Numb

by Lynn Rider

  I didn’t return any of Ashton’s texts or answer any of his calls after that lunch with Reese. After a week, he gave up. He sent his last text saying he had talked to Reese and he was sorry for what Kelly had done. I wasn’t sure if that meant it was an exaggeration of his feelings or he was just sorry I knew. As much as I was intrigued to know how he felt, I knew it would never work between us. He would be leaving in a week anyway and would have plenty of women to keep him occupied.

  Leah was angry and driving me crazy to talk to her. She knew without explanation the change in me had everything to do with Ashton. I knew that if I let her in that she would use it as ammunition that Douglas was wrong for me. What she didn’t realize was that I already knew that, but I didn’t need the emotional roller coaster that came with loving someone like Ashton.

  Your heart chooses who you love, and mine had been in love with Ashton Harris for a long time.

  “Darling, we’re only a couple weeks from holiday and we need to finalize our Hawaii plans. Have you decided which hotel you want to stay at?” Douglas asked over the line.

  “I know, Douglas. I’ve just been busy. I looked at it a couple of times but was having a hard time deciding,” I lied. I’d been stalling. When Douglas bought us the trip to Hawaii for Christmas, he’d arranged with a travel agent to allow me to plan it. He’d been asking me to call her to work out the details for weeks. We were now only two weeks out and I didn’t know if I could go through with it.

  Douglas sighed. “I know, Meagan. I think this holiday is exactly what we both need. Would you like me to make the plans and surprise you?” he asked sweetly.

  “No, I’ll do it tomorrow,” I replied, giving myself another day to face reality.

  “Darling, what a pleasant surprise,” Douglas said joyfully after he opened the door. He moved to the side when I stepped over the threshold of his apartment. He grasped my hand and pulled me in closer, pressing his lips to my temple softly. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. His tenderness made what I was about to do even harder.

  “Douglas, I came to talk to you,” I said quietly.

  He pulled back and locked his eyes on mine. His smile fell. He knew. “Sure, darling. What’s on your mind?” He led us to the living area. “Would you like a drink? Did you eat?”

  “No, thank you.” I sat on the chair, hoping to keep some separation between us. He looked uncomfortable as he sat on the couch. “Douglas, the last several months have been great. You’re everything that I need and should want, but something is off. I don’t know what it is or how to turn it on. I’ve been trying and I can’t.” The pain in his eyes reflected back at me as he sat silently, considering my words. I swallowed hard before I continued. “I need space to figure out what is wrong and what I need, and just as important, what I want.”

  He nodded. The moisture pooling in my eyes made it difficult to focus and maybe that was for the best. I couldn’t bear to see the effect my decision was having on him. After several long minutes of silence, I slid to the edge of the chair and grabbed my purse from the floor.

  “I’m sorry.” My tears fell as I walked toward the door.

  “I have a question, Meagan,” he said just as my fingers wrapped around the metal knob. I paused without turning. “Does the musician have anything to do with this?”

  The already rapid beat of my heart sped up at the mention of Ashton. “I haven’t talked to him in over two weeks.”

  “Goodbye, Meagan,” he said, quietly dismissing me.

  As I descended in the elevator, the realization that I’d pushed both men from my life hit me.

  I was alone.

  Six Months later…

  ‘I’M HERE AND INSIDE’ I texted Leah as I stood in the coffee shop.

  ‘Four blocks away. I’d be there if it weren’t for these fucking taxi cabs. Order for me.’

  I laughed. Her attempt at cleaning up her mouth had been short lived. Since having the baby she was always running late which seemed to have increased her use of profanity tenfold. I ordered our iced coffees and found a table by the door, then picked up the paper and begin reading an article comparing the Cultural Arts of New York City to other comparably sized cities. Yeah, this city rocks, I thought to myself as I read the comparison.

  “Meagan?”

  I heard the once familiar accent in that one word that could only belong to him. My eyes flit from the article and traveled the length of the suit-clad man standing before me. “Douglas.” I smiled as I took him in. He looked good. His hair was cut a little shorter than he usually wore it and the light scruff I’d begged him to maintain was no longer present on his face.

