Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  Again, I didn’t allow myself to get rattled. Her line of questioning was only par for the infidelity course. There was no reason to have fear because I knew that all it really is is False Expectations Appearing Real. My expectation of Scarlet having called Nicole was more than likely false, so in an effort to downplay things I sat on the bed and reached over and kissed Nicole on the lips. I was giving off the brightest mood that I could muster up as I responded, “Ah man, baby you wouldn’t believe me if I told you what I’ve been through tonight. I got your pages, but I couldn’t call you back ’cause I didn’t have my phone in my possession at the time. And I definitely had no time to stop at a pay phone.”

  As my wife lay in our king-size bed, she curiously asked, “Well, what happened?”

  I answered back, “Me and some of the guys from work went to this comedy club in Manhattan, and guess what happened?”

  Nicole began to sit up as she nervously asked, “What? Did somebody get hurt or something?”

  I responded, “Oh nah, nothing like that. See, we all drove in this guy name Mike’s car, ’cause his is not that flashy, and we didn’t wanna get harassed by the cops. But when we came out of the club we couldn’t find Mike’s car.”

  “Oh Lance, don’t tell me somebody stole his car,” Nicole sadly and genuinely asked.

  I answered, “Well that’s what we originally thought. But we found out that his car had gotten towed. We thought that we were parked in a legit parking spot, but you know how it is in the city with those million and one confusing parking signs. And get this, they charged him two hundred dollars to get his car back. Yo, this city is a criminal empire, charging people that kind of money, and I mean we weren’t even parked illegally. They had this stupid sign that was on top of like a million other signs that read ‘Night Regulation,’ that’s it. It just said Night Regulation, and it had a picture of a moon on it. The cop told us that whenever we see that sign it means that they have the right to tow a car on any night that they choose. Can you believe that? That ain’t nothing but straight-up extortion. But there was nothing that we could do, though. There was no way that the impound yard was gonna give us that car without us first paying the cash. They didn’t even take credit cards or ATM cards, just cash. We all chipped in and helped Mike out, but it took us almost three hours to get his car back.”

  Nicole expressed what a shame it was that the car had gotten towed. Since she was feeling compassionate, I decided to drop another bomb on her, so before making my way to the bathroom and hopping in the shower, I added, “Oh yeah! And Nicole, things got a little bit worse.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “After all of the towing and getting the money together to get the car out of the impound, we finally make it back to Queens, and I get in my car and start it up and pull off, and all of a sudden I here this crazy wobbling sound. I get out of the car, and my tire is flat. Can you believe that? It’s like when it rains it pours. And I’m not talking about a slow-leak-type of flat. I’m talking about a serious major flat, a time to buy a new tire type of flat.”

  “Lance, you’re kiddin’ me.”

  “Nah, I’m straight-up serious. And I didn’t have the key to unlock my rims. I mean, if I did, I would have at least put the donut on until I got home, so I practically drove home on the rim and probably ruined it. That’s just more money that I gotta now kick out.”

  “Why didn’t you just call me to come get you?”

  “ ’Cause I figured that you and LL would be sleeping, and then after dealing with aggravation all night long it’s like I just wanted to get home as quick as I could. So even if I had called you, I wouldn’t have felt like waiting for you to come pick me up . . . But anyway, I just wanna take a shower, and I’ll deal with getting the tire fixed tomorrow,” I said as I made it to the bathroom and began running the water for my shower.

  You see how easy that was, I told myself. I need to change my name to Lance B. Smooth, I devilishly thought as I prepared to step into the shower.

  I hated to be washing Toni’s body oils off, but hey, I knew that I had to distract any subversive thoughts from Nicole’s mind, and what better way to do that than becoming one with her by making love to her?

  Lovemaking was exactly what my wife and I did when I was done showering. And while we made love, all I kept envisioning was Toni’s naked, baby-oiled body lying on her couch. I guess it was that thought that allowed me to perform so well with Nicole. Yeah, when we were done making love, I’ll admit that I felt like a dog. But I felt like a very happy and satisfied dog. One who had had more than his fill for the day and was now ready to go to sleep.

