Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

“Louise!”

  “Shhh,” she said. She removed her shoes and bounded hurriedly down the stairs and towards her office. As she got to bottom of the stairs a figure swung around and they collided.

  “Entschuldigung!” Uwe said apologetically. “I did not see you there.” He looked at her hands and then down at her feet, “Why are you not wearing any shoes?”

  “Oh, they were killing my feet. You just missed Tony, he’s only this minute gone up the stairs,” she said without thinking and instantly wishing she’d kept her mouth shut.

  “Es ist mir völlig Wurst,” he said looking down his nose.

  “What?” she replied with a look of confusion. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’ve got things to attend to.” She put her shoes back on and trotted back towards her office.

  Uwe eyed her suspiciously as she disappeared.

  The day of the finals came at last, Tony stood alone in the toilets of the changing rooms. With his eyes closed he calmed himself by breathing deeply. The wall of his chest slowly expanded and retracted. Never in his life had he carried this much responsibility. Never in his life had so many people believed in him. Never in his life had he felt he owed other people so much. The weight of the world was on his shoulders and he could not fail the people who had put their faith in him.

  Through the walls he could hear the muffled cheers and songs from the supporters. He attempted to block this out and tried to listen solely to the sound of his breathing. The changing room served as a bubble to protect him, but the seconds were ticking away before he had to leave.

  Suddenly, another sound interrupted his meditation. He listened intently to the patter of footsteps and the squeak of the rubber hockey studs on the tiled floor. Then finally, the voice came.

  “Hey, Tony, are you in here?” Keenan shouted.

  Tony didn’t answer. The footsteps came closer. They stopped outside the cubicle, and then came the knock.

  “Tony, is that you in there?”

  He waited a moment, then spoke. “Yes, I’m in here. Just give me a minute.”

  “We don’t have a minute. We’re waiting for you … everybody’s waiting for you.”

  Slowly, he unlocked the door and stepped out.

  Keenan looked at Tony. “Are you alright, mate?” he said with some concern.

  Tony puffed out a burst of air.

  Keenan slapped him on the back, “Come on, man. Don’t let the pressure get to you.”

  Tony nodded, his face took on an expression of gritty determination. “Where’s my stick?”

  Keenan grinned, “Aye, that’s the spirit.”

  Tony and Keenan marched out onto the pitch. When the home supporters saw Tony emerge a huge cheer erupted. The whoops and hollers were deafening and Tony gave his fans the thumbs up.

  “You can do it! We know you can!”

  “Come on, Team Queens, we believe in you!”

  “Queenies never say die!”

  The emotion was getting the better of Tony, but he knew he had a job to do. He closed his mind off and walked over to his team mates. He raised his hand and beckoned them to come closer and form a circle.

  “Right, lads, you know what we’re up against today don’t you?”

  “The Libyans!” Uwe growled, he cast a look over his shoulder as the lesbian team warmed themselves up at the other end of the pitch.

  It wasn’t the time to correct him. “That’s right. It’s the finals and we’re up against the lesbians. Now, we beat them once before, but only because they got disqualified. They’re not going to make the same mistake again, so we really need to give it all we’ve got. We’ve got to go out there fighting today and we can’t give them an inch.” The passion from Tony’s speech affected the whole team as they listened to their leader. “Now, listen to me. I believe in you. I believe in each and every one of you.”

  Hugh twitched and interrupted. “Even me?” he said unsurely.

  “Without a shadow of a doubt,” Tony replied, and he placed a hand on Hugh’s shoulder. He gripped him firmly, “You’re a fantastic goalie and I know you won’t let us down.”

  Hugh smiled, grateful for the faith that Tony had in him. “I promise you, Tony, I won’t let you down.”

  “Okay, so the time has come. This is our finest hour. When this game is over we can hold our heads high and let those bitches know that they can’t fuck with us! Now, let’s go and get them!” He raised his hockey stick into the air and waved it and the rest of the team followed suit. Tony turned and ran towards the centre of the pitch to face his nemesis.

  “Ah, Lezzy Lex, we meet again,” Tony drawled, as he joined her in the centre of the circle.

