Mom In The Making

by Carla Cassidy

  “Speaking of the carnival, what time are Russ and Daniel picking you up?” Carolyn asked.

  “Ten.” Bonnie looked at the clock on the oven and jumped up in surprise. “I’d better get moving—that only gives me about twenty-five minutes to pull myself together.”

  A few minutes later she stood beneath the shower, her thoughts once again consumed with Russ. Things had been awkward between them at work since the night they had almost made love. Russ had been distant, and for the first time in her life, Bonnie hadn’t known how to act.

  She’d finally heard from Garrison, and he’d agreed to get her the check within the coming week. So she was mere days away from leaving Casey’s Corners, walking away from the friends she made and the man she loved.

  It can be no other way, she told herself as the spray from the shower washed away her shampoo. I’m not right for Russ. I’ll never be the right woman for him. She had spent her life disappointing the people closest to her. She simply couldn’t live knowing she’d disappointed Russ. Wiping at her eyes, she wasn’t sure they stung because of the shampoo or because of her thoughts.

  By the time she had dressed, she had decided to accept the day with Russ and Daniel as a gift to herself. She wouldn’t think about leaving, she wouldn’t think about how painful her heartache would be. She would simply enjoy a day spent with the man she loved...and his demon child. She smiled sadly at this thought.

  Yes, as far as she was concerned, Daniel was the child from hell. Rebellious, stubborn, defiant—funny how he reminded her of herself. He was lucky to have Russ. Russ would eventually marry a woman who would head the PTA, bake cookies for school parties, a traditional woman with traditional values. He was a briefs man, totally wrong for Bonnie.

  “Bonnie, Russ and Daniel are here,” Carolyn called from the living room.

  Bonnie stared at her reflection a final time. “Seize the day... and to hell with tomorrow,” she said to the woman in the mirror. Besides—she raised her chin defiantly – there were places to go, adventures to be had, she’d never be happy in this little one-horse town. She turned away from the mirror, before she could see the untruth of her thoughts radiating from her eyes.

  “Hi, guys,” she greeted Russ and Daniel as she walked into the living room. She tried not to notice how achingly handsome Russ looked in his tight, worn blue jeans and the neatly ironed, short-sleeved sport shirt. However, she couldn’t help but notice the scowl on Daniel’s face. “You ready to go on all the rides and eat cotton candy until you throw up?”

  “Gee, that sounds like fun,” Russ said dryly.

  Bonnie ignored him, pleased when a ghost of a smile danced at the corners of Daniel’s mouth. It was there only a moment, then gone, but still it warmed Bonnie’s heart.

  “Ah, come on, Russ. A carnival isn’t fun unless you’re a little more than half-sick by the end of the day,” she replied.

  Russ shot Carolyn a long-suffering look. “I think I’m in for a day to remember,” he declared.

  Carolyn laughed. “Beau said that if he can get a couple of hours off we might hit the carnival. Maybe we’ll see you there,” she said as she walked with them to the front door.

  “Great, the more the merrier,” Bonnie replied.

  A day to remember. Bonnie knew that was what the day would be. A day of memories for her to take with her wherever she went when she left Casey’s Corners.

  “A penny for your thoughts,” Russ said as they got into the car.

  His words pulled her from her momentary reverie, and she grinned at him. “Like I’d tell you for a mere penny,” she quipped.

  He returned her grin with one of his own. “Like they’re worth more than a penny.”

  She laughed, glad they were back to normal, the strain of the past couple of days gone. He started the car with a roar and they headed toward the field on the north side of town where the carnival had put down roots for the next two weeks.

  As he drove, they talked of inconsequential things—the approaching end of summer, the work he was doing on his house, the new family who had moved in down the street from Carolyn and Beau. Small talk that was nonthreatening; light talk that was pleasant in its lack of importance.

  When the carnival came into view, both Daniel and Bonnie sat up straighter in their seats. A wave of anticipation swept through Bonnie. She loved carnivals, and despite the neutral look on Daniel’s face, she could see his excitement shining in his eyes. “Wow, look at all the rides!” she exclaimed. “I see a Tilt-a-whirl and an octopus ride, and look, there’s one of those barrels you stand in and they whirl around, then the bottom drops out.”

