All these years you’ve really convinced yourself I’m stupid, haven’t you?” We walk through the doors of the cafeteria. “I’m a hell of a lot more intelligent than you give me credit for.”

  “Can we please just sit somewhere and talk? Maybe without such a colorful vocabulary.”

  That makes me think about the summer I spent memorizing the dictionary. It wasn’t so much out of boredom like I told Sam. It was out of an urge to escape their shit. “I’m starving, so I’m gonna get food first. Dad said you need to eat too.”

  “My stomach is rolling. There’s no way I can consume food right now.”

  Good. I hope it’s tumbling like a damn washing machine because mine feels like a dryer with sneakers beating it to death. But my hope is food will give me the strength to make it through this conversation before I lose my mind. “Whatever,” I grumble.

  We go in opposite directions. I get in the line for fresh breakfast. She picks up a banana and stands by the cashier, watching me. The young female server stares me down, holding a Styrofoam box. “What can I get for you, sir?”

  “Two servings of egg whites and grits.”

  “That’s it?”

  Jack. Vodka. Tequila. “That’s it.” I smile. She looks like a sweet enough girl. She doesn’t deserve my frown, my attitude, or my frustration with the universe.

  She passes the box over the glass partition. “Here you go. Have a great day.”

  “Thanks,” I say, taking the container and starting to walk to grab a drink. Why do people in the hospital tell you to have a great day? The only non-medical people here who are having a great day are the ones who are having healthy babies. Maybe she thinks I’m a proud father. Father. She made me want kids. Sam did. I could actually see myself rubbing her growing belly, adoring a baby. But we can’t be together, and not knowing who my father is right now—knowing my mother slept with another man—makes me never want to procreate. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe there is no possible way to have a family free of dysfunction. There’s no way I’d want to bring another human being into this world to go through the hell I’m experiencing right now.

  The cooler has yogurt parfaits that look decent, so I grab one of those in addition to a bottle of water, then take a few steps to join my mother. I nod at her hands. “A banana. That’s it?”

  “I told you—”

  “Yeah. And Dad told me to feed you. He won’t be upset with you. He’ll be upset with me. But that’s the story of my life, right? It won’t be anything new.”

  For a second, while I was waiting in line for my food back there, I felt like an asshole when I saw her bloodshot, droopy eyes. Her prodigal son is upstairs fighting for his life. She’s flown nearly halfway around the world surely riddled with worry. But dammit, she’s kept one of the most important things from me my entire life. And maybe if I could do something right in their eyes, I could swallow it all a little easier, but even with her knowing I know, she still has nothing nice to say.

  I point to a table around a hidden corner, knowing she won’t want to be seen or heard. “Let’s sit here. You don’t wanna eat, that’s fine with me. But you owe me the truth.”

  She nods. “You’re right.”

  Of course I am. Nice of her to actually acknowledge it. I pop the Styrofoam lid backward. “Shit. I forgot to get a fork. I’ll be right back.”

  She shakes her head. “You and that foul mouth of yours.”

  That foul mouth of mine holds its tongue when it nearly responds with a snarky comment about her not being able to keep her legs together. It only takes me a few long strides to get to the utensil dispenser. I press the lever for a fork, then the one for a knife, grab a few packets of salt, and make my way back to the table. She’s peeled the banana and taken a few bites.

  I plop down in the chair and scoot closer. “So,” I say, ripping the salt package open. “Talk.”

  “Your father and I got married young. Ryan came along very quickly. We never had time for ourselves. Your father loved me, but he didn’t act like he was in love with me. Everything became about Ryan. I just wanted to feel alive and wanted again…like me and not just a mother.” She takes a bite of her banana.

  I have a staring competition with my eggs while raking them with my fork. “Like a lover.”

  She nods. “I was working at a production facility. There was a young manager. His father had gotten him the position. He was very handsome. All the girls gushed over him.”

  My stomach rumbles and I force a bite
of eggs into my mouth, but have to swallow them hard to force them down. “Continue.”

  “He paid me the attention I craved.”

  The food creeps back up. “Please spare me any sexual details.”

  “One thing led to another. It happened one time. That was it.”

  “Did you at least use a condom?”

  “Yes.”

  Well, that’s a relief. “It obviously broke.”

