The Blueprint

by Jeannette Barron

  "Yes."

  At five minutes to four, Lily entered the waiting room, gave a quick wave to her friends, and spoke with the stone-faced receptionist. After filling out some forms at the desk, Lily was invited inside. Turning to Kim and Jimmy, she announced, "They're ready for us."

  Jimmy sprang from his seat and bounded for the door. He stood by the nurse, grinning and shuffling his feet, waiting for Lily to enter first. Kim remained seated.

  Lily waved her toward them, but Kim faked another smile and shooed them on. "You two go. I'll wait."

  Lily walked over and took her roommate's hand, urging her to stand. "I want you to come. And I already asked. The nurse said it was okay."

  Kim wanted to be in that room to witness the sonogram more than anything, but was uncertain of her place when it came to parental firsts, so she'd kept that longing to herself. She looked to Jimmy, whose expression seemed to grow even brighter with the possibility of her being there too. She whispered a thank you as her inner voice cheered.

  Lily reclined on the table and exposed her firm, rounded abdomen as instructed by the technician. The room was tiny with only one additional chair, and Kim sat on Jimmy's lap, facing the equally tiny monitor. The tech shot glances back and forth at the threesome, attempting to covertly determine their story while she prepared Lily and the equipment. Kim spied her speculative looks and telepathically told her it's none of your business, a message the woman had no trouble deciphering.

  Black and white shadows swirled across the screen as the tech glided the ultrasound transducer through the cold jelly smeared across Lily's belly like jam on a ripe melon. Pausing over a blurry body part, she'd wait until everyone acknowledged that the colorless waves resembled something familiar. Kim bounced from Jimmy's knee with each discovery, forcing him to wrestle her from side to side so he could see too. Lily nodded or gave an empty "yes" to encourage the tech to move forward with the exam. Once it was confirmed that the baby appeared healthy, the tech asked no one in particular, "Would you like to know the baby's sex?"

  By the blank look on her roommate's face and the tension she could feel emanating from Jimmy's body, Kim realized that this was one of many subjects the biological parents had failed to discuss. She pinched Jimmy's thigh hard through his jeans until he broke the silence and sputtered, "I'd like to know. How about you, Lily?"

  "Um...what do you think, Kim?"

  Again, Kim found herself uncertain of her place. Was Lily so overwhelmed she couldn't make these decisions for herself or was it just as simple as wanting to know her best friend's opinion? Lily's vulnerability seemed to escalate with her advancing pregnancy and Kim couldn't help but wonder if there was real reason for concern. In her mind this was an easy decision, especially compared to all the others that had yet to be discussed regarding visitation and child support. She couldn't help but wonder why it was so difficult for these two people who dated for almost a year to communicate with each other. But this wasn't the time to worry about the future negotiations she knew she was destined to help navigate.

  Kim pushed her uneasy thoughts aside and rebounded with a playful smile and a generic answer. "I think...it would make it easier to shop if we knew the sex. Don't you?"

  Everyone looked to Lily for confirmation. Her response was flat. "Okay, tell us. Is it a boy or a girl?"

  "Congratulations, you're having a girl," announced the tech, who then scrambled for the door with the pregnant patient close behind, making room for the petite blond visitor to dance and clap in celebration.

  Kim flopped down on the couch next to her roommate armed with both a Sears and JCPenney catalog. Lily recognized instantly what this conference was about, wrapped her blanket more tightly around herself, and scooted away.

  "You've put this off long enough," Kim began. "Don't even try running. With that waddle of yours you won't be too hard to catch." Lily shot her a hurt look. Kim ignored it and continued. "I've already done half the work for you. I met with the only baby expert I know, Janie, and she helped me make a list of some of the stuff you'll need." Kim unfolded a piece of notebook paper covered in writing from front to back. "Don't bother looking at the price tag on the big stuff. Janie said that since her mom has forbidden the family from throwing a shower they've all gotten together and decided that they'd send the baby gifts as Christmas presents instead." She shrugged, "Grace won't like it, but she won't know about it until it's too late."

