Fluidity (Hearts Not Parts Collection Book 2)

by E. M. Leya

  Lying in his old bedroom seemed to make everything more real. He couldn't distance himself from the reality or the pain that he was losing his parents. He was going to be alone soon. It was one of the few times he wished he had brothers or sisters around so he wouldn't be the only one.

  His phone buzzed and he nearly fell out of his bed as he reached for it. His heart suddenly racing. He couldn't hit the button to read the message fast enough once he saw Ax's name appear.

  I'm just getting off work. Need to shower. Can I come over after if you're free?

  Les took a deep breath as he responded. I'm staying the night with my parents, but you can come here if you don't mind.

  It was nearly ten minutes before a response came. Sorry, was driving. I can come over if it's not a problem. Don't want to cause issues.

  Les smiled. No issues. Talking more important than anything. Thank you for giving me a chance to explain. He quickly sent the address.

  Be there in 30. Ax sent back.

  It was the longest thirty minutes Les ever waited. After warning his parents he had a friend stopping by, he paced in the kitchen, trying to figure out exactly how he could convince Ax that the kiss hadn't been his choice. He had to make him see the truth. Losing him wasn't an option.

  When he finally saw Ax's car pull up in front of the house, it was all he could do not to run outside and jump into his arms. Les forced himself to calm down as he opened the door as Ax made his way up the front sidewalk.

  "Hey, thanks for coming over." Les smiled as he stared at Ax, taking in his long blond hair as it fell over his shoulders. He wore a baggy pair of basketball shorts, showing off those great legs. Les fisted his hands at his side to keep from reaching out as Ax stepped in front of him.

  "No problem. Hope everything is okay here. I was worried when you said you were staying the night." Ax stopped less than a foot from Les and shoved his hands in his pockets as if he was also trying to keep from touching him.

  Ax's concern was sweet. The fact he was worried about Les gave him hope things might work out. "My mom has taken a turn for the worse." Les tried to keep his voice even, not wanting Ax to catch how much it really bothered him. "Why don't we go out back and talk. I'll grab us a couple beers." He stepped back and let Ax inside.

  "Sounds good." He moved inside and stood back as Les shut the door.

  "How are you?" Les asked as he made his way to the kitchen.

  "Okay. Work's been busy. I had to stay late to finish a job today." Ax leaned against the doorway.

  "Your ribs healing?"

  "Still hurts to lean over the cars for long periods of time, but other than that…" He shrugged. "I try not to think about it."

  Les handed him a beer. "We can sit in the backyard. No one will bother us. My dad fell asleep right after dinner, and Mom, well, I'm not even sure she remembers I'm here tonight. I just need to keep an eye out so she doesn't wander off."

  Ax frowned. "I didn't know she'd gotten that bad."

  "Just happened today." Les led them out the back door to the small patio. "I got a call at work this morning that just after my dad left for chemo, she tried to take the car somewhere. She crashed it into the light pole two houses down."

  "Shit. Is she okay?" Ax sat in a chair next to Les.

  "Just a bump on the head luckily. It's like someone hit a switch and turned her mind off. She knows who I am, but keeps forgetting I'm here." Les twisted the cap off his beer and took a long drink.

  "I'm sorry. I know that can't be easy." Ax reached out as if he was going to touch Les's arm, but then drew his hand back. "Can I do anything to make this easier?"

  Les looked up, meeting his gaze. "You can tell me we aren't over." Having Ax by his side through all this would make things much easier.

  Ax blew out a long breath. "I was so hurt when I walked in and saw that."

  "I know, and I'm sorry it happened, sorry you saw it happen. Jeff—"

  "Jeff came to see me at work today."

  "He did?" Les was surprised.

  "I didn't even know he remembered what I did for a living. I was shocked to see him." Ax twisted the beer bottle in his hands. "Anyway, he tried to explain what I walked in on."

  Hope flowed through Les as he stared at Ax. "And?"

  "And I'd like to hear your version."

