Tattered on My Sleeve

by Autumn Jones Lake

  Trin glances at the house, then back at me. “I feel like I should talk to her, but don’t know if that will make it better or worse.”

  “Give it a sec.”

  We watch Murphy step out of the car and the cops uncuff him.

  What the fuck happened?

  Hope’s still arguing with the officers and Trinity snickers. “She’s like a little pit bull.”

  Finally, the cops leave and Murphy ambles up the driveway. The first thing out of his mouth, “Is Heidi okay?”

  “She’s in the house,” Trin explains.

  Hope breaks out of Rock’s hold. “I’ll check on her.” She touches Murphy’s arm. “You sure you’re all right?”

  Murphy grins. “Yeah. I’ll be better when I get my bike back.”

  “I’ll drive you downtown,” Trinity offers.

  Uh, what now? Except she’s really the only option that makes sense, so I keep my mouth shut. Even though she still won’t let me go public, alone together things have been good. I trust my girl.

  Rock shakes his head. “Jesus Christ. Never a dull fuckin moment. You wanna explain that shit, Murph?” he asks, clamping his hand on the back of Murpy’s neck and walking him up the driveway.

  “Empire pigs really got nothing better to do but hassle little girls?” Z spits out.

  As a group, we all head inside. There’s no sign of Hope or Heidi. Axel’s pacing around the living room and glances up as we come in. “They’re in the bathroom.”

  Trinity fidgets in the kitchen and I’m about to tell her it’s time to go home when Hope walks in with her arm around Heidi.

  We all give her a round of applause.

  “It’s not funny,” she grouches.

  “Can we please have some fuckin’ cake now?” Z shouts, breaking the tension.

  Trin unveils her creation and everyone admires it.

  “Holy shit, Trin. You should be on one of those cake decoratin’ reality shows or something.” Z says.

  “Why do you even know something like that exists?” I ask him and he flips me off.

  We’ve barely finished the damn cake before Hope’s cleanin’ up after us.

  “Let’s talk,” Axel says to Heidi in a lowered voice, that I don’t think I was meant to hear. They leave out the back door.

  Murphy watches them, then turns to Trinity and raises an eyebrow. “Can we go get my bike now?”

  Motherfucker.

  Trinity glances at me before answering. “Yeah—”

  Hope pats Trin’s shoulder. “I’ve got this, Trinity. Go ahead.”

  Thank you so much, Hope.

  I catch Trinity’s eye before she leaves with Murphy and she shrugs.

  Godfuckingdammit.

  I’ve got my hands wrapped around a beer bottle, shredding the label, when Hope settles her hand on my shoulder.

  “Need anything?” Must look like a real miserable bastard I guess.

  Yeah, I need someone else to drive Murphy downtown. “I’m fine. Thanks, babe.”

  She squeezes my arm and I reach up and pat her hand. I can’t fucking believe the way she went after those cops. Stickin’ up for one of us the way she did. “You did good tonight, Hope.”

  Obvious surprise crosses her face. “What do you mean?”

  “With the cops. Sticking up for Murphy. Taking care of Heidi.”

  An uncertain smile curves her lips. “Thanks, Wrath,” she answers.

  “What a birthday party.” I can’t help laughing while I’m turning the Jeep around in Rock’s driveway.

  Wrath snorts. “Yeah, not every day the birthday girl gets to ride in a cop car. Murph tell you what the fuck happened?”

  “No more than he said before.”

  He grunts and asks me a question that surprises me. “He behave himself?”

  “What?” Then his meaning sinks in. “No, we stopped for a quickie in front of the police station,” I snap.

  “Is that what I asked? I asked if he behaved himself.” Wrath answers calmly.

  Yeah, okay. He’s right. “Yes, he behaved.”

  We’re quiet for a while and I run over the day. “Heidi apologized to me and told me how much she loved the cake.”

  “Good, about fucking time she treats you with some respect.”

