A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  The elevator doors pinged open and my willpower snapped back as my mind awoke. I shoved against Stefan’s chest without a second thought and as he stood there breathlessly our actions sunk in. His expression morphed from lust to fear to rage.

  “Damnit!” He yelled, chastising himself. “God, please Grey, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

  My chest heaved as I assessed the last few minutes. This wasn’t all his fault. I drove here. I flirted incessantly and I kissed him back. He may have egged it on, but I was the instigator.

  “I do.” I answered. “We can’t just be near each other without our senses running wild.”

  “I’m trying.” He pleaded with me. I saw his fear take over. He reached out for me but I backed away.

  “I know you are, Stef. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I’m just…confused. I don’t know.” Stefan’s face showed genuine bewilderment.

  My head hurt with the overwhelming emotions swirling around. “Why did I come?” I looked to him but the question was meant only for myself.

  “Because…” He searched his mind for an answer. “Because we’re friends, Grey.”

  “No, I’ve never gone to see Kacie or Tyler and had a reaction anywhere near as intense as this.”

  “What are you saying?”

  Shaking my head I looked back into his face. “I don’t know, but I have to go home and clear my head.”

  I moved back into the far corner of the elevator; trying to close myself off to his touch as much as I possibly could.

  “Please, don’t go.”

  Looking square into his heartbroken expression I replied, “This isn’t goodbye, Stefan.”

  I stepped to the threshold and reached across, slowly tracing my fingers down his face. His eyelids fluttered as he forced himself to keep them open.

  Backing away I pushed the button to the first floor and as the doors began to close I whispered, “I promise.”

  What the hell was that?

  What was I doing? Stefan being in my life was something that wouldn’t change. Not because I couldn’t get rid of him, because I didn’t want to let him go. It felt right to have him back. The world felt right. The feeling soothed my soul and the force his presence gave had the power to move the stars. The veil had been lifted from my eyes, and now being blissful in ignorance was no longer an option. Before Stefan came back I could just pretend the tragedies in my past were only bad dreams. There was no way to return to that mindset after the shadows faded away; shining light on all that was meant to stay hidden.

  It was my fault and it was my duty to correct it. I wouldn’t let our ending come if there was still a chance to salvage our middle.

  Curled up in bed I sent two final messages before turning my phone off for the night.

  Me: Hope work is treating you well, baby. I miss you very much and can’t wait to have you next to me in bed tomorrow night. Goodnight. Love you!

  Me: Stef, please, don’t take this out on yourself. I’m not. This was my fault and I want to keep you in my life as my friend. I need you and I love being able to talk to you and see you whenever I want. We just need boundaries. I’d like to see you again, but not tomorrow. I need to get my head on straight. But soon. I promise.

  Getting my head on straight the following day at work didn’t necessarily happen. I waited for Stefan to appear, even though he specifically said in his text that morning, that he promised to stay away until I said. Just as long as I promised it wasn’t my way of just getting rid of him. I had assured him I would not do that to him especially not in that way. None of that stopped my attention from fixating on the clock at least a hundred times before noon.

  The others asked about where Stefan was, and if something had happened. Keeping my answer from becoming flustered and incoherent was an even greater challenge than not watching the time. Some questions required only a simple answer, but no answer was that effortless when it came to the Brooks’ sisters. Despite the few dodgy glances between them when a response became complicated, things were alright.

  The best part was I didn’t have to return to an empty house when my shift ended. Richard and I had a delightful evening; including dinner, and catching up on how our days had been going. We even decided to watch one of the movies we never got around to watching after buying it.

  Friday morning I woke up planning to spend my entire day doing whatever Richard wanted. It didn’t matter if it was going on a walk, for a drive, or even just napping. Just as long as I gave him the time I should every chance we had. Instead, I learned he had a brunch planned with old med school buddies. He anticipated it taking a few hours at the least, and even though he neglected to put it on our calendar, I didn’t throw a fit.

  There was only one thing that genuinely bothered me about the entire thing. Never once did he ask me if I wanted to join him. Of course I would never fully understand all the inside jokes, or the more technical terms they were likely to use. None of that mattered to me, I only wanted to be included. Richard was honest and faithful but sometimes the biggest problem we had was his natural reaction to forget me completely during the little pieces of his life.

  It had been this way since we first began dating though. So, at this point, it wasn’t right for me to huff about it.

  Instead of sulking I opted to have lunch with a friend as well. If Stefan was around, he would be my buddy, if not I’d just eat alone. Either way, I would pick up enough for the both of us, and eat with him right there at his desk if he had the time. The setting would be in an excessively staffed building, in a massive office with windows all over the place. There was no better place to insure our friendship remained…friendly.

  Stefan had already brought burgers the couple times we ate together, so I decided on tacos. Of course I remembered the little things I knew he once preferred—extra cheese, light on the lettuce, heavy on the hot sauce—but it was possible those preferences changed. Just to be sure I didn’t leave him with nothing he would enjoy, I selected a variety of things from the menu.