  FIFTEEN

  A little more than a week had passed since the sexual encounter that Toni and I had. My wife didn’t suspect a thing, mainly because I had been on point spiritually. Nicole had seen an increase in my motivation to read the Bible and attend Bible class. But see, one thing that I’ve learned is that when you overcompensate in a particular area, there is bound to be another area that is being neglected. In my case, over the last week or so, Toni had been that area that was getting neglected.

  If I were a true dog, I could have been like, “to hell with Toni.” After all, I had already hit it, and I’m married. So I didn’t actually have to kick it with Toni anymore. I could have very easily moved on to pursuing Carmen, the young girl who worked at McDonald’s, or some other piece of meat. It’s just that I wanted to continue to hang around Toni. I knew the sex was good, and that definitely played a big part as to why I wanted to hang around and continue to please her. But the main reason I couldn’t see myself bouncing on Toni just yet was because I didn’t have that sense of closure.

  I didn’t feel as though Toni and I had exhausted all of the possibilities that stood to exist between the two of us, and it’s bugged because I always initially feel that way whenever I get involved with a female, only with me that initial feeling seems to never wear off. That’s probably why I yearn to stay in touch with old female flings from as long ago as my early teenage years. Those past girlfriends can be married, and my mind still manages to come up with “what if” possibilities. The only female that I feel like I have ever had a sense of closure with is Nicole.

  That’s also probably the reason that I’ve allowed Scarlet to hang around for so long. But even with her, I’ve never felt as if there was a sense of closure, like we still had so much more to explore and conquer. Scarlet has always caused a chemistry inside of me that constantly makes me feel like I have to hit it one last time. The problem is, one last time has turned out to be five years of countless sex episodes with her.

  During the week, Scarlet had been causing all kinds of turmoil, but I quickly began to realize that she was just hungry for my attention, and she wouldn’t really go as far as blowing my cover. For example, she has been constantly calling the house and hanging up, real childish type stuff that happens with high school teenagers. It’s as if she wants me to be constantly my on guard, but if she was really serious, she would have spoken to Nicole by now, and I knew that. But regardless, she was a loose cannon, and I had to make sure that I didn’t scorn her in any way because any woman who feels scorned is capable of some serious destruction.

  I did, however, manage to worm my way out of that thick situation that had ensued when Scarlet had apparently followed me to Jamaica Estates on the night I first had sex with Toni.

  I made sure to simply not just call Scarlet the first thing in the morning of which I’d found my tire slashed. Rather, I made it my business to go visit her. When I made it to her crib, I knew the attention was gonna squarely rest on me, so I had to try to deflect some of it in order to decrease the tension that was sure to be in the air.

  When I saw Scarlet, my first words were, “Now Scarlet, just explain one thing to me: Why were you going for my jugular vein by slashing my tire, especially when I had told you that I would explain everything to you?”

  “Lance, the way I look at it, there is really nothing to explain.
I know that whoever you was wit’ that y’all ended up having sex that night. I went all the way out to Harlem. Matter of fact, it was past Harlem, practically in Yonkers, and I performed my show and came back to Queens, and your car was still there. So how do you expect me to not do something? Apparently you were trying to play me, and you were being straight-up blunt and rude about it. I’m sayin’, out of respect you could have at least got up and moved your car and parked it somewhere else to try and give the appearance that you had left. You had to know I would double back and check out your sloppy, lyin’-ass story.”

  “Scarlet, I thought we had an agreement. You were supposed to at least hear me out, so why would I think you would double back on me and do something as low and gully as slashing a nigga’s tire?”

  “Okay, Lance, I’m sorry for slashing your tire. Now let me hear your tired explanation,” Scarlet said with some mouth- twisting attitude.

  “A’ight. Baby, listen, I was with a chick. And I did try to get some. I mean—”

  “Lance, you know what? You really are disgusting. I should just spit in your face right now.”

