Leaving Yesterday

by Zoe Dawson

  “Hey, Cadie,” J.J. said, his voice low and husky and loaded with intimacy. “Looking good.”

  She smiled at him. “Thanks, J.J.”

  “Hey, so do you have a date for the homecoming dance?”

  She set her hands on her hips. “Why, J.J., don’t you have the pretty girls lined up around the block?”

  He shrugged, smiling that slow, bad-boy smile of his. She loved that about him, how unassuming he was about his looks. He was a good running back, a totally decent guy, too, but football wasn’t his passion. It was ranching and he was slated to head to college next fall to carry on the Carson ranching tradition.

  “Not anyone as sassy as you.” He leaned in. “We’re friends and that’s really all I’m looking for now. No complications before I head off to college. That work for you? I mean, as long as you’re free, that is.”

  She laughed as Brooks came around the corner and her knees went weak. His looks weren’t as drop-dead gorgeous as J.J.’s. But she loved his features, his strong nose, all that wavy hair her fingers itched to delve into, his hot-looking mouth, and his deep green eyes. It was his sense of humor and his love of the absurd that had caught her. She missed that boy desperately. “Can I get back to you about that offer?” she said, never taking her eyes off Brooks.

  J.J. looked behind him to Brooks and back at her like he got it. “Sure, Cadie. You’re worth waiting for.”

  Brooks frowned when she gave J.J. a slight shove on his arm. Butterflies set off in her stomach as J.J. walked into the school, disappearing into the boy’s locker room. Brooks didn’t look like he was going to stop, but she didn’t give him a choice. She grabbed his arm.

  He shook her off like she’d burned him.

  “Brooks, can I talk to you?”

  “I gotta get showered and get home to do chores,” he said.

  “It won’t take long.”

  “Geez, Cadie…what is it?”

  “Will you go to the homecoming dance with me?” she said in a rush before she lost her nerve. “I was waiting for you to ask. Waiting all this time. But, I got to wondering if you thought I wouldn’t go with you, but I want to. Go with you. I got this amazing dress. Went all the way to Kalispell to the mall. So, will you?”

  She sounded pathetic as it all came spilling out.

  He inhaled roughly and looked away, his hand going to his temple and rubbing. She wanted to ease him somehow, but her stomach sank when he looked at her again. His eyes softened and he bit his lip. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He left her standing there as he pushed through the door, his cleats hollow on the pavement, then clacking on the tile floor as he disappeared into the locker room.

  —

  Brooks was oblivious to everyone. The noise and the antics of his team members didn’t touch him. It was like he was in a solitary bubble and no one could penetrate it. He went through all the motions, but that was all they were, motions.

  It was as if someone had picked a protective layer of scales off his body, exposing patches of sensitive flesh. The light seemed brighter, his skin more sensitive, sounds more intrusive. He was more sensitized to movements and temperaments of the horses and livestock, more aware of everything that was happening around him. It was as if he had been suddenly cast adrift, then had resurfaced in a strange and unfamiliar place. That awful sensation of being disconnected from everything familiar left him shaken and unsure and oddly exposed. And memories—disturbing memories—wouldn’t leave him alone, shadowy, indistinct memories that had no shape. But they weren’t memories of things or places. They were memories of feelings. And in some ways, those were even worse.

  He felt haunted, and it was nearly impossible for him to stay focused on anything. He registered that he had hurt Cadie, but he couldn’t give her any false hope and that made him feel even more vulnerable because he harbored feelings for her, buried feelings that he couldn’t deal with.

  For a long time now he felt as if he were stripped naked inside, and that feeling was made more acute by his inability to deal with any of it. He hated that he hurt the people he loved in his life. But he couldn’t shake the wrenching sense of loss that seemed to be the only thing that filled him up.

  There were only two emotions that he couldn’t suppress: anger that burned in him like an ember always ready to ignite and a sick kind of twisting jealousy of J. J. Carson. He didn’t like the way he’d gotten close to Cadie. He didn’t like the way he looked at her. He didn’t like that he talked to her at all.

