Full Measures

by Rebecca Yarros

  He nodded slowly. “Just make sure you’re doing what you need, Ember. Find what makes you happy. It’s out there.”

  I shuffled the inches that separated us, bringing me up against his chest, and wound my arms around his neck. “The only time I really feel alive anymore is when I’m with you, and that scares the hell out of me.” I whispered the admission.

  His lips met mine, cool and firm. The kiss was chaste, sweet, and more tender than any we’d shared before. He pulled me in even closer and rested his forehead against mine. “Everything about you scares the hell out of me, December.”

  I didn’t have a chance to respond. A herd of elephants headed our way, coming through the locker-room entry to the ice hall. It was the hockey team from Colorado College, the Tigers, Gus’s fantasy come to life. When it came to hockey, Colorado College was the place to be.

  “Hey! You can’t be here!” one of the players shouted, skating over. “We’ve got practice.”

  “Yeah, man, sorry. We stayed a few minutes late. We’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for loaning us the ice. ”

  A peculiar expression came across the Tiger’s face before surprise. “Hey, you’re Josh Walker!”

  If I hadn’t been watching Josh so closely, I would have missed the quick jaw clench. “Yeah. Nice to meet you.”

  The guy turned around, revealing his last name of Cedar on his jersey. “Lugawski, Hamilton! This is Josh Walker!”

  “No way!” the other players skated over.

  “Dude, you were, like, phenomenal! We’ve watched your tapes!”

  I cringed at the “were.” Crowded by three padded hockey players, I suddenly felt very tiny, but very defensive of Josh. “He’s still pretty phenomenal.”

  Josh backed me out and nodded to the guys. “Thanks again for the ice.”

  “You still play?” Cedar asked, skating over as Josh moved me toward the door.

  “Yeah, for UCCS,” he answered.

  “Man! If Coach had known you were all healed up, he would have come calling. He’s always been a big fan of yours. How did he lose you to Boulder?”

  Healed up? When had Josh been hurt? I’d never heard anything about him being injured during a game, but he’d left Boulder the year before I got there. His hand tightened around mine like he was holding something back.

  Josh laughed. I wondered if anyone else realized it wasn’t a real laugh, or if I was just that tuned to him. “Full ride to CU. I couldn’t afford you guys, and your roster was too stacked my freshman year to afford me. Stars just didn’t align.”

  Cedar shook his head. “Man, we would have been lucky to have you. When did you start playing again?”

  “Just this last year.”

  “Damn shame about your leg. But thank you. You’re a hero to the rest of us.”

  Josh took his outstretched hand and shook it. “Nothing to thank me for. Just doing my part.” His voice dropped so low I had to strain to hear what he’d said.

  “Still, it’s fucking amazing.”

  Man, these guys had a serious case of hockey-player hero worship.

  “Cedar!” Another player called him back.

  “Yeah!” He turned back to Josh. “Listen, if you’re ever at a game, let me know.”

  Josh gave a tight-lipped smile. “Absolutely. We’re going to get out of your hair. You guys look good this year.” With another handshake, he pulled me off the ice, and I walked toward the bleachers with awkward, clunky steps. Skates did nothing for my poise.

  I barely had my skates untied when Josh knelt in front of me, tension coming off him in radioactive waves. With more gentleness than I expected, he brushed my hands aside and had my skates off before I could blink. He was so intent on his task, I didn’t bother to tell him I could put on my own shoes. He slid my flats onto my feet and helped me stand.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I tossed one more glance at the black-and-gold clad team warming up. “Man, they’re good.”

  Without looking back, he gently led me out of the ice hall. “They’re the best.”

  Something was incredibly wrong with him. I hurried my steps to match his, coming in under his arm. He pulled me in.

  Outside the rink, the cool air hit my face, and I took a deep breath. Josh opened my door and saw me safely inside the Jeep, but he didn’t get in right away. He walked around to his side, but then leaned back against the door, tugging his hair through his hands for a moment before leaning over. My first instinct screamed to go to him, but the vibe he was putting out said it was best for me to stay where he put me.