  “Scarlet, just let me finish. She was just a girl I knew from high school, and the only reason I was there was because I was just trying to gas her into doing a threesome with me and you.”

  “What? A threesome?”

  “Yeah, you know, a ménage a trois.”

  “Lance!”

  “Scarlet, how many times have I told you that I wanted to do that? So why would you even flip?”

  “Why would I flip? Because it’s always about you, Lance. It’s always about what you want. Yeah, you’ve told me about your little threesome idea before, but how many times have I told you that I don’t do that? Lance, you know how many girls come on to me at these strip clubs because I’m always telling you about that. And whenever I tell you about those stories, I always make it a point to tell you and assure you that I don’t swing like that, and you know I don’t get down like that.”

  “Yeah but see, Scarlet, those women who come on to you are into that lesbian thing, which is cool with me, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not asking you to necessarily be down with the lesbian thing, I’m just sayin’—”

  Scarlet interrupted me and added, “Yeah, you’re just saying that you want two women at the same time and that you would be willing to take them any way you can get them. You’d be happy if they both just pulled their pants down and bent over and let you do your thing. Lance, I know exactly where you’re coming from, and like I already said, and I’ve been saying it all along, it’s always about what you want.”

  “Baby, that’s not true, ’cause if it were true, then I wouldn’t even want you to participate in the threesome. I mean, of course, I would want you to enjoy it and get something out of it. Can’t you see that I’m at least being straight up with you?”

  “Lance, what’s this chick’s name?”

  “Why do you need to know that?”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Tina. Her name is Tina,” I barked.

  “Okay, let me break it down for you. Lance, you wanna get into Tina’s pants, which you probably already did, but to pacify me you’re trying to suck me into your little fantasy. I’m not stupid. This is all about you, and that’s it.”

  “Would you stop saying that? First of all nothing happened between me and Tina. She wasn’t with the idea, and I was just trying to convince her.”

  “Lance, that is a bunch of BS. You mean to tell me that you haven’t spoken to this chick or seen her since high school, and out of the blue you decide to buy some seafood, get all dipped out before going to see her, and when you do see her all y’all do is talk about a threesome until the wee hours of the morning? It just doesn’t add up. Lance, it is always about what you want.”

  “See, I never said that I hadn’t spoken to her since high school.”

  “Lance, you know what? Just forget about it. I ain’t got time for games.”

  “What do you mean ‘just forget about it?’ “ I asked in an attempt to keep this ridiculous argument going. See, I wanted to keep it going in order to distract attention from really having to explain who “Tina” was.

  “I mean forget about it. Because you know what? This is how I know and can prove that you are full of it; if you really wanna do a threesome, then why won’t you try to convince Nicole to do it? Matter of fact, I tell you what. If Nicole agrees to it, then I’ll be with it.”

  “Now Scarlet, you know good and well that I ain’t asking Nicole to do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she’s my wife.”

  “Yeah, and?”

  “And I know that she wouldn’t go there,” I shot back as I started to sense myself really getting vexed.

  “So your wife wouldn’t go there, and you wouldn’t try to get her to go there, yet you would want me to go that route? How the hell am I supposed to interpret that, Lance?”

  Throwing my hands up in the air, I said, “Scarlet, you should be a lawyer or a doctor because you are an expert at spinning things around and taking things where it is so irrelevant.”

  “Irrelevant? No, no, no, I don’t think so. My point is very relevant. Or maybe I need to spell it out for you. Lance, if you want me to do sexual things your wife wouldn’t do, then basically you are calling me your hoe.”

  “See, now why are you even going there, Scarlet? I ain’t even call you no hoe or nothing like that, and I never have viewed you like that. But like I said, you’re a good spin doctor.”

