Sapphic Cowboi

by K'Anne Meinel

  “I’ll see you later before the show” Ariana let Maggie out near where the pen was set up for her horses before driving off to return Cecil’s Model T.

  “What are you some sort of dyke?”

  “What’s a dyke?”

  “You know, you like women, you like to be the boy!” she laughed crudely at her joke and explanation.

  Maggie’s eyes about bugged out of her head when she realized the implications of what Martha was implying, she had never heard of such a thing! Martha realized by her expression alone how naïve she really was and that she wasn’t what Martha was accusing her of.

  “Oh c’mon honey, surely you’ve experimented now and then? We all have!” she laughed crudely to cover her surprise at the other woman’s inexperience. Martha sashayed away with an even ruder look at the stunned horse master. Maggie hadn’t understood Martha’s resentment but Martha instinctively knew she was on her way out, in the weeks and months since her accident she had milked it for what it was worth, milked Carleton for what she could get from him and the circus his daddy owned. She resented the younger and vastly prettier Ariana taking what she considered her place in the scheme of things. She wanted to take her spite out on someone and Maggie had been too easy.

  Maggie had been living in some sort of post-movie haze and hadn’t realized the vile woman she mostly avoided had come up behind her. But Martha had seen Ariana drop off Maggie and the easy intimacy between the two women and their friendship, something else Martha had with no one, no one wanted to be the promiscuous and greedy woman’s friend, was another mark against everyone in Martha’s eyes. They owed her and she was going to make people pay for the way they treated her. Maggie was just too easy.

  Maggie was stunned at the implication of what Martha had said. She had never considered such a relationship, she had never heard of such either. She sat there on a hay bale as Feathers snuffled at her hand trying to entice her to pet him. Even the horses looked at her curiously. It wasn’t like Maggie to do absolutely nothing.

  “Are you okay honey?” Perry asked as he came up beside her. That too was unlike Maggie, she would have been aware of anyone approaching, if not by her own senses but by the horses who had certainly seen him.

  Maggie jumped at the voice, so lost in her own thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay” she repeated back dumbly and unconvincingly.

  Perry had seen Martha waddle away. He avoided her as she tended to victimize anyone that wasn’t up to her idea of perfection. That meant everyone in their small circus world. She was a nasty bit of goods and he would be glad to see her go. Carleton’s attempt to get rid of her long before this had failed due to her injury but Perry and several others could see the writing on the wall and she would be gone soon. Not soon enough if he could read the shock and hurt on his friends face correctly. “I don’t know what Martha said to you but whatever it was ignore it, that woman would sour milk just by looking at it.”

  Maggie nodded but didn’t really hear him; she was caught up in her own thoughts, the ones racing around inside her head causing her anxiety. She had wondered if there was something wrong with her for years. First when man after man after boy was presented to her and she couldn’t work up much of an attraction for them. Physically she found them appealing but beyond that, the thought of having babies with them had repelled her. Being the daughter of a horse breeder she naturally knew about the forbidden subject of sex but the idea of being physically with a man, intimately, repelled her. It had helped keep her in her single state when her father despaired of every having an heir from her. Now she had to wonder if perhaps someone like Martha was correct, was she a dyke? Did she like women? Did she secretly want to be a boy? She’d always liked manly pursuits, she’d always behaved like the son her father had wanted and been so proud of until his death, she liked doing what she did but did this mean she secretly wanted to be with a woman? And what woman? Naturally her thoughts went to Ariana, her best friend, her performing partner. She hadn’t thought of her in that way, ever. She had thought she had found a friend, the sister she had never had, the companion she could confide in. Now she was thinking what she considered ‘dirty’ thoughts about her? She hadn’t gone beyond the thought of what kissing Ariana might just be like but only after Martha had said what she had. Seeing Vivien Leah on the movie screen being kissed by Clark Gable she realized, she hadn’t wanted to be Scarlet O’Hara, she had wanted to be Rhett Butler and kissing Scarlet like that. The shock of it was stunning her into silence.