  His head came back up, and he rested it briefly on the window before taking what looked like a huge breath and steadying himself. Then he opened the door, slipped inside, and gave me a smile. “Good first date?”

  “Don’t do that.”

  His eyes flashed a warning that I sailed right by. “Don’t treat me like I’m somebody else and hide from me.”

  He gave a half sigh, half laugh. “I deserved that.”

  I pointed to the arena. “That’s what you wanted.”

  “Yes.” His hands dug into the soft leather of his steering wheel. “You weren’t the only one with plans.” I reached over and laid my hand on his thigh, needing to touch him. He closed his eyes, something akin to pain wracking his features.

  He threw open his eyes, turned the radio up, and pulled out of the ice arena. He held my hand between changing gears, but didn’t speak the whole way home. God, I had been so self-absorbed. Yes, I had lost my father and the plans I’d made, but while I had been wrapped up in my family and my own life, I hadn’t paused to see that my tragedy wasn’t the only one around me. People lost their dreams every day.

  He pulled the Jeep into his parking spot and hurried around to open my door. We both knew he didn’t have to, but he lowered me from my seat to the ground carefully, like I was something precious.

  “You wanted to be a Tiger?” I asked, trying to get him to talk to me. I couldn’t be the only one to give away my secrets. I wanted to know everything about him, especially the parts he kept so carefully hidden from everyone else.

  He unlocked the door to our building and waited until we were inside to speak. “Yeah. One of the happiest days of my life was when I was accepted to CC. But we couldn’t afford it, and CU gave me a full ride. So I went to Boulder.”

  “And you were hurt? I never knew about it.”

  He punched the elevator button with his finger. “It was off-season and not very big news.”

  “Was that when you came home?” Shit. I knew next to nothing about Josh Walker.

  He shook his head. “My mom told me she had breast cancer the day after winter finals my sophomore year. It’s just the two of us, not like she had anyone else to take care of her, you know? I transferred to UCCS.”

  “And you call me selfless?” He was so lucky UCCS had honored his scholarship, especially since their team wasn’t on the same level.

  Ding. The elevator opened, and we stepped inside. “That’s why I didn’t give you crap for transferring here. I know what it’s like to be the one your family depends on.” He twined my fingers with his and kissed the back of my hand.

  “Your mom? Is she . . .”

  “Mom’s great. She’s a fighter. Once she was in remission, she moved back to Arizona to be near my grandparents, and I stayed here.”

  “But then you were hurt?” He was like a puzzle where every piece was black, and I couldn’t tell what went where.

  His jaw clenched again. I wondered if he knew that I could spot his tell. “Yeah, right around the same time Mom’s scans came back clean. I wasn’t eligible my sophomore year, since I caught the tail end of their season, but I rocked my junior year, and Colorado College came to talk to me about a scholarship. I was hurt a few months later, and the rest—”

  Ding. We were at our floor. We headed down the hall and paused in the middle of our doors, our hands still linked.

  “It took you a year to heal?�
�

  “It took me that long to get back to hockey, but I’ll never be as good as I used to be.” He looked deep into my eyes. “That’s the thing, though. Plans change, you adjust the sails and go with it. Just because I won’t play for CC doesn’t mean I won’t do something else equally amazing.”

  “But it still hurts you.”

  “Yeah, but it’s better bit by bit. It sucks to get it tossed in my face, but it’s not like I can change the past or what happened.”

  Sure, he was talking about himself, and it wasn’t some back-handed lecture, but still, his words cut through me, leaving me raw, bare. I couldn’t change what the last few months had brought. I couldn’t bring back Dad, and I wouldn’t take back Riley, but I could step forward.

  “One day, will you tell me what happened to you?”

  He took a moment to answer, and then nodded. “Just not right now. I’m not ready.”

  His honesty was more soothing than knowing about his injury. “Thank you for tonight.”

