Learning to Live

by R Cole

  I have to touch her, so I reach out and tuck a stray hair behind her right ear and her eyes widen from surprise. “You’re an amazing person, Tru, and you really didn’t have to get him anything, but I know he’s happy you did.” My hand stays on her warm cheek as we stand there for what feels like eternity, but I know it’s only a few seconds.

  Our moment is interrupted by David coming up and slapping my shoulder. “Let’s hit the water before the storm comes.” He runs past us and I face Tru again.

  “Want to learn to surf?” I really don’t want this moment to end, anything to prolong being next to her.

  “No thanks. I don’t know how to swim very well, and I’m sure that’s a major part of the whole surfing thing. You go and have fun.” She turns and starts walking toward my sister.

  I follow and grab my board then head out toward the water. I turn before I get wet and yell in her direction, “Tru, don’t forget we’re going to build our castle when I get done. Okay?”

  She laughs and yells, “Okay, but it better be the best castle ever. You promised me mad skills, and I’m holding you to it.”

  I start paddling toward David, who’s sitting on his board waiting. I grin while thinking of how I’d build her as many damn castles as she wanted as long as it keeps her smiling like that.

  Last week, when I danced with the team, I thought it was the only way for me to feel at peace. Then I came here with Jazz and found solace immediately when I inhaled the salty air and felt it hit my face for the first time.

  The whole week before I arrived, my nerves and the excitement for this weekend made my nails nonexistent and my bottom lip sore from biting it so much. However, when I arrived it all faded away, and for the first time I felt all my inner turmoil lift from my shoulders.

  Now I’m sitting under the sun with the same salty air around me and a smile on my face, listening to the seagulls and watching the families play. Okay, I’m also watching Jax on his surfboard like every other female that’s not related to him. He’s just so sexy with his six pack abs, muscled chest that has droplets of water cascading down every crevice. His tattoo is finally visible. It’s made of beautiful tribal designs in different colors, and they come together and form a tree. I want to ask him about it, but I’m not sure if I have the courage.

  My tattoo means so much to me, but it’s hard to talk about to others. I’ve never talked about Brian to anyone except the hospital staff and social worker that helped me. As I sit here I realize how selfish I’ve been. I try to keep him all to myself, but I should be proud of him and how strong he was. Staying quiet must make it seem like I’m ashamed of him. I’m not. It’s just that I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about him. Well, until Jazz came into my life and then Jax.

  I think back to watching Cohen run to his mom. Moments like that I always realize that I’ll never have that with Brian—all the birthdays he’ll never have or his first day of school. None of that will ever be experienced, and I instantly feel the burning in my eyes and tightness in my chest. Thanks to my sunglasses, no one sees the moisture in my eyes. My hands itch for his blanket, but I left it in my dorm room hoping I wouldn’t need it.

  My somber mood is ruined by my loud friend. “Damn it, Trudy. Take that stupid cover-up off or I’ll be forced to take it off for you.” I can hear the impatience in her voice, but it’s a welcome distraction from my thoughts.

  I clear my throat before answering, hoping she won’t notice I’m upset. “Jazz, I’ve never been in a bathing suit before and definitely not a bikini. If you can even call this colored dental floss you made me purchase a bikini. It’s like my chest is going to spill out any minute.” I’m not comfortable with showing that much skin. I feel as though everyone will point and stare, and I don’t want to be criticized. I’ve had enough of that in the past.

  “Oh please. If I had your ass and rack, I’d definitely become a nudist and give anyone who wanted to judge me the finger.” She’s so confident and doesn’t seem ashamed of the scar on her chest from her past open heart surgery, but it’s really faded compared to my fresh ones.

  She stands and pulls me up with her. When she reaches for the hem of my cover up, I back away from her. “Trudy.” She grabs me by the shoulders and looks at me with sincere blue eyes. “Look at me. Do you trust me as a friend?” I nod my head. “Good, then listen to me. You’re a beautiful woman and you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are...inside and out. I love you like a sister, and I’ll kick the ass of anyone that tells you different.” She gives me a small sad smile. “So please do yourself a favor and let go and live.”