  Perry watched with worry as Maggie’s normal exuberance was gone, it wasn’t like her at all to behave like this. “Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked her knowing she might not tell him.

  Realizing everything she had since Martha’s vengeful idea had been planted inside her head and in such a short time she was frightened. She knew it was wrong, that something was wrong with her, that to share this idea, this disgusting idea with her friends, with anyone might cause them all to turn their backs on her. She hadn’t had time to assimilate everything, she hadn’t had time to adjust to it, analyze it, or come to grips with it. Right now it was new, right now it was so wrong, right now she was horrified at what she had been accused of much less what she had thought of. She knew Martha was a nasty person but what if others thought the same about her? She shook her head and began to cry silently.

  Perry pulled her head to his chest. He was standing as she was sitting on the bale of hay and it fit right against him. “There there luv, let it all out, let it all out” he comforted her. Curious performers looked on and he waved away any that attempted to come over. He preferred to handle this himself. Their concerned looks conveyed a message, if he needed help he had only to ask, it was part of being in this family they had made.

  Maggie told him nothing as she did cry it out. It wasn’t just for her lost ‘innocence’ mentally. She was homesick, she missed the familiar surroundings, and while she was enjoying showing off her horses, performing, seeing the new places and faces, making new friends, she was lonely and the one good friend she had made was suddenly off limits she felt. Her other friends while helpful and loving weren’t quite the same.

  Ariana sensed that something had happened. Their performance was flawless, Maggie in her dapper tuxedo, Ariana in a flowing dress that showed off her terrific figure and beautiful attributes, but something was missing, it was automated, not as spontaneous as usual, the horses sensed it as well and while it was a good performance, it wasn’t as good as others. Fortunately only they knew it, the audience was as usual awed and appreciative. Ariana tried to talk to Maggie afterwards but she hid herself among the horses, taking off the feathers and leather straps and brushing them down to avoid Ariana and her questions which only got one word answers anyway.

  Ariana finally turned away and went to watch others perform. Maggie watched her surreptitiously hoping no one saw her as she lived with the guilt of realizing she was attracted to her best friend and feeling she had betrayed them both. Maggie lost a lot of sleep over it in the coming nights, she also spent a lot of time avoiding Ariana, getting up to leave when Ariana came over to eat at the same dinner table, finding excuses to not spend time with her, avoiding any impropriety.

  Of course in a close nit community such as there her avoidance was noted. “What is up with Maggie these days?” was asked time and time again.

  Perry let it be known that it was due to something, he didn’t say what, because he didn’t know what, but something that Martha had said had caused Maggie’s upset. If Martha wasn’t already reviled she would have been. More pressure was put in certain quarters for Carlton to get rid of her. Carl began to hear nasty little rumors that he couldn’t afford and if it cost them financially they all suffered.

  A couple of weeks later they had a layover in California before they would head up the coast to Oregon and Washington State. Maggie took the time to take her horses down to the beach, having never seen an ocean before it was awe inspiring. She spent several hours playing in the salt wat
er with her horses. Ariana had come along and enjoyed seeing the expressions on her friends face but she herself had been ignored for the most part. Ariana had sensed that Maggie needed some sort of healing, some sort of time to herself, and she respected her needs but she was tired of being ignored, of being avoided, of worrying about her friend who wouldn’t tell her what the problem was. Watching her on the beach though, playing in the waves with the horses who at first had been shy and later many came to swim in the water with the deluged woman who was wearing her normal dungarees and button down shirt she saw that Maggie began to heal. The unadulterated laughter, the genuine joy at playing with her massive beasts, all of that began to heal her from the inside out and for that Ariana was glad. For the first time in weeks Maggie looked normal, beyond normal, she looked young and carefree, the horses after their first timid pawing at the waves that kept coming after them, their snorting at the unfamiliar smell of salt water, their eyes rolling at the water splashed at them soon entered into the spirit of things as their human, their Maggie became the woman they all knew and adored.

