The Wrong Shade of Lipstick

by B. M. Hardin

  I guessed she and Zack had found some type of common ground after he had broken it off with Charlotte, and accepted the fact that I had married Levi. Levi also explained that he had only named the store Madison’s only because I had mentioned it a couple dozen of times before. He had never had the conversation with Charlotte; at least not the way I’d thought. And most of the conversations with Zack…had never transpired. Pretty much everything involving me and Madison…never happened. Except the night that I babysat her…it was as a favor for Zack.

  I was so confused.

  Talk about a hard pill to swallow.

  Anyway, I guessed that mentally painting my dead sister, Ashley’s face on Madison’s was my way of remembering bits and pieces of her. I still couldn’t remember that day exactly how mama described it, but since she had mentioned it, I had more and more visions of my deceased sister and the times that we shared.

  My drowning experience must have in some way been me experiencing what I had done to her; the song that mama had mentioned me humming and singing that day, was the same one that I had heard that night on Valentine’s Day in the bath tub. As I thought about what I had done, all I could feel was remorse and disgust. I couldn’t believe I could have done such a thing; and to my own sister. I forced myself to look at my baby sister, Charlotte, who had calmed down and was now softly crying beside me.

  She cried similar to a kitten that had gotten away from its mother and couldn’t remember how to get home.

  I wanted to hug her and comfort her; after all, I was all she had left. But my body and my mind couldn't seem to get on the same page. I couldn't seem to move.

  My body was stiff and I felt as though I was having an outer body experience. Finding out that I was sick was still hard for me to accept. I had started taking medication and every pill I took reminded me that something was wrong with me. I felt so ashamed and of course all kinds of guilty.

  Had I never been sick none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn't have drowned my sister, daddy wouldn't have hated me my whole life and my mama wouldn't lying in front of me; now six feet under, in a all white dress; resting comfortably and eternally in a beautiful self-selected cream colored casket.

  Why me?

  I just didn't understand. But I was determined to get better. No matter what I was going to find a way to beat this.

  I was a little worried though. With the stress of mama's death and all, I was afraid that I might have a crazy spell again. That was something that I just could not handle, along with everything else. The fact that I had actually imagined and actually believed the whole made up affair between Charlotte and Levi, and everything else; had scared me half to death. I didn’t know what memories were the truths; and which ones were lies. I made sure that I stayed on top of my medicine and I stayed close to Levi. He had taken such good care of me. He tried to help me in any way that he could. He comforted and ensured me that I was going to be fine. Most of all, he didn't treat me like some patient or like the sick and shut in…

  He still treated me like his wife.

  But whether he was afraid of me or not; the truth was that I was scared of myself. What I could do to myself and to the other people that I loved. But Levi never left my side; around the clock, twenty-four seven. He had taken a vacation from work, just to be near me until I got better; or at least stable. I admired him now more than ever. I was so lucky to have Levi in my life. After all he had heard about me and after finding out what he had to deal with until death do us part, he still wasn't afraid of me and most of all… he wasn't afraid to love me.

  Thankfully, stabbing myself hadn't caused any permanent damage and I was expected to recover fully. It had only been about two weeks since the incident but the pain was still as strong as it was on that day. And the internal pain of a broken heart surely didn't make things any better.

  Levi kissed my cheek as family; friends and church members began greeting each other. Everyone seemed to be making their way toward Charlotte and I... except for Zack. He stood off in the distance; alone…without his daughter. He seemed to be the only one not looking at me with pity or sympathy.

  Although he knew the truth about me and had been involved with the discussion of my sickness; helping confirm my reality; all I could see was love in his eyes.

  His face simply assured me that he was there if I ever needed him.

  And I knew in my heart that he meant it.

  The day after mama's funeral was the hardest day of all. Reality hit home for me and I was having a hard time accepting the fact that I would never see her again.

  Since mama had died, Charlotte refused to stay in the house that we grew up in and had moved in with us; Levi and I.

  The house had more than enough room for her and the baby and besides we were going to need each other now; more than ever. We lay in bed, face to face and reminisced.

  "Ski, whatever happened to our dog Noodles? Did he really run away? Charlotte asked. I smiled as I thought about mama backing out of the driveway, rolling over a bump.

  "Nope, mama ran him over," I laughed.

  Charlotte used to love that damn dog. And I do mean… loved it. She would feed it. Bathe it. Hell, she would even sleep with it when mama would let her. I remembered helping mama choose which lie to tell her. Even at a young age, I guessed lying was the normal in this family.

  "Oh no, poor Noodles. I knew something had happened to him! Y’all are so wrong for that. Ski, do you remember that time you fell and broke your leg?" Charlotte asked me.

  Do I remember? Hell yea I remembered. I had to wear a leg cast for over a month.

  And I was in high school at the time so trust me; it wasn't a fun time for me. Kids could be so cruel.

  "Yes, I remember. Why…what did you do bitch?" I questioned her playfully.

