Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating

by Michelle May M. D.

  While other people admire your willpower and self-control, many of your thoughts, feelings, and activities revolve around food, exercise, and weight. Although you’re dependent on rules to drive your eating cycle, those rules mainly focus on food and exercise without adequately addressing why you want to eat in the first place. For many people, the rules consume their energy and distract them from meeting their true physical and emotional needs and living life to its fullest.

  The Eat-Repent-Repeat Cycle

  Most people have difficulty maintaining willpower indefinitely and thus switch back and forth between restrictive eating and overeating. When you’re being “good” you start to feel deprived. When you “cheat,” you feel guilty. The result is yo-yo dieting and weight cycling—you eat, repent, and then repeat the pattern all over again.

  MINDFUL MOMENT: In the eat-repent-repeat cycle, when you eat what you want, you feel guilty; when you eat what you “should,” you feel deprived. Either way, you’re almost never at peace with your choices.

  The image of a yo-yo perfectly illustrates these drastic shifts in eating behavior resulting from a pattern that psychologists call dichotomous thinking. Thinking in extremes—black or white, all or nothing, good and bad, in control or out of control—is a common mind trap that keeps you stuck in old patterns because there is no middle ground or gray areas. And like a yo-yo, it’s one extreme or the other because a yo-yo can’t stop in the middle. You’re either tightly wound up in rules or you’re unraveling—overeating or bingeing, and heading toward an emotional bottom again.

  HUNGRY FOR ANSWERS

  Perhaps you hadn’t realized that this vicious cycle actually had a name. Maybe you knew there was something wrong but you didn’t know what to do about it. You may have said, “If I knew, I’d just stop.” This is where mindfulness comes in. But what is mindfulness?

  Mindfulness is simply deliberate awareness of the present moment without judgment. When you pause to observe what is happening right now—as if in slow motion—you not only have an opportunity to better understand why you do what you do, but you can choose your actions rather than continue to react (re-act) out of habit. Instead of trying to stay in control, then subsequently losing control, mindfulness helps you pause so you are in charge.

  Mindfulness helps you recognize, then change, problematic extreme thinking. Instead of a yo-yo, think of a pendulum swinging gently back and forth. As less energy is given to restrictive eating and binge eating, the pendulum gradually slows down so the extremes aren’t as great and the arc gets smaller. As you discover a balance in the middle between the extremes, you’ll gain the freedom to eat what you love, the awareness to eat what your body needs, the mindfulness to love what you eat, and the desire to meet your other needs in ways more satisfying than eating.

  Learning to Eat Mindfully

  We’ll use the Mindful Eating Cycle throughout the remaining chapters to help you resolve binge eating and recurrent dieting, and restore your instinctive ability to manage your eating.

  Instead of following strict rules created by experts, this process will show you how to become the expert and how to use the fundamental information delivered by your hunger cues to determine when, what, and how much you need to eat. You’ll also begin to understand the reasons you binge and what to do about it. You’ll discover that it’s possible to balance eating for nourishment with eating for enjoyment. There won’t be any more good or bad foods to worry about. You won’t be told to eliminate the foods you love. And you won’t need an endless supply of willpower and self-control. Eating will become pleasurable again, free from guilt and bingeing.

  Most important, you’ll understand what other needs you’ve been trying to satisfy by eating. You’ll learn to meet those needs in positive and constructive ways so food can consistently serve its proper function—to nourish you and fuel your fulfilling life.

  Like Connie, you won’t feel out of control or need to be in control—because you’ll be in charge.

  What a difference! I don’t think about food all the time anymore. I pay attention to what my body needs and I usually eat when I’m hungry. I haven’t binged in months. I still overeat now and then—but doesn’t everybody?

  I realize now that I was bingeing to manage my energy and emotions. My intentions were good but I was hurting myself even more. I guess I always knew that—but until I learned about mindful eating, I just didn’t know what to do to stop it. Now I have ways to deal with whatever life throws at me. I’m not afraid anymore. I am in charge of my eating and my life.

  MINDFUL MOMENT: When you eat mindfully, you eat what you love, but you don’t obsess about food because you don’t need to. Instead, you trust your body to let you know when and how much to eat.

  THE GREY AREA

  CALMING YOURSELF WITH MINDFULNESS

  As you begin to explore your relationship with food and your body, you may find that a lot of thoughts and feelings come up or you may notice that you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Be gentle with yourself! Pause and practice one of the following strategies to help you calm yourself and focus your thoughts.

  Mindful Breathing

  Mindful breathing is a simple and powerful technique for calming yourself down when you’re experiencing strong emotions. It can be done anywhere, anytime.

  This mindful breathing technique is sometimes called “four square breathing.”

  •Begin breathing through your nose, filling your lungs fully to the count of four (or whatever feels comfortable for you) until your belly is extended.

  •Hold your breath at the top of your inhale for the count of four.

  •Exhale to the count of four by letting the air release, pushing your diaphragm down in order to empty your lungs of as much residual air as possible.