  “Oh, you finally decided to show up then? I didn’t think you had the guts to come out to face us today.”

  “You know what? I’ve kind of missed you,” he said with a wink.

  Lex tilted her head and stared into the middle distance, “I’m trying to think of the last time we saw each other. Hmmm. Ah, yes, I remember now. The last time I saw you I kicked the living shit out of you and your mates in that car park.” She cackled with glee as she recalled this.

  “Go on, laugh it up,” Tony growled. “You’ve got good reason to be proud. You won a fight where I didn’t even throw a punch. Congratulations!”

  She scowled at him for a moment and then glared at the umpires. “Hey, are we gonna start this massacre, I mean game, or what?”

  One of the umpires stepped forward and took a coin out of his pocket. “We normally let the ladies have the call in the coin toss, but in the absence of a lady …”

  “Oi! I am a lady,” she protested. Tony laughed to himself.

  “Are you?” the umpire said in genuine shock. “Oh, please accept my apologies.” He looked over at Tony and raised his eyebrows.

  “Easy mistake to make,” Tony said genuinely, trying to get the umpire on side.

  “Only because I’m stood opposite you, you faggot!” she said with a snarl.

  “Attila the Hun would look feminine stood next to you, Lex.” He winked at the umpire and gave him a nudge.

  The umpire let out a little snigger, but quickly suppressed it at the sight of Lex’s face. “Call!” He threw the coin into the air and caught it on the back of his hand.

  “Heads.”

  The umpire revealed the coin, “Heads it is.”

  “We’ll push back,” Lex said snatching the ball from the umpire’s pocket.

  “Which end do you want to play from?” the umpire said to Tony.

  “This end is fine.” Tony turned and signalled to his team and they took their positions.

  The noise from the crowd lowered to a murmur as Lex dropped the ball to her feet and readied herself. The umpire then raised the whistle to his lips and blew. The piercing sound filled the air but was immediately drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

  Lezzy Lex whipped the ball across to her attacker and partner in crime Carol, who took control of it masterfully and made her way across the centre line into the home team’s side of the pitch. Tony marked Lex as she too entered his side of the field.

  Uwe glided forward and intercepted Carol, but she quickly passed the ball to her left and it was collected by her team mate, Daphne, who skilfully weaved it past Bruce and into her opponent’s ‘D’. She swung, took aim and smacked the ball towards the goal. Hugh jumped into the line of fire and the ball ricocheted off his leg pads. But before he had time to react Lex dashed forward and flicked the stray ball off the floor and into the back of the net.

  Tony’s face fell as the umpire blew the whistle to signify that they were one-nil down.

  Lex, Carol, Daphne and the girls made their way back up the pitch back towards their side, to the accompaniment of boos from the home team supporters and cheers from their supporters.

  Hugh picked up the ball from the back of the net and threw it to Tony. Tony made his way back to the centre of the pitch and faced Lezzy Lex once again.

  “That’s how you do it,” she said smug
ly. “Shall I show you one more time, just in case you didn’t catch it?”

  Tony ignored her and waited for the whistle to sound. He gripped his stick firmly and gritted his teeth. The whistle blew and he shoved the ball into Uwe’s direction, then ran straight past Lex. Uwe took the ball and instantly thwacked it behind Lex. Tony scooped up the ball and made a dash towards the away team’s ‘D’.

  Keenan, Uwe and Bruce sprinted, in formation, into their attacker’s half, whilst Paul and the other defenders took their positions across the centre line in preparation for an attack.

  Lex chased after Tony, but just as she reached him he passed the ball to Uwe. Carol made an attempt to tackle him, but he knocked the ball to Bruce with complete precision and out of her reach.

  Bruce and Keenan passed the ball back and forth between themselves and evaded capture for several metres, before Daphne successfully hooked the ball away from Bruce and sent it spinning down the pitch. Uwe and Kath both ran for the ball, but Uwe was slightly faster and swept the ball back towards the goal. He took aim and fired and a cheer went up as the ball hit the back board. Uwe sneered at Lex and her team, whilst he made his way back into the home team’s half.