  “How are you?” he asked softly.

  “I’m good. You?” I smiled wider. For the first time, I could say that with one hundred percent honesty and it felt good. These last several months had been good for me.

  “You look great … I was going to call you, but thought it may be weird.” It was a statement, but his tone was questioning.

  “I’m not sure that’s—”

  “Douglas?” I heard a woman’s voice with the same distinct English accent interrupt from behind him. Elisabeth from the art show was standing there, looking at us warily.

  “Elisabeth, you remember Meagan?” Douglas asked as he reached for her hand and pulled her into his side. She fit into his embrace perfectly as if she had been there before. I smiled genuinely in her direction, trying not to ponder on their togetherness.

  “Yes, of course. Have you been well?” Her tone was polite, but her smile was guarded.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  She looked up and whispered something to Douglas. His smile directed at her was absent of the love it once held for me, but it still said more than friendship. She smiled weakly in my direction once more before she nodded and walked toward the counter.

  Douglas eyed the extra iced coffee on the table, then subtly scanned the coffee shop.

  “Leah,” I answered. I knew who he was looking for.

  The worry lines visibly relaxed from his face as he captured my gaze with his eyes. “Good luck with everything, Meagan.”

  “Good luck to you too, Douglas.” I nodded in the direction of Elisabeth who was pretending not to watch us through the corner of her eye. He nodded slightly as he turned to join her in line.

  Leah ran in, sliding into the seat and gulping down half her iced coffee in one long sip. “It’s hot as balls out there and I had to park a block away,” she blurted out before looking at me. “Who pissed in your panties?”

  I nodded in the direction of the counter. We both turned to see Elisabeth wrapping her body around Douglas to stake her claim. I silently laughed because overt public displays of affection were not his thing, but being the gentleman that he was, he probably allowed it to comfort her.

  “Does that bother you?” she asked as she turned back in my direction.

  “Not for the reasons you’re thinking. I’m just sorry I wrapped him up in my emotional shitstorm and hurt him.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up, Meagan. You thought you were doing the right thing. You can’t stay with someone just because you don’t want to get hurt. He deserved to find love too. You did the right thing in the end.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “So tell me about my baby,” I demanded with a big smile.

  ‘ASHTON QUITS SILVER KNIGHT MID-TOUR’

  Unlike the last time, I grabbed the magazine from the rack and tore through the pages, frantically searching for the article.

  ‘Suspected drug abuse’ and ‘spotted at a St. Louis hospital’ leaped from the page. I shoved the paper back on the wire shelf and glanced up to see the annoyed cashier looking at me and realized she was waiting for payment. I swiped my debit card and hastily entered my PIN. As soon as the word ‘Accepted’ displayed, I grabbed my bags and ran from the store without a goodbye or my receipt.

  My fingers trembled as I dialed his number.

  “Hey, baby girl. To what do I owe this pleasure?” he purred
into the phone.

  “Did Ashton quit Silver Knight?” I asked anxiously.

  The line went silent for what felt like an eternity. My heart was beating and my entire body shook.

  “It’s not my story to tell.”

  “God damn it, Phillip! Is he okay?” I yelled.

  He sighed heavily. “Physically, he’s okay.”

  Although I wasn’t entirely relieved, physically being okay was a start.

  “Where is he?”

  “St. Louis.”

  As the cab rolled to a stop, my stomach threatened to lose its contents for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. I walked carefully on unsteady legs toward the double glass doors. When the doors parted, the rush of cold air against my clammy skin was welcomed as I stepped inside the sterile hospital.

  Reese provided me with enough information that I was able to breeze past reception, and she also assured me that Ashton didn’t know I was coming. The nurse pointed me in the direction of the elevator that would take me to room 523. I felt a rush of dizziness as the elevator gently bounced to a stop on the fifth floor. When the stainless steel doors parted, I took a deep steadying breath and stepped into the hall. Each clack of my heel against the shiny linoleum floor reminded me of a ticking time bomb threatening to go off. Attempting to calm my nerves, I focused on the room numbered plaques.