  But what was he to do about it? Everything had ceased to make sense to him. He swallowed hard as he leaned against the spray while darkness closed in around him, the feel of his dad’s blood wet and sticky against his hands as he tried to stem the flow. The words he’d said scoring Brooks’s insides like acid trapped and forever eating at him.

  His voice harsh in the cold air as he pleaded with him not to die.

  But he had died and Brooks couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t save him.

  He was hollow and had nothing to give Cadie. He couldn’t pretend to be a happy-go-lucky teenager at some stupid dance when he didn’t feel it was important.

  The hot water rushed over him and he closed his eyes, pushing back at the scalding pressure there. The laughter and the gung-ho sound of the jocks around him ringing on deaf ears.

  He dried off and got dressed, shoving everything into his locker. J.J. was standing next to him, talking on his cellphone. Brooks brushed past and knocked into him hard enough to send him into the locker with a satisfying metallic sound.

  “Oh, sorry,” he said totally unapologetically. J.J.’s mouth thinned, but he said nothing as he returned to his conversation.

  He couldn’t seem to help himself.

  He pushed open the locker room door and Cadie was still standing there.

  He wanted to howl.

  Her voice, filled with her frustration and anger, clawed at him. “Why are you treating me like this?”

  He grabbed her arm and dragged her away from any prying eyes and big ears. This town had a way of finding out anything and everything. Under the cover of the bleachers, she shook him free.

  “I’m screwed up. This has nothing to do with you. Dances, football, chores, homework, breathing don’t mean a goddamned thing! I’m going through the motions for my mom to spare her any more drama and to keep myself together. I’m trying not to splinter apart. Do you understand? I just want to get out of here! I’m biding my time until I go to Colorado for school.” Maybe then the memories won’t eat me alive. “Just leave me alone, Cadie.”

  He turned and wanted to disappear. His outburst making his throat raw.

  “Brooks,” she whispered, and he couldn’t take her sympathy. Was afraid he’d look like more than an idiot if he confided in her, leaned on her. What if he did? What if he gave her everything he was feeling, and it wasn’t enough? He’d end up even more hollow.

  As dead inside as his father.

  Chapter 18

  Cadie watched his retreating back with a kind of numbness she’d never felt before. She knew she was young and she knew that love was something that could be fleeting, rejected, or last forever. She was new to it, the love thing. New to discovering that Brooks felt like her man, the man she would want to be with forever.

  Apparently the phrase a fool in love was quite accurate.

  She was willing to wait, willing to listen, willing to hold him, help him. She just wanted to be with him. And, like love, it was unrealistic because she had aspirations and he was going to college. She wanted to be upbeat, positive, but this upended her glass half full and dumped it out all over the place.

  Being new to finding out she was in love with him, she didn’t know how to deal with his rejection. With his refusal and inability to reciprocate her feelings. Of course, he didn’t know. He only knew that she wanted to go to the dance with him. But that was kind of the same thing. She wanted to move forward in a relationship. Something real with him where she wouldn’t have to hide her feelings, hold ba
ck, be guarded.

  She just stood there with no idea of what to do. Stood and stared until he disappeared from view. Then she heard a horn honking. Startled, she looked at her watch and was astounded that she had kept her brother Reese waiting for fifteen minutes.

  Her cellphone chimed and she started to walk, still unable to unscramble her thoughts into a solidified whole. Swallowing back the tears that were pushing hotly against the backs of her eyes, she took a fortifying breath. All she had to do was make it home. Make it to her room. Then she could break down in private.

  She got inside and her brother smiled at her. “How was practice?” he asked as he waited for her to buckle up.

  God, he was always so upbeat and charming. She wondered how he really felt deep down inside. Maybe he was used to this facade or maybe he made himself believe he was immune. He was such a generous, giving guy, working long hours fighting fires in Kalispell and the surrounding area and volunteering in Laurel Falls.

  “Good,” she said, her throat so tight she had to swallow a few times, the tears welling in her eyes. She blinked rapidly, looking out the window to keep her face averted.