  "You know or suspect why she doesn’t like me, don’t you?” Why am I inviting trouble? But I can’t help feeling like if we’re doing this couple thing we should come clean with each other.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “But—”

  “Yes,” he snaps. “I can put the pieces together. You don’t need to draw me a picture.”

  “Okay. I’m sorry.”

  His hand reaches over and squeezes my leg. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s in the past, right?”

  “Right.”

  But for some reason it still feels wrong.

  Light stings my eyes and soft cursing pulls me out of sleep in the middle of the night.

  Trin’s at her computer again. This time I don’t get up. I just watch her. It’s bugging the fuck out of me that I can’t figure out what she’s up to.

  I end up falling asleep going over all the possible scenarios.

  In the morning I’m alone. On my way out of the bathroom, my hip knocks her chair, which bumps into the desk.

  Her computer screen lights up.

  “What the ever-loving fuck?”

  A sharp intake of breath behind me turns my head from the screen. “What are you doing?” Trin yelps and runs over to shut the screen off.

  “What am I doing? What the hell is that?”

  She crosses her arms over her chest. “I can’t believe you went snooping through my stuff!”

  “I didn’t snoop.” Not today anyway. “I’m a little fuckin’ unsteady on my feet and bumped into your desk.” Why am I explaining myself? She’s the one who has some explaining to do.

  Her bottom lip rolls, and she nibbles on it. Fuckin’ great, she’s tryin’ to distract me by being cute.

  “Trin?”

  She swings her gaze to me and her eyes are all shiny. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

  “At what? Why you got half-naked guys on your computer, Trin?”

  Her chest rises and falls as she takes a deep breath. “It’s a book cover. I’ve been taking these digital art classes. Well, I was. Not since—”

  “What?”

  “Not since I started helping you prepare for the fight. Because they were Saturday classes and you needed my help.”

  I’m so fucking confused right now.

  I drop down on the bed and motion her over. “Start at the beginning.”

  Cheeks bright pink, eyes still glassy like she might cry, my poor girl’s twisted up in knots. “I started messing around for fun, just doing little digital art pieces. I posted a few on this site I belong to and someone asked if they could use it for a book cover. Then someone else saw my name in that book and contacted me and it went from there. When I realized I needed to learn some better programs and techniques I started taking classes at the art center over in Ironworks—”

  “You’ve been going to Ironworks, by yourself?”

  “Yeah. I don’t wear anything that identifies me as belonging to the club. I’m allowed to do that.”

  She’s right. Still hate the idea of her being in Viper territory by herself. But at the same time, I admire her determination.

  “It’s right over the bridge, barely inside their territory,” she assures me.

  “Okay. Continue.”

  “That’s it. But I’m behind on a few projects which is why I’ve been working at night.”

  Because of me. Fuck. “And the classes?”

  “I’m going to sign up for a couple of one-day sessions when you’re better.”

  “You dropped out ‘cause of me?” Here I was trying to give her something to focus on, but she already had something and I ruined it for her.

  “I didn’t drop out. They’re going to let me use my remaining classes up
. It’s not like school where I’m getting a certificate or something.”

  Still doesn’t make me feel any better. Something else occurs to me. “So that ‘date’ you told me about, was an art class?”

  She dips her head. “Yeah. You hurt my feelings, I wanted to make you jealous.”

  Sharp laughter rushes out of me. “Well, you did.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, I deserved it. I was pretty twisted up after that night, seeing you and Tell—”

  Her eyes gloss over with tears again, “I’m sorry.”

  My fingers trace along her jaw, tipping her head up so I can see her eyes. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just wanna explain—”

  “I know. Believe me, I know.”

  Yeah, I guess she does.

  “Wait a second. What’s with the half-naked dudes, though? What kind of books are these?”

  The pink staining her cheeks gets brighter. “Romance books.”

  Don’t laugh. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t.

  I nod at her computer. “Show me.”

  She looks downright horrified at the idea. “Come on. Show me how talented my girl is.”

