Fractured Hearts

by SJD Peterson

  “Hey, Rae! I’m ready.”

  “You sure about this?”

  “Hell no. See ya in an hour.” Charlie ended the call and returned the phone to her purse before Rae tried to talk her out of what she was about to do.

  * * * *

  After his shower, Kegan slipped on his jeans and searched for a smaller belt.

  He’d lost so much weight over the last few weeks he needed to find something that fit unless he wanted to hold his damn pants up all day. The loss of weight didn’t bother him as much as the fact that he still had no desire to eat. Shit just came back up anyway. For a while, he’d made it almost a game to see how long he could hold down his meal. Now he rarely even tried to eat.

  When he couldn’t find a new belt, he gathered up the extra fabric of his jeans in one hand, his old belt in the other, and headed toward the kitchen in search of something to make a new hole. With any luck, he could sneak in, grab a knife, then get out before he ran into Trevor. They’d had their fights in the past; it was hard for two men living and working together every day not to have the occasional disagreement, even some that had gotten a little physical.

  He knew it was frustration on Trevor’s part that had made him lash out, but as much as Kegan understood it, there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to fix it. For now, he just hoped like hell that he could avoid the man until he could figure out how to make things better for all of them.

  Charlie leaving was another thing he couldn’t fix. It had been damn near impossible not to beg her to stay after Trevor had informed him she was going to leave. As much as he wanted her to stay, he knew it was better this way. She shouldn’t have to deal with him.

  Going back to her own place would be a good thing for her. He was sure that with time to think about what she wanted, without him and Trevor pushing her into things, she’d realize she was better off without him.

  Neither he nor Trevor had given her more than a moment to think about what it was they’d asked—demanded—from her. What woman in their right mind would want to put up with two arrogant bastards like him and Trevor? It was just a fantasy to think they could actually find one woman to make their lives complete. Kinda like the fantasy of thinking he was actually good enough for Charlie and could have a future with her.

  Charlie had accepted them and look what that had gotten her…a whole lot of hurt and a man who couldn’t protect her when she needed him the most.

  Charlie was it for him, always had been, and he would never love anyone as he loved her. But, now that he knew she was okay, was strong enough to stand on her own, and his father could no longer hurt her, he had to let her go.

  He couldn’t ever imagine himself with anyone else. But even he wasn’t selfish enough to destroy her just to make himself happy. He wouldn’t even do it to make Trevor happy either.

  As Kegan entered the kitchen, he said a silent thank you that Mrs. M and Trevor were elsewhere. He quickly headed for the butcher block and stiffened as familiar footsteps walked in behind him. Shit!

  “We need to talk,” Trevor drawled quietly.

  Without turning, Kegan grabbed a knife from the block. “Yeah, I suppose we do.”

  “No need for that knife, I just plan on talking.”

  Kegan couldn’t help but snicker as he turned. “Yeah, like I’d need a knife to take you.”

  Trevor waved him off and leaned against the counter opposite Kegan, watching as he dug a new hole into his belt. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “What does it look like?” Kegan had to widen his stance to keep his pants from falling down as he worked on the belt. Once he’d made the hole, he threaded it through the loops on his jeans and fastened it. Still wasn’t quite tight enough, but at least they weren’t falling off.

  “Jesus! How much weight have you lost?”

  Kegan shrugged in response. “So talk.”

  “I need to know where your head is.”

  Kegan shrugged again. “Meaning?”

  “You’re hurting her.”

  He knew he was, and it ripped his fucking heart out every time he thought about it. “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to say what happened to Charlie wasn’t your fault and mean it so we can all move past it.”

  Kegan slumped against the counter and stared down at his feet, unable to meet Trevor’s gaze. “I can’t do that.”

  “Yes you can,” Trevor demanded.

