Time Out of Mind

by Ruth Hay

  Fear made my heart beat loud enough for me to hear as a rushing sound in my ears. I looked around me constantly during lectures to see if other students near me could hear the sound of my fear.

  Nothing could be done. I knew there were people who performed abortions but I had no access to the kind of money they would require, and no one to whom I could go for help in this situation. Any approach to a doctor would result in my parents being informed of my disgrace.

  Marion was the person I would normally want to share this secret anguish with, yet Marion was the very person I could not approach for comfort.

  To my shame, there was also the other side of the predicament that haunted me.

  Perhaps Gus would welcome this news and realize that he wanted a child with me despite the less-than-ideal circumstances. He would be the noble prince saving me from disaster. He would explain everything to Marion and she would admire his courage and promise to wait for him to return to her when the child was born. I, of course, would take this opportunity to bind him to me so closely that the tie we formed could never be severed, and we would set up a home together with our child.

  The trouble was that, hard as I might try, I could not imagine the child in any respect. I could not imagine a home where a child could be raised. In the end I had to abandon the foolish dream and face reality, no matter how harsh.

  Before bending to the inevitable outcry and shock of my announcement, I had to make one attempt to transform the fantasy dream into truth. I could never have forgiven myself if I missed the chance, no matter how slim.

  I left a note for Gus with Kyle after making him swear not to read it, or to ask Gus what it was about. I had asked Gus to meet me about something of importance in a high-class restaurant in central Glasgow where I knew we would not be seen. No students would be able to afford the prices at the Willow Tea Rooms.

  I went there and waited outside the door at the appointed hour for two consecutive days before Gus finally appeared. His expression told me all I needed to know, but I was still clinging on to a glimmer of the dream and reluctant to let it go.

  “What do you want?”

  “I’m here to give you a gift,” I stammered.

  “There’s nothing you have that I want.” He turned to walk away and I grabbed hold of his coat sleeve, pleading in a whisper, “Wait Gus! It’s about Marion and I can’t tell you out here in the street.”

  The lie came easily to my lips. All pretence at honour and morality had long fled from my soul. He still tugged his arm away from my grasp but I could see the curiosity in his eyes.

  “I’ll give you five minutes and then I’m going,” he grunted.

  I pushed open the heavy door and marched to a corner table without waiting to be seated.

  The waitress arrived rapidly at this breech in polite custom. She quickly requested our order, just as I had planned. She obviously suspected that these two impoverished students could never afford a proper tea and would relinquish the table for more prosperous customers, or else, flee in embarrassment as soon as she produced the menu.

  I had prepared for this moment and immediately ordered a high tea over Gus’ protests.

  I knew this would keep him seated long enough for me to tell my tale of woe.

  “I know how you must feel about me,” I began.

  “I seriously doubt that,” he countered impatiently.

  “I am not going to ask your forgiveness but I must tell you that I am pregnant with your child.”

  I had not been able to think of any way to break the news other than to come out with it in this abrupt fashion but the look of shocked scorn on his face almost made me regret my impulsive decision. At first I feared he was going to hit me. I saw his fingers clench and unclench as he fought the urge to slam his fist into something to relieve the pressure in his mind.

  “What? What do you mean? Are you serious? What are you saying?”

  I knew from his questions that this possibility must have occurred to him on some level.

  The problem was that he did not want to accept it.

  I let a moment or two go by in a tense silence as he struggled to find a way out of the dilemma. Diversion was his choice.

  “I thought you said this was about Marion?”

  “Of course she will have to be told,” I answered. The rush of blood to his face revealed what that prospect meant to him.

  “Don’t you dare go to Marion with this lie! Don’t you dare poison her against me. You are despicable in every way and I never want to see you again.”

  The venom in the word ‘never’ shot straight to my heart and as he stormed out of the restaurant, almost sending the waitress flying, I saw my dreams vanishing in his wake.

  “Did the young gentleman take ill?” enquired the waitress in what we students called

  ‘a toffee-nosed accent’. I had been unaware of my surroundings for some minutes when she interrupted my grim thoughts. Recovering rapidly so as not to cause any further embarrassing scenes, I answered, “No, he had to rush away to an appointment.”

  The obvious falsehood did nothing to convince her. She stood like a sentinel looking pointedly at the loaded tray in her hands as if expecting to block my exit with it.

  “That’s all right. I’ll pay the bill, don’t worry.”

  With a shrug she unloaded the trayful of what passed for delicacies in those wartime days, but she might as well have offered sawdust and mud for all the interest I had in eating. My stomach could not digest a single bite. I could taste only the acid churning inside me.

  I eventually poured a cup of tea and drank it without noticing the temperature.

  My head began to clear with the third or fourth cup. I was on my own and that was how it would be from now on. My last cash would go on this wreck of a high tea. I had nothing and no one. And I had only myself to blame.

  I sat at the table as long as I could. Darkness was falling when I escaped from the evil eye of the waitress, but the darkness inside me was far deeper and more intense than any night could create. I must have wandered the streets for miles with the last glimpse of Gus’ anguished face seared into my view wherever I looked.