  I caught the attention of a large African American man folded in a chair outside of room 523. “Meagan?” he asked gruffly. I nodded hesitantly as he stood to his full enormous stature. “Wait here,” he demanded, turning and disappearing behind the wide wooden door.

  I stood waiting, staring at that numbered plaque. My heart was beating so hard that my body rocked. My mouth was dry, but I continued to swallow to keep the bile from rising. The click of the metal door knob was followed by the slow swing of it opening. Ashton’s face was cast downward and his brow furrowed as he walked from the dimly lit room into the brightly illuminated hall. His face contorted with a look of confusion when he saw me standing there.

  “Meagan, what are you doing here?”

  “I had to see you.” My voice quivered.

  He looked up and down the hall before grabbing my arm. “Let’s talk down here,” he said, glancing back at the super-sized man who was standing cross-armed in front of the door. With a subtle nod of approval, Ashton started down the hall to a nearby waiting room.I followed his blurry form through my tear-filled eyes. He gently grabbed my arm once again, directing me to a chair then sitting next to me.

  “How is she?”

  “She’ll be okay. My mom is tough,” he answered quietly. “Son of a bitch beat her within inches of her life.” His quiet words wrapped with anger.

  “I’m sorry, Ashton. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have—”

  “Shhh. It’s not your fault she picks one loser after another,” he interrupted.

  “I’m so sorry for us,” I cried.

  “Meagan, it just wasn’t in the cards.”

  I couldn’t control the ugly sobs that projected from my mouth. All my indecisiveness and trying to take the safe route had caused this. I had come this far, to risk everything. I took a deep breath, scrubbed the tears from my cheeks with my fingertips, righted my posture and decided to fight for what I should have never fought against years ago.

  “It was in the cards. It’s my fault. I was so scared that you’d derail my dreams. I’m a musician. Not a surgeon like my parents slated for me, but a paid musician. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be and then you came along and threatened to take that away. Not because you would have asked me to, but because you’re addictive and I would have given it all up to be near you. I’ve been afraid to let you in. I never wanted to feel the heartbreak that I felt when you left me in Nashville, but for the past two years that’s all I’ve felt. I need to be near you. I want you in my life. I’m miserable without you. It’s in the cards, Ashton. It’s in the God damn cards!” I threw my head into my hands to hide my anguish and mourn the very last crumb of my dignity.

  His strong arms wrapped around me tightly and held me silently. I sat melded to his body with a longing to feel this every day of the rest of my life. I’d put it out there and I felt stupid, vulnerable. He held me until my sobs had calmed to an occasional sniffle.

  Eventually, he uncoiled his arms and steadied my face in his hands, tilting it toward his. My gaze dropped, mourning what I’d never had, but somehow lost.

  “Meagan, look at me,” he softly demanded. I looked up to meet his haze. His eyes were unexpectedly glassy. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear that from you.” He searched my eyes before the corners of his mouth turned slightly. “Well, maybe not exactly that,” he said with a partial show of his cocky grin and a tilt of his head. “It’s always been you, Meagan. Since Nashville when I saw you climb from the driver’s seat of Owen’s Maserati. You robbed me of my heart that day. I haven’t always lived like a model citizen or been the man who would make you proud, but I’ve changed. No one will work harder to earn your trust and love than I will. But Meagan, I need to know you’re in this. You keep running from my life with no explanation of what I’ve done wrong or how you’re feeling to make you want to run. I need a commitment from you. My heart can’t take it again.”

  I relaxed into his embrace and cried while nodding. “Meagan, where’s Douglas?” he asked hesitantly.

  “I don’t know, probably with his girlfriend. We broke up about six months ago.”

  He pushed me from his embrace. “You’ve been single for six months and you’re only just getting here?” He smiled.

  “I had to get my head on straight. I’ve hurt him … and you. I needed to be alone.”