  Those words hit me right in my heart. I realize that I want to live badly, but it’s so terrifying. I take a deep breath and nod my head. I do trust her and it’s time for me to try and live the life I was given. My hands are shaking as I reach for the hem of my cover up and lift it over my head.

  I feel people stare at me, but I try to ignore it. I hug my friend who says she loves me and quickly sit back down in my chair. As I pull out the sun screen to apply to my now visible skin, I feel a burning stare on me. I look up and see a very wet and intense looking Jax walking our way, carrying his board. I feel my heart skip a beat before it speeds up and my skin gets flushed. Heat races through my bloodstream, and I start to feel jittery the closer he gets. It’s like his stare is setting me on fire. Oh God. What do I do? I’m about to ignite.

  “Hey, David, walk with me for a drink?” Jazz gets up and grabs David’s hand then walks away. I never noticed him coming over.

  I could kill Jazz right now for leaving Jax and me in some intense sexual bubble as he continues to stare and not say anything. He just stares as I melt into an overheated puddle. Yes, I said sexual. He’s hot and I want him. There, I finally admit it after denying it for the past few weeks. I want him so bad that I’m about to pounce on him.

  “Jax Coleman, is that you?” He finally breaks his stare as a beautiful woman in possibly her early thirties comes up dressed to the nines in all designer attire. She’s wearing a red, barley there bikini and has the blondest hair that reaches her ass cheeks and a pair of porn star boobs with only her nipples covered. Where’s modesty these days? I silently ask myself.

  “Mrs. Reed. It’s good to see you again,” he says and tries to turn my way again, but the lady in red blocks him and jumps in between us.

  “Actually, I dropped the Reed and now I’m using my maiden name Thomas.” She looks at him and bites her lip while I roll my eyes. He must notice because his lips turn up before he looks at her again.

  “I’m sorry to hear about you and Dr. Reed. Now if you’ll excuse me I was in the middle of something.” Again, he tries to escape but gets nowhere.

  “Well, I’m definitely not sorry. So now I have time to try…” She whispers something in his ear that has Jax nodding with a “What the fuck?” look on his face. Then, as she walks away, swaying her perfectly round ass, she looks over her shoulder and sounding like a call girl says, “Come see me when you’re done...” she looks at me “...babysitting.”

  What the hell? I know I’m young, but do I look twelve? I take a calming breath to stop myself from following her and shoving a beach umbrella pole up her ass. “That was interesting?” It comes out as a question because my head is still spinning from the encounter.

  “Yeah, sorry about that. She was married to one of my dad’s friends.” He sits down in Jazz’s empty chair and leans back with his arms behind his head.

  It seems the sexual tension is gone since the porn star interrupted, but I’m glad. Now I can think with my head again and not with my libido.

  “Was is definitely the right word,” I say and start to laugh when I think of how obvious she was in her advances. Can you say easy?

  Jax looks at me while my giggles eventually turn into full blown laughter. “What?” he asks with a smile and then joins in.

  “That,” I say, pointing in the direction she took off in. “I can’t believe she did that. I mean she might as well have
a sign around her neck saying, ‘Caution: Parents, beware of wild cougar around children.’” I continue to laugh and have to take a breath before I continue. “Do you always have beautiful women trying to get you, or what?”

  He suddenly sobers and looks at me with that intense stare from a few minutes ago. “Not the most beautiful.”

  That catches me off guard, and I’m speechless, but thankfully Jazz and David return and hand Jax and me a bottled water. I break his stare and look at my friend while I change the subject. “You want to help with the sand castle, Jazz?”

  “No, you and Jax go ahead. I need to work on my back for a bit, then we need to head home for the party.” She stands beside Jax and kicks his leg. “So get your ass up and get busy.”

  “David?” I ask because the thought of being alone once again with Jax has my belly tied in nervous knots. I never know what to expect from him or how my emotions will pan out.

  “No thanks. I got other plans walking my way,” he says, shaking his head, and winks at a cute brunette walking by with her friends. He soon follows behind them to catch up.

