Life, Love, and Other Inequalities

by Argentina Ryder

  “Oh, Matt,” Sabrina sighed. “What- when was this?”

  “Last night.” Matt took his phone back and set it on the table. “Valentine’s dance at school.”

  She reached out and stroked his arm. “He really likes you. Anyone with eyes can see that.”

  “Maybe. Doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “Doesn’t it?” she asked. “This isn’t-”

  “Don’t tell me it’s not a big deal. What is my boss going to say? What are the coaches going to say? What about the parents of my students?” he asked, his voice rising.

  Sabrina glared back at him. “They’re going to be thrilled that you finally found someone to love, you prickly bastard.” They stared at each other some more until she smiled, reaching over and hugging him. “I’m sorry, big brother. You know I just want you to be happy.”

  “Yeah.” Matt nodded. For all they grumbled, Matt knew his sister loved him. “Maybe one of these days. But now… now’s not a good time.”

  “Hey, Rosa.”

  “Hi Matt.” The principal’s secretary glanced up at him and smiled. “How’re you doing today?” she asked, tilting her head up as she studied at him from behind her computer.

  “Not too bad. Is he in there?” Matt pointed at Curt’s closed door and rocked on the balls of his feet.

  “Pretty sure, go on over and check.”

  Matt tried to tell himself that the sympathetic look she gave him was coincidental, that everybody at the school wasn’t chatting about him and Sawyer. The dance had been Friday night, and while none of the kids he’d taught all day had mentioned anything directly to him, he saw it in their faces. Or was he imagining it? Matt erred on the side of caution. Or paranoia, that’s what Cora had called it. “Hey,” he said, knocking on the principal’s door, his stomach in knots. “You asked to see me?”

  “Yeah, come on in, Matt.” Curtis didn’t stand, but pointed to the chair in front of his desk. Matt, overcome by a strong sense of déjà vu, sat and took a deep breath. “How have you been doing today?”

  “I’m okay.” Matt made a little face, as if he really didn’t mean that. “Feel a little like I’m jumping at shadows.”

  Curtis nodded. “Nothing worse than being the object of office gossip. Anyone making you feel uncomfortable about what took place? Asking you a lot of questions about it?”

  Matt shook his head. “No, no one’s mentioned it. At least, not here at work. I’ve talked about it with a couple friends this weekend.” Matt folded his hands in front of him. “I need to apologize. Um, that shouldn’t have happened, not at school, and not anywhere where someone could record a video. I profoundly regret it and will take whatever steps needed to make it right.”

  “Matt.” Curtis leaned forward on his desk. “First, I need you to understand that I’d be having this discussion if this were a… heterosexual couple. None of this-” he pointed between the two of them, “we’re not meeting here because you’re gay. I’m aware what kind of man you are, how strong that sense of propriety runs in you. This was embarrassing for you and I’m sorry. Rebecca spoke with the girl who recorded the video this morning. She says that it was not her intention to embarrass you, they just thought it was ‘a cute moment,’ I guess,” he said, glancing over at a handwritten statement on his desk; Matt presumed it was the student in question. “We’ve asked her to remove the video and Ms. Hogan called her parents earlier today and let them know we communicated with their daughter and what it was about.”

  Matt felt all the air leave his lungs. The girl was in his second period class. “I wish you hadn’t-”

  “Again, Matt,” Curtis said. “If they’d uploaded a recording of any of my teachers, we’d be talking to the student and calling home. They’re not allowed to do that, no matter how innocent their intentions.” He paused for a moment. “Do you have any questions?”

  “Do I need to do anything? Sign anything?” Matt looked around for some sort of reprimand slip, some official documentation that they’d spoken to him.

  “Dammit, Matt. Am I allowed to kiss my wife in front of the school?” Curtis asked with more than a hint of exasperation in his tone.

  Matt looked him straight in the eye. “You’re not gay”

  “And you’re not in trouble.” Curtis looked at him sympathetically. “Having said that, I’d avoid situations that might leave you vulnerable to this sort of scrutiny, gay, straight, or otherwise.”