  Christ, he was tired. In his head, in his heart, in his soul, just so fucking tired. He shuffled to the liquor cabinet and pulled down a bottle of whiskey, then two glasses. Setting them on the table, he motioned for Trevor to join him. He might as well get comfortable. The hard set of Trevor’s jaw told Kegan he wouldn’t be able to walk away and ignore him this time. Undoubtedly, the man would follow him around until he gave in anyway. He poured them each a drink then threw back nearly half of his before he met Trevor’s gaze.

  “Go ahead and say your piece.”

  Trevor sighed. “I’m not gonna try and convince you that what your old man did wasn’t your fault. I know you well enough to know when you get something in your fool head, it’s nearly impossible to change it, but I do want to ask you one question.”

  Kegan eyed him with suspicion, drained the rest of his glass, then poured a second before answering. “This should be interesting.”

  “When I first met you, we were both like two truly fucked-up people trying to figure out where they stood in the world.” He grabbed his glass, stared at it for a moment, then continued without taking a drink. Instead he ran his hands through his hair. “It took us a bit, but we finally figured out it wasn’t so much us that were messed up, but the shitty families we were born into.”

  If that isn’t the understatement of the year.

  He didn’t say anything, knew Trevor would eventually make his point, so he nodded, urged the man to continue. The sooner Trevor got whatever it was off his chest, the sooner he could take the bottle of whiskey, go back to his room and drink until he was numb.

  “You and I, we worked hard to prove something to ourselves. Made a good life and earned the respect of lots of people in this county. Refused to let what happened when we were young to define us as men.”

  Kegan drained his glass, savoring the warm feeling as the liquid moved down, knew that soon enough, it would bring him the sweet oblivion he needed. “Trev? You want to hurry up and get to that question.” He pointed toward Trevor’s legs. “And could you do it without that damn knee-shaking thing?”

  Trevor looked down at his legs and instantly the shaking stopped, as if he hadn’t realized he was doing it, but the hands were back in his hair. “The point I was trying to make was that you and I, we’ve come a long way, right?”

  “Yep.” Kegan started to rise, but Trevor reached out, grabbed his forearm and stopped him.

  “Where the hell you going?”

  “You said you only wanted to ask me one question and you just did, which, I may add, I answered, so I’m going back to my room.”

  “Sit your ass down and stop being a prick. You know that wasn’t the question.”

  Kegan reclaimed his seat. “Yeah, but I could hope. Ask your question already, will ya?”

  “Fine. I want to know why, after all this time, you now think Drake is so all damn important that you’re going to let him have complete control over your life?”

  Kegan’s mouth fell open. He couldn’t have been more stunned if Trevor had sat in front of him and grown a second head. “You’re not serious? I won’t even dignify that with an answer.”

  Trevor stood, placed his hands on the table and looked down at Kegan. “I’m not really looking for an answer. I just want you to think on it. You’re letting Drake hurt me, you and Charlie. Is he really so important that he’s worth all three of us suffering?”

  Trevor didn’t wait for his response. He turned and walked out of the kitchen without giving him a second look.

  Damn the man anyway. Kegan snatched up his
glass and the bottle of whiskey from the table and made his way back to his room.

  An hour and another two shots later and Trevor’s question still festered inside him.

  ‘Is he really so important that he’s worth all three of us suffering?’

  Hell no, the man wasn’t important. He’d been a sorry excuse for a human his whole life and didn’t deserve even a second’s thought with his passing. Trevor had done mankind a favor in taking him out and the only thing Kegan hoped now was that the bastard was suffering in hell the same way he had made so many others suffer while he was alive.

  ‘Complete control over your life.’

  The hell he did. Did he? Wanting Charlie to have a good life, one she deserved, didn’t have a damn thing to do with Drake, did it? Sure, he could admit that some of his insecurities stemmed from growing up under Drake, but they didn’t define him. He hadn’t been able to protect Charlie against Drake, hadn’t been enough for her. That was why he had to let her go. It had nothing to do with Drake, just his own shortcomings. He wasn’t allowing Drake to still hurt her.