  “I used the computers at the school for some of the more complex things. My computer doesn’t have enough memory to use one of the programs I need.” She stations herself in front of the screen and calls up an online bookstore, taps in a few things and brings up a page. There’s a line of maybe fifteen or sixteen book covers and she scrolls through them for me.

  “They’re so small, babe. Can you enlarge them?”

  She hesitates, but does it one by one. “This book made a list.” She points out a few other details about different ones and I get a little lost, but try to follow her train of thought. Other than our club by-laws, I don’t think I’ve willingly picked up a book since high school. This is a world that’s completely foreign to me. But I can’t help wanting to know more because she lights the fuck up as she’s explaining it to me. I love seeing her so passionate about something—besides sex. She’s so animated and excited, it floors me. She explains the work involved in a rush and it’s clear how much she loves this. That she trusts me enough to share this, even though I sensed how hard it was for her, twists my insides.

  “So what’s holding you back?”

  A soft blush spreads over her cheeks. “I’m saving up for better equipment. The art center has been nice about letting me use their equipment, but eventually I want my own set up.”

  Well, fuck me.

  The club has always taken care of her expenses and we pay her a small salary for other stuff she might need, but it ain’t much. I may not know anything about books, but from ordering tech stuff for the club with Z, I know plenty about computers. Gonna take her an awful lot of time to save up for the kind of shit she’s talking about. I’m sure if she asked Rock, he’d get her anything she wanted. Problem is, she’d never ask for anything from the club.

  The other problem is I don’t want anyone else helping her with this. I need to do a little research.

  An idea begins to take shape in my head, but I keep it to myself.

  Telling Wrath about my hobby leaves me feeling raw and exposed.

  But he doesn’t make fun of me. He seems genuinely interested.

  “I was thinking about asking Hope if she’d help me incorporate. Make it a legit business.” I float the idea to see if he’ll laugh.

  “That’s a great idea. I can give it to Glassman’s firm—”

  “No!” Wrath seems startled and I try to control my voice. “Please don’t tell any of the guys.”

  “Rock doesn’t know?”

  My heart thumps a few extra panicked beats. “No. Please. I don’t want—I’d be mortified.”

  He tilts his head. “Why? You’re obviously talented and really good at it.”

  I don’t have an answer for him.

  “You realize with the way Z monitors the internet set up we have here, there’s a good chance he knows anyway, right?”

  “I don’t really picture him sifting through my e-mail.”

  “He’s a big perv, he could be searching for nudes.”

  I shove him away. “Ugh. I’d never do that.”

  “No? What about me?”

  “You want to send nudes to someone?”

  “No. I want you to send them to me.”

  “We’ll see.” I don’t give myself time to chicken out before asking my next question. “You know, most stock photos aren’t very good and they get reused a lot. You’d make a great model for me.”

  The look on his face is priceless.

  “I mean, I could charge more if I had my own original photos.”

  “I’m a little old for that, don’t you think?”

  Is he kidding? “Uh, no. You’re all muscle-y-male perfection.”

  He just keeps staring at me like I’m completely nuts.

  Maybe I am.

  “I’d only use you from like, the chin down.”

  “Not my face?”

  “No. The idea is to turn women on, not scare them away.”

  He pins me to the bed, shifting so he’s over me. “Think you’re funny don’t you?”

  I’m laughing too hard to answer.

  The length of his body presses against mine.

  Then I’m not laughing anymore. His fingers slide into my hair; a gentle massaging touch I wouldn’t have thought he’d be capable of. “Thank you for confiding in me.”

  “Thank you for not laughing.”

  He draws back, blue eyes searching my face. “You’re my girl. I wouldn’t laugh.”

  Every awful thing ever said about me when I was a kid—ugly, disfigured, damaged, whore—is replaced by two other words. My girl. I adore them, yet I’m so afraid they won’t last.

  For once I wake up with Trin still curled up next to me.

  Last night fuckin’ floored me for many reasons.

  If it’s possible, I love her even more.