  "I was goofing around in your heels. I broke one and I tried to fix it with super glue. I didn't know you were going to wear them the very next day. Guess it didn't work. I'm sorry." Charlotte apologized, though it was necessary.

  And with her laughing…my guess was that she didn’t mean it anyway. I joined in. It happened so long ago that even if I wanted to be mad… I couldn't be.

  Awkwardly, we were both quiet for a second. And then Charlotte spoke again.

  "Daddy cheated on mama," Charlotte said and looked at me with puppy dog eyes.

  "I caught him kissing a woman that used to visit the church. I was fifteen at the time when I caught him. He promised me that it was over and bribed me not to tell mama. And for whatever reason…I said nothing.”

  I was actually surprised that daddy had an affair on mama. In fact, it made me upset. Mama was a super woman. She had always treated him like a king. She was the idea of the perfect wife. She cooked, cleaned and from the way she encouraged me to tend to the needs of my husband, I was sure she serviced him in the bedroom though my mind couldn't take that type of visual. I guess it just goes to show that in love and in life… there were just no guarantees. Charlotte continued talking.

  “He promised me that it was only once and that it was over. He probably lied didn't he? Men always lie. But then again, maybe he did stop seeing her since soon after I caught them, she stopped coming to the church. For a while I couldn’t put a name with her face. I knew that I knew her but I just couldn’t remember where from until she died…it was the women you and Zack mentioned…Nubian Seabrook. I’ll never forget her name. Daddy spoke at her funeral and you could see the hurt in his eyes as he spoke of her. He was in love with her. Mama couldn’t see it. But I could," Charlotte said disappointed.

  Nubian… and my daddy…had an affair…What!

  If she was alive I swear I would have whopped her ass! She was my best friend how could she sleep with my daddy? And might I add…disgusting!

  And the nerve of daddy.

  Charlotte was pretty young the last time she would have saw Nubian. Since Nubian had gotten me into so much trouble back then, as I stated, I was banned from being her friends; supposedly.
I wasn’t supposed to hang around her so she didn’t come over to the how the way she did when we were small kids.

  I could see how Charlotte could have forgotten who she was but my daddy…he knew exactly who she was.

  What a disgrace.

  I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I couldn’t believe that Charlotte had kept quiet; well, actually yes I could. That girl loved her some daddy; of course she would keep his secret. Internally, I thought about the situation a little longer. I also thought about Charlotte’s statement that all men lie. It did seem that way. I would've agreed but I couldn't because I had Levi. Charlotte would learn soon enough that there are some good men still left out there and she had her whole life to meet him.

  As for Pastor Charles Baylock, Charlotte’s baby’s daddy, Charlotte exposed him in front of the whole church that Sunday; including his wife; the day after mama died.

  I guessed she had changed her mind about being in the situation all alone. He played his part in the mess and no matter what…the child deserved a father. After Charlotte’s confession, the church voted him out as pastor and replaced him with another deacon…not Deacon Stanley. I didn’t mention the incident between Deacon Stanley and me because honestly, I didn’t know if it was true or not.

  Since I had found out I was ill, I questioned every single memory that I owned. Not being sure if I made it up or if it was just one of those things that I really did force myself to forget…so, as for that violation...I just let it go.

  As long as he wasn’t the shepherd leading the flock, I was fine. Though it didn't matter much to us who ran daddy's church because after the funeral, we never planned to go back. The only time I planned to step foot on those grounds would be to visit my parents…and my sister.

  Yes, life as we knew it would be so different now but we were going to be just fine. I was just so thankfully that everything had worked out for me. I still had Levi and for that I was beyond grateful. I looked up toward the ceiling and said my many thank you's.

  God must have known I would need a man like him. He was truly one of a kind.

  ~***~

  "Ski?" Levi said kissing my face. I struggled to open my eyes. For some reason, ever since I had started taking my medications, I seemed to sleep unbelievable heavy. I mean, I would be out cold for hours. And it was such a struggle for me to wake up. Barely being able to open my eyes, I smiled at him. I couldn't express how much I loved him. He was more than a gift; more than a blessing. He was my miracle. I didn't deserve him but he was mine. All mine and I was going to love him for always and forever.

  He smiled at me. I thought he wanted to fool around but I noticed that he was fully dressed.

  "I'm going to go make you breakfast in bed today, okay?" Levi said.

  He knew just what to do. He was so good to me.

  "Okay baby." I nodded. Giggling like a school girl. I imagined that I was glowing. I was so in love with him. I was so happy that I had been wrong about him and Charlotte. I had promised him that I would do whatever I had to; to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. I would take any medication; see any doctor; whatever.

  I would do anything to have him in my life.

  Anything.

  I had done so much and I just wanted to make him happy.

  "Skilar, I love you so much, you know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me don't you?" Levi said expressing his love for me. I closed my eyes. I had always been a sucker for affection.