  Was he?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Charlie sat staring out of the window. The landscape took on a dreamlike quality as it swirled and blurred into an array of bright colors. She’d finally made the decision to leave the ranch and though she knew it was the right decision, the only one she could make, it didn’t make her feel the least bit better.

  She was a complete mess. Hell, she’d always been a mess, but now it was for a different reason than when she’d first come to the ranch. She’d been unsure of her future and had been clueless as to how to manage the pain and anger from the past, but eventually she had thanks to Kegan’s and Trevor’s love and patience.

  Her dreams had nearly come true when she had finally let go and accepted the fact that she was completely and irrevocably in love with two men.

  It had felt so right, scribbling the notes to her men, planning and fussing over the preparations of their dinner together when she would finally tell them both how she felt.

  Now in the wake of Drake Colburn, her dreams were crushed and her body, mind and soul completely devastated. It wasn’t what Drake had done to her that had destroyed her new, fragile dream of being with Kegan and Trevor, but what Drake had done to Kegan. Drake had taken her fairy tale and turned it into nothing but a heartbreaking nightmare.

  Trevor would undoubtedly rush to find her as soon as he realized she was gone and that was why she had no intention of returning to her apartment. Charlie felt guilty for the pain she was going to cause Trevor. It wasn’t his fault things hadn’t worked out. He had worked so hard at making her feel comfortable, had made sure that she didn’t have time to sit and think about her heartache for too long.

  Hell, she doubted she would have had the will to get out of bed each morning to face the onslaught of emotional pain if it hadn’t been for Trevor’s refusal to allow her to wallow in self-pity or question herself and every choice she had made. As much as she hated what she was doing to Trevor, there was no way she could ever stay at the ranch and watch him make a choice each day between her and Kegan.

  No matter his good intentions, he couldn’t fix what was happening between her and Kegan. Eventually it would drive a wedge between them. It was unfair to force him to choose. No one should ever have to make a decision like that. With that in mind, she had done what she thought would be easiest for both him and Kegan, and walked away.

  Dr. Stone had been more than happy to give her a little extra time off, telling her to take all the time she needed and they’d resume her training when she was ready. She had thanked him for his understanding, assured him she wouldn’t be gone long, yet she had no intention of resuming her studies or training in Redfield. No way she could remain that close to Kegan and Trevor and not be reminded every minute of what she’d almost had.

  Tears threatened to spill from her eyes but she blinked them back. She was tired of the tears, the pain in her chest and the way her thoughts kept running in a loop of one depressing scene of her life after another.

  The stereo being turned off and Rae’s soft voice brought her out of her mangled thoughts.

  “Why Florida? You hate the heat and sand and you’ve never been big on tourist traps. St. Petersburg is like so touristy.”

  Charlie drew her gaze away from the passing scenery and laid her head back against the headrest of Rae’s car. “I’m not going for the sights.”

  “Yeah, but you’re more the mountain cabin recluse kinda girl. I just can’t picture you sitting on the beach alone. If you’d just give me a couple of days, I could get the time off and go with you.”

  Charlie sat up straighter as Rae took the exit for the airport. God, she hated flying. It was the only thing she’d ever experienced that caused her to go into a full-blown panic attack. The first time she had flown when she was seventeen, she had been up and out of her seat, headed for the exit door as the plane had taken off. It wasn’t until a flight attendant had forced her back to her seat and held her down that she’d realized she had even made an attempt to open the door. She had been sitting one moment in the cramped little seat trying to figure out how to get her seat belt tightened and the next she hadn’t been able to breathe. It had felt like her heart would jump out of her chest.

  To this day, she usually avoided flying at all costs. The irrational panic still crept up on her each time she flew but she had learned to deal with it, though at the end of every flight she was completely exhausted, her muscles tight and cramped. Yet this time she welcomed it. Hopefully, she would finally be able to take advantage of her flying ordeal and get some very much-needed sleep once she got to her hotel room.