  Kim flipped one of the huge catalogs open to the earmarked pages at the back. She smoothed the paper and said, "All right. Let's start with strollers. Janie said that a friend of hers has this blue one and loves it. She mentioned something about it being lightweight and easy to clean. But she said this one might be good too, because it's easy to fold down." She looked to Lily for an opinion and got none. Kim sighed but otherwise tried not to show her frustration. Lily was eight months pregnant and had done nothing to prepare for her baby's imminent arrival. Where in contrast, Jimmy's house had been ready to welcome his daughter home weeks ago.

  Countless times they'd invited Lily to go shopping with them, but she always declined, choosing to sulk on the couch with a book instead. They went anyway; Kim and Jimmy spending hours happily shopping for baby gear all the while expounding on why this or that toy, shirt, bottle, etc., was perfect. They didn't let their lack of knowledge of all things infant-related stifle their excitement, either, Kim never passing up the opportunity to add to the massive pink wardrobe she was compiling, and Jimmy bringing home one of each plush creature he came across for his growing private zoo. And Janie had recently finished painting a flower garden mural in the nursery at Jimmy's house. All that was missing was the baby.

  Kim decided to backtrack and coax her roommate into action with the most obvious item first. She grabbed the other catalog and heaved it onto her lap. "You need a crib. This store has lots to choose from." She found the pages with cribs and transferred the book to Lily's lap. Lily didn't move. Kim couldn't hide her irritation any longer. "Dammit, Lily. If you can't show any excitement about your baby's existence, then the least you can do is provide her with what she'll need."

  Lily's head popped up and she glared at her roommate. In a steady, lifeless tone, she replied, "She needs a mother... a family. And I am nothing more than an incubator. Choose any bed you like. It won't change anything."

  Kim was shaken by the matter-of-fact message in Lily's rebuttal. No longer did she hear the usual sadness or fear in her roommate's voice, but absolute acceptance. "No, Lily. You get to make a choice here. Don't give up before you've even tried."

  Lily grabbed the catalog and slammed it shut. "I've tried before to be something that I'm not and the knowledge of that failure haunts me every day. If...when I fail this baby, it will be different because I will know what I've done, because it was done to me. This indifference you think you see in me is not indifference at all. This baby will have what she needs. I just haven't figured out how to get it for her yet."

  Kim didn't know how to respond. She stuttered, "I'm... sorry." But she didn't know what she was sorry about. She stumbled on, "Jimmy's house is ready. You should come see it." But she didn't know if that was such a good idea. "I...I'm worried about you. Jimmy's worried about you. When you first found out that you were pregnant you asked me to help. I don't know what to do for you. Tell me, how can I help?"

  Lily hefted her heavy body off the couch, carefully placing the catalogs in the spot her absence provided, and faced her roommate. "I'm beyond help, but the baby isn't." She gave a weak smile at her attempt at a joke and stroked her abdomen protectively. The very gesture Kim had seen Lily perform a thousand times, the very gesture which made her believe more than ever that the first part of her statement was a lie.

  Kim couldn't stand doing nothing any longer. She didn't understand what this thing was that Lily needed to figure out, and her brain hurt from trying to imagine what it could be. She chose to tackle what she did know: there was a baby on the way and nothing to show for it other than
a very pregnant woman. She couldn't control her roommate's attitude or behavior, but she could control whether or not this baby had the necessities. Over the Christmas holiday, she'd decided to fabricate a nursery. It would be nothing like the beautiful cozy room Jimmy had painstakingly put together and continued to tweak each day, but something was better than nothing.

  Initially, she tried to include Lily in the planning, but soon gave up when her roommate failed to even bother lowering the novel she was reading to acknowledge her existence. Kim snapped, "Fine. But just so there's full disclosure. I'm setting up the space in your room, because you're her mother. And I'm going to be rearranging your shit to make room for your baby's shit. Got it!"

  No reply.

