Fading Away (Hardest Mistakes #1)

by Dannielle Wicks

  I stare out into the dark trees around me. The shadows look like they’re moving on their own. Pressing closer to the tree, I squeeze my eyes closed to shut out the world. My father’s image flashes in my mind. I miss him so much. I remember the last conversation we had, the last conversation we will ever have now.

  “Son, you do whatever makes you happy in life. Choose the path you want to follow, not what your mother chooses for you.” Dad sits down beside me on my bed.

  I glance over at him, unsure. “But mom?”

  He sighs gruffly. “I’m not trying to second guess your mother, but only you can decide what you want to do with your life, no one else.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a slightly faded, crumpled picture and hands it to me. I look down at the grey photograph of my father’s younger self, smiling and wearing a pair of dirty overalls, covered in grease. He looks so happy.

  “When this photo was taken, I was living my dream of becoming a mechanic. It was your mother’s family that convinced me to buy into their travel agency. I don’t regret it, but I do miss the smell of grease and hard work.” Standing up, he hesitates briefly and then pats me on the shoulder before turning and leaving my room.

  I still have that picture, hidden in my sock drawer at my old house. I curl around myself to try and stop the shivering. A loud crunching noise to my left startles me and I jerk my head up.

  “Kai!” Sammy’s voice screams out of the darkness. Just as I’m about to stand and find her, she walks through the trees beside me and stops. “What are you doing out here, you stupid idiot?” Her face is twisted in frustration. Shaking her head, she spins around. “Come on.” She strides back through the trees the way she came. I jump up quickly and race after her.

  Sammy

  Ashlee sits beside me on the front porch. I woke up before sunrise and couldn’t get back to sleep, my thoughts too jumbled together and loud. I left Kai in my room fast asleep. I can’t even imagine why he was out in the middle of a storm. I know he’s still hurting about his family, I can see it in his sad eyes every time I look at him. He’s lost, giving up. I want to help, but I don’t know if I can.

  “So I already booked the old Black Pike Castle for your birthday party. It has a gorgeous ballroom and garden,” she announces with a huge grin, trying to pull me out of my morbid thoughts.

  I glance over at her in surprise. “Wow. Thank you, Ashlee…that sounds amazing.”

  “Thought you’d like it, you’re always watching those old medieval movies and romances.” She places her hand on my shoulder before standing up and heading back inside. I sit in the quiet early morning, watching the sun rise up above the tall trees on the horizon across the lake. Its light reflects off the water in dazzling patterns, making it glow. A noise from behind me makes me turn my head to investigate. A dark shape shuffles through the door.

  “Are you okay?” I ask as Kai lies down beside me. He doesn’t look up at me or wag his tail. I place my hand on his head and he sighs out a heavy breath.

  Kai

  Sam stands at the sink playing with her phone. The way her fingers tap across the screen, I think she’s texting. I bury my face in the bowl of cereal in front of me, I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning; I’m so hungry. Sam mutters something under her breath and pushes the phone across the counter away from her. I lick the bowl clean and sit down to watch her. She looks upset.

  Dylan walks into the kitchen and smiles at her. “Hey grumpy, didn’t get any sleep?” My nose twitches in irritation. I feel useless. I want to be the one asking her what’s wrong. She glances away from him to her phone.

  “I haven’t heard back from Riley since before we left.” She frowns and looks down at the floor.

  Dylan reaches over and touches her arm in comfort. “He’s probably just busy, or he lost his phone?”

  She shakes her head. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s all it is.” She doesn’t look convinced, but she puts on a small smile for him.

  “I’ll drive you over to your parents place after breakfast.”

  “Thanks.” She nods, grabbing his hand and squeezing it before exiting the kitchen. I stay where I am for a moment with narrowed eyes and study Dylan. When did they become so close? He looks at me and raises his eyebrow curiously. I snuff at him and then follow after Sam.