  The bag holding my copious amounts of chips and tacos ended up being the size of a paper grocery bag. It may have been possible that I bought just a little too much—oh well. One way or another, it would be eaten.

  I parked in the front spot again, and this time wasn’t shooed away by the guard. This time he waved at me and made polite conversation as I made my way inside. I filed into the elevator with a few other people, and felt my stomach swirl around as the memories from the last time I was here rushed back. It took more energy than I anticipated, but I somehow managed to push the nerves and butterflies away. After the last person stepped out I pushed the button for Stefan’s floor and almost instantly felt the tracks pull the box up.

  I waved at the receptionists, making sure to beam even brighter at Amanda’s aggravated expression. Before I reached the handle on the office door it swung wide open. Stefan watched me with a growing smirk on his face.

  “Are you bringing me groceries?”

  I ignoring his teasing and walked past him through the door. “If you tease me, I won’t share. Then you’ll have to just sit and watch me eat tacos in front of you.”

  “You brought tacos??” His interest piqued. Suddenly he was at my side, grabbing the bag from my hands. Just as I had originally envisioned we set lunch up right at his desk, as if we had done it a thousand times before.

  My relief that the relationship between us hadn’t change because of what happened was indescribable. It scared me to imagine letting him go again, but knowing that things were okay made me feel entirely relieved.

  Stefan’s noisy symphony of pleased moans as he chewed his first bite, brought me from any worried thoughts.

  “Did I do okay?” I asked, even though my answer was already heard—loud and clear.

  Stefan nodded extravagantly. “Damn good. Where the hell did you get these?” I peeked at the take-out bag and realized there was no logo from the restaurant; and the receipt had been safely stowed away.
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  “I’m not telling you, because then you’d be able to get them whenever you want. This will only be as good if you are only able to eat it every now and again, if I pick it up.”

  Taking another monstrous bite his eyes rolled back into his head. “Fine, but if you come by I’m not approving your elevator request if you don’t have one of these bad boys with you as payment.”

  A fit of giggles erupted from my chest, as I joined him in eating my first. We ate in near silence with only air-light topics the ones we brought up. It was clear that I wasn’t the only one trying to keep things as informal between us as possible. Eventually we reached the point that even thinking of a taco made us sick. We have always had overeating tendencies where we knew we were full, but just couldn’t put it down. This had to be one of the most filling instances thus far. I couldn’t shake the feeling our need to eat until we burst was due to the conversation that awaited us when we were done.

  We wanted to be cautious and we wanted to make it work. But neither of us knew the way to do it.

  “Thank you, Grey. Those were the best tacos I’ve ever had. I’m happy I got to see you for a bit too.” His typically attentive nature slid away, as his eyes darted from one thing to the other. Letting our eyes only linger together for a brief moment. This was what we had to have, but it just felt so wrong.

  “Stef, I want things to be normal with us again. Without the…” I let the sentence trail off. Stefan nodded in his understanding, and that was all I needed. “I will be devastated if we become forced, or robotic. That has never been us.”

  He sighed, meeting my focus. “No, it hasn’t. I don’t want that either Grey, but I want to show that I’m respecting you. From the first day we met I’ve been able to touch you, hold you, and put my arm around you. All as I saw fit. We could joke around one entire day but that night we could still feel that fire between us. It doesn’t matter that six years passed that we were last together. Those natural tendencies are still there. And I just want to find the balance between lovers and friends.”

  “That is exactly what I want. I understand the sudden need to reach out and grab my hand because I have those feelings too. We just have to work at keeping the touches to a safe friendly amount.”

  “We can do this.”

  “We can.” I smiled. The sincerity in his eyes and the curves of his lips warmed my soul. Stefan meant every word he said and in the end, that was all I desired. Together we could work this out and that was a dazzling thought.

  As the next week passed, everything only got better.

  Every day the routines stayed the same; I spent my lunch hours with Stefan and my evenings with Richard. The extra effort we put into keeping our relationship light was working immensely. We still sat next to each other in the break room, and if we took a little walk around the neighborhood he’d sling an arm around my shoulders. He said hello and goodbye with a hug that never lingered too long, or even had the hint of expecting anything more.

  On Thursday we drove to a nearby park and ate at the picnic tables while the sun shone brightly down upon us. My heart fluttered the way the sun caught the endless shades of blue in his eyes. Stefan’s phone was set on some music playlist that offered a little background noise. One song began and Stefan’s aura radiated with euphoria. The music was set so low I hardly ever noticed it. He picked up the phone, restarted the song and turned the volume to its peak. Setting the phone back he held down his hand to me.

  I eyed it suspiciously, but Stefan absolutely glowed with delight and there was no way I could say no. I was on my feet and suddenly held in his arms in a slow dance, moving back and forth.

  “Stefan?”

  “Shhh, just listen. I love this song.”