  Kim stomped to Lily's room and let her frustration with her roommate fuel her work. First, she none too gracefully slid the bed into a corner against the wall, opening up more floor space. The bassinette that Jimmy was borrowing from his sister would fit nicely against the wall that once held Lily's large collection of books; the mystery of her library's disappearance remained unsolved. A new, much smaller collection had sprung up in the same place, which Kim was able to relocate next to the dresser in only two trips. Her roommate wasn't big into fashion and her meager wardrobe left plenty of space for the more substantial one Kim was creating for the baby. Just about the time Kim had hung up the last frilly infant dress with matching tights, she heard the roar of Jimmy's truck in the driveway. She hurried through the house, past her lethargic roommate, to greet Jimmy outside.

  It was cold enough to see one's breath, but as usual Jimmy wore only his Levi jacket. Kim loved that everything about him, his truck, his clothes, his speech, his touch, made her feel comfortable and relaxed like that old denim jacket. He was a low maintenance, no fuss kind of guy that leveled her spinning top personality, except where Lily and the baby were concerned; then it was Kim's turn to play the role of calm and cool. Although she'd known this baby situation would take its toll on her relationship with Jimmy, she could never have predicted to what extent. Tempering Jimmy's growing anger in response to Lily's continued apathy was causing a lot of tension between them. It was becoming harder and harder to encourage Jimmy to be patient when she herself was losing patience with her roommate. Last night, they'd celebrated a traditional Christmas with his family. Then later, when alone at his house, they'd agreed to keep the conversation light and avoid toxic topics. With the due date only weeks away now, time with the easy-going Jimmy she loved was rare. She wondered if the pending due date would mark the eruption of his temper as much as the arrival of a baby.

  Kim pushed her worries away and gave Jimmy a playful pat on his backside, remembering the wrestling match that ensued the night before and how he had let her win so she'd be on top. With the memory still fresh, the winter chill didn't seem too bad. "Hey, sweetie pie, what do you got there?" she chirped.

  Jimmy grunted his reply while heaving a bassinette filled with bags from the back of his truck and carefully placing it on the carport. He then retrieved unopened packages wrapped in Christmas paper, the baby gifts his extended family had purchased against his mother's will. Once the truck was empty, he picked Kim up, hugged her tight, and nuzzled her neck. "Missed you," he whispered in her ear.

  Kim wrapped her legs around his waist. "I missed you, too." She tilted her neck to one side, allowing more access. "Merry day after Christmas."

  "Right back at you." He stopped kissing her neck and sniffed. "Hey, you don't smell like fruitcake anymore."

  Kim chuckled and made him put her down. "As nice as last night was, that whole fruitcake thing was weird."

  "Well, no point in letting it go to waste. It was either usin' it for that or as spackle," he laughed.

  "Spackle, then. I've never been a big fruitcake fan...even after last night." She went up on her toes and kissed him lightly, then turned her attention to the unexpected bags nestled inside the bassinette.

  "How do you feel about mashed potatoes?"

  "Enough already!" she yelled and gave him a quick elbow in the ribs. He rewarded her effort with an exaggerated gasp. "What's all this stuff?" she asked.

  "Old toys and some of Sara's baby clothes."

  Kim retrieved a pink rattle and a stuffed white bear from the bag. "Are you sure Janie doesn't want it for Scotty?"

  "Scotty's all boy. If it doesn't have wheels or doesn't bounce, he doesn't want it. She said we could keep it all. Apparently, three kids is her limit."

  Kim hugged the bear she was holding and turned to him. "And you, what's your limit?" she asked shyly.

  He lifted her chin and kissed her button nose. "As far as I'm concerned, my love, there's no limit to how many times we can try," he said, gifting her with a lecherous grin.

  She rolled her eyes. "You're a pig. Did you know that? A rutting pig."

  "Oink. Oink," he snorted and winked.

  Kim groaned, grabbed a bag of toys, and headed inside.

  First, Jimmy brought in the gifts and left them in the family room for Lily to unwrap, giving her a quick greeting which she didn't return. Arms full with the last of the burden, he followed Kim's trail to Lily's room. He’d watched as his future wife unpacked the used items, hanging the smallest clothes and arranging the plush toys in a tower. He'd observed her do this a hundred times in the nursery at his house, always arranging and rearranging what they'd collected. It touched him deeply that Kim anticipated the birth of this baby as much as he did. The ring he planned on presenting her was his grandmother's and although he knew it was best to delay their engagement until after the excitement of the baby had settled, it was agonizing to wait for yet another piece of his life to come home with him.

