Whisper My Last Goodbye

by Karen Woods

  Bridget’s big gob could be heard from outside, screeching. “Have you tried anything on yet?” Harpur put the first dress on and opened the door. Bridget screwed her face up. “Hanging, take it off and try another one on. You look like a school teacher in it. Harpur went back inside and checked the dress on herself again in the mirror. Nope, it looked like a bag of rags, nothing like the look she was trying to achieve. The next dress seemed more her style. Red was her favourite colour and as she slipped the garment over her head, she knew then that this was the dress for her. Opening the door, she met Bridget’s eyes. “Check you out, turn to the side. That’s the one, you look mint, slender and most of all sexy.” Harpur twisted her body about and walked up and down. A few of the other customers checked her out too and she knew by their expressions that the dress was the one she would be buying. Bridget smiled and seemed proud that she’d picked a nice outfit for her friend. “So, we just need some underwear now and a few things to wear in the day.”

  Harpur pulled a sour expression. “I’ve got some alright knickers at home, it’s not like Dessie will be seeing them is it?”

  Bridget sniggered and spoke out in a loud voice. “Always be prepared love. Never say never. It’s always the way. You think you’re not having sex and before you know it you’re already regretting that you don't have any decent knickers on when things get out of hand. Trust me, I know.”

  Harpur gasped and headed back into the changing room. “You’re a barm-pot, Bridget, a couple of butties short of a picnic.”

  The looked around the store. Harpur held a pair of briefs up in the air, examining them. “This pair of knickers has no underneath in them Bridget. How do they expect a woman to wear something like this. Her flower would be freezing?”

  Bridget took them out of her hand and examined them further. “Derrr... they’re crotchless that’s why you geek. You don’t need something like this. You need something that says I’ve not made an effort and all my underwear looks like this. For fuck’s sake, can’t we tell you’ve been married for years.” Bridget had this dating thing boxed off for sure. Harpur must have been living in a bubble for most of her married life. She was so behind the times in her fashion sense and even her underwear choices. Since when did passion killers turn a man on? They wanted filth; red lacy numbers, black sexy lingerie. Bridget pulled at the back of Harpur’s skirt trying to get a look at her knickers. “What are you wearing at the moment, Brazilian, thong, what?”

  Harpur raised her eyes and smirked. “Will you get off me,” she started to giggle. “Manchester knickers they are. I didn’t know there was any other kind. What the hell are thongs anyway?”

  Bridget howled laughing and crossed her legs tightly. “Orr, stop it I’m going to piss my knickers with you. Are you being serious or what? Don’t tell me you don’t wear a thong.”

  “No, I don’t even know what it is so don’t make fun of me, just bleeding help me. I’ve been married for years and well, I’ve not been interested in sexy underwear. You know how it’s been. So, instead of taking the piss, help me put it right.”

  Bridget could see she’d embarrassed her friend and tried to make amends. “Come on, I know just the place. You can get a few pairs of knickers for a decent price there. Sexy ones too, not like them tents you’re wearing.”

  Harpur was walking along swinging her bags when she halted suddenly. “Quick, get over here. There’s Joanne. Bleeding hell, that’s all I need is her seeing me. She’s a right gobshite and she’ll want to see everything I’ve bought.” They hid in a shop doorway and peeped out. Harpur stretched her neck and watched as Joanne stood on the opposite side of the shopping centre. Bridget was hung over her shoulder and she was checking her watch. “We need to be heading back, love. I’ve got a viewing to sort out and I can’t be late. Here, give me your bags. She’s not going to ask me to see what I’ve bought is she? Just say you’ve come with me. There, problem solved.”

  Bridget took the bags from her friend and they headed over towards Joanne. Hold on, who was this talking to her? Harpur quickened her step and within seconds she was stood next to Joanne and her new man friend. “Hello there, fancy seeing you here. Who’s this then, aren’t you going to introduce me?” Harpur stood facing the man and looked him up and down, waiting on an answer. Bridget could see she was ready for kicking off and tried to calm her down. Joanne began to stutter, small beads of sweat forming on her forehead. “This is Bradley, he’s an old friend. I’ve just bumped into him.”