  ***

  I jump down from the backseat of Dylan’s truck as soon as Sam opens the door. I don’t like traveling, even if Dylan’s truck is really nice; it still makes me feel sick to my stomach. After he drives away, Sam turns to face her foster parents’ home. No one is out in front waiting to greet her. Didn’t they know she was coming? I follow her to the front door and wait as she knocks. Kathy answers a moment later with a cry.

  “Oh Sammy, how are you? I’ve missed you so much.” Her child toddles up behind her on unsteady feet. He’s grown quite a bit since we left. Kathy ushers Sam inside and closes the door in my face. Okay, so I’m not allowed in, fine. I turn and run down the street, not realizing where I’m going until I trot up to my parents’ house. The front lawn is overgrown and the gardens haven’t been tended in weeks. I walk around the back and push my way through the long grass to the glass door.

  Sammy

  “I kicked David out almost two months ago now.” Kathy pours me a glass of water and places a plate full of cookies in front of me on the coffee table.

  “Wow, Kathy, I had no idea.” Well, actually I did, but now she’s realized what a douche he was too.

  “Yes, well, we both know what kind of person he is. I’m just a little embarrassed I hadn’t done anything about it before now.” She smiles and her eyes sparkle with unshed tears. If I turn out to be half as strong as this woman right in front of me, I will be happy. A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly.

  “Connor has grown,” I say, trying to change the subject before she breaks down. Connor is sitting on the carpet near us playing with a toy train and some blocks. Kathy looks at him lovingly and takes a sip of her coffee.

  Kai

  For a moment I stay on my hands and knees, listening to my breathing slow and briefly contemplating giving up completely. I’m naked, so I suppose I need to get inside quickly before anyone spots me. I look around, my eyes landing on a loose paver. Picking it up, I throw it through the glass sliding door. It shatters and I dash through the glass.

  Once inside, I head up to my old room and chuck on a pair of jeans from my cupboard. I hesitate and then turn back to my dresser. Opening the top drawer, I rifle through my mismatched socks to find my dad’s picture. I pull out the old photo and run my fingers along its creased and faded edges, staring at my dad’s smiling face.

  I inhale sharply and then walk down the hallway slowly toward my mom and dad’s room. I pause with my hand on the doorknob. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve tried to push the pain to the back of my mind, but I can feel it bubbling to the surface.

  I take a deep breath and open the door haltingly. As soon as I take a step through the doorway, the scent of mom’s perfume slams into me. I close my eyes briefly in pain before walking over to the bed. I toss dad’s photo on the bed and wander around the dark room. A picture sitting on the nightstand catches my attention. I pick it up and look at it. We look so happy and carefree—we look like a family. Nothing like I remember. I’m sitting in front of them at a resort near the beach; I think I was only ten.

  Thinking about them nearly cripples me. I won’t even be able to bury them. I turn and hurl the picture at the wall across from me. The angry tears slip down my face as it cracks on impact and falls to the floor. My insides feel shattered, just like that picture.

  I grab my mom’s perfume bottle and throw it as well; it fractures but doesn’t break. I don’t know what to do, I can’t fix this. I can’t bring them back. I can’t even fix myself…there is no way out of this.

  “Kai?” I hold my breath and glance toward the open bedroom door. “Kai, are you okay? I heard something break…” I walk out of the room and down
the hall to the top of the stairs. Sam stands just inside the destroyed back door.

  “I’m here,” my voice cracks. She swivels to face me.

  “I thought I’d find you here,” she replies, carefully picking her way through the broken glass toward me. “I brought a bag with me in case you wanted to take anything from your parents’ home with us and maybe some clothes.”

  She stops at the bottom step and looks up at me; I can see the compassion in her gentle eyes. My legs give out and I go down on my knees, holding onto the railing. I don’t deserve her kindness. I’m a bad person, I must be. Look at all the bad things that have happened. They’re all my fault.