  Every moment of that day has remained with me all my life and yet it was only the beginning of

  my punishment. Worse was to come.

  * * *

  Caroline was still shaking when the car rolled into the driveway at home.

  “Now, my dear,” soothed her grandmother. “I don’t want you to dwell on what happened this afternoon. None of it was anything to do with you.”

  “But I wrecked the photo, Gran!”

  “It was an accident. You didn’t mean to do it. My mother grabbed it from you so suddenly you could do nothing about it.”

  “But she was so upset. The way she clutched the torn pieces and wept over them, I am sure the photograph means something very important to her. I feel awful about this.”

  “Let me deal with it, Caroline. I will ask the older neighbours at home if anyone can remember my father’s friends visiting the house. Maybe they can help us now we know the names of the people in the photo, thanks to you.”

  Lynn was trying to make light of the situation in order to dispel her granddaughter’s anxiety, but she was, in fact, equally concerned about her mother’s state of mind. Something would have to be done to calm her mother down or she feared a move upstairs to the dementia ward would be the nursing home’s solution to the problem.

  “Don’t worry, sweetheart. Put it out of your mind. I’ll go straight home right now and start my investigations. I’m sure I’ll have an idea of what to do in a few days. Don’t bother your mother about this. It’ll be our little secret. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  With a confident smile and a wave of her hand, Caroline’s Gran Lynn backed out of the driveway and drove off. Caroline stood watching the red car disappear around the curve of the street and tried to follow her grandmother’s advice to forget the traumatic events in the nursing home, but she knew it
was not going to be easy to do.

  With her head down and a heavy heart she turned the key in her front door and stepped into the tiny hall. A blast of sound met her. Hands and arms grabbed her and a series of voices clamoured for her attention.

  “Come on Caroline! Let’s get this show on the road!”

  “We’ve been waiting for ages and the guys have been eating everything in sight. Your mother has sent them outside to wait for you. I think the messy crumbs were getting to be too much for her!”

  “Where’s your laptop? Why did you turn off your mobile? We really need to be in constant contact from now on if this thing is going to work.”

  Caroline let herself be led through the kitchen and out to the terrace with a quick backwards glance of apology towards her mother who was standing by the stove with a puzzled expression on her face.

  Caroline had totally forgotten the planning meeting tonight. All thoughts of Gigi fled from her mind as she saw the assembled troops slouching outdoors with their backs to the wall of the house. The table and chairs had been reserved for Caroline and her deputies, Janine and Ashley.

  Without further delay, Janine tapped a soda can on the table top and summoned the group to attend. “We can start now, gang, so don’t let’s waste any more time, OK? Over to you Chief.”

  Caroline stuttered at first as she attempted to get her brain into gear.

  “Thanks for coming everyone. I think you all know the Community Connections project is a go.”

  Cheers met this announcement and high fives were exchanged.

  “All of you have an important part to play to make this thing a success for the old folks. I am excited about the changes we hope to see in the next few weeks but first we have to establish an acceptable routine of activities and there will have to be an orientation session.”

  “What does that mean, Caroline?” Adam crushed the empty pop can in his hand as he spoke and looked around for a place to throw it. Janine’s glare convinced him not to pitch the can into Caroline’s father’s flower beds.

  “Well, Adam, I imagine most of you are like me. I had no idea what life was like for older people in a nursing home. It is scary at times when you see how helpless some of them are. They have physical and mental problems and they don’t look too good either. We can’t ever show how we might feel about that. Our job is to bring some new ideas into the place and brighten things up for them. Think of the old people as if they were your own family members and treat them with respect and kindness. I think they will be glad to see some young faces for a change. Many don’t get visitors at all.”

  “What about the staff who work at Mayfield Manor? Will they mind us running around and getting in their way?”

  “First, we will have to move about quietly, Ashley, and it’s very important that we get along with the staff. They have a difficult job to do and we should help them out whenever we can and not make their job more difficult. When in doubt, ask one of the helpers. They all wear name tags and a few of them are quite young. Orientation will give everyone a chance to get to know the layout of the building and to meet the staff.”

  Janine was anxious to get to the practical matter of scheduling. She passed out papers and pens to everyone and requested that they fill out the information immediately. Caroline took her copy and saw that Janine had set up a page where exam days and other time commitments could be noted, allowing Caroline to organize on which days nursing home events could be covered.

  As Janine collected the forms, Caroline announced that she thought the garden project would be the best one to start with. She had taken pictures with her mobile phone and would send them to the Garden Club team so they could see what the area looked like and plan their campaign to get free materials locally.

  “While the gardeners are working outside,” she suggested, “any of the residents who are mobile or in wheelchairs could be invited to watch the activities.”

  Daniel, who headed the Garden Club group, interrupted. “So you don’t want a surprise reveal when the job is done like they do on television?”