  Standing up, I wipe the sand off my butt before I head over to an area to start our sand castle expecting Jax to follow. However, he walks toward his car instead. I’m getting upset because I think he’s about to leave, but he comes back with his arms full of buckets and shovels.

  “We can’t build the best without the right equipment, can we?” He smiles and sits beside me in the sand.

  I really don’t know how to do this, and I’m not sure where to start. I guess he see’s my hesitation and explains. “First we need water to make the sand the right consistency.” He stands and walks to the shore to scoop up water.

  I can’t help but stare at his back muscles and they roll under his tanned skin around shoulder blades. I follow his spine to where it dips and curves out as he bends down, but then it disappears under his swim trunks, and I curse who ever invented clothes.

  He turns around and catches my stare. I grab a red shovel and start to dig diligently while he sits back down. I pray he thinks the pinkness on my cheeks is from the sun and not my embarrassment. “What’s next?” I ask, trying to remember the reason I’m sitting with sand up my butt instead of on his lap.

  We work in sync as we build a decent looking sand castle, and I can’t help but take a picture. It has three towers and even a moat he filled with water. I dust the sand off my hands and stand up to dust off my legs. “What should we call it?” I ask and look his way.

  He’s staring at me again, and it’s not in a sexual way this time, but angry. He see’s my scar from my surgery to repair my punctured liver I had just seven months ago. I could play it off as a childhood scar, but it’s too red for that and I’m horrible at telling lies anyway. I try to act like I don’t notice his stare instead and continue what I was doing.

  “What the hell happened?” His eyes are focused on the scar, and I automatically cover it with my hand. The growl in his voice sends goosebumps across my skin. Even his anger affects me.

  “Long story,” I say and turn to walk toward Jazz. As soon as I get there I slip on my cover up. “Are you about ready? I need to take a shower before the party.” I can feel Jax’s heat as he stands close behind me.

  “Yeah. Let’s load up.” She stands and stretches her arms above her head then looks to Jax. “Don’t just stand there. Help us pack up.” Thank you, Jazz, I think to myself and exhale.

  Thankfully he doesn’t argue but begins to fold the chairs. David soon returns and helps us load them up. When we’re done and in the car, I watch as the Jeep peels out of the parking lot, leaving burnt rubber in its wake.

  “What the hell is his problem?” Jazz asks, eyeing me above her sunglasses.

  I just shrug my shoulders as an answer because I don’t want to talk about it and look ahead. She starts backing out and turns down the stereo. “I wish you two would just fuck and get it over with. This sexual tension is causing me to almost orgasm just by watching.” She wags her eyebrows and drives back to her house smiling the whole time.

  On the way I think about what she said. Maybe if we just have sex one time I won’t feel this way about him. Who am I kidding? The way I feel about him runs way deeper than just sex. The flutters and tightness in my belly seem to be caused by his presence alone. Heat flows under my skin from my split ends down to my toenails just from his dark stare. The way he can lighten my mood with just his dimple. With all these intense feelings there is still fear of becoming someone’s thing instead of my own person though. I don’t want to feel this way, but maybe it’s time to conquer that fear. Jax isn’t going away and neither are these feelings. Like Jazz said, “Let go and live.”

  I’m so pissed I just pull out and speed home without looking their way. David doesn’t ask any questions until we’re back home and in my room to clean up for the night. I just want Tru to talk to me about herself. I know she’s keeping secrets, and I want to know them, but more than that, I want her to trust me enough to share them with me. I know I can’t fix everything that’s happened in her past, but I want to try, and I can’t do that until she tells me.

  “Did you see it on her side?” I ask David because I’ll explode if I don’t talk to him about it. My breathing is still fast, but I continue to pace. I feel like busting a fucking hole in something with my fist.

  “See what? The awesome tattoo or the nasty scar?”

  The tattoo is beautiful and I noticed the tiny footprints in the center, but right now the scar holds my concern.

  I interlace my fingers behind me neck so I won’t bust the walls or break David’s nose. I bet this is what a caged animal feels like. “The fucking scar. I know it’s not old and it doesn’t look like any surgery I’ve ever seen or heard about.” I continue to pace and try to calm the fuck down.