  I roll out of bed as gently as possible and get ready to meet the guys in the war room for church. Grudgingly I grab the crutches and make my way down the hall. Fucking doctor keeping me at non-weight-bearing status is gettin’ old quick.

  By the look on his face and the way Rock’s practically vibrating out of his skin, something’s going down. If I had to guess, I’d say he wants to take a vote on Hope gettin’ a property patch.

  Good. I could use some entertainment this morning.

  He studies me with concern as I drop into my chair. “You feelin’ all right?”

  “Yeah. Fuckin’ cast is bullshit.”

  “Slowin’ your game?” Z asks from across the table. As if I can’t reach over and punch his pretty-boy face.

  “Brother’s got no game. Trinity’s been carrying his balls around in her back pocket for weeks,” Dex snarks.

  Well, look who reached down and found a sense of humor. I laugh because it’s funny and true. Girl has my balls, heart and everything in between. Getting tired of pretending otherwise.

  Sparky twitches through the entire meeting. Brother can’t stand being away from his plants for too long. He’s got a crop close to harvest. I’d say that’s why he’s stressed but honestly, he’s like this through every stage the plants go through.

  Strip club’s doing well. Z and Dex found someone to replace Inga. I can’t imagine that was too difficult. There seems to be no shortage of hot, bitchy blondes willing to shed their clothes for cash.

  Got a run out to the Devil Demons that’s normally mine comin’ up. Obviously, I can’t go.

  “Told ya, take my fuckin’ cut.”

  My offer is met with the usual hostility from my brothers.

  “There’s an exception in the by-laws for injuries, you fuckhead, so stop offering,” Z bitches at me.

  It’s true. I still feel like a piece of shit for not carrying my weight. Flipping Z off only makes me feel a fraction better.

  Rock calls the meeting to a close, but asks the officers to
hang back. That’s not unusual. He wastes no time getting down to business.

  “I want to give Hope a property patch.”

  Boom! There it is.

  Been waitin’ a grip now for this to go down.

  As always, Z needs it spelled out for him. “You asking for our votes, prez?”

  “Yes.”

  Rock stares everyone down, his steely gaze locking on me last. Just daring me to vote no.

  Inside I’m laughing my ass off and gonna enjoy the hell out of messing with him. Outside, I’m indifferent.

  “You lay it out for her?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  Bullshit. “Everything?”

  Through clenched teeth, he spits out, “Not quite.”

  What the fuck you waiting for?

  He reads the question loud and clear. “She knows enough. I trust her. You heard her the night of the party. It ain’t gonna rattle her.”

  Yeah, I guess. Still think she should know what she’s marrying herself to.

  Teller—asskisser that he is—raises his hand like the obnoxious know-it-all I always wanted to punch in grade school. “She’s been real good to Heidi. Trinity too. She’s got love for the club. Prez is happy. She gets my vote.” Big shock there. Teller is a mini-Rock. He ain’t ever gonna challenge the prez on anything.

  My teeth grind together when he mentions Trinity’s name. I understand why. Still don’t fuckin’ like it.

  Murphy has liked Hope from day one. He’s extra sweet on her since she seems to have taken Heidi under her wing. I definitely respect that. But Murph’s another one who’ll never challenge Rock. “She’s a classy girl. Doesn’t give anyone grief. She was ready to rip those cops’ heads off after Heidi’s party. Abso-fucking-lutely.”

  Now Z’s more interesting because he will challenge Rock if he needs to. But he’s also guzzled quite a bit of the Hope Koolaid. “She keeps her shit locked down. Took that bullshit the club girls heaped on her with class. Treats Trinity with respect. Never cops an attitude in public, even though I know she gives prez hell when they’re alone. Fuck yes.”

  All good observations.

  Rock chuckles and glances down at the table before turning to me. Fucker’s actually happy for the first time in years. Maybe for the first time since I’ve known him. It seems absurd but somehow they fit together. He seems to be figuring out how to balance between her world and ours.