  That was all he'd ever wanted. A chance to explain. "I don't even know what happened honestly. He admitted he had feelings for me. Wanted to know if I had any for him. I said I didn't see him as anything more than a friend. Then, out of nowhere, one minute we were talking and the next he pushed me up against the fridge and kissed me. That's when you walked in. I was trying to push him off me. I didn't kiss him, Ax. You have to believe me. I would never do that. I'd never hurt you that way."

  Ax nodded as he took a drink. His expression was impossible to read as he stared over the yard.

  "I tried to run after you and explain, but you were gone. I swear I had no idea Jeff felt that way. I was shocked when he said he wanted me." Les reached over and gripped Ax's arm. "I swear I didn't want that kiss. I don't want anyone but you."

  "You're not curious what other men might be like?" Ax glanced over at him.

  "God no. Hell, I'm not even attracted to other men. You are the first, and if I have my way, the only. I don't want anyone else. I want you." Les took a deep breath. "I hate that this happened. I hate that you doubt my feelings for you. I hate being apart."

  Ax whispered, "me too."

  What did that mean for them? Les set his beer on the small table and went to his knees in front of Ax, bracing his hands on his legs as he stared up at him. "I don't want this to end between us. The last few weeks have been amazing. I know we haven't really been together a long time, but it feels like we have. It feels as if I've known you forever. I've fallen in love with you already."

  Ax's eyes went wide as he stared down at Les.

  "I know it's crazy, but I do. I love you. I don't want this to end just because my roommate is an idiot. I didn't cheat on you, and I would never cheat on you." Les tightened his grip on Ax's legs. "Please don't let this end."

  Ax set his beer down on the table, then covered Les's hands with his own. "You aren't even sure you can be with a man. You've admitted your own worry about this. Even if I can get past seeing you with Jeff, how do I know you aren't going to hurt me again in a few weeks?"

  Panic surged through Les. "Then let's find out. I'm ready. If you're healed enough…" Les shrugged. "I never wanted to plan it, but maybe we should. Maybe we need to just do it and see if I freak out." He took a long breath. "Listen, after thinking it was over the last few days and knowing what it's like thinking I'd lost you, I don't think anything is going to get in the way of us now. Sex is something new for me, but I'm excited to be with you like that. I want everything with you. I want us together as a couple in every way. I don't want us wondering anymore. So, let's just plan a night and do it."

  Ax shook his head. "If I force you—"

  "How are you forcing me? I want this. Do you know how many nights I laid beside you in bed wondering if I dare push for more? The only thing that held me back was the fact that you were still recovering. I've fantasized about doing everything we can. It's time to make it a reality."

  "And if you hate it?"

  "Then we know, but I won't. I can't. I love you too much. It's only going to bring us closer." Les turned his hands over and linked his fingers with Ax.

  "And Jeff?" Ax looked at him hesitantly.

  "He can fuck off. I can hardly look at him after what he did. I'll move out. We can get our own place together if you want. I miss having you around."

  "He's your best friend."

  "No, he used to be. You're my best friend."

  "I don't want to get hurt."

  "Neither do I." Les stared into his eyes. "Being without you hurts. I'm so sorry for everything."

  Ax sighed. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I believe Jeff when he said he forced himself on you. I ju
st reacted, thinking you might be exploring. Trying to get experience so when we do... I should have known better. Trusted you."

  "I just wish the whole thing never happened." Les leaned his head down, resting it on Ax's lap. "Will you move back? Stay with me until we can find a place of our own if you want?"

  Ax's fingers combed through Les's hair. "You're sure?"

  Les raised up and met Ax's gaze. "More sure than I've ever been about anything."

  "Then yes, I'll move back, but I want us to find our own place. Either Jeff moves out soon or we find our own place. I can't live with him and wonder if he's still trying to get with you every time my back is turned."

  "I agree." He would do whatever it took to keep Ax in his life. "We can talk to him tomorrow and see what he's going to do. I'm so sorry all this happened. I never wanted to hurt you."

  "We'll work through it." Ax pulled one hand free and cupped Les's cheek. "How are you? This stuff with your mom can't be easy."