  As Kim fussed over each detail, he listened for the sound of ripping paper from the presents he'd brought or Lily's slow shuffle to make her way down the hall. His temper sparked as only silence echoed from the other end of the house. In a hard whisper, he said, "What is wrong with her? I thought mothers-to-be loved this shit!"

  Kim had run out of excuses for Lily and although she agreed with Jimmy, she didn't think it would be good for anyone if there was a showdown. She stopped folding the onesies on her lap and sighed. "Jimmy, I don't know. But, I think she's getting worse."

  "It's one thing to ignore the baby when she's safe and sound on the inside, but what about after she's born? I can't stand by while she neglects her---my baby." His fists clenched. "I can't believe I'm saying this. But my mother was right. And I've waited too long as it is."

  Kim searched his hardened expression for an explanation. "What are you talking about?"

  "I need to protect my daughter. What if Lily never comes around? What if she never snaps out of it? I'm callin' my lawyer first thing Monday morning."

  21

  Kim returned home to the bewildering sound of cheerful humming emerging from her roommate's room. Certainly not what she expected since today was the day Lily met with Jimmy's lawyer. Pausing in the kitchen with her ears cocked like a dog listening for intruders, she recognized the familiar melody of "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat." With anyone else this would be a good sign, a sign that her experience at the attorney's office was a positive one. But Kim couldn't conceptualize a scenario where Lily, or anyone else for that matter, would consider being bullied by a lawyer a positive experience. What she was hearing had to be the evidence of Lily's condition deteriorating from depressed to nuts as a result of the stressful confrontation. She approached the bedroom with caution, imagining the worst: her roommate curled up in fetal position, rocking back and forth, murmuring children's songs. Instead, she crossed the threshold to find Lily examining the tags on the baby clothes hanging in her closet.

  Kim cleared her throat and made an effort to erase the stunned look from her face. "What's up?"

  Lily peeked over her shoulder and smiled. Returning her attention to her project, she explained, "Some of the zero to three months clothes got mixed up with the three to six months clothes. And some of this stuff needs to be weeded
out because it's the wrong season. I put those things on the bed. Does Janie want her stuff back or can we give it to charity?"

  Kim plopped on the bed, pretending to scan the tiny garments while she studied her roommate and wondered at the miracle she was witnessing. Lily's humming began anew, filling the silence between them. "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb...." Kim gave herself another minute to suppress her overwhelming desire to get right to the point and ask, what the hell happened today? Professional judgment warned her to slow down and to stick with the topic at hand. "Janie doesn't want anything back. I guess we can give it away."

  "Is Janie not going to have any more children? She seems like a wonderful mother." She handed Kim a romper. "Here, this won't be warm enough."

  Who is this woman? "Um...Janie claims that three is plenty." More humming! "I think little Scotty still doesn't sleep through the night, and he's quite a handful. She jokes that he works better than any birth control pill." Screw the small talk. "So how did today go?"

  "I had a great day. Simon sent me home early because he witnessed the baby shift and it freaked him out." Lily laughed, a sound as foreign to Kim as the spirited pitch in her roommate's voice. "So I took a long lunch, met with Jimmy's lawyer, and then went shopping." She motioned to a new wicker basket atop her dresser. "I decided to replace some of the old sleeping gowns Janie gave us for new ones. Some of the old ones were stained. Feel this." She plucked one from the basket and handed it to Kim. "Isn't it soft? And so cute! They had one with bears, but I decided on bunnies, instead." Lily stopped her monologue and frowned.

  Uh, oh! "What? What's wrong?" Kim asked, expecting that in fact she'd only caught her roommate in between catatonic episodes.

  "I wonder how late Sears is open. I think I should get the bear gown, too." Lily checked her watch. "Maybe, I'll go back tomorrow. Hey, is Jimmy coming over tonight? It's been a long time since we all ate together. You think you could call him and ask him to pick up a pizza. My treat."