Perfect Imperfection
Page 15
“What?” Jimmy gasped. “You mean he won’t be able to play again?”
“Not professionally. He’ll never have the strength and mobility in his leg that he had before, and I’m afraid it just won’t be able to hold up under that kind of strain and pressure. I’m sorry.” And, to his credit, Dr. Hopkins did indeed look sorry. “The other thing you need to know is that Cole is going to need months of rehabilitation to regain the use and mobility of his leg, arms, and shoulder. The injury to his leg was so severe it may take months before he’s able to walk on it. After rehab, when he’s able to function properly again, he’ll still have months of physical therapy to rebuild the strength and flexibility in his muscles.
“This is going to be a long recovery for Cole. The physical recovery will be bad enough, but the mental and emotional ramifications will be worse. Cole’s whole life has just changed. All his plans for the future will now have to be altered. That will be difficult for him to deal with. I think I read that he is already seeing a psychiatrist?”
“Yes,” Jimmy cleared his throat. “For a couple years now.”
“Good. I’m glad he already has someone he feels comfortable with. His therapy will be something he’ll want to continue through the rehabilitation process, and will help him as he comes to grips with his new reality.”
Fear and anxiety flooded Bri, and spilled over in tears down her cheeks. She hadn’t thought about what this accident might mean for Cole’s future. She’d been too worried about the immediate threat to his life to even think about how this would impact his life and career.
“I don’t meant to sound callous,” Dr. Hopkins gave them a small smile. “But I don’t want to mislead or disillusion you about Cole’s recovery. That’s not to say that he can’t and won’t make a full and complete recovery, emotionally as well as physically. I just need you to understand that this kind of trauma will be hard for him to come to terms with. It will take him time. And he is going to need all the support and encouragement he can get. All of you will be instrumental in that. You’ve all been here for days, and I can see how worried you are, how much you care. He’ll need your love and patience now more than ever. He won’t make it through this without you.”
Dr. Hopkins then started talking about moving Cole to a private room to recuperate, but Bri didn’t hear any more. She’d frozen when the doctor started talking about all the support Cole would need, and how vital to his recovery they all were. She hadn’t realized just what the aftermath of Cole’s accident would involve.
Jimmy moved away to speak to the doctor privately, and Bri headed numbly back to her chair and stared sightlessly out the windows.
She hadn’t given any thought to how long she’d be in Salt Lake when she jetted out here. She’d bought a one-way ticket and hadn’t thought twice about it. But now, after hearing how involved Cole’s recovery would be, how long it would take, she needed to seriously consider what she could offer.
Because, selfishly, she didn’t want to give up her life in New York. She was happy there, as happy as she’d been in a long time. She finally felt she had the chance to move on, and she didn’t want to waste it. She didn’t want to just throw away the life she was building for herself.
Even more selfishly, she wasn’t ready to run back to Cole, even though that’s exactly what she’d done when she’d heard about his accident. It was what they did. There was an ever-present pull between them. It was sometimes easier to ignore than other times, but it was always there. They circled each other, keeping their distance but still caught in the other’s gravity, until finally tired of fighting it, they’d give into the pull and run back to each other. But it was a mistake. It was always a mistake to try and go back. So, one of them would run, trying to put more distance between them, until the pull became too much again. She and Cole were caught in a vicious cycle, with no end in sight. If she stayed and helped Cole through his recovery, she’d just be perpetuating the spiral they were trapped in.
As much as she still loved him, would probably always love him, she couldn’t do it any more. It wasn’t fair to Cole, and it wasn’t fair to her. If she stayed, she’d just be giving him more hope about a future that would never exist. She’d made that mistake once before, and she couldn’t do that to him again. The last time had nearly destroyed him, and torn her apart as well. What would it do to him now, to have his heart broken again when she left?
Because she would leave again. Even if she stayed and helped him through his recovery, she couldn’t stay with Cole forever. Eventually she would leave, and she’d destroy him in the process, and she just couldn’t live with that. She had hurt him enough already; she couldn’t stomach the thought of doing it again. She couldn’t stay, no matter how much she wished she could.
Her heart twisted and tears began to fall as she realized what she had to do. She just hoped she’d be strong enough to go through with it.
Seb came and sat by her, the early afternoon sunlight glinting off his hair, turning the brown strands gold.
“They’ll be moving Cole in about a half hour. They stopped his sedative, but it’ll still be a few hours before he wakes up. Are you going to stay? Or do you need some more sleep?” he asked, no doubt seeing the dark circles still under her eyes. They matched the bags still present under his. “You could head over to Layla’s place and…”
“No, I’ll stay,” she whispered.
“Are you sure? Not much is going to happen until he wakes up. I can call you when he’s awake.”
“Are you going to Layla’s?” She finally looked at him. “You could use some more sleep, too.”