  Les pressed his face against Ax's palm, finding a calming from his touch. "It's not. It came out of nowhere. She was fine when Dad left for treatment this morning. There's not much I can do other than wait and see if she comes back around. The doctor said there would be good and bad days, but I'm so scared she'll stay like she is and I won't ever get her back the way she was."

  "You have to prepare for that. Today might not be the day, but it will happen. I know you don't want to hear that, but you have to be ready for it." Ax glanced back at the house. "How about your dad?"

  "He's weak and always tired. He tries to keep me positive, but I can see through it. He's worried. I don't think he thinks he'll recover from this. I worry he's keeping stuff from me." Les sighed. "If Mom gets worse, I'm not sure he can handle her."

  Ax frowned. "I hate seeing you have to go through this."

  "Thanks, but there's not much I can do but deal." Les sighed. "I'm just glad you're here. I was so worried I'd lost you. I couldn't think about anything else."

  "I'm here now, and as long as Jeff leaves us alone, we'll be okay. I hate coming between you and him, but I can't trust him."

  "Then trust me." Les stood, still holding one of Ax's hands. "Trust me to not be with anyone else. I agree Jeff needs to go. You're not coming between us. He made his choice when he tried to force himself on me. I can't say our friendship's over, but it's changed. You're the only one I want, Ax. There is no one else."

  "For now." Ax gave him a weak smile.

  "You really think this isn't going to last?"

  "It's too good to last. I want it to last. That's why it won't. My luck never goes my way. We're doomed from the start."

  Les released his hand and punched him playfully in the arm. "Don't doom us."

  Ax laughed as he pulled Les into a tight hug. "Can I kiss you?"

  "You have to ask?" Les looked up at him surprised.

  "You said your parents weren't okay with gay men."

  "My dad's asleep, and my mom won't remember if she did see us. Besides, I don't care. If they don't like it, we'll leave. I'm not hiding us. They accept this or I'm gone."

  "Good, because I've missed kissing you." Ax lowered his head and brought his lips hard against his.

  Les groaned, pressing even closer to Ax as he deepened the kiss and tasted the one he'd hungered for. His arms tightened around him, and he swore this time he would never let go. He would let nothing come between them again. It was too painful being apart.

  Ax broke the kiss and smiled. "I should go before this goes too far."

  "There is no such thing as too far."

  "There is when we are in your parents' backyard." Ax laughed. "I'll be back to the apartment tomorrow after work. We can figure it out from there." He brushed his fingers through Les's hair. "We've waited this long. Another day or two won't kill us."

  "You sure about that?" Les took a deep breath. "I wish I could leave tonight." He glanced at the house. "I just don't dare leave when Dad's so tired after chemo and Mom's so confused."

  "No, you belong here. I get that. It's where you need to be." Ax hugged him. "I'm going to my sister's, but I'll meet you after work at the apartment tomorrow. We can talk more then. Figure out what we need to do. Call me if you need to stay tomorrow too, or plans change."

  "I will. I asked him if he needed me to move in, but he didn't seem ready for that yet." Les cupped Ax's face. "Don't worry, I still want an apartment together. I may be here a lot, but I want our own place too."

  Ax smiled. "We'll talk about everything. I'm not rushing anything."

  Les nodded, but hated that Jeff's stupid actions had changed things so much between Ax and him. He wanted to know he could go home and find comfort in Ax's arms. He needed to know that they were going to make things work somehow.

  Sex would go a long way to reassuring them both that being together was right. If they got past that step, Les was sure everything else would fall into place.

  "I'm going to go. I'm tired and stink of grease. I just want a long, hot shower, and a comfortable bed." Ax leaned in and kissed him softly. "Are you going to be okay? You've had a long day too."

  Les nodded. "I have a feeling they are only going to get longer. I'm fine. Better now that we've talked. I couldn't think about anything else but making things right with you." He blew out a long breath. "I might be losing them, but I don't want to lose you too."

  Ax smiled. "I don't want this to end either, but we need to be sure of things, and we need to deal with Jeff." He brushed another kiss over Les's lips. "I'll see you after work tomorrow." He pulled away and turned to go inside.