  She walks up the stairs one at a time slowly. I hang my head once she reaches me. I feel the tears spill down my cheeks slowly; she must think I’m so weak.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Sammy.” I stare down through my blurry vision at the room below us.

  She touches my cheek gently, wiping at the tears. “Stop it, you’re not giving up. Don’t be stupid.” She says it firmly, but in a kind voice.

  I glance up at her. “Obviously I’ve done something to deserve this. I’m a bad person. Please, I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

  “No.” She kneels down on the step in front of me and looks me straight in the eye. “You’re not a bad person, Kai. I wouldn’t keep you around if you were.” She smiles, reaching up to hold my shoulder. “This isn’t the end. I’m here for you. I’ve told you all of this before, you’re not giving up. I won’t let you.” She clutches my hand and stands up, dragging me with her. “Which one’s your room?”

  We walk down the hall and into my room. She strides over to the cupboard and places the open the bag on the floor. “Grab some of your clothes to take back with us.” I nod and open the cupboard doors.

  By the time I’ve stuffed the bag full of clothes; Sam has left my room and wandered down the hall. I zip up the bag and walk down the hall to find her, stopping in the doorway to my parents’ room. She’s sitting on the bed, running her fingers over the shattered glass of the picture I threw, my dad’s photo in her lap. She jumps and looks over at me in surprise when she realizes I’m there.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”

  I shake my head and walk over to her. “It’s fine.” I grab the picture frame from her hands and snatch the photo from her knees, throwing them both on the bed.

  She frowns and glances at them. “Don’t you want to take a picture?” Pain swells in my chest; I shake my head and turn to leave the room. After a pause, I hear her footsteps following me down the stairs and toward the door. She snags the bag just as I start shivering violently. I was too distracted to feel the ache in my head that signals my time is up and now I’m too far past it.

  Sam turns back to me. “Kai?” Another shudder and I’m on my knees, I can’t breathe. She drops the bag and walks back over to me, I glance up at her. Please, I don’t want to be like this anymore.

  “I can’t…do this, Sammy…I can’t…Please…” I gasp between labored breaths, trying to get the words out so she can understand.

  I don’t know if she heard me or not, she isn’t listening if she did. Would she care if I just gave up right now? I crash forward and curl around myself, trembling and clawing at the floor with my finger nails, it feels like I’m having a seizure. I’ve pushed my time limit too far. Sam kneels down in front of me, her dark eyes coming into view. Her face is full of anguish as she watches me.

  “God, Kai. I don’t know what to do. Is it usually this bad? Please just tell me what to do?”

  My vision blurs in and out, I focus on her, trying to stay human. I fight it and the pain intensifies until I can’t feel anything else.

  ***

  Careful fingers stroke through the fur on my face and neck. Trying to fight off the change has made my whole body ache in protest. I open my eyes slowly, lying still for a moment longer to gather strength before lifting my head. Sam is lying on the carpet beside me in the scattered shards of glass, watching me, her eyes full of compassion and sadness.

  She slowly stands up, grabbing her bag on the way out the door. She turns back at the last minute, silhouetted in the fading light from outside the doorway.

  “Kai?”

  I drag myself off the floor. The way she said my name, waiting for me to follow. I know now that I would do anything to stay with her.

  CHAPTER 23

  Sammy

  Dylan picks us up from the park. I open the back door for Kai before jumping in the passenger seat.

  “So how did it go?” Dylan asks as soon as I put my seatbelt on. Seeing Kai change like that was the single hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but I can’t tell Dylan that.

  “It was hard. Kathy seems happy, though.” He smiles and pulls away from the curb. We stop off at a fast food restaurant for a takeout dinner before heading back to the cabin. Ashlee’s parents are away on holiday, so she spent her day out at the lake.

  We pack up to leave after dinner. Ashlee sits in the back with Kai this time.

  Kai

  Sam came home late one night earlier this week with a box full of Christmas decorations, but she hasn’t had time to put them up yet. I can’t believe it’s Christmas already, how long have I been stuck like this? Has it really been that long? Thinking about it makes me depressed.