  Ariana felt privileged to see Maggie this way, it was the most freedom she had seen in her friend and she could feel her heart clench as she wished her only joy. She wanted Maggie to be happy. To of seen her so unhappy for so long had really hurt her. That Maggie avoided not just her but everyone and wouldn’t discuss it with her was painful but whatever it was, whatever or whoever had hurt her and she had heard the rumors about Martha, she began to heal, now, on this beach in California and Arian was thrilled.

  They had to wash down the horses after they got back to the circus to set up. Naturally that many horses on the beach had attracted attention as well as that many going through the streets but Maggie and Ariana had passed out pamphlets about the circus and invited people to where the circus was set up. It was good publicity which was why Cecil hadn’t minded one of their main events taking off like that, as long as none of them got hurt and they came back in time to do a terrific show. Washing the salt from their coats, rubbing them down required more than the two of them had expected but some of the children from the circus who lived there, grew up there, and adored Maggie generously helped. A large water fight ensued but they all got cleaner for it and the horses dried off in the later afternoon sun looking happier and healthier than before. Even Maggie looked happier and healthier than anyone had seen in a long time.

  “Maybe she got laid” Martha said crudely when she overheard someone comment on Maggie and how she looked vastly improved.

  “Shut up Martha!” several voices said and she stopped in surprise. Had it been just one person she might have fought back and fought back dirtier but having several say it stunned her into an uneasy silence. It was then that Carlton decided, he would leave her here this time, she was fully healed, he wasn’t ever going to marry her as she wanted, she did no work for the circus without demanding huge payouts, and she had become a liability.

  No one missed Martha when she didn’t make the train after their three day show. No one said anything either although several looks said it all when her berth was empty. Forced to share with the ungrateful wench the showgirls didn’t miss her and didn’t hesitate to share with what she left behind.

  Oregon and Washington State were a successful series of shows. The loggers were appreciative of the pretty girls whose performances seemed just for them. The elephants, llamas, camels and other exotics were viewed as though from a picture book come to life. That they did tricks and entertained them was always a bonus. Seeing the lions and tigers was awe-inspiring. It was the horses though, something everyone had seen in the past, before the coming of the motor car that brought back nostalgia. Seeing the beauty of the blacks, perfectly matched, the beautiful exotic woman balancing on them, dancing on them, doing tricks with them, all controlled by another woman in topcoat and tails thrilled the audiences. Bigelow circus got their best audiences from the farmers and woodcutters of the Pacific Northwest.

  They encountered their first snows too in the mountains as they traveled south once again. For Maggie and her horses this was a first of firsts. Never having seen snow in the Deep South the horses pawed at it in question, sniffed at it, and snorted it out of their nostrils. They instinctively knew how to find their feed under the blanket that fell around them but they were confused and delighted by it by turns. Maggie found it cold and shivered in her blankets. She had warm clothing but nothing for cold such as this. Still, working with her horses she soon warmed up.

  “How can you ride without more clothing on?” Ariana asked her as she shivered in a sheepskin jacket, gloves, pants, and fur-lined boots.

  Maggie laughed at her from under the hat she had acquired and delighted in. One of the cowboys at the one of the stops in Oregon had bet his hat that his horse was faster than any of her blacks and Sampson had proven him wrong, so had many of the others who had competed. Maggie had quite a stash of gear that had been bet against the ‘pampered’ circus horses. Of course if she had lost she would have been a pauper but she had been confident in her horses’ abilities and the losers had paid off good-naturedly. She also had a sheepskin vest, some sheepskin chaps, and finely made leather boots that had room for thick socks on her delicate feet. She was warm from her exertions and the work that she always loved among her beloved horses.