  "Yes baby. I know. I love you too." I said and puckered up my lips for a kiss. He kissed my lips and I watched him as he made his way to the door. He looked back at me with a smile and then he winked. I grinned and snuggled back under the covers to await my breakfast in bed.

  ~***~

  "Breakfast is served my love," Levi chimed and placed the tray of food in front of me.

  Waffles, eggs, bacon and fresh fruit… and a tall glass of orange juice.

  “Thank you baby. Everything looks so good." I thanked my husband. I wanted him to know that I appreciated him.

  Levi smiled but said nothing. Just as I reached for a piece of bacon he grabbed my hand and kissed it. Then he kissed each one of my fingers. His eyes were shut tight and he breathed heavily; as if he had been running.

  Lord I hope he wasn't getting aroused. At least let me eat first… I thought.

  But thankfully, Levi didn't ask for sex.

  He stood up once again, kissed my forehead and headed out of the room and down the hallway.

  Stuffing my face, I heard the beeping noise that indicated that the front door had been opened. I heard it close and I screamed for Levi but when he didn't answer I figured he had gone outside. Thinking nothing of it, I finished my food and lifted up my plate to retrieve my white cloth napkin. I picked it up and under it I saw an envelope with my name on it. I smiled as I remembered the last time Levi had written me a letter. He was asking me for my hand in marriage that day. I grew excited.

  What was Levi up to?

  Eagerly, I opened the envelope. My mouth dropped open and remained that way for quite some time. The first thing I saw was divorce papers. The second thing I saw was a letter. It read:

  Skilar, what can I say? You are an amazing woman. When I first met you I knew you were something special. You had such drive; such spark. You were everything I ever wanted and needed in a woman; a lover…fighter…best friend. I thought I was the luckiest man in the world to have married you. But the truth is this whole situation is too much for me. I tried to be strong enough to deal with it. I wanted to be able to deal with it but I can't. I want a normal life; a normal wife. I can't live with the constant thought that something may go wrong and you may hurt yourself or even me. I can't deal with that. I wouldn't be able to live with that. So the best thing to do is to let you go. I do love you I swear I love you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but my heart is telling me it is the right thing for me to do. It's not your fault that you are sick. I know it’s not your fault. I just can't. Oh, and you were right…I did have an affair…after you started accusing me, with Pastor Baylock’s wife. We are moving back to California. I got my old job back and I just want to begin again. No matter what I want you to know that I love you Skilar Parks Lopez. I always have and I always will.

  Levi.

  I crumbled up the letter and ripped the divorce papers in half. He was my husband and he was going to see me through this! It was his job! He vowed to love me through sickness and through health and he was going to do just that damn it!

  And I had been right!

  I may have made everything up about him and Charlotte creeping around, but Levi had had an affair after all.

  I knew it! I knew it!

  Knocking the tray of scraps of food to the floor, I jumped out of bed and headed to the closet to slip on my house coat.

  He cheated on me and then he had the nerve to write me a note? He wants a divorce and he wrote me a note?

  No, he was going to face me like a man!

  Entering the closet I noticed that Levi's side was completely empty; only my clothes were left in the closet. What? Where was all of his stuff?

  He must have moved it knowing that the medications would have me knocked out and I would hear a thing. That's why he was fully dressed. Fixing my robe, and sliding on my slippers, I headed toward the front door.

  I screamed his name over and over even before I had gotten to the front door or opened it.

  Once I did I was stopped dead in my tracks.

  Standing on my porch...was Zack.

  Staring at each other, neither of us said a word. I looked passed him and noticed that Levi's car was gone.

  Coward.

  How could he want to leave me? He was my husband.

  He said he loved me and would be there for me no matter what. Why would he cheat on me? Why would he do this? Why would he change his mind? He knew I needed him. Who was going to take care of me now?

  For a second, I had forgotten Zack wa
s standing there. I had begun to cry and he came closer to me but I backed away from him. I pulled myself together just enough to ask him a question.

  "Zack, what are you doing here?" I asked him.

  Zack stood still and simply looked at me.

  His look was a mixture of concern and love.

  Cautiously, he spoke.

  "Ski, what do you mean why am I here…I live here," Zack said calmly.

  What did he mean he lived here? This was Levi and my house; this was the house that me and my husband shared.

  "You live here? No you don't; where's Levi?" I asked him, not in the mood for games. Without answering my question Zack spoke again.

  "Ski, turn around," he said.

  Irritated I did as I was told and turned around.

  He was right. I was at his house.

  But why? How did I get there? I turned back to face him. He acted as though he could read my mind so he continued speaking.

  "Ski, you and Levi have been divorced for about two years now; remember? He left you and moved back to California. That day you came running outside and I was waiting for you; similar to this. That morning, Levi had given me a call and told me that you were going to need me and just like I promised you; I was right there waiting for you. I was there Ski and have been ever since. We just got married last week look at your finger Ski," Zack said.

  I looked down at my hand. He was right--- again.