  •Hold your breath at the bottom of your exhale for the count of four.

  •Continue breathing like this: Inhale-2-3-4. Hold-2-3-4. Exhale-2-3-4. Hold-2-3-4.

  •Repeat this cycle four times.

  The reason to focus your awareness on counting is two-fold: 1) It will help occupy your mind, and when your mind begins to wander, you will gently and deliberately begin to count in rhythm to your breath. 2) Counting paces you so you won’t hyperventilate and become lightheaded. Feel free to adjust the count of the inhales, exhales, and/or the hold so you feel comfortable. As you get into a rhythm, you might begin to visualize your breathing as full body breathing—pulling in air through your body and down to your toes, then exhaling by pushing air out of your body from your toes up.

  Mindful Focus

  When you want to take a break from your thoughts and feelings, mindfully shift your attention from an internal stimulus to an external stimulus as an effective way to ground yourself in your surroundings.

  •With your eyes open, begin by taking a few deep, belly breaths.

  •Become aware of your senses by asking yourself:

  What do I see? Colors, objects . . .

  What do I hear? Sounds like a clock ticking, furnace running, kids playing . . .

  What do I smell? New carpet, fabric softener …

  What do I taste? Toothpaste, something I recently ate or drank…

  What do I feel? The chair supporting me, cool air, my hands in my lap…

  •Next focus your eyes on an object in the room.

  •Notice its shape and color.

  •Wonder how much it weighs.

  •Describe the object to yourself in as much detail as possible, as if you were seeing it for the very first time. This is called “beginner’s mind.”

  •If your mind wanders from the object (and it probably will), gently return your focus to the object without judging or criticizing yourself

  Mindful Vacation

  Visualization can be used as a relaxation technique and as a way to return to a sense of peace. For example, if you wanted to take a mini-vacation and go to the beach for a few minutes, you’d enlist all of your senses to take you there. What do you see at the beac
h? How does it smell? What do you hear? How does the sand, sun, and air feel? Can you taste the salt in your mouth from the mist?

  Mindfulness Meditation

  Meditation will help you feel calmer and more focused, though it may take practice to experience this benefit. In fact, many people say they can’t meditate because their mind just goes “a mile-a-minute.” That’s what minds usually do! One of the main benefits of learning to meditate is to learn how to tame this habitual thinking. With regular practice, you’ll find it easier to slow down and tune in. You may even discover the peace, wisdom, creativity, and connection that exists in the space between your thoughts. Below are a few tips for beginning a meditation practice. You may also find it helpful to use recordings of guided meditation, or meditate with a group or a teacher.

  •Choose a quiet place, turn off your phone, and eliminate other distractions.

  •Sit in a comfortable position in a chair, on the floor, or on a cushion.

  •Allow your eyes to softly close to tune out the external environment.

  •Turn your attention to your breathing. Breathe naturally, preferably through your nose, and become aware of the sensation of the breath as it moves in and out of your nostrils. Concentrate on your breath to the exclusion of everything else.

  •You will likely notice that thoughts come up; allow them to float by (more on this in The Grey Area: Watching Thoughts in chapter 4). When your mind wanders or follows thoughts, gently return your focus to the breath. Repeat this as many times as needed until the mind settles on the breath.

  •You can also experiment with visualizing yourself inhaling calm and exhaling stress, or breathing in peace then breathing that peace out into the world.

  •Another meditation technique is to repeat a sound such as “Om” or a mantra or saying, such as “All is well.”

  •If meditating with your eyes closed is challenging at first, you can focus your attention on a candle, a flower, or an object or symbol that has meaning to you.

  •Start with 5-minute meditation sessions and work your way up to 20 to 30 minutes.

  CHAPTER 2

  TRUST YOUR BODY WISDOM

  Kurt began nearly every day determined to master his body.

  I know I’m supposed to eat breakfast but I am not that hungry in the morning. Besides, last night was a disaster—again! The day started out fine. I had to be in to work early for an international call, so as usual, I just grabbed a large black coffee at the drive-through. My call ran long so I was running late for my next appointment. Luckily someone brought in bagels, so I ate breakfast in the car around ten o’clock. I worked through lunch and picked up another large coffee on my way to my late afternoon meeting on the other side of town. I was in a bad mood and I got a monster headache in the middle of the meeting. Needless to say, the meeting didn’t go well.

  I was as grouchy and as hungry as a bear by the time I walked in the door at seven. I popped open a beer, reheated some chili, and collapsed on the couch to relax and eat my dinner in front of the TV. Things went downhill from there. I had a second bowl of chili and opened a bag of chips—big mistake! Almost a whole bag of chips and two beers later, I fell asleep with the TV still blaring. When I woke up at 2:30 and stumbled to bed, I thought, “Maybe tomorrow will be better.”

  Emotional eating, yo-yo dieting, negative body image, and other influences may have disconnected you from the information your body feeds to you at all times—your body wisdom. Reconnection with this powerful source of information is crucial for resolving binge eating, responding to your needs without turning to food, and healing your relationship with your body.