  “Well, do you want to know what I think it resembles?” David asks, sitting on my bed and getting sand on my sheets, but I don’t care at the moment. I nod my head even though I’m sure we’re thinking the same thing.

  He looks at me and for once he’s not trying to joke around or be a cocky sonofabitch. “Like a stab wound of some kind, but not with a knife because it’s crooked and longer than a regular blade.” He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. “Whatever is was fucked her side up pretty bad and it looks like it would of affected her liver too.”

  Hearing him clarify my own thoughts just makes my anger worse. Fuck it. Turning, I walk over and punch the bathroom door hard enough to dent it. The pain is a great distraction from my inner turmoil.

  “Jesus, Jax! Calm the fuck down. We need to get ready for your little brother’s birthday party, not taking you to the ER for a broken hand.” He gets up and walks toward the bathroom. “I’m heading to the shower to get ready. Oh! By the way, Nicole and her friends invited us all to meet them at some club tonight. You up to it? Maybe you can beat the shit out of someone instead of the door.”

  Taking a deep breath, I sit on the bed.“Yeah.” I sure could use a drink. Lying back, I close my eyes while waiting for my turn to use the bathroom. I try to figure out this beautiful and damaged girl I know I’m falling in love with.

  After I’m ready I head down to the party. Everyone seems to be having a blast including me. I put the scar in the back of my mind to focus on Cohen and his birthday. He loves the Power Wheels red Jeep I bought him, and with Tru’s gift in hand, he drives around and shows everyone he’s now old enough to drive.

  I watch him offer Trudy a ride, and she looks torn between letting him down and knowing she won’t fit. Mom luckily saves the day.

  “Cohen, honey, Trudy is too big to ride in your Jeep. Go ask Mia if she wants to.” She bends down to his level and looks at him with eyes similar to mine.

  “Okay, Mommy.” He looks at Tru and says with all seriousness says, “I sowy you too big to wide with me, but maybe when you get wittle you can.” He drives off to hunt down Mia as Tru and my mom laugh together.

  I love to watch
her interact with my family, especially McKenzie. She treats her just like a normal nine-year-old girl and doesn’t coddle her like others try to do. She fits in here and I feel like it’s where she’s meant to be. With me.

  After everyone leaves and the girls help Mom clean up, I head upstairs and find my dad in his office. “Dad, can I talk to you?” Whenever I need anything he’s there for me. I have major respect for him and his advice.

  He smiles and nods his head. “Sure. It’ll be good to catch up since I haven’t seen much of you.” He takes a seat on the old, dark blue couch that he’s had since he and Mom first married. It stands out like a sore thumb in his huge office, but it doesn't detract from the amazing view of the ocean from the large window. His desk and the shelves behind it are made of light wood and it flows with the theme of the rest of the house. He has heart models on his desk with the latest Mac computer and technology. The remaining walls have family pictures of all of us, in addition to his diplomas and doctorates in wood frames that match the shelves.

  If he’s home and looking for peace and quiet, you can usually find him here on this couch, reading or napping to catch up on some sleep.

  I sit beside him and just stare out the window thinking of how I want to start this conversation or if I should even discuss this with him before I talk to Tru.

  “Jax, are you okay?” My dad has concern in his voice, and I hate making him worry.

  “Yeah, I’m fine physically. It’s just emotionally...I’m frustrated” I run my fingers through my hair and look at my dad. I get most of my features from him, except my eyes and dark hair. His hair is a lighter brown, but now I notice he has grey around his temples. I smile because I know he’ll worry and I don’t want that. He worries enough as it is with all of us kids and his profession. “Nothing I can’t handle, Dad.” I start to stand. “Sorry for bothering you.”

  He grabs my shoulder and I turn toward him. “You’ve never been a bother, son, and you can talk to me. Does this have to do with Jazz’s new friend Trudy?” His smile says he knows it does, so I just nod. “She’s extremely attractive, isn’t she? Seems skittish and kind of lost too.” He walks over to the window and gazes out. With his profession he’s always been able to read people. He can see through peoples lies, and it’s something I used to hate while growing up. Now it’s something I appreciate. He was the one who warned me about Ashton.