  His hand brushed my cheek, cupping my face and sending a thrill of electricity down my neck. “Sorry. It may have been a little heavy for first-date material.”

  “It was perfect. Then again, I’ve been dreaming of a date with you since the first day of my freshman year, so we probably could have done something atrocious and awful, and it would have been perfect. Don’t ever apologize for showing me who you are.”

  “There was another reason I was happy about you transferring,” he admitted.

  “Oh?”

  “Selfishly, I wanted you near me.”

  “Josh—”

  “Listen for a sec. Yes, I wanted you near me, and I still do, but there’s something I have to give you, and then you can choose what to do with it. Wait here.” He disappeared into his apartment for less than a minute and came back with a manila folder, rubbing his fingers along it nervously. “This is because I know what you’re capable of, even when you don’t.”

  He gave me the folder, and I opened it slowly, sucking in my breath. “An application for Vanderbilt?”

  He smiled. “Some dreams aren’t dead, just sleeping. I need you to know every option you have, and not to be scared of them. More than this craving to have you near me, I want you happy.”

  That was the moment I fell in love with Josh Walker.

  Everything clicked into place, mending the broken parts of my soul enough to finally breathe freely, to soak in everything about him, and the beauty of what we were together.

  He leaned down and brushed his lips over mine, still holding my face. I arched up for more, wanting everything I knew he was capable of giving. That was the problem with kissing Josh. The guy had some seriously addictive kissing abilities. He gave me another lingering kiss and pulled away.

  “First date, remember?”

  My jaw dropped. “Seriously? After everything we’ve—” He was like a high school girl, forcing me back to halfway-to-first-base at the start of every date.

  He feigned shock. “Why, I’ve never! December Howard! Whatever would you think of me if I let you steal my virtue on the first date?”

  “Right. You’re so virginal.” He oozed raw sex, the kind I knew would be a little bit dirty and a whole lot to handle.

  “Everything with you is new to me.” He let go of my face and turned me toward my front door. “Get inside before I change my mind, December.”

  “Oooh, am I getting to you, Josh?”

  He reached around me, opened my front door, and gently pushed me inside. “More than you’ll ever know. Now be good. Go to bed.”

  “It’s nine o’clock.”

  “Doesn’t matter. Go to sleep. Fully clothed. Or study. Or something.”

  I turned around and saw him leaning against the top of the door frame, his hands braced on either side of the door. He was so damn beautiful. “Are you thinking about a second date?”

  His smile was breathtaking. “Hell yes.”

  “Then you’d better give me a kiss good night worth it.”

  In a millisecond he pulled me into him. My heart jumped, and my lips tingled in anticipation of what I knew had to come next. I was going to go mad if I couldn’t get his mouth on mine.

  He leisurely took my face in his hands, brushing back the stray strands of auburn hair. He examined every curve and line of my face, his eyes skimming over my cheekbones, pausing at my eyes, lingering on my mouth.

  Then he took my mouth the way I needed him to.

  His lips moved in delicious ways that had me instantly ready for him. He slanted my head to gain better access, and all I could do was concentrate on not collapsing. He kept his hands on my face, but I craved them on every inch of my skin.

  Once my knees wavered, he retreated. If I hadn’t seen the desire raging in his darkened eyes, I would have thought he was completely unaffected. “May I call you for a second date, Ms. Howard?”

  “Yes, please, Mr. Walker.” My breath sounded like he’d just led me out of the bedroom. I wished he had.

  “This evening was my pleasure.” He kissed my hand and backed away, closing the door behind him and leaving me braced against the wall.

  Shit. Crap. Shit. Crap. Yeah, that. Every fiber in my body was calling out for him, and now I had to go to sleep knowing he was only a wall away? I wanted to scream in frustration. Instead, I picked up my purse and the application from where I must have dropped them and headed down the hall into the living room.

  April sat huddled on my couch, her eyes red and puffy.