  “The bottom drops out?”

  Daniel had uttered his first words since they’d picked her up.

  “Yeah, it spins so fast the centrifugal force plasters you against the wall, then the bottom falls out and you just hang there, stuck to the wall,” she explained. “It’s one of my favorites.”

  For a moment Daniel’s face reflected awe, then he frowned. “Sounds stupid.”

  The little scamp, Bonnie thought, turning back around to face out the front window. If she needed any other support that she was absolutely wrong for Russ, she didn’t have to look any further. The kid hated her... and she wasn’t real fond of him, either.

  “Personally, the Ferris wheel is my favorite,” Russ said as he parked the car. “I love being up so high, gazing out over the countryside, seeing the people and the cars on the ground looking so small.”

  “Not me,” Bonnie declared. “I love speed, but I don’t love heights.”

  “I’d like to get out of here,” Daniel said impatiently from the back seat.

  Russ and Bonnie laughed. “It’s a deal, sport,” Russ said, and the three of them tumbled out of the car.

  Bonnie breathed deeply of the air rich with the smells of a carnival. The scents of warm, roasted peanuts, sweet cotton candy and hot pretzels all mingled with the fragrant summer day.

  A day of memories. As the day progressed, Bonnie clutched each and every moment to her heart to savor when she was alone in some faraway place with people who meant nothing to her. When they rode the bumper cars, she captured the sound of Russ’s devilish laughter each time he managed to collide into her car. As they enjoyed the Tilt-a-whirl, she cherished the feel of his broad shoulders, the warmth of his thigh pressed tight against hers.

  Daniel continued to remain unimpressed by everything, as if his sole purpose in life were to put a damper on the entire day, but Bonnie refused to let that happen. She was too conscious of the brief time left with Russ to allow a spoiled little boy to ruin it.

  At noon they enjoyed a lunch of hot dogs, and Bonnie insisted on completing the meal with a cotton candy, her third of the day. While they were finishing up, they spotted Beau and Carolyn, the twins in their double stroller.

  “Caro!” Bonnie waved to her sister, trying to catch her attention.

  Carolyn waved back and she and Beau beelined it over to where Bonnie, Russ and Daniel sat. “Ah, I should have known .we’d find you near the cotton candy vendor,” Carolyn teased.

  Bonnie grinned, picking the last piece of the sugary confection off the paper cone and popping it into her mouth. “It’s better than vitamins at giving me energy,” she replied.

  “Ha, don’t let her fool you,” Russ protested. “She has more energy than any ten people put together.”

  “And I’m ready to get some more,” Bonnie replied, tossing the paper cone into a nearby trash container. She laughed as Russ groaned.

  “Daniel, are you having a good time?” Carolyn asked.

  He shrugged. “It’s all right.”

  “Daniel is the master of understatement,” Bonnie explained. “He’s having a ball. I swear he almost smiled twice.”

  Daniel glowered at Bonnie, obviously not finding her amusing. Bonnie fought the desire to alternately wring his neck and hug him tight. She wasn’t sure which would do the most good.

  “Where are you all headed now?” Beau as
ked.

  “Whatever it is, I want it to be nice and calm. Unlike Bonnie, I prefer to be certain I won’t get sick,” Russ said.

  The teasing smile he cast Bonnie warmed her from the toes up.

  “We were heading toward the Ferris wheel,” Carolyn explained, and smiled coaxingly at Bonnie. “I know you don’t like to ride it. Maybe I could talk you into sitting with the twins while the rest of us do?”

  “Sure,” Bonnie instantly agreed. “I know Russ wanted to ride, but I have no desire whatsoever.”

  “Let’s go,” Russ agreed.

  When they got to the Ferris wheel, Daniel balked at the tall structure, insisting he would wait with Bonnie and the twins while his father rode.

  Within minutes, Bonnie was sitting on a bench with Daniel, the twins in their stroller, while Russ, Carolyn and Beau waited in line for their turn.