“No. I’m staying here until they kick me out,” he grinned at her.
“Well, there’s your answer then. It looks like we’re waiting it out together.”
“Okay.”
He leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table in front of them. Forcing her thoughts from their dark train, Bri decided to enjoy her remaining time with Seb. She mimicked his position and tossed him a grin, getting as comfortable as she could.
“So,” he began. “You asked earlier about what my plans were, if I was going back to Spain.”
Bri’s heart clenched. “Are you going back to Europe?”
“Honestly? I was going to, yeah. I had a good thing going there. But now, with Cole and everything…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. “I think I’m needed here. You heard the doctor. Cole’s prognosis isn’t great. If I can help him get through this, then I need to be here.”
Shocked, Bri turned to him. “You would do that? Give up your life, your football career, everything you’ve built for yourself, to stay and help your friend?”
“He’s my brother,” Seb shrugged as if that was the only reason he needed.
Bri’s stomach twisted, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She was a horrible person, the worst kind of selfish scum on earth. Here Seb was, willing to give up the life he’d worked so hard to build, and she wouldn’t even consider doing the same thing. She loved Cole, true, but she wasn’t willing to give up everything for him. Not like Seb was. She was disgusted with herself.
“What about you?” Seb asked her, his eyes searching. “Are you going back to New York?”
“I don’t know,” she lied. “I’m not sure Cole would even want me here, after the way I ran out on him before. I’d probably do more harm than good if I stayed.”
“That’s not true, and you know it,” he chided. “You are the first person Cole would want to be by his side, no matter what has happened between you. As much as he needs the rest of us, he needs you more. Nothing will ever change that. You’re the one person he can’t live without. So maybe you should consider staying.”
Unable to speak past the guilty lump I her throat, she just nodded.
She and Seb sat side by side in silence as they waited. Layla slid into the empty seat next to Bri, and Bri leaned her head on Layla’s shoulder, taking comfort in her best friend.
“Do you think that I could maybe have a few minutes alone with him?” She hated to ask this of Jimmy, after everything he’d been through, but she needed to talk to Cole and she couldn’t do it with an audience.
Jimmy looked hesitant.
“Please, Jimmy. I need… There are some things I need to say to him, even if he can’t hear me. I promise I won’t be long. Please?”
“Of course.” Jimmy gave her a warm smile, before vacating his seat next to Cole. “Take all the time you need.” He kissed the top of her head before closing the door softly behind him.
Looking down at Cole, at his bruised and broken body, she felt her tears welling up already. Guilt and nerves twisted her stomach, but as hard as this was going to be, Cole deserved the truth, even if he’d never remember hearing it.
Bri took a deep breath and moved to his side.
Chapter 15
The murmuring of voices was the first thing that penetrated the heavy darkness he was floating in. He had the vague sensation of touches and whispered words, but he couldn’t distinguish anything in the blackness. He was nothing- no body, no thoughts, only those distant sensory pulses. He didn’t know where he was, or even who he was.
He was floating there in that vast nothingness, the darkness threatening to pull him back under, when one voice pierced the haze. This voice was familiar and caused a jolt to go through him, finally confirming the presence of his body. Instinctively, he tried climbing his way out of the darkness toward that voice, but the blackness was so heavy, and he was so tired, that his feeble efforts were useless.
But then someone took his hand. Fingers intertwined with his, and the weight of the darkness lessened slightly. He focused on that feeling, of that hand in his, and tried to fight towards consciousness.
There was a brush against his lips, a soft pressure that sent a slight pang of something through him, something so potent he felt it all the way to his distant toes. A kiss, he realized. Someone was kissing him. No, not just someone. That voice was kissing him. Cognition fought the fog in his brain, and after a moment of struggling, he came up with a name.
Bri.
Bri was holding his hand, kissing his lips. Try as he might, he couldn’t conjure up her face, but he knew that name, knew that voice that had called to him. Desperately he tried to push his way out of the blackness. He needed to see her. But his eyes refused to obey his wishes. The body he could now feel was completely unresponsive, useless.
“Oh, Cole,” that voice, Bri’s voice, trembled.
Cole. Was that who he was? Cole? It sounded right, but his mind was still too fuzzy to offer any confirmation.
“I’m so sorry, for everything. I’m sorry you’re here. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”
Here? Where was here? Where was he? What had happened to make her sound so sad?
She hadn’t released his hand, but was instead squeezing it tightly in her own. He used that feeling as a lifeline to pull himself up to the surface. Her voice became clearer, though she was still speaking softly, as he slowly edged closer to consciousness.
“But that’s why I’m here,” she continued, oblivious to his desperate fight. “I’m here to give you a chance at a life without me or the pain I inevitably seem to cause you. I’m here to end our vicious cycle, to give you a clean break and the chance to move on.”