  “She got here about half an hour ago,” Sam explained, dressed for the club. “She wouldn’t explain what was wrong, and I didn’t want to leave her alone.”

  “I got it, Sam. You head out.”

  She gave me a quick hug and after throwing a sympathetic look in April’s direction was out the door. Friday night was calling.

  I tossed everything on the end table and sat next to my sister, pulling her into my arms. “April?”

  “He left me. Brett found out about the other guys and said he was done.” Her sobs racked her tiny frame.

  I held her to me and rocked her back and forth. I promised her everything would be okay and sent up a prayer to God that He would not make me a liar.

  “What am I going to do?” Her warm tears soaked my neck. “I love him, Ember.”

  I cupped her face in my hands and pulled her away so I could get a good look at her. The tears she cried were real and ugly. “You really want him?”

  She nodded her head and bit her lip through the tears that tracked down her red cheeks.

  “Then you apologize. No reasoning, no excuses. You were wrong, no matter what you’ve told yourself, and you’re going to have to own up to that.” She didn’t need my judgment, but she needed the truth.

  Something had to give.

  “Okay, I can tell him I’m sorry. I was wrong. I just—”

  “No. No excuses, April. Not even to yourself. And apologizing doesn’t just mean you’re sorry, it means you won’t do it again, and unless you’re ready for that, you leave him alone.”

  Her shoulders straightened, and I watched my sister grow up a little.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Crap. It was six thirty at night. The puck dropped in forty-two minutes, and I was easily a twenty-minute drive away. I hopped on one foot, trying to pull off the black boots so I could put on the brown ones that matched better with my cream-colored sweater. With an enthusiastic tug, the left one flew off my foot, and I landed on my butt, banging my head against the bookshelf.

  “Ow!” I shouted. The bookcase shook from the impact, and I flung my arms over my head to catch what was sure to be an avalanche. A moment later, an envelope hit. Overreact much?

  Dad’s letter stared up at me from my lap. I traced my name in his familiar handwriting with my finger, like that could somehow bring him closer.

  For the hundredth time or so, my fingers flirted with the seal, tempted to rip it open and hear from him one last time. But what would he say if he
knew everything that had happened? If he knew I’d transferred? If he knew all my carefully laid plans were nothing but a pile of ashes waiting to be swept away?

  What could he have left to say to me that he hadn’t already told me in person? What had he held back? I turned it over in my hands again, determined not to leave anything unsaid in my life. There would never be a reason for me to write a letter.

  Josh needed to know I loved him. Tonight. No waiting. No regrets. No worrying about consequences or debating if I’d grieved enough to move on.

  I stood and put the envelope back on the top shelf.

  I slipped on my brown boots. “Sam! We’ve got to go now!”

  “Hold on!” she shouted back from the bathroom. “You can’t rush perfection, and I’m about to go man hunting.”

  “Where the hell are my keys? Can’t you put anything back where it goes?” I threw my arms into my coat and started tossing Sam’s coffee-table mess around.

  “Don’t get your panties in a wad, Ember. We can’t all have super-organizational OCD around here.”

  “Not helping, Sam!”

  She laughed and kept applying her makeup.

  Four minutes, three curse words, and a set of keys later, we were on our way.

  Traffic wasn’t bad until we hit the World Arena. Add in the five minutes to park, and we flirted with missing the puck drop.

  We raced down the concourse, rudely shoving our way past people until we reached our section. A quick glance past the usher at the open ice confirmed we’d made it in time. We slid into our blue-line glass seats as the team took the ice. Perfect timing.

  Like I had super-Josh-radar, I found him the moment he skated onto the ice. My smile erupted as I heard the arena burst in applause at the team’s arrival. My eyes couldn’t leave Josh.

  “Holy shit, girl, you’ve got it bad.”

  My smile spread wider, accepting the riot of emotions within me. “You have no clue.” I loved him. But more than that, I wasn’t just proud of the player out there, I was in awe of the man he’d become. “Did you know he got hurt?”