  He nodded, accepting my answer before placing a chaste kiss on my lips. Through that brief contact, I felt the touch burn my skin all the way to my center.

  ASHTON HADN’T QUIT Silver Knight or even the tour. The group was in between tour dates when Ashton’s mom got put in the hospital and he’d only missed one show before meeting back up with them in Seattle.

  Ashton cautioned me about those headlines. He insisted most of them are made up or embellished to sell magazines. I tried to argue my point that they typically announced relationship hookups and breakups before the publicist did, but he groaned in agitation. I promised to keep my curiosity to a minimum and not pick any of them up unless there was a hot picture of him on the cover. He laughed it off, saying I’d be buying a slew of them because he was always hot.

  Ashton didn’t allow me to meet his mom while I was in St. Louis and I understood that. I wouldn’t want to meet someone for the first time when I’d been hospitalized. She promised Ashton that she would get her life straightened out. Dave, the super-sized bodyguard who sat outside her hospital room would look after his mom’s safety until she was released into rehab for her alcohol addiction.

  I’d learned a lot about Ashton in the twenty-four hours that I’d spent there. He was the connection who kept his not-so-stable-family together. His brother was in rehab again and now his mother was going. I was hopeful that they’d get it together—for Ashton’s sake.

  “Holy shit, Meagan, did you see Celebz magazine today?” Leah yelled over the phone when I answered.

  “No¸ I just promised Ashton a week ago that I would limit my curiosity,” I said dryly.

  “Uh, yeah. Well, you have to see this one. It’s you and him leaving the hospital!” she shrieked.

  I sat up straight. “What?” I asked as I opened my laptop.

  “Yeah, I’m assuming this is the hospital in St. Louis. It’s a big white building and you’re walking out with your sunglasses on and he has his arm around you, smiling.”

  “I haven’t seen it.” I typed his name into a search engine. Picture after picture came up of him with other women. Some looked like they were taken a while ago when his hair was longer, but there a few that appear to be more recent. I can’t do this, it’s what he warned me about. “I don’t want to know L
eah. Nothing good will come from it,” I said confidently as I closed my laptop.

  “I don’t know, Meagan. You look hot with your movie star glasses, big sweater and skinny jeans.” She laughed.

  “Thanks, but those headlines were so off with his drug addiction. It’s probably all lies anyway,” I said resolutely.

  “Okay, I’m going to read it though. I’ve never had a famous best friend.”

  “Whatever. I don’t want to know though, so don’t tell me. I don’t care what it says.”

  “Shit, Meagan, it says you’ve helped him beat his addiction.” She giggled.

  “Lies, Leah,” I said wryly and laughed.

  “But, listen—”

  “I’m hanging up now. Kiss baby Luke for me. Goodbye.” I hung up. My phone rang within seconds of disconnecting. I sighed in agitation but smiled when the screen flashed Ashton’s name.

  “Hey!”

  “Can you get the door?”

  “Huh?”

  “Will you help me with the door?”

  “Who are you talking to?”

  I heard a rapid beat on my door that sounded like someone kicking. “Ashton, tell me you’re not here,” I said as I made my way to the door.

  “I would, but I promised I’d never lie to you.”

  My heart started racing as I swung open the door to find him standing there with both arms full of grocery bags. “About time. I thought I was going to drop all this shit waiting on you, woman!” He joked as he stepped toward me and planted his lips firmly to mine.

  He’s really here. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m sorry, do you have plans and don’t want me here?” he asked sarcastically as he put the bags on the counter then stalked back toward me.

  My pulse quickened with the erratic beat of my heart. He cradled my head between his hands and kissed me. Not any kiss; a soul searching I need you more than air kind of kiss. A strong arm wrapped around my waist just before his tongue plunged deeper in my mouth and my knees buckled, but that didn’t stop Ashton. He held my body tight against his as the kiss intensified. Eventually, he pulled away slowly with a soft pull on my bottom lip and a chaste kiss pressed against my mouth, sealing it.