  “That’s not a problem.” Matt stood, taking a deep breath. “There won’t be anything like that happening ever again.”

  March

  Missing Sawyer wasn’t something on Matt’s endless list of things to do and yet here he was, laying in bed wasting time wondering about his ex-boyfriend. But he needed to get up, so he swung his legs over the side of his bed and sat there another moment. He’d never understood the term ‘heartache’ before, but now he sat up, rubbing his chest as if it would make the physical ache in his body stop.

  It didn’t.

  Keeping busy helped, except for laying in bed at night, missing those long arms around him, tangling their feet together. Mornings were hard too, those fuzzy moments before he woke up, before he remembered they didn’t love each other anymore.

  “Hey Grandma, sorry to call so late. The track meet ran long. No, we didn’t win this time, but the girls did fantastic though.” He paused as sat on the edge of his bed and pulled off his boots, listening to her talk. “Well, that’s crazy. It’s been years since he put a bull in with the cows.” Matt ran a hand over his face. “Calves are so much work, Grandma. Yes, sorry, I know you know. Um, let me talk to him next time I come down. No, I won’t be there for Spring Break. You remember I told you about starting a Robotics Club at my school? Yeah, it’s been going great. Anyway, they’re a big Robotics Club competition in San Antonio over Spring Break and I’m taking some of my kids. No, just a couple days, drive up and back. But maybe I can head out to the ranch that weekend.” He took a deep breath and lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Let me see how much homework I can get done before- no, no, it’s fine.” Pausing, he reached over and grabbed his laptop from next to his bed, opening it and turning it on. “I love you too. Tell them I said hello and I’ll see everyone soon.”

  After hanging up with his grandmother, Matt opened up a browser and found Sawyer’s You Tube channel. He hadn’t watched any of them since they broke up, but Cora mentioned to him that the latest video was up, and it featured Elena teaching Sawyer how to make tortillas. Matt clicked the link, unable to keep the smile off his face as he watched them cooking together in that familiar kitchen. Her grandmother looked so small next to him, but they both laughed as they rolled out the dough and then tasted their tortillas, warm with butter. Scrolling down, he saw his name in the notes below the video. Much love and thanks to Elena and Hector Navarro, Sabrina Ruiz, and Matt Ruiz at the Rancho Rio Riendo for their hospitality and friendship.

  Well. That didn’t hurt.

  They held the state robotics competition in San Antonio that year, close enough that they could drive into the city every morning of the competition and still be home before it got dark. For two days, Matt carpooled with his students and their parents up to the big convention center where they watched students from across the state compete against each other with robots they designed and built. They saw robots of all sizes carrying out all sorts of tasks and competing for prizes, and Matt and his students left each day with equipment and ideas for projects they wanted to try with their own club the following next year.

  Each day, he passed Sawyer’s RV park as they left town and then returned. Sometimes the truck was there. Sometimes it wasn’t.

  All Matt could think about was sharing this with Sawyer. It had been Sawyer’s idea and twice he almost picked up his phone to tell Sawyer how much the kids loved it when it hit him again, like a hammer. It was over. They were over.

  After spring break, the year picked up speed. Track and field wasn’t his favorite sport, but it k
ept him busy after school, the track meets taking up a lot of his time on weekends. He saw Sawyer less and less at school, guessing that he was only substituting once every couple weeks. When they saw each other, they didn’t speak.

  The days ran into each other, one after the other, and despite the bluebonnets and other bright spring flowers popping up along the highways, Matt’s world was colorless, and no matter how busy he kept himself, it all felt empty.

  It was a sunny spring afternoon when Matt pulled into his driveway, noticing Cora’s small Ford Focus parked in front of his house. She sat on his doorstep, playing a game on her phone. “Hey stranger.” She stood, sizing him up. “Can we talk?”

  As if he had a choice. Matt nodded, then opened the door. “Want something to drink?”