  Surprise in his voice, he said, “Good? That’s all you’ve got to say? That’s a new one. Usually I can’t shut you up with your comments about Donna did this and Shelly did that.”

  She couldn’t respond, so she just forced a laugh, a few errant tears she couldn’t control spilling over. She brushed at them with the back of her hand, hoping he was focusing more on the road than her.

  Hold on. A few more minutes and she’d be home. This time he touched her shoulder to bring her face around, his frown deepening. “I thought maybe you could make your taco pizza tonight. I got everything you need.”

  “Sure.”

  By this time they pulled in the driveway. “Cadie, are you okay? Did something happen at practice?”

  The caring concern in his voice set her off. She couldn’t hold back another minute. A sob escaped her control, and she was trembling so hard that she wasn’t sure how her legs would hold her. Tears spilled out of her eyes, and she fumbled with the handle and stumbled from the car. The sobs trapped in her chest breaking free as she sprinted onto the porch and got inside. She immediately ran to her room, closed and locked the door, and dropped her backpack, flinging herself face-first onto the bed.

  After a few minutes, her face hot, her pillow wet, she heard a knock. “Cadie? What’s wrong?” Reese’s voice was concerned, cajoling.

  “Go away,” she sobbed, her chest heaving.

  “Honey, let me help. Come on. Open the door.”

  “You can’t help. Just go away,” she cried. Her brother was so sweet, but all of them were dunces when it came to matters of the heart.

  He knocked a couple more times, but she was lost in her misery. Suddenly, Trace’s voice came through the door. “Little darlin’, what’s up? Open the door.”

  “Go away,” she mumbled incoherently.

  “We want to help. Whatever it is. We’ll talk about it.”

  “No. I can’t.”

  Then she heard Rafferty’s voice and it was like someone had thrown her a lifeline.

  “Cadie? It’s Rafferty.”

  Cadie flew to the door and unlocked it. Three anxious faces stared at her. She grabbed Rafferty’s arm and dragged her inside, then closed it.

  She heard Trace grouse, “What the hell? We’re her brothers.”

  Reese grumbled, “Yeah, what are we? Chopped liver?”

  For a moment she stood there absorbing Rafferty’s considerable worry and her compassion. Then with a soft cry, Cadie threw herself at her, burying her face in her shoulder. Rafferty’s arms came around her hard, and the feel of another woman, the female presence she’d always missed in her life was like a comforting piece clicking into place.

  “I’m so sorry about whatever happened to you, sweetie.”

  Experiencing another rush of pain and sadness, Cadie closed her eyes, her pulse hammering. Unable to answer her, her throat too clogged, she just held on for dear life.

  Rafferty stutter-stepped them over to the bed and sat her down, held her, just held her until the crying jag passed.

  She got up and snagged a box of tissues on Cadie’s desk and pulled out two, wiping at her eyes and nose.

  “What happened? Can you talk about it?”

  Cadie sniffled and wiped her eyes again. “I finally asked Brooks to the dance and he turned me down.”

  “Aw, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s more than that. He’s really hurting bad about his dad’s death. It’s almost been a year. He’s not the same person he was before and I…I’m in love with him. I just realized it when he was yelling at me about how nothing could help him. I ache to help him. I just can’t get through to him.”

  Rafferty cupped her face. “I know about heartbreak, Cadie, and I’m so proud of you for owning your feelings and expressing them. I could take a chapter out of your book. At least what you feel is honest and true. The fact that Brooks is struggling right now and can’t accept your offer of help only means he’s not open to it right now. But I’m sure he’ll remember how you offered.”

  “You think so? I really care about him and what happens to him.”

  “I know and I’m sorry for your broken heart. Are you still going to go to the dance?”

  Cadie wiped at her eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe just to show that I may get knocked down, but no one keeps me down for long. J. J. Carson asked me.”

  “That’s what I love about you, sweetie. You roll with the punches. I hope you do go and show off that beautiful dress we got you. You look stunning in it.”