  I stopped talking and let him lead us in a gracefully playful dance. He twirled me out, and spun me back in. My cheeks stung with the never relenting smile in place. Stefan’s grin never dropped either and for five minutes we did nothing but dance, and stare. The melody was coming to an end; when I twisted back into his arms for the final time, I caught the tail end look of melancholy. He recovered again with a smile, but this one didn’t make him shine like the others. I didn’t understand what was happening but I couldn’t bear to imagine the thoughts racing through his mind that brought that reaction around.

  I laid my chin against his shoulder and let the music come to a close; with nothing but the feeling of our bodies dancing together.

  Friday was a morning filled with debate for me. I wanted to go to Stefan with lunch again but that downhearted expression upon his face haunted my thoughts. It was impossible to shake the feeling that something was off. My willpower unsuccessfully managed to stay away and for the most part the meal went well.

  Right before I had to say goodbye that look came back. Organizing a few papers on his desk he was able to shield it a bit, but I still saw. He didn’t know I was watching and that made me unable to turn away. The week had been wonderful, at least I thought so. I was seeing now though that maybe that perception wasn’t returned. I had to make that pain fade away and in a rash decision asked if he wanted to go to the Farmer’s market with me Saturday afternoon. The depths of his misery eased up—somewhat—at least he still agreed.

  We planned for him to pick me up from my house at 11:00 the next morning. By then Richard would be at work for his next 30-hour shift and we had the whole day to walk about together.

  The second I was in Stefan’s car I had almost immediately noticed a complete 180 from yesterday. The melancholy was no longer prominent, and playfulness took over. Changing the radio stations from his song to mine had us laughing like school children. Reaching my hand across to unclick his seat belt immediately, bringing out obnoxiously persistent little beeps. He cast me an unimpressed glare that had me cracking up even more each time. In the middle of my fun and games my cell phone buzzed with an incoming call. The air in the car quickly filled with the tension as we both expected the same person—Richard.

  A shaky glance later and I practically sighed with relief that the call was only my mother.

  Stefan grinned wickedly. “My turn to have some fun.”

  “Don’t you dare!” I mouthed out with my most terrifying glower. “Hi mom.” I answered.

  “Greyson, where are you? Please tell me you’re on your way to the bridal shop!”

  The instant I started talking, Stefan reached over and pinched the exact spot on my side that tickled me the most. “Headed to the…farmer’s market.” My breath caught and I tried to jump away from Stefan’s touch. “Why would I go there?”

  “Greyson Rose Desmond, tell me you are joking right now.”

  I opened my mouth to respond and Stefan’s fingers poked my hip, just below by rib cage and directly below my bra strap. It honestly amazed me that he remembered my prime tickly points. I became breathless trying to avoid him, not laugh out loud, and hold a conversation with my mother.

  “I’m not, mom.” Breathe, jump, smack Stefan’s hand. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?”

  “You are supposed to get your dress today! I paid extra for the minimal alterations to be rushed. You go in and try it on and make sure it is perfect! It damn well better be but you still need to get there and be sure. You’ll leave today with the dress if it is as it should be. Oh, and don’t worry about the payment, they have your father’s credit card information.”

  I reached out and grabbed Stefan’s wrist. He stopped playing immediately and mouthed the word, what. Holding up a finger to him to wait, I returned to my mother.

  “I can’t go today, mom. Can’t I go tomorrow? I don’t remember you talking about this before. Are you already there??”

  “Well, you have no choice. They are closed tomorrow and they have many appointments this week. It is peak bridal season, you know. You need to be there within ten minutes and try to make someone go with you to be sure it is right. Your father refuses to let me leave the house.”

  Stefan pulled the car over to the side of the
road and watched with nervous curiosity as I desperately tried to get out of this. “Why mom??” Panic bubbled up and suddenly I felt like I was about to begin hyperventilating.

  “Oh, he claims I have a stomach flu, but it’s just a little indigestion.”

  I knew my mother better than I cared to admit sometimes. She frequently claimed to be in perfect health when something drastic was wrong. When she was in labor with my brother she put off going to the hospital for so long. He ended up being born just thirty minutes after she was on the hospital bed.

  “What does a little indigestion mean?”

  “Oh I don’t know, your father thinks it is food poisoning from our dinner last night. It’s his fault though, he picked somewhere new and now I am paying the price!”

  “Mother! Yes, please, listen to dad! Stay in bed and try to get better, don’t blame him. I promise I will be at the shop in ten minutes.”

  “Thank you, Grey. Please let me know when you are done. Keep me posted!”

  “Will do. Listen to dad.” I reiterated before hanging up.

  This was not okay. I couldn’t just reschedule and I absolutely could not bring Stefan along. Being friends was one thing, but making him come along to watch me try on my wedding dress to marry Richard was unbelievably wrong.

  “What’s going on, Grey? Is everything okay?”

  “Yes…no.” My flustered mind couldn’t decide which.

  “That’s not helpful.” He said with a single dry laugh. It was obvious he knew something was up but didn’t know exactly what it was.

  “Well, um, I need you to drop me off somewhere. You can just leave after…I’ll take a cab home.” I refused to meet his eyes and instead focused on the chipping pink nail polish on my fingers.

  “Grey, what is going on? Where do you need to go?”