  “Whatever you’ve got.” They sat at the kitchen table with a couple bottles of lemonade. “First, I’m sorry for invading your space like this, but you’ve been avoiding me for weeks now and I wanted to talk to you about what happened.”

  Fuck. Matt shook his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I didn’t get into trouble, and now I just want to forget it.”

  “I’m not talking about the dance.” Cora tapped a finger on the table. “I mean, what happened with the relationship. You and Sawyer. You know he misses you.”

  “He's doing fine without me.” Matt had watched Sawyer’s latest video, this one from a Houston soul food restaurant, a mystery person holding the camera as he described the food. “This was never supposed to be forever, Cora. It was always going to end when he moved on.” He took a sip from his drink. “People move on. That's what they do.”

  Cora blinked, her eyes narrowing. “Is that what this is about?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Matt, are you talking about Sawyer leaving you, or are you speaking about someone else?”

  He stiffened in his chair. “Wow, didn't realize you were a psychoanalyst now,” he said, his tone chillier than before.

  Cora ignored the change in his demeanor. “I'm a teacher, so of course I'm a psychoanalyst. Had you even made that connection yet, that you don't let people get close to you because of what happened to you as a child? It makes perfect sense. I mean, Matt, honey, you still haven't even left home. It's like some prolonged adolescence, worried that you're doing to be abandoned again.”

  “Stop.” He gripped his bottle. This was getting very personal. “Please.” Cora didn’t speak. They sat in silence for a minute while Matt processed her words. After a minute, Matt sighed. “Sabrina says I have a fear of failure. I have to be the best.”

  “It’s possible. She would know.” Cora looked down at her phone. “But we’ll have to discuss that at the next appointment. I’m afraid your time is up for today.” They both chuckled, and she leaned over and hugged him. "I miss seeing your face at lunch every day."

  “Me too.”

  April

  Matt’s thirtieth birthday fell on a Wednesday, and the lunch bunch brought him a cake to celebrate. Deanna beat him to school that morning and decorated his door with streamers and a sign that read ‘Happy birthday!’ All day long Matt’s students asked him how old he was now, and all day he told them the answer.

  As the day wore on, he became less amused by their horror at how ancient he was, as if they expected him to fall over any moment.

  Even worse, Matt kept checking his phone. He didn’t want to admit he’d hoped that Sawyer would call or text. It should’ve been a good day, and yet, he went to bed that evening disappointed with no idea how he was going to fix this.

  Easter snuck up on Matt, and before he knew it, the three-day holiday was upon him. “Okay class, remember that we don’t have school tomorrow.” He stood in front of his last period of the day. “So that means you have an extra day to finish your homework.”

  “But I’m gonna be busy on Sunday,” Orlando, one of his class clowns, announced.

  Matt was in a good mood, so he played along. “Do you have plans with the Easter bunny?”

  “Hell yeah, my grandma still hides eggs for me. Then we hit a piñata.” He smiled, looking around at his classmates. “Last year I got ten dollars and a bag of chocolate.”

  The class laughed, and as the bell rang, Matt dismissed them, shaking his head and heading back to his desk. “Be safe and have a great weekend.”

  “You doing anything, Mr. Ruiz?” Orlando asked as he walked by.

  “Yeah, I’m going to see my grandparents as well.”

  Orlando smiled. “Your grandma still hides eggs for you too?”

  “She might.” Matt grinned at his student. “Have fun.”

  Matt packed what he needed for the weekend and headed to the ranch, arriving just as the sun was going down. “Need any help?” he asked, spotting his grandfather and Sabrina leaving the barn.

  “We’re good.” Sabrina danced around the dogs, who ran straight for Matt. He greeted them, then joined the others as they walked into the house. “How are you doing?”

  “I’ve got a paper to finish, then I’ll be done for the weekend.” Truth be told, he hadn’t even started it yet. This week had been hard for Matt to concentrate on his studies. Every night when he got home, he sat in front of his computer and found a hundred other things to look at. For the first time since he’d started his classes, he wasn’t earning full points for his assignments and his grades dropped.