  “I wish you could go with me, Rae, if nothing else, to just get me through the flight, but I need some time alone, ya know? I need to get my head on right and make some big decisions about my life and my future. I need to do that without influence one way or the other.”

  “Pfft, like I’d try to influence you,” Rae sniffed.

  Rae pulled up to the departing flight drop-off area and parked the car before Charlie commented further. “I really appreciate that you’d even offer to go with me. I know you have a lot going on right now and it means the world to me you would drop everything and come with, but I really do need some time alone.”

  Rae reached over and squeezed her hand. “Yeah, I know you do, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be there for you.”

  Charlie pulled on Rae’s hand to bring her closer for a hug. “I promise I’ll call when I get settled at the hotel and every night as long as you keep your promise.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. No telling the cowboys where you are. I don’t agree with it, but a promise is a promise.”

  Charlie squeezed Rae one last time before she let her go and opened her door. As Charlie stepped out onto the pavement, Rae leaned down so she could look up at her. “You want me to wait with you until you board?”

  “Nah, I’ll be okay. Besides, you need to get back to work. Thanks again for everything, Rae. Talk to you tonight.”

  She closed the door, pulled her bag up on her shoulder, then headed toward the airport with a wave back at Rae. She had a couple of hours before she had to board the plane. Since she was no longer taking pain meds, she had just enough time to find an airport lounge and work on getting enough liquid courage in her to help her endure the flight.

  If she was lucky, in her exhausted state she could drink enough and be passed out before the plane even made its taxi down the runway.

  * * * *

  Kegan had no more than gotten to his room with the intent on spending another day with Mr. Jack Daniel until he couldn’t think straight when a rap at the door had him tensing and he yelled out angrily, “Go away.”

  “Don’t you yell at me, young man.”

  Crap. Kegan jumped to his feet and opened the door. “I’m sorry, Mrs. M, I thought you were Trevor.”

  She brushed past and waved him off, then crosse
d the small room to take a seat on the bed.

  “Won’t you come in?” Damn but the woman was even pushier than Trevor.

  She patted the mattress next to her. “C’mere, boy, and sit down.”

  Why the fuck couldn’t they just leave him alone for one afternoon? When did everyone in this house get their fucking degrees in psychology and think it was okay to analyze him like a goddamn guinea pig? With a frustrated sigh, he sat next to her.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Mrs. M asked.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re acting like a damn spoiled brat, treating people the way you have the last couple weeks.”

  “Mrs. M—”

  “Shut it,” Mrs. M demanded and pointed a warning finger at him. “You’re gonna sit right here and listen, boy. That girl has been through hell, but it’s nothing like the hell she’s been suffering from what you’re doing to her.”

  “I don’t—”

  She cut him off with a glare. “You don’t think I get it? I’ve been around a damn long time and I get it just fine. You think you’re not good enough for her and somewhere in that messed-up thought process you’ve decided it gives you the right to make the choice of whether she wants to be with you or not. You think you get to decide what is best for her without a care for what she wants. Pretty arrogant on your part, wouldn’t you say?”

  Kegan didn’t know what to say to that. She just didn’t understand the whole situation with Charlie, and he wasn’t about to explain it to her. He doubted she would understand what he was sacrificing for Charlie.

  Mrs. Miller patted the back of his hand. “You’re sacrificing your happiness thinking you’re doing what’s best for her.”

  Kegan stared at her in stunned surprise. Could the woman read his mind?

  She held his gaze with a spitfire gleam in her eyes. She rose from the bed and turned toward him. “Not only are you sacrificing your happiness for nothing, you’re sacrificing Charlie’s and Trevor’s as well. Think on that. Are your insecurities worth hurting the two people you love?” She reached into her apron, pulled out three small black boxes, then placed them on the bed next to him.