That caused him to pause. He was aware enough to know that what she was saying didn’t sound good, even if he didn’t fully understand. He stopped his struggles, and focused instead on her voice, on the words she was saying, hoping that he could make sense of them.
“I love you,” she sniffled, and he thought he felt a tear fall on his hand. “Despite everything that’s happened, I still love you. I think a part of me will always love you. But we’re just not good together. All we ever seem to do is hurt each other, intentionally or otherwise, and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hurting you, it rips me apart inside, but I can’t let you hurt me again, either. I wouldn’t survive it. I know what I’m doing makes me the most horrible, selfish person ever, but I really am doing this for you, too.”
He wished desperately that he could see her, that he could pull her into his arms and soothe the pain and anguish from her voice. Reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, that he would never hurt her. But the darkness held him trapped.
“We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep running back to each other, again and again, just to have the same heartache every time. So, I’m letting you go, Cole.” Her voice broke, and he felt his heart clench. “I’m walking away for good this time. It’s actually too bad that you’re unconscious, that you won’t remember this conversation, because if you could hear me you’d be so angry with me you’d never want to see me again, anyway. I know you need me right now, but I can’t give you what you want, so I’m setting you free.”
What? No!
“But, before I walk out of your life forever, you deserve to know the truth. And the truth is that you are the love of my life. Every man I meet will always be compared to you. I’ll see your face at night when I dream, and I’ll wake up every day feeling as though a piece of me is missing. I will love you until the day I die, and no matter how I try to move on, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. But, damn it Cole, sometimes love just isn’t enough. That’s what I’ve finally realized. No matter how much I may love you, that love can’t overcome all the hurt and betrayal between us. And no matter how much you may still love me, it’s just not enough to repair the damage we keep causing each other. We’re just no good for each other. So, this is goodbye Cole.”
She paused as a sob choked off her words, and he began to panic in earnest. She was leaving and never coming back. He didn’t know what had happened to him or where he was, but he knew with everything in him that he could not let her walk away.
“I hope one day you’ll understand why I’m doing this. Maybe after you’ve found yourself a wonderful girl who’s as crazy about you as you are about her, you’ll be able to forgive me for leaving like this. I want you to be happy, Cole. I want you to find someone who loves and supports you in whatever you decide to do, someone who won’t ever hurt you the way I have. I want you to find someone who sets your heart on fire, and then I want you to spend the rest of your life with her. I want you to forget about me, and never look back.”
He heard her move, and then her lips were pressed against his again. Anguish tore through him as her tears fell on his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against his mouth. “But this is what’s best for both of us. I love you. I’ll always love you.”
No! He desperately tried to reach for her, to stop her from leaving, but his traitor of a body refused to even budge. All he could do as she walked away was scream her name inside his head. She couldn’t leave him. She was right, he did need her, and he finally realized exactly how much. He couldn’t let this happen. He had to stop her…
But the darkness surged around him, pulling him back under to that place where nothing existed. With one last, anguished cry, he stopped fighting. He had nothing left to fight for. His one reason for living was gone, and she had taken every last piece of him with her. Sighing, he embraced the blackness, diving back into its endless depths where he could forget about the pain in his chest where his heart used to be.
Bri ducked into the nearest rest room and locked the door. Leaning against the wall, she refused to look in the mirror, disgusted with herself for what she was doing.
But self-loathing could wait. If she was going to get out of here, she needed to pull herself together.
Taking deep breaths, she forced her tears to stop. She quit thinking about Cole, damaged and helpless back in his room, and focused instead on the steps she needed to take to get back to New York. Abandoning the man she loved when he needed her most was shredding her heart, but she couldn’t think about that right now. Later, when she was back home, she’d let herself lose it. But for now, she had to push down all her emotions; otherwise she’d never make it out of this hospital.
She went to the sink and splashed some cold water on her face. She held a couple damp paper towels against her eyes to try to take down some of the swelling. Everyone would expect her to be upset about Cole, but if she looked like she was having an emotional break down, they'd be sure to stop her. She took a few more minutes to come up with a plausible exit strategy, and to make sure everything was locked tight deep inside her. Still not looking in the mirror, she took one last breath and made herself leave the bathroom.
Bri walked down the hall to the small sitting area by the nurses’ station. Everyone had assembled there, not wanting to overwhelm Cole. If only they knew that they could pack his whole room full of people and not even come close to overwhelming him the way she had. It was a good thing Cole was still unconscious. She would have sent him into cardiac arrest.
Her heart clenched, a cruel reminder of the guilt she had forced herself not to feel. She was doing this for Cole, she reminded herself. If she stayed, there’d be no hope for either of them. This was the only chance they both had to try and find happiness, though, she didn’t have much hope for herself on that front.