  Sabrina offered to take Elena to the grocery store on Saturday morning, so Matt joined his grandfather and helped feed the cows. He tossed some bags of cow supplemental pellets onto the back of his truck and climbed into the driver’s seat.

  They headed toward the far pasture in silence. “What’s wrong, Mijo?” Hector asked, when a few minutes went by with no conversation.

  Matt looked up and shook his head. “Just feeling a little low, Grandpa. It’s been a rough month.”

  “Got kicked in the cojones?”

  Matt snorted at that. “Yeah. I don’t know, maybe I did it to myself.” He thought about what Cora and Sabrina had told him. “Do you think I have a fear of failure?”

  Hector didn’t speak for a moment, and when he did, it surprised Matt. “Yes, Mijo. You’ve always concerned yourself too much with what other people think. Always too worried.”

  “But everyone is like that.”

  “To some extent,” Hector agreed. “At a certain point, most either stop caring or learn to hide it better. You have that worry right there on the surface.”

  Well, fuck. Matt took a deep breath. “Why am I like this?”

  Hector pulled up into the pasture and turned off the engine. It was a minute before he spoke. “I used to think it had to do with your mother leaving. Sabrina, she was still so young, she never knew your mom, not really.” He looked over at Matt, his eyes dark and sad. “But you remember her, when we all lived together.” Matt realized at some point that his grandfather wasn’t speaking to his grandson. No, now this was Hector talking to Mateo, man to man. “Elizabeth was never the same after your father went away. She loved you and your sister, but her head…” Hector touched his own forehead with one finger. “She let it get to her up here, and that’s all that mattered to her. Being left behind, being abandoned.” He snorted. “And then she did the same thing to you two. It was shameful and I’ll never forgive her for that.”

  “I’m sorry about all of that.”

  “None of that was your fault,” Hector said, anger in his voice. “Never apologize for her. She knew what she did, and that’s why she’s too ashamed to come crawling back now. And David, your father, never a word to see how his children turned out.” Hector’s eyes flashed with anger, a side to him that Matt rarely saw. “So yes, Mateo, you always needed to be the best, the smartest, the hardest working. I used to think that maybe you tried so hard because she left you, or you wanted your grandma and me to be even more proud of you than we were.

  Matt’s hands gripped the wheel. “And now?”

  “Mateo, do you know why you make us so proud? It’s
not because of your job or your college classes, or your plans for the future. It’s because when I asked you to help me this morning, you didn’t blink an eye. You didn’t ask what it was, you just got up and got ready to help me. You have a loving heart and you’re the best son a man could’ve asked for.”

  Matt blinked fast, feeling his eyes moisten. “Thanks, Grandpa.”

  “De nada, Mateo. But don’t live your life alone. All your fancy plans mean nothing if you can’t share your successes with someone.” He stepped out of the vehicle as the cows all wandered toward them, knowing food was close by. “And when you mess up, admit your mistakes. There’s no shame in failing. That’s how we learn, when we mess it up. But say you are sorry.” He looked over at the ranch and smiled. “I almost lost your grandma once, when I was young and dumb, because of my pride. If you’re wrong, fix it. No one else will.”

  They dropped some of the cow feed on the ground. Hector walked over to each animal and checked on each one, looking into their faces before they headed back. “Now, tell me how your track team is doing,” Hector asked as they drove to the barn.

  Sawyer had posted two new videos, one from Driftwood with at a famous barbecue place, and another from Port Aransas, where he did some fishing and cooked it right on the beach. Sawyer couldn’t tell who was operating the camera, and he spent a sleepless night wondering about that mystery person.

  “So look at number seven.” Matt pointed at his notes projected on the whiteboard. “A function can have one one output for each input. One Y value for each X value.” Silence. “So if I’m answering number seven, which one of these tables shows a function?” He walked over to the projector and replaced his notes with the problem, displaying three input/output tables.