  They took their positions yet again and waited for the umpire to blow the whistle again.

  Tony bent forward and rocked from left to right, gripping his hockey stick firmly. “One-all. I guess we’re evenly matched,” he said, the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

  “We’ll see,” Lex snapped, spinning her hockey stick in her hands. “We’ll see.”

  The half time whistle blew and both teams stopped play. Dripping in sweat, they made their way into their respective sides, gasping for water.

  “Well done, guys! Oh, I’m so proud,” Ben said clapping his hands. “It’s three-all. I reckon that you can really do this.” He started to hand out bottles of water to them, “Quick drink up. Refresh yourselves.” He reached into his bag and took out some energy bars, “Here! Get these down you too.”

  Tony wiped the sweat from his face and tried to find his breath. “We’re so equally matched, this is anyone’s game. I need you to prepare the secret weapon.”

  Ben nodded to show that he understood.

  “But don’t do anything until you get the signal from me.”

  After making his substitution decisions, their five minute interval was over, and the whistle signified that they should change ends. The two teams made their way across the pitch and exchanged scowls as they swapped ends. Each team was as rosy faced and out of breath as the other, but they still found the energy to try and intimidate each other.

  Tony stepped forward and looked once more into the dark, soulless eyes of Lezzy Lex. She stared, unblinking, back at him as her chest rose and fell. From their peripheral vision, they both sensed the movement of the home team umpire lifting his whistle to his lips. Time seemed to slow down as the shrill whistle sounded, signifying that the second half of the battle had commenced.

  Tony belted the ball diagonally across to Keenan before racing into the centre of the pitch and then into enemy territory. Uwe and Bruce immediately ran in opposing directions towards the corners of the pitch as Keenan followed Tony.

  Suddenly, Joan pounced on Keenan like a tramp on chips and they battled for possession of the ball. They battled against one another as the sweat poured off them. The umpires watched them carefully for any foul moves from a safe distance. Then suddenly, Keenan twisted to his right dragging the ball in a wide circle with his hockey stick away from Joan. He looked up to see Tony just a few yards in front of him and quickly passed it out of the danger zone.

  Lezzy Lex saw that Keenan was about to pass the ball and ran over to Tony and started to mark him aggressively. Tony used every trick he knew in order to retain possession whilst he waited for reinforcements to arrive.

  Uwe and Bruce ran from their corners towards Tony calling for the ball as they ran. Tony lurched from left to right, waiting for his moment of opportunity as he kept Lezzy Lex at bay. But then Carol started to attack from the front, realising he had to do something drastic he spread his legs apart and walloped the ball with all his might backwards.

  The manoeuvre took Lex by surprise, and she watched the ball glide straight past her. Bruce collected the ball and charged toward the goal, pushing with every ounce of energy that he had left in him. As he neared the goal he puffed and panted and passed the ball to Uwe who finished the job by sending it careening once more into the back of the net.

  The sound of cheers and groans was deafening as Uwe strutted back towards the home team’s half.

  “We’re in the lead. Four-three,” Tony said, slapping Uwe on the back. “If we can just keep them from scoring it’s in the bag.”

  With a face like thunder, Lezzy Lex ran over to Carol, she grabbed her shoulder and ordered, “It’s time to make some substitutions. Get rid of Daphne and Joan and fetch Vikki and Lynne.

  Carol nodded and informed the two girls that they’d been substituted. “Vikki, Lynne. You’re on!”

  From the sidelines two girls, dressed in black coats that came all the way down to their knees, nodded and stood up. The girls looked incongruous next to their other team members. Their long, silky, carefully styled hair was in stark contrast to the short unkempt hair of the other girls on the team. They struggled to unbutton their long coats, due to their long and beautifully painted nails. A couple of the other girls began to help them to disrobe.

  “Oh, shit, we’re in trouble now!” Keenan gasped fearfully, staring at the two girls.

  Uwe looked confused, “What’s the problem? I don’t get it.”

  Keenan did not respond, but continued to gawp.

  Uwe grumbled to himself and prodded Keenan, “Don’t ignore me. What’s the problem? These two don’t look as athletic as the rest of the team, why are they a threat?”