  “I’m heading out for a few hours with Ashlee to go Christmas shopping. Then Ashlee’s going home to visit her parents. See you in a bit,” she calls out, closing the door behind her.

  I duck into her room as soon as she leaves, pain explodes across my body almost instantly and I black out. When I open my eyes again, I dress and head back downstairs into the main room. I’ve never put Christmas decorations up before. It can’t be that hard.

  The stupid plastic fir tree falls over twice while I’m trying to put it together, the tinsel gets twisted up in knots, and then I tangle the lights up so bad it takes me a full twenty minutes of cursing and struggling to untangle them. So I was wrong. Christmas decorating is hard. I’ll never take Serena’s decorating at my house for granted again. That woman is amazing.

  I kind of miss my family—okay, I miss them a lot, especially their over the top celebrations. At least at Christmas time we were all at home like a proper family.

  My time runs out and I’m back as a dog by the time Sam walks through the front door. She glances up, drops all the bags she’s holding, and looks around in wonder.

  “You did this?” she asks, pulling her gaze away from the room to look at me. I nod my head once at her as she walks around the room. “It looks absolutely beautiful.” I glance at her then quickly look away…Yeah, beautiful.

  Sammy

  As soon as Riley sits down in his seat in Econ, I turn around and apologize to him. “I’m so sorry about last week. Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you.”

  He gives me a small smile and opens his notebook. “Its fine, Sammy. I’ve been busy with work and Christmas break.” I nod and twist back round to face Professor Zedic. She’s wearing a distractingly colorful outfit today.

  Riley holds my hand as we exit the classroom. Dylan is three meters away talking to a pretty blonde girl; I tug on Riley’s hand and lead him over to Dylan.

  “Hey,” I call out as I get closer. Dylan turns around and smiles.

  “Hi yourself.” We stop in front of him just as the blonde girl waves and walks away. “How’s it going, Riley?”

  Riley nods, distracted, and then his phone goes off. He pulls it out of his pocket, reads the screen, and then looks down at me.

  “I have to go. I have somewhere I need to be. Talk to you later.” He kisses me on the cheek and walks away.

  I shake my head and face Dylan again. “So, what’s going on? How was your Christmas?”

  He glances after Riley curiously before answering. “I’m good, actually. Not looking forward to work on Saturday. My band has another gig on Friday, which, by the way, you and Ashlee are i
nvited to. I’m going to be so tired.” He smiles.

  I bite my lip, trying to stop my laugh. The way he talks you’d think he hates being in a band, but I can see the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about it. “That’s great, Dylan, I’ll let Ashlee know, but I’m sure we’ll be able to come.”

  ***

  Dylan’s band is just being announced on stage to play when we arrive at Black Pike Pub. It’s nearly twice the crowd this time, so it’s really hard to find somewhere to sit. Ashlee gives up and pushes her way into the dancing masses in the middle of the dim room. I’m not really in the mood to dance so I head over to the bar. When I asked Riley to come with us tonight he said he was busy again.

  Making my way to stand at the edge of the room, I sip my glass of Coke. Dylan’s band is crazy talented. Someone should call American Idol or something. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as I feel someone come up close behind me, I turn.

  “Kai? What are you doing here? Someone might recognize you.” I rush to push him further into the shadowy corner. His face looks drawn and a little hollow; he’s still hurting for his family. Hold on a minute. “How did you get here?”

  “I drove your car.” He smiles and holds up my car keys.

  I frown. “That’s over a ten minute drive.”

  “Exactly, so I don’t have much time.” He grabs my arms gently, his eyes glow different colors in the stage lights. “I just wanted to tell you that I heard you and I’m not giving up.”

  I raise an eyebrow in confusion. “That’s good.”

  “No, you don’t understand.” He lifts his hand and touches my cheek. His eyes search mine. “I know what I want.”