  It may be difficult for you to fathom the possibility that you can learn to trust yourself. That’s understandable; many of the people we’ve worked with feel that their body has betrayed them—or that they have betrayed their body. In fact, you may already know more information about nutrition, exercise, and what you “should” do to take care of your body than does the average person; after all, you’ve tried everything. But wisdom is not just knowledge. It is experience. This chapter will guide you through the process of getting back in touch with your body and learning to trust it again.

  WHEN DO I WANT TO EAT?

  Physical Hunger

  The next four chapters are devoted to the “When” part of the Mindful Eating Cycle to help you respond mindfully whenever you feel like eating. Being in charge starts with learning to tell the difference between wanting to eat and needing to eat so you can decide how you’ll respond.

  AM I HUNGRY?

  The sensations of hunger and satiety are the simplest, yet most powerful tools for reconnecting yourself with your instinctive ability to know what your body needs. When you’re hungry, eating is more pleasurable and satisfying—hunger is the best seasoning! Learning to recognize hunger before you’re famished can help prevent overeating. Besides, it’s easier to stop eating when you trust that you’ll eat again when you are hungry.

  Hunger is helpful because your body needs a lot less food to meet its fuel requirements than it takes to calm you down or escape from uncomfortable feelings. Think about it. If you aren’t hungry when you start eating, how do you know when to stop? The only way to feel fully satisfied with food is to eat because your body needs it. When you’re mindful of your body’s signals of satiety, you enjoy feeling comfortable instead of miserable after eating.

  By relearning how to trust your body wisdom, you’ll discover your own internal guide for when, what, and how much to eat. Our goal is to help you lose your obsessions with food, dieting, and your weight without giving you a long list of rules to follow. This should come as a relief.

  It may feel scary too. You may be asking yourself questions like these: “If I don’t have strict rules about eating, won’t I lose control? If an outside ‘expert’ doesn’t tell me, how will I know what to do? How will I know when to stop?”

  These thoughts stem from the fear of losing control. But remember, you don’t need to be in control; you need to be in charge. As you learn to trust yourself, you’ll gain the skills and confidence to make decisions no matter what the circumstances. In other words, you’ll gradually become an expert in you. After all, it’s your body, your mind, and your life. Aren’t you the best person to make decisions about how you should eat? That starts with learning to use one of your most important tools: hunger.

  Hunger Is a Primitive Instinct

  Hunger and the instinctual drive to satisfy hunger are essential for survival. Hunger is a primitive yet reliable way of signaling the body’s need for food and regulating your nutritional intake. Hunger and satiety are caused by complex biological pathways, but simply put, hunger is your body’s natural way of telling you that you need fuel.

  Consider a newborn baby. Within hours, she lets her caregivers know she’s hungry by crying. When she’s fed and her tummy is satisfied, her cries are soothed until she gets hungry again and the cycle repeats itself. Obviously, a baby also cries for many other reasons, but if you try to feed her (instead of changing her, holding her, or warming her), she’ll spit out the nipple and turn away from the food. Soon, her attentive caregiver learns the meaning of her different cries and tries to satisfy each of them appropriately.

  As a baby grows and begins to eat solid food, she lets you know when she’s full by turning away from the spoon—or spitting the food back at you if you force the food in anyway. As a toddler, she seems to be in perpetual motion exploring her new world. She barely stops long enough to eat a handful of crackers here and a few slices of banana there. She never stops to ask the question, “Am I hungry?” yet somehow manages to eat enough to grow and maintain and thrive.

  MINDFUL MOMENT: If you aren’t hungry when you start eating, how will you know when to stop?

  If food is readily available and she’s able to eat when she’s hungry, she trusts she’ll get what she needs. At the same time, her body trusts that there is enough fuel around, resulting in an active metabolism that burns en
ergy freely as needed for survival, growth, and activity. Besides, she’s too busy exploring and playing to bother thinking about food and eating until hunger tells her to.

  As she grows she is gradually given more responsibility for what she eats, but she continues to use her instinctive signals to tell her when and how much to eat.

  How You Lost Touch with Your Body Wisdom

  Internal and external influences may have caused your natural system of regulating your food intake to go haywire. Whether you’re aware of them or not, past experiences and associations strongly affect how you eat in the present.

  For example, parents want to meet their child’s basic nutritional needs, but their beliefs and customs may lead them to feed her in a way that doesn’t respect her instinctive ability to know when and how much to eat. This can set the stage for eating problems in the future.

  If well-intentioned parents insist on feeding their daughter every time she cries, she learns that eating can soothe any discomfort. Once she’s old enough to sit at the table, they serve the amount of each food they think she needs because they want her to eat a balanced diet. Then they urge her to eat everything, telling her to “be a good girl and clean your plate.” This teaches the child to ignore the physical discomfort of being too full in favor of winning her parents’ approval. Sometimes pressuring children to eat certain types and amounts of food backfires, and the dinner table becomes a battleground of intense power struggles.