  "I'll walk you out." Les stole one last kiss before turning to go inside. He wished they were leaving together, but as they made their way into the house, he sighed when he found his mother in the kitchen. She was baking something. "Mom?"

  "Oh, Les, when did you get here? Who's your friend?" She continued to mix whatever was in the bowl.

  "This is Ax." He placed a hand on Ax's shoulder. "What are you making?"

  "A cake for your father's birthday. I nearly forgot."

  Les took a deep breath. "Sounds good, Mom. I'm going to walk Ax out, then I'll come in and help."

  "Okay, honey. It was nice to meet you Ax." She smiled at them.

  Les led Ax out front before stopping and turning to him. "My Dad's birthday is in February."

  "That's not good." Ax frowned.

  "Nope. I'm starting to worry this might not be just a bad day."

  Ax pulled him into a hug. "I'm here to help you get through it. Go inside and help her. Maybe having you close will help her remember. I'll text you from work tomorrow." He kissed him before pulling back.

  "Thanks. I love you. Drive safe."

  Ax nodded. "I will. Night."

  As much as he wanted to beg Ax to stay, he'd already gotten more than he could hope for with him saying they weren't over. Things weren't perfect, but they were better. As he watched Ax drive off, he prayed that something in his life would just go right for a change.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Ax pulled up outside Les's apartment, tired and sore. He had spent the day bent at an abnormal angle to work on a car, and now, he just wanted to climb into bed and forget everything. He hadn't stopped thinking about Les and the situation they were in all day. He could forgive Les for Jeff kissing him. And yes, he was to the point that he really did believe that Jeff had forced the kiss, but there were still other issues. It wasn't just the sex like Les thought, but Ax needed to be sure that Les accepted him no matter what. It hadn't escaped Ax's notice that when Les had professed his love, he'd not only been dressed as a man, but covered in engine grease. But they had been alone. That meant that he needed to know that Les would hold him close and show affection in public, just like he did in private, no matter how he was dressed. There would be no point in trying if Les couldn't stand proudly beside him whether he was in male or female form.

  His emotions were too raw, and he was falling for Les too fast to not take a step bac
k now that he had the chance and reevaluate everything. There would be no point in trying if Les couldn't love him in male or female form. His heart told him that it would all be okay, but his mind sought out every past experience with other men and focused on how it all fell apart so easily. It was one thing to go hang out at the gun range, but he needed to know that Les could go out with him as a couple, not just two guys hanging out.

  Determined to figure everything out, he headed up to the apartment, debating for a second if he should knock or not, finally deciding that his things were inside, and he still officially was living there and to just go in.

  He hated that while walking through the door, the image of Les pressed up against the fridge kissing Jeff was still clear in his mind. Would he ever be able to walk in and not see that?

  "Hey." Jeff stepped out of the living room carrying a large box.

  "Hey." Ax debated on turning around and leaving. He didn't want Jeff around while he talked to Les.

  "I'm about to leave. I just wanted to get some packing done before Les got home. I didn't realize it was so late." Jeff set the box down on the entryway floor beside several others.

  "You're moving?" Ax tried not to smile at the news.

  "Yeah, figured it was best. I'm sure you two don't want me around, and Les deserves a chance at happiness. I'm going to take over the lease from that guy I was seeing. He's moving next week, so I can move right in." Jeff leaned against the wall. "I'm sorry about everything. I hope you know that. I fucked up and I know it."

  Ax nodded. What the hell was he supposed to say? Jeff was right, he had fucked up. "I'm glad you found a place so quickly."

  "So, will you still have issues if I try and stay friends with Les?"

  "Les can pick his own friends. I have no say. I won't give him a hard time if he chooses to keep hanging out with you, but I'm not going to get stuck in a war between you two. We both care for him."

  "But he only cares for you, at least in that way." Jeff shrugged. "I get it now. I won't get between you two again. I promise." He straightened. "Anyway, I'm going to go. I'll come back tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff." He grabbed his keys off the table. "I haven't told Les I'm leaving. You can let him know if you want or I'll call him tomorrow."