  As they headed south again into Arizona and New Mexico, Maggie saw for the first time sand dunes and desert. She took the horses out and ran them on a local ranch, keeping well away from the dangers the rancher warned her about, bad water, alkali, snakes, and certain plants. The horses needed exercise and an all-out run was called for and enjoyed by all. She had been delighted to find many of her ‘family’ joining in on the run including Perry, Ariana, and many others as well as cowboys from the ranch where they were staying.

  “We’re going to have a fandango in honor of the circus arriving, we would be pleased if you would attend” the rancher invited them all generously. With her horses already on the ranch, just a quick ride into town to get to the circus Maggie needn’t worry her babies. What did worry her as word spread about the party was that she would be expected to dance. She had never danced except for with her father as he attempted to teach her Irish jigs. It had been a lot of years and a lot of changes and she wasn’t sure she was ready for such a party.

  “We’ll find you a costume and gussy you up!” Ariana promised her friend excited at the prospect of a party. They had dances and shindigs within the circus quite frequently, it gave the performers a chance to try out new outfits and steps but that was work, this would be play and there would be locals at the party.

  Maggie found herself the object of many of her family trying to ‘gussy’ her up. She ended up wearing an evening gown, stockings, and fancy slippers. She felt awkward in it; she had to learn to walk without her long strides and free flowing hips movements that had been natural for her for as long as she could remember. She did remember how to behave like a lady from her mama’s teachings but it had been so long unused she worried that she would disgrace herself.

  At the first sight of Maggie coming out of the tent, a little makeup on her fine face, her short hair slicked back and looking midnight blue in the lights, Ariana thought she had died and gone to heaven. Maggie looked lovely, she looked incredible, and Ariana wished she could declare her ‘mine’ to everyone but knew it wasn’t the time, or the place, not yet. She had been so grateful to get the ‘old’ Maggie back in California that she hadn’t analyzed her feelings or their relationship, she had just rejoiced in Maggie getting past whatever it was that had saddened her.

  A buggy took them out to the ranch as the horses were already out there and secretly Ariana was glad about it as she hadn’t wanted to ride side saddle and get horse hairs on her own fine dress. Maggie was struck speechless by how lovely Ariana looked. This, this was a lady. This was what a lady was supposed to look in her finery. A white gown with lace covering the bodice and holding it in elbow length see through sleeves, gloves
that came up to her elbows, in white too made her look so delicate, so ethereal, so beautiful. Maggie felt gauche next to her but the combination of the two beauties had many of their own family in shock as the stunners made an entrance. Immediately they were claimed for dances. Ariana graciously accepted. Maggie, shy and awkward, explained that she didn’t know how to dance and charmed her pursuers into teaching her. She soon caught on and found herself to be having a wonderful time.

  Time and time again Maggie danced with men in suits, some in tuxedos similar to what she wore in the show, some fit better than some but even Maggie knew she looked better in her own since it was custom fit by some of the finest seamstresses around. She made small talk; they were astonished to find her so knowledgeable about horses much less that she owned the dozen blacks housed here on the ranch that they had all seen and admired. She made countless contacts with men who were interested in her breeding program and stock, her circus horses making an indelible impression on the ranchers who prided themselves on endurance, heartiness, and beauty in their horse stock. Maggie herself though was holding her own. Time and time again though she wondered why she wasn’t physically attracted to any of the bachelors or even the married men she danced with, she found her eyes straying to see where Ariana was, what she was doing, who she was dancing with.

  Ariana was having a marvelous time or so it appeared. She was in fact worried that these ranchers would convince her friend and the woman she had fallen in love with to stay and breed horses. Her own glances included where Maggie was, what she was doing, and who she was dancing with. Time and again she took her own escorts to where Maggie was and introduced them which led to other dances with Maggie as they switched partners, unbeknownst to Ariana she was making Maggie more popular by this action as well as giving her more contacts. Maggie was definitely a woman like no other to these men.