  What on earth was going on here? Did Joanne think Sam’s mother was green or what? It wasn’t rocket science to work out what was going on, she was cheating on her son and was caught bang to rights. Harpur made sure Joanne knew how angry she was. “Oh, what’s your name? I’ll tell Sam when he comes home next week that you two have bumped into each other.”

  Joanne swallowed hard and stuttered. “I’ll tell him myself,. Harpur. Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Just stop being so suspicious and concentrate on your own relationship instead of mine.”

  Bridget shot a look at Joanne and she was ready for punching her lights out too, the lippy cow. How dare she give any back chat to her friend after all she’d done for her. She was getting told. “Oi, less of the mouth. If you’re just meeting an old friend then there’s no problem with Sam knowing is there?”

  The man was edgy and this was the second time he’d heard Harpur’s son’s name. The colour drained from his cheeks and he spoke in a low voice. “It was nice seeing you again Joanne. Tell Sam I was asking about him. Catch you soon.” The man walked off and Harpur was ready for throttling Joanne. She didn’t believe this story for one second. She was up to no good and she’d been caught in the act. She hissed over at her. “I’ll see you when I get home. You can explain this then can’t you!”

  Bridget eyeballed Joanne and sucked hard on her bottom lip. “I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes,” she whispered under her breath as she started to leave to follow Harpur. Joanne stomped her feet and whatever she was mumbling under her breath couldn’t be repeated.

  Harpur was furious as they headed back to work. Bridget was doing her best to try and calm her down. “How dare she mess about on our Sam? I mean, she’s living under my roof too! The barefaced cheek of her. I swear, she’s lucky I never twatted her all over the shopping centre. And I would have you know. She’ll soon see what I’m about if she thinks she can treat our Sam like this.”

  Bridget reached over and patted the middle of her arm. “Bleeding hell, when it rains it pours in your life doesn’t it. Come on, cheer up. You’ve got this weekend to look forward to so don’t let anyone piss on your parade and steal your thunder. Be happy remember.”

  A text alert was heard. Harpur quickly scanned her screen and rammed her phone back into her pocket. “Bleeding hell, that’s my mam. I’ll have to call there tonight after work. Will you do me a favour and take my new underwear home with you? If Neil sees them he’ll think it’s his birthday and moan until I put them on for him.”

  Bridget sniggered and held her head to the side. “Do you two still have decent sex or what?”

  Harpur let out a sarcastic laugh. “Sometimes he thinks he’s a porn king and we have a bit but that is few and far between. Those days are long gone and I’d rather watch paint dry if I’m being totally honest with you. I swear, it’s the same every time. Nothing changes. Boring it is. Wham, bam, thank you mam.” “Have you told him what you like in the bedroom?” Bridget asked. “Of course I have. I’ve been married for years not months. He doesn’t listen and thinks I’m having a go at his male ego. Sex has never really been his good point if I’m being honest, it’s just a basic in and out if you get what I mean?” “Yeah, I know the script well. It was the same with Gary, that was one of the main reasons I carted him. I used to watch the television when we were having sex. It was boring as hell. Anyway, now’s your chance to do something about it. If I was you I’d shag Dessie’s brains out. Have a one-night stand, have great sex and walk a
way. No harm done is there?”

  Harpur gasped. “I was thinking along the same lines you know. It might even save my marriage if I have a fling.”

  The girls sat in silence for the rest of the journey. When they parted they kissed and hugged each other. Bridget could see Harpur was still stressed and gave her a few words to make her smile. “Things happen for a reason, love. Never be scared of change.” Harpur smiled and walked away. Her shift was nearly over at work and once she got home she was going to have a serious chat with Joanne. Was this the pot calling the kettle black though?

  *

  The two sisters were arguing, there was a heated debate. “It’s always been the same with you Sheila, you knew what was going on and you were part of it just like I was. There’s no point in regretting it now is there? We were just trying to help her that’s all?” Diane shut up as soon as she saw Harpur stood at the door. Sheila bared her teeth over at her sister and it was obvious the conversation they were having was now finished. Diane was in a mood and whatever had been said between these two it was far from over. Sheila’s cheeks were bright red and she was scratching at her neck just like she always did when she was angry.