  “Lance, you noticed that I haven’t attempted to hit you or smack you or anything like that, right?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “I realized something when I slashed your tire. See, I was gonna slash all four of them, but then I was like ‘what the heck am I doing?’ It was like something all of a sudden clicked off in my brain, and I was like, ‘Scarlet del Rio, are you crazy or something? If Lance can’t be faithful to his wife then how the hell can you expect him to be faithful to you?’ Yeah, I finally realized it, Lance. I realized that you are a dog, and I don’t need to be playing myself the way I do. I mean, why am I slashing your tires and hitting you and screaming and all of that when I can have just about any man I want?”

  “Scarlet, come on with that. You know what you got in me. You know that no other man who looks as good as I do could treat you and sex you the way I do. You know that.”

  “See, that is exactly what I mean. There you go again thinking that it’s all about you. You know what? I used to like that cockiness in you because I took it as confidence, and I’ll admit it, most men are intimidated by me, so you have an edge in that area, but believe me and trust me, Lance, there are much finer-looking men than you out there who sex a whole lot better than you do and who have a whole lot more going for themselves than you do. Lance, you know what? You’re not worth all of the drama.”

  “What drama, baby?” I said as I attempted to move closer to Scarlet and show her some affection.

  “Lance, please don’t touch me.”

  “Oh, so now you’re gonna act all cold and standoffish?”

  “Lance, you know, you were right when you said that we need to end things. I mean, why am I holding on to you and stringing myself along like I have no other options? You’re the one who is frustrated, married, oversexed, and has a kid and not many options. I’m young, sexy, I got money, and I can do whatever.”

  “Scarlet, that was low,” I commented, and I truly did mean it because Scarlet was taking big stabs at my ego.

  “I don’t care if it’s low because it’s the truth.”

  “Okay, let’s just back up a minute. This all started because you think that I’m treating you like a hoe simply because I won’t ask Nicole to take part in a threesome, yet I would be willing to get you involved in one. But see that’s because I know how religious Nicole is, and I know that she wouldn’t compromise her faith in God for something like that.”

  “Oh, and I’m a spin do
ctor? Lance, you know what? We don’t even have to take the conversation back there. I’m just gonna take you up on your offer, an offer that I now realize is in my best interest, and I’m gonna leave you alone.”

  I didn’t know if Scarlet was playing mind games with me or what, but I was feeling mad confused. In fact, I was starting to feel hurt. Yeah, it’s true that for the sake of my marriage I had decided to leave Scarlet alone, but the end of the relationship clearly had to be on my terms, otherwise I knew future problems would lurk because of the lack of closure I would feel.

  “Scarlet, listen—”

  “No, Lance, you listen. Enough with all the games. I’m gonna give you what you want and what you requested. I mean, you might be used to having your way with Nicole, but I am not Nicole, so if you’re gonna be with me, you can’t be playing me for a fool, and that’s exactly what you’re trying to do.”

  As Scarlet said that, she reached in her pocket and pulled out a drug dealer–like wad of cash. She peeled off twenties and tens and said, “Here. This is five hundred dollars. This is for your tire that I slashed.”

  Yo, this chick is dead serious, I thought. As I gave a very insecure laugh I said, “Scarlet, put your money away. Why are you trippin’?”

  “Lance, just take the damn money. And I am not trippin’. What is wrong with you? Isn’t this what you wanted for some time now? So I’m simply granting you your request, so the real question is why are you trippin’. Now here, take this money.”

  I reached out, and I took hold of the cash and put it in my pocket. “Scarlet—”

  “Lance, there really isn’t much else to say. Things were real, we had some fun times and some real good sex over the years, but all good things must come to an end. So you make sure you take good care of yourself. Okay?”

  “Scarlet, you are really buggin’ out,” I said, sounding very astonished.

  From the drift of that conversation, you can get a clear understanding as to why my ego was crushed. The remainder of the conversation continued in a similar manner. I began to wonder if Scarlet had linked up with some other cat who was breaking her off with better pipe game than mine or if she was really just fed up with me. I mean, man, I hadn’t even really done anything wrong. All I did was have sex with Toni one time, so I didn’t know why she was trippin’ the way she was.