  She nods and puts her half-eaten banana down.

  I unscrew the cap from my water and take a swig. “Keep going.”

  “That’s pretty much it.”

  I shake my head and nearly throw my bottle across the table. “Oh hell no it’s not. You don’t expect me to believe he didn’t have a name, do you?”

  She stares at her fidgeting fingers. “Don’t push it, Joe.”

  My palms meet the table top. “Dammit, Mom. I shouldn’t have to push it. You should have told me this as soon as I was old enough to fuckin’ comprehend it.” I point to the ceiling. “What if that was me up there? What if I had needed the blood transfusion while you were on one of your many vacations? Huh?” She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. “Oh, right. You only care about Ryan.”

  “Joe.”

  “Who. Was. He?”

  “Bill…”

  “Spit it out, Mother. Who is my father?”

  Bradley walks around the corner. My eyes meet his right as the words leave her mouth.

  “Bill Banks.”

  I never break my gaze with him. “As in the senator? As in Bradley Banks’ father?”

  Her eyes clinch closed as she bites her lip.

  “Answer me, Mother.” I maintain eye contact with my best friend, who’s holding a bag with my belongings.

  “Yes.”

  “Wait. What?” Bradley asks.

  I pinch my brows and close my eyes as the bombshell starts to make its way through my mind. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Keep your voice down, son.”

  When I open my eyes, Bradley’s closed the distance to the table. He’s like a bull that’s seen red. Never have I seen him look like this. “What the hell is going on here?”

  Mom whips her head around. “Bradley. I’m so sorry you had to find out like this. Have a seat.”

  Bradley’s presence causes my shoulders to loosen. I roll them around. I guess this explains our bond, but my nostrils flare when I realize both my parents knew and deprived me of two siblings, Bradley and Carmen. I have a sister.

  “Have a seat?” He glares at her. “With all due respect, you’re not my mother. I’ll stand. Did I just hear correctly?” His free fist tightens into a ball. “Did you just say my father is Joe’s father? Because I could have sworn that’s what I heard.”

  “I did. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want either of you to find out like this.”

  The words lash at my heart and slice it. “No. You didn’t want either of us to find out at all,” I hiss.

  Bradley laughs nervously. “Well, it’s no secret my dad screws around. Always has apparently.” He pulls the chair, turns it around, and straddles it. “I think I’ll sit after all. I have some questions of my own.” I smirk. Bradley doesn’t like being told what to do any more than I do, so I love he defied my mother, but then did what she asked on his own terms. And it’s on like Donkey Kong. My brother…my real fuckin’ brother has come, and he’s going to help me get to the bottom of this because we’re in this together. Man, if feels nice to not be alone.

  “Did Bill know?” I ask, my voice rising. I realize right after I’ve said it, Bradley asked the same question at the same time, even calling his father Bill. We both look at each other and simultaneously harrumph. His eyes are mesmerized like he’s connecting the same dots at the same exact time as I am. I smile.

  “Of course he knew I got pregnant. Eventually the guilt from the affair ate me alive. Your father knew something had happened. I was never good at covering up things or lying.”

  That causes me to bolster over in hysterics. Loud hysterics. “Bradley. You hear that?” I reach over the table and shove his shoulder back and forth as he grins at me. “She’s never been good at lying. Funniest damn shit I’ve ever heard in my life.”

  Bradley’s eyes glimmer for the first time since he walked around that corner and he chuckles. “Pretty damn funny.”

  Mother covers her lips with her finger. “Keep your voices down, especially using that language.” She looks down at Bradley like she looked down at me so many times before. It makes my blood boil. It’s one thing for her to do that to me, but Bradley’s as good as they come. He’s not perfect, but he’s the closest thing I’ve ever seen. Especially since he found Gabby. “Quit telling us how to behave, judging us. You don’t see either of us telling you to keep your legs closed.”

  “Joe!”

  “Touché,” Bradley says, which causes my lips to curve into a huge grin.

  I fist bump him. “Good one, right?”

  His hand meets mine. “Hell yeah.”

  A security guard comes around the corner. “Folks. I’m gonna have to ask that you take this conversation elsewhere if you can’t cut the language and lower your voices.” He puffs his chest out and narrows his eyes. “This is a hospital.”