  Harpur plonked down on the sofa and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. “What’s up? Are you two arguing again. What’s happened now, come on, who started it this time?”

  Diane closed her eyes slightly and bit hard on her bottom lip. Whatever had gone on here was something so serious that neither of them wanted to talk about it. Diane twisted her gold earring in her ear and tried to calm down. She changed the subject quickly. “How’s your day been cock, you look tired, are you sleeping alright?”

  Harpur rubbed at her eyes and stretched her mouth open wide as she yawned. “I’m exhausted. My home life is shit, but ay, I’m not going to bore you with it all. I’ll deal with it myself.”

  Sheila let out a laboured breath and shot her eyes over at her. “We all have shit to deal with, just get on with it like I have to.”

  What was going on here, why was she having another pop at her when she’d just walked through the door? She was well out of order. Harpur was sick to death of the way she was being spoken to and in fairness she’d had enough crap today to last her a lifetime. “Mother, stop being a miserable arse. What shit do you have to deal with, go on tell me that?”

  Why didn’t she just keep her big mouth shut, Sheila was ready to bite her head off. She twisted her head to face her and went to town on her. “I’ll tell you should I? I have to sit in this bastard house every day and remember what our Brady did here. I was the one who cut him down after he hung himself. How do you think that feels ay, to see my own son swinging about like a fucking piece of meat on a hook upstairs? Don’t you ever tell me you’ve had shit to deal with when every night I close my eyes and I see him there, swinging about, his eyes, his mouth. He was my son for crying out loud.”

  Harpur swallowed hard, this was all too much to hear. She clenched her teeth together and for once she was telling her straight. So what, Sheila had been through a lot, but so had she. Brady was her brother and she was hurting just like she was. “You made a rod for your own back, mother. You let our Brady get away with murder. Go on, ask your sister she’ll tell you the truth. You hid stuff from us all so what did you expect to happen when it all fell apart? Go on Diane, tell her that she hid the truth from us and we never knew the half of it.”

  Diane wafted her hand in front of her face and she was having a hot sweat or something, her lips were trembling and fear was in her eyes. “Harpur, come on now. We’ve all been through a lot. Pop the kettle on and let’s all just have a nice cup of tea and calm down.”

  Harpur couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Where was the back-up, the support? Why wasn’t Diane fighting her corner like she usually did, something was wrong. Sheila was just about to blow when her sister stood up and screamed out at the top of her lungs. “Listen, just be quiet the both of you. We’re all hurting here and it’s nobody’s fault what happened to Brady. Your mam is right; she has been through a lot. So, let’s agree to disagree for now. People do things for different reasons, so let it lie for now. Bleeding hell Harpur, just make a cup of tea for fuck’s sake and let’s all chill out.”

  Harpur marched into the kitchen and punched the kitchen worktop. So much for her auntie backing her up! She froze and held her ear towards the doorway. She could hear whispering from the other room. Her heart was racing and she was having a full-blown panic attack. Grabbing a small plastic bag from the side, she gripped it tightly as if her life depended on it and started to blow into it. Her skin was turning blue and she was banging her clenched fist on her chest trying to free her breath, she was suffocating, panicking. Harpur sprinted to the front door and open it with shaking hands. A small crisp breeze circled her body and Harpur sucked in hard and blew her breath into the bag. She was in control now, her breathing returning to normal. She hung her head over the garden fence and inhaled deeply, gagging for air. A passer-by walked past her but she just kept her head low. She needed to go back inside now, get things back to normal. Harpur continued waiting for the kettle to boil, it seemed to be taking forever. Pulling her mobile phone from her pocket, she tried to take her mind from what was going on inside her body. Harpur’s eyes were wide open and she twisted her screen one way then another, she swallowed hard. Dessie had sent her a photograph of his private parts with a message attached.