  “No Dan, the more we can get the residents involved, the better. Some of them might even be able to give you advice. There are sure to be gardeners among the residents; people who have had a lifetime of experience growing plants. Agreed?”

  Dan nodded and Jacqui jumped in with a request for more information about when the indoors activities could begin.

  “I’ve been thinking about that, Jacqui,” Caroline replied. “The gardening depends on the weather so if you can be flexible about times, on wet days we can go ahead with knitting and crochet crafts and the chess club can also try to interest some of the seniors. We don’t want to overwhelm them with too much at once”

  “Good! We thought we would start by setting up a chess game for two of us and just wait to see who would come and watch.”

  “Great idea, Eric! We need to be subtle about this and not cram anything down people’s throats. If they don’t want to take part, that’s fine, but I have a feeling when Rebecca’s team starts line dancing they will be clapping along with the rhythm, at the very least.”

  The group turned to Rebecca and laughed with her. They had all seen the line dancing demonstration at a school assembly and although none of the teen audience in the gym thought it was cool enough to get them moving, three members of the school staff got into the act and performed quite well on stage, to the surprise of everyone.

  “So, if I may summarize,” announced Janine in her best ‘school-teacher’ voice, which was met immediately with raspberry sounds and booing from the group.

  “Oh, shut up you lot, I’m only trying to help!” she continued in a more normal tone.

  “You need to remember that the schedule is flexible for now until we see how things go at Mayfield Manor. It’s important to stay in touch with our glorious leader, Caroline……..”

  Janine received an elbow in her side for that remark from the aforesaid leader.

  “Ouch! All right, all right……. but use your new phones, don’t do anything without letting Caroline know, and make sure Russell gets your name if you can offer rides in any parents’ cars to save time on buses. If anything goes wrong, Olivia’s house is close to the nursing home and she will coordinate if Caroline is not on hand.”

  Sarah Fenton must have been listening at the French doors as she chose this moment to announce that three cars had arrived to collect students, but the parent chauffeurs were enjoying coffee in the kitchen, so if anyone wanted hot chocolate and cookies before heading home they were welcome to stay.

  There was a scramble for the doors as soon as Mrs. Fenton disappeared and Caroline was left with Ashley and Janine.

  “How do you think that went?” she asked anxiously.

  “You did great, Caroline! Everyone’s on side and we can get rolling as soon as the orientation session happens.” Ashley turned to Janine and complimented her on her organization.

  “You are so right, Ashley. I couldn’t have managed without the heads-up Janine provided and it is such a relief to me to know you two have my back.”

  “No problemo, Capitaine!” The girls saluted, then fled as Caroline chased them around the garden and into the house.

  Chapter Twelve

  The orientation at Mayfield Manor went well. The group of students arrived promptly just before 5:00 pm and were shown around by Mary, after they had been officially welcomed by Eva Singh.

  Mary explained her safety concerns and got a laugh from the group when she said sternly that there would be no wheelchair races in the corridors.

  There were only a few residents in the lounge at the time, and Mary took the opportunity to introduce them to the students. Then she beckoned the group into a large laundry room nearby and began to tell them a little about the background stories of the seniors they had just met.

  Mary began with a serious warning, “Whatever I tell you, remains within these walls. I won’t be using any last names, but privacy is vital and I am onl
y revealing stuff about our residents so that you can get a sense of the tragedies that often bring these people here.

  The staff some-times make offhand remarks to each other about some of the residents but we never let any of them hear that kind of talk and I won’t tolerate it from any of you lot.”

  Mary looked around the group, making contact with each pair of eyes to ensure that her message was received and understood. The college kids nodded solemnly and looked at each other with raised eyebrows wondering what was to come next.

  “Robert, the elderly gentleman in the wheelchair,” she began, “is here because he has no living relatives to care for him. He was sharing a house with an older sister but she died suddenly and he lost his family, his home, and his beloved dog all in one fell swoop. Naturally this was a huge mental shock and he is only just recovering.”

  Caroline made a note that this gentleman would be a good candidate for a pet visit.

  Mary’s matter-of-fact delivery added to the impact of the brief descriptions she gave. Caroline could see the students were giving her their full attention as she continued.

  “You would all have noticed Sandra, the younger lady in the rather strange clothing who was washing cups at the service area. She is an early-onset dementia case. She has a sister who visits some weekends and the two look alike but there the resemblance ends. Our resident can behave very oddly at times and she would not be safe out in society. We are a familiar place for her but she does spiral out of control at times. If you see something happening you can’t handle, don’t try to cope on your own. You have mobile phones with you. Our manager has told you to keep them switched off when you are inside the building, but make sure you have our office number and get help quickly by phone when you need to.”

  Mary took a breath and wondered how much more she should say to the group. She could tell that some faces were already registering shock.

  “The older lady, Jane, sitting quietly in the hallway will come and talk to you when you are in the lounge area. She never moves far from the front door. She will ask you to open the door so she can go out to spend the day with her son. She can be quite persuasive and will describe the car that is waiting for her in the parking lot. Only Caroline Fenton has the code for that door.