  Well, I’ll be damned.

  I glance at Bradley and we both nod, smiling.

  “He’s right. I get you’re both upset. You have every right. I deserve everything you’re saying, but we’re adults. Can we please just act like it?”

  Bradley shrugs. “Yes, ma’am. You have our full, undivided attention. We promise to behave like good little boys. Why don’t you explain everything? And please don’t skip the part where you tell us whether you and my father planned us attending the same college and becoming fraternity brothers. Was that your little way of making sure we had a relationship, but keeping your secret? But I think we left off with you being bad at lying, which is still pretty comical.”

  I fucking love him. Calm, even-keeled, and cuts right to the chase minus the colorful language, but with just as much sting.

  She hangs her head. “Joe, your father gave me an ultimatum to come clean or he was leaving. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. In a way you saved our marriage.”

  “You’re unbelievable.” I rub the back of my neck.

  “It’s the truth. Your father was initially pissed. We separated for a time. It devastated me…and him.”

  Bradley scratches his stubble with his head down.

  She continues. “There was a chance, Joe, you were ours. Mine and your father’s.” Her mouth sounds like it has a cotton ball shoved inside.

  Looking around the table, I realize she only got the banana with nothing to drink. Reaching for the bottle of water I nearly threw across the table what seems like forever ago, I hand it to her. “Drink.”

  She unscrews the lid from the bottle and takes a swallow, then twists it back in place and returns it. “The split was hard because we had Ryan. We still loved each other, we had just lost our way for a bit. Your father and I agreed we’d never find out the paternity. He wanted to raise you as his own, for our family to be whole.”

  “That’s real fine and dandy. But we all know actions speak louder than words. If y’all were trying to raise me like your own, you fu—” I shake my head, holding back my favorite word. “You failed. You didn’t raise me like you raised Ryan.”

  “I’m sorry. We did the best we could.”

  I toss my hands in the air before running them through my hair. “That was the best you could do?”

  “Joe.”

  Bradley puts his hand up. “My turn.”

  I nod.

  “You said my father knew. Does my mother?” It’s never been a secret that Holley Banks, Bradley’s mom, knows her husband sleeps around. The dysfunction in his family has been centered largely on her sticking by his side through it all.

  “Your mother was a month farther along than me. When I made the decision to sleep
with him, I thought I could handle an affair. I was in a bad place. I don’t know if she knows.”

  I bite my lip and tilt my head toward the ceiling. “Stop making excuses for your poor choices. Is it too much to ask that you just say you screwed up?”

  She bites back. “I didn’t screw up. Without that mistake you would have never been born.”

  “Right. It would have saved you all the disappointment in Joe not being as grateful as Ryan, Joe not doing as well as Ryan, Joe not caring as much as Ryan. Shall I continue with all the ways you’ve shown you love me?”

  “I do love you.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it.” I stare down the table and try to scratch off a speck that’s engrained in the solid surface.

  “I’m sorry we let you down.” An apology I never would have gotten if my brother hadn’t nearly been killed by his very own vehicle.

  I turn my wrist to see my watch. Another fifteen minutes before we can see him again. “Bradley asked if you and Bill worked out our college choices on purpose.”

  “Bill and I never spoke after the affair other than at work. He moved up the chain of command quickly. The fact you both ended up at the same school and became best friends was…fate, I guess.”

  “And even after fate brought us together as adults, you didn’t think to tell me. To give me a choice at deciding the paternity issue. At giving me a chance to get to know my brother and sister?” Bradley’s eyes go wide and fix on mine. His lips curve upward at the same time as mine. We start to chuckle, then it turns to laughter…hysterical, delirious laughter. He bangs his hand on the table as I hold my stomach.

  Words evade me, but not Bradley. “Family. We’re all really family.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Christmas should be real fun, then, huh?”

  “Good thing your brother owns a bar. I’ll supply the booze.”

  Mom picks up our trash. “I’m going to check on your other brother. I’ll leave you two to it.”

  I sigh. I’m sick of hearing her voice even though I desperately wanted answers from her. After she walks away, I study Bradley’s features. We both have high cheekbones. Our square jaws are practically the same. Our hair color’s the same. We really do look alike. “So…”