  “I think it’s grown since you last saw it. What do you think, can you work with it or what? Love Dessie X”

  Oh my God, this was filthy, what on earth was she doing? If Neil ever saw this on her phone he would file for divorce at the drop of a hat. Surely she was going to reply now and tell him this had got way out of hand and it must stop. Her fingers started to type.

  “Dessie, it looks more or less the same size as I remember it. I think a hobbit may have a similar sized one. And as for working with it, are you having a laugh or what? I’m coming for a chat with you, just so you can see what you missed out on, nothing more, nothing less. Love Harpur X”

  The message was sent and she smirked. Harpur turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin. Sheila was stood right behind her and she wasn’t sure if she’d clocked her sending a message. “Do you want a brew mam? You need to stop having a go at me all the time it’s doing my head in. We should be helping each other to cope, not fighting each other.” Sheila grabbed her cup of tea from the side and never said a word, she just marched back into the front room. She was such a stubborn cow. Harpur looped the two mug handles around her fingers and headed back into the front room. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut but things were lying heavily on her mind and she wanted some answers. “Oh yes mother, that bag with our Brady’s stuff you sorted out. I took it home to have a root through it and I found some letters.”

  Sheila never flinched, she just kept her eyes on the television. “I told you that was for the bin men. Why don’t you ever listen? How dare you take stuff from here without asking me first!”

  “Are you for real? You’ve just said yourself that it was going into the rubbish bin so what harm is it if I’ve took it? Sometimes you amaze me with your ways. You’re not right in the head.”

  Diane knew this was going to kick off again and sat forward in her seat. “Harpur, for now, just let’s not talk about Brady. Everyone’s raw so don’t ask any more questions please.” Diane had changed her tune, since when had she been the mediator? Usually she would have stuck by Harpur and put her sister in her place without a second thought. Harpur was ready for breaking down. She slammed her cup on the table and went out of the room. As she headed upstairs a cold wind slid over her body, the hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end, goosebumps appearing on her arms. One by one, she climbed the stairs until she faced her brother’s bedroom door. As if it held an invisible magnetic force, it seemed to be dragging her inside. Harpur looked around the bedroom, the smell, the coldness, the memory of her brother was still i
n this room. Slowly, she crept over to his bed and sat on the edge of it, scared to move, afraid to look behind her. “Brady, I need you to help fix this mess. I don’t care what you were involved in, I just want an end to this nightmare. You know I’ll find out sooner or later so you better come clean.” Harpur looked up at the ceiling and held her tears back. “Don’t say you can’t hear me because I know you can. Your big sister can still make you cry,” she whispered under her breath. The tears flooded her eyes as she remembered the toy fighting with her brother, pinning him down on the floor and making him say, “My big sister still makes me cry.” She closed her eyes and she could see the two of them rolling about together as children. Brady had a contagious laugh and once he started, there was no stopping him. The bond they had was strong and no matter what, they could always find something to laugh about, no matter how hard times were. Even in her darkest hour her brother could still make her laugh.

  Harpur opened her eyes and looked to the top of the bed. Her fingers stroked across his white pillow. “I would give anything in the world to have you lying here with me one last time. To see your face, to tell you my troubles, to bollock you for whatever you’d been up to. Why can’t I just let go Brady? I need you to help me. I’ve always been there for you and when I’m having the worst time in my life you decide not to be around anymore.” These words came from the heart and as she wiped her tears away she stood up and looked out of the window. Brady had stood at this window so many times, it was like his perch. If anyone came into the garden, he would always get a glimpse of them first. It would give him a chance to get on his toes if it was the dibble or time to shout to his mam to say that he wasn’t in. There was always someone knocking at the house for Brady. Mostly for money he owed, or someone who wanted to buy knock-off stuff. Yes, this was a busy address when he was alive. Harpur moved the curtain from the window and looked at the silver moon in the night sky. It seemed so far away tonight, she placed her finger on the window and drew a heart shape on it. With the end of her finger she wrote a few words. “I miss you our kid.” Her heart was heavy and the thought of never seeing her brother again dug deep in her heart.