  Daniel studiously ignored Bonnie, although two times in as many minutes she saw him smile at the twins. Brent and Trent giggled and cooed at him, each vying for his attention.

  “They like you,” she observed.

  “Who cares,” he replied, pretending to ignore the boys.

  “I think you do.” She studied him thoughtfully. “You work real hard to make people not like you, don’t you? Why is that?”

  He looked at her sharply, then stared at the ground. “I’m just a bad kid, and I don’t care if people like me or not.” He raised his chin and eyed her defiantly.

  Suddenly Bonnie had a mental vision of herself at that age. She remembered the anger, the pain when she’d first realized her parents didn’t have time for her, would never have time for her.

  For years she had believed it was her fault. If only she was better behaved, didn’t cause problems, then they would love her. She worked harder at being good, and when she saw that didn’t change things, she worked hard at being bad. She looked at Daniel again, a new understanding of his attitude dawning.

  Leaning against the back of the bench, she fought the impulse to reach out and enfold Daniel in an embrace so tight it would erase all the pain he had inside. “You’re lucky,” she said.

  He peered at her curiously. “Lucky?”

  She nodded. “You have a dad who is going to love you no matter how bad you are. He loves you unconditionally. Know what that means?” He shook his head. “That means there is nothing in this world you could do that would make him stop loving you.”

  Daniel was silent for a few minutes, as if digesting this information. “He might leave me.”

  “Nope. It would never happen. He’d rather cut off both his arms than leave you.” Bonnie grinned. “And what kind of a cop would he make without his arms? He’d have to draw his gun with his toes.”

  Daniel giggled and Bonnie embraced the sound, so rare, so precious.

  He sobered. “My mom left me.” The words were barely audible.

  “Yeah, she made a really big mistake, and someday she might realize that. It’s amazing, isn’t it, that grown-ups can be mixed up and do dumb things?”

  Once more she was aware of Daniel’s stunned gaze on her, as if he’d never thought about it before. “But I’ll bet you were a good kid before your mom left,” she continued. “And I’ll bet your mom leaving really had nothing at all to do with you. Maybe she was just mixed up and someday she’ll be sorry she made such a mistake. You should just feel lucky that you have a dad who will never, ever make that kind of a mistake.”

  His brown eyes, so like Russ’s, searched her face. “Did your mom and dad love you unditionally?”

  Bonnie smiled at his mispronunciation, the smile fleeting as she shook her head. “No, Daniel, they didn’t, and that’s why I think you are a very lucky little boy.”

  Daniel nodded slowly, thoughtfully, then grinned and pointed up to where Russ, Carolyn and Beau had just peaked the Ferris wheel ride. All three of them waved, but it was Russ’s face that Bonnie focused on. As he waved down to his son and to Bonnie, she could see his wide smile.

  She fought a sudden sting of tears, remembering that in just a matter of days she would leave and probably never see him again. She would never hear his warm laughter, never taste his hot kisses once she had gone. Pain rocked through her, but she knew it was minimal compared with the one she would suffer if she stayed.

  Again she reminded herself that no matter how hard she tried, she could never be the kind of woman he deserved, the kind of woman he and Daniel needed in their lives. He was a Ferris wheel, and she was a roller coaster. He was a briefs kind of guy, and she was a boxers kind of woman.

  “And never the twain shall meet,” she muttered.

  “Huh?” Daniel looked at her.

  “Never mind.” She smiled and stood up. “Come on, let’s head over to where the Ferris wheel riders exit. They’re getting off now.”

  When twilight moved in and the carnival lights went on, decorating the darkening sky in brilliant colors, they decided to call it a day. The ride home was quiet, exhaustion replacing the need for conversation.

  Bonnie leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She could smell Russ’s cologne, the slightly spicy scent she’d come to identify as his alone. She could also smell Daniel, the boyish scent of sun-kissed hair and clean sweat. It was not unpleasant; rather, it wrapped itself around her heart and squeezed gently, reminding her of all she would leave behind.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Russ said.

  Opening her eyes, she smiled. “You didn’t think they were worth much before, so you don’t get them now.”

  Russ sighed in frustration. All day long he’d watched her, as always wondering what was going on in her crazy thoughts, and as always wondering why he cared.