  Something occurred to her. The way Brooks was acting. “Raff, do you think that maybe Brooks could have PTSD like my brother? Maybe not as severe, but maybe he doesn’t realize it and that’s why he’s having such a hard time.”

  “That’s a really good observation. Losing your father is traumatic enough, but the way Brooks lost his…must have been devastating.”

  “I’ll look into it more and see what I can find out. Maybe I should talk to him about it.”

  “Maybe you should. But he might not listen to you.”

  There was a tentative knock. “Hey, we’re going nuts out here. Is everything okay? We’re discussing breaking down the door with our great, stupid broad shoulders. That, mind you, are great for crying on.”

  Cadie laughed through her tears. “Ohmigod, my brothers are so dumb.”

  “I know. That’s what I love about them. Come on, we better go put them out of their misery.”

  —

  The next day at school, homecoming was in full swing. Yesterday had been dress-like-a-rock-star day. Today was crazy-hair day and hers was up in Pippi Longstocking stand-on-their-ends braids. She’d used bendable wire to keep them skewed at angles. Whenever she’d see Brooks in the hall, he would gaze at her with a bruised look in his eyes. She still felt the same about him, and even with his request to leave him alone, she couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed her more now than he’d ever had in the past. Even with her broken heart rattling around in her chest, she couldn’t abandon him or resent him. She just couldn’t.

  “Heya darlin’,” J. J. Carson said when she was pulling her books out for English class. “What’s up with you and Gill?”

  “None of your business.”

  His face softened and he leaned against the locker. If only she could have fallen for J.J., they were friends, but even with his movie-star looks, it was a no go.

  “Come on. We’re friends. You know I don’t blab or gossip. It would stay confidential.”

  She stuffed her books in her backpack. She took a breath, her heart aching. “I’m in love with him and he doesn’t love me back. I asked him to the dance and he turned me down flat. He’s struggling with his own issues. But it really hurts.”

  “Aw, shoot. I’m sorry. If it helps, he slammed me into the lockers yesterday after practice. I think he does feel the same about you, but
I reckon he’s messed up. Does that help?”

  She smiled at him. “You really are a nice guy.”

  He leaned down. “Don’t go spreading that around.” Grinning, he said, “My offer to the dance still stands if you still want to go.”

  “Really? I’m not sure I’ll be great company.”

  “We can have a good time. I’ll tell you all my lame jokes. It’ll look like we’re having a blast.”

  She laughed softly. “All right. I’ll go with you. I have this great dress.”

  He smiled, his blue eyes lighting up, and all she could think is she’d love to see Brooks smile at her like that. “I bet you’ll look awesome in it.”

  —

  Spirit week passed quickly and before she knew it, it was time for the homecoming dance. The parade would be the following week and they had put the finishing touches on the float. Anzu was instrumental in getting it all put together. The girl was an artistic genius. The night before the homecoming dance, Cadie, her brothers, and Rafferty attended the football game where the king, queen, and court were presented. They won against their biggest rival. It was no surprise that Emma Jackson, one of her fellow cheerleaders, was named queen and Tommy Shay, king. He was one of the football team’s running backs. It really was expected that J.J. would have been named, since he was MVP, but Cadie was sure he nixed that nomination. He wasn’t interested in any of that.

  Cadie found out from Trace that Rafferty’s new transmission was delayed by a fire at the warehouse of the car company. Rafferty had been here for three weeks now, which was far longer than anyone expected, including her brother. Her friend Greg was still here, but no one saw much of him. According to Anzu, he spent most of his time working. Cadie couldn’t understand why he came all this way, was surrounded by all this beauty, and stayed pretty much to himself in his room.

  She couldn’t be sad that Rafferty was here to see her in the dress they had picked out together. Trace seemed to be really happy about the delay. She hadn’t seen her brother so buoyant before, as if he were walking on air. And she secretly hoped that something long-lasting would develop between them. Rafferty didn’t seem too upset about the delay either. Harley continued to have his spells, which they handled as best they could.