  Keenan broke off his gaze and rubbed his eyes, he took a few steps backwards in a panic. He grabbed the front of Uwe’s shirt and twisted the material in his clenched fist. “We have to protect Tony!” He turned and ran.

  Finally, the buttons were undone and the two girls stepped out of their coats to reveal two gloriously tanned bodies that were barely covered by their skimpy hockey kits.

  And then the penny dropped, Uwe’s face changed from one of confusion to one of fear. “Ach Scheisse, lipstick lesbians!” He stumbled backwards unsteadily too, the reality dawning upon him. He turned and ran after Keenan, “Tony, don’t look at their substitutions.”

  On hearing this Tony turned around, his interest piqued, “What’s up? Did they bring on Medusa or something? Why shouldn’t I look at them?”

  Keenan threw himself into Tony’s line of sight, “Please, Tony. Don’t look at the substitutions.”

  Tony scowled. “What the fuck has gotten into you lot?” He pushed Keenan aside and looked across at the two girls as they wandered onto the pitch. His jaw dropped open, “H-o-l-y f-u-c-k!” he whispered slowly. His body chemistry reacted immediately; his adrenal glands and testicles fired up their machinery and the testosterone began to flood into Tony’s blood stream. “Phwoarrrr! Get a load of that,” he bellowed salaciously rubbing his hands together furiously; drooling as the two girls walked to the centre of the pitch.

  Carol ran over to them and handed them two flesh coloured hockey sticks, silently they took them and gripped them firmly in their hands. They both looked up and made eye contact with Tony. Vikki winked at Tony and gave him a delicate wave with her hand. Tony lifted his hand weakly and waved back. Then Lynne puckered her lips sensuously and ran her tongue around her mouth whilst maintaining eye contact with Tony. Tony shivered, his eyes like saucers.

  “Tony,” Keenan said. “Listen to me, they are not proper lesbians. Do you understand?”

  “Huh?” Tony replied absentmindedly, gazing back at the two gorgeous girls.

  “I said, they are not proper lesbians. They’re lipstick lesbians?”

  “What do you mean?”

&nbs
p; “I’ll tell you what I mean, they’re straight. They’re not lesbians, they’re like the lesbians you see in Hollywood films or porn for straight men. None of it is real, this is a trap, Tony. Can’t you see that?”

  Tony’s gaze remained fixed on the two girls, “They look like lesbians to me.”

  “That’s what you’re supposed to think, but you’re better than that. They’re just acting. You can see through this pathetic veil of deceit, can’t you?”

  Tony ignored him and looked on, the girls giggled and blew Tony a kiss. His lip quivered nervously. The two girls walked up further towards the centre of the pitch and took their positions a few metres behind Lezzy Lex. They held hands and looked lustily into each other’s eyes.

  Keenan gripped both of Tony’s shoulders and shook him violently, “Tony!” he cried in panic.

  The umpires blew their whistle loudly, “Hey, let’s get it together. Come one, stop time wasting!”

  “I’m ready to go, let’s start play,” Lex growled back at the away side umpire.

  Behind her, Vikki held up her pink hockey stick and began to caress the shaft. Tony’s eyes bulged as he watched.

  “Are you ready?” the umpire said to Tony.

  Tony nodded, “Yes, I’m ready,” he said, his mind elsewhere, keeping his eyes fixed on the action.

  As Vikki continued to caress the shaft of her hockey stick, Lynne leaned in and gently ran her tongue around the end of the stick.

  “Okay, let’s continue!” the umpire shouted and blew his whistle to commence play.

  Lex took the ball and swept past a stupefied Tony followed by the rest of her attackers. Team Queens ran after them in a blind panic, but it was no use. Lezzy Lex led the charge and within moments the ball hit the back board.

  The away team and their supporters let out a cheer and hugged each other in celebration.

  “Four-all,” Lex cried out with glee. “Come on, girls, let’s win this!” Lex and her team-mates ran back to the centre of the pitch and took their positions again. She turned and spoke to Vikki and Lynne, “Take it to the next level, girls.”