  He pulled up before Carolyn and Beau’s house, reluctant to call an end to the fun, knowing his time with her was limited. But Daniel was tired and it had been a full day.

  “I’ll walk you to the door,” he said as he turned off the engine.

  “That’s not necessary,” she protested, and was out of the car before he could object. She waved gaily, then disappeared into the house.

  Russ swallowed disappointment and restarted the car. He’d wanted to walk her to the door, had hoped to steal a taste of her lips. He’d wanted to kiss her all day, but had never gotten the opportunity.

  “Dad?”

  “Yes, sport?” He pulled his thoughts away from Bonnie and focused on his son in the back seat.

  “Sometimes grown-ups do dumb things, don’t they?”

  Russ looked at his son in the rearview mirror, surprised by the question. “Sure, I guess they do.”

  “Mom was dumb to leave me, but you’ll never go away ’cause you love me unditionally, right?”

  “Right, son.” Russ’s heart squeezed in his chest. He’d been patiently waiting for Daniel to work through Anne’s abandonment, and now it seemed as if Daniel was doing just that. “No matter what you do, how bad you are, I’ll always, always love you.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Bonnie said.”

  Again Russ’s gaze went to the rearview mirror. “She did? When did she say that?”

  “When you guys were riding on the Ferris wheel.”

  Daniel was silent and Russ marveled at the fact that whatever Bonnie had said to Daniel had apparently helped the boy deal with some issues that needed to be dealt with.

  “Dad?” Daniel leaned forward as far as his seat belt would allow. “I’m sorry I’ve been sort of bad lately. I’ve been kind of mad, and kind of sad, but Bonnie said it’s not my fault Mom is mixed up.”

  “I told you that when she first left,” Russ replied.

  Daniel grinned. “I know, but you’re my dad. You’re supposed to say junk like that.” He was silent for another moment. “Bonnie told me her mom and dad didn’t love her unditionally. That’s sad, isn’t it.”

  “Yes, it is.” Russ was surprised by the peculiar pang in his heart for Bonnie.

  For a moment the two males rode in silence, each occupied with his own thoughts.

&nbs
p; “Dad?” Daniel broke the silence.

  “What, Son?”

  “I just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

  For a moment Russ’s vision blurred as his eyes filled with tears. “I love you, too, Son,” he finally managed to answer. For the first time, Russ realized he didn’t want to say goodbye to Bonnie. He was in love with her... unditionally.

  Chapter Ten

  “Bonnie! Bonnie wait up,” Russ yelled after her as she left the station for the day. He hurried to where she’d paused, her foot tapping impatiently on the sidewalk. The hot pavement shimmered in the mid-August heat. “You heading home?”

  She nodded. “I’m going to sit in front of a fan with a glass of iced tea and pretend it isn’t as hot as Hades.”

  “I heard you gave notice today.”

  “Yeah, Friday will be my last day,” she answered, pleased her voice remained unemotional, despite the lump that threatened to form in her throat. She swallowed resolutely.

  She’d received her check from Garrison the day before. Her ticket to freedom. Her means of escape. “I haven’t seen much of you at the station all week,” she observed. “Brenda Jo tells me the carnival is keeping you busy.”

  He shook his head, the sun stroking rich highlights into its thickness. “I’ve spent more time out there than I have anywhere else in the past couple of days. There’s something about the carnival atmosphere that brings out the bad side of some people.”

  She clenched her hands at her sides, fighting the desire to rake them through his hair, pull his face closer to hers and fall into the luxury of a kiss. Stop it, she commanded herself. “In another week the carnival will move on and things will get back to normal,” she replied.

  And in another week she would be gone, off to live the high life, where nobody cared too deeply and saying goodbye didn’t hurt. She’d once again embrace the shallow, meaningless life she’d lived before coming to Casey’s Corners. “Well, I’d better get home. Carolyn will be expecting me.” She turned to leave.

  “Bonnie?”

  She turned back to look at him, hoping, praying, he would think the shine in her eyes was from the brightness of the sun. “If I were to ask you to stay in Casey’s Corners, would you consider it?”