Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  Two more nights, it’s just two more nights . . . She’d already managed one night; she’d get through the rest somehow, too.

  She couldn’t stare at the bar forever. She turned her head and – her gaze landed directly in line with Sonja’s eyes. Apparently, her boss had been watching her.

  “Are you bored?” Sonja asked.

  “Oh . . . hm . . . no, not really –” Kim was utterly confounded by the silky gaze of those gold-brown eyes. Never before had they been so close to her and looked at her so directly.

  “It’s not exactly exciting, I know, but I never promised it would be. You just need the certificate for the promotion.” She raised her eyebrows in slight apology. “Maybe I should’ve warned you.”

  “Hm . . . no . . . I –” Where was this going? Kim cleared her throat. “I do know about these seminars, not necessarily as a participant, but I’ve taken minutes or been in charge of the logistics for them now and again.”

  “I know.” Sonja smiled. “I’m familiar with your personnel file.”

  Oh, that smile . . . Damn it! “Of course.” Kim attempted to respond around the frog now stuck in her throat.

  Sonja sighed. “Business life is sometimes really dull. Unfortunately, it’s unavoidable. One simply has to make the best of it. Seminars like this aren’t exactly my thing, but the topic of this one comes up so rarely in other seminars, it just had to be.”

  Kim lifted her hands. “I have absolutely no objections. The seminar’s been quite interesting so far.” In one respect, anyway, she continued in her thoughts.

  “I’m glad to hear that.” Sonja went on smiling, and Kim didn’t know where she ought to look, so as not to seem impolite. Those lips . . . she could already feel their silky softness, as though she were touching them. Think about something else!

  “I think I’ll turn in a bit earlier tonight. It’s pretty tiring, listening so closely all day long.” Kim yawned behind a raised hand and stood up.

  “I’ll join you.” Sonja stood up as well.

  Must you?

  “Sonja, can I talk to you for a minute?” Klaus was leaning in their direction.

  Sonja hesitated imperceptibly, but then she nodded. “Of course.”

  Klaus stood and pointed at two armchairs in a corner of the foyer. “There?”

  He and Sonja went over to the conversation nook. A smirk, which Kim unfortunately could not join in on, traveled contagiously through the assembled ranks. She left the bar. On the way to her room, her Alka-Seltzer companion caught up with her.

  “Think something’s still going on between those two?” he asked, grinning.

  “Nothing’s going on,” Kim answered sharply.

  “Good grief, aren’t you a mother hen! You’d never know it to look at you.” He laughed. “She’s your boss, not your daughter. You don’t have to guard her virtue.” He laughed again. “I think she’s way beyond that. Seems to be quite the hot little number.”

  Kim shot him a withering glare.

  “Oh, excuse me!” He lifted his hands in the air. “Didn’t mean it like that. The lady is highly attractive, I wanted to say.”

  Kim remained silent.

  “Other ladies, too, though.” He tilted his head to one side. “You, for example.”

  “You don’t say.”

  “And I mean that, seriously.” He remained standing close to her, even while she was holding the keycard in her hand to open the door. “You’re much more attractive than she is – in your way.”

  “In my way? What way is that, then?” Kim had to chuckle. What questionable compliments her colleague was dishing out!

  “You’re just . . . well . . . nicer,” he replied vaguely. “I just like you.”

  “Because I happen to be the only woman other than Mrs. Kantner at this seminar?” Kim could no longer suppress her smirk. “The selection isn’t that large, you must admit.” She stuck the keycard into the slit in the door. There was a pling and the light above the slit switched to green.

  “I admit it. But even if there were more women here –”

  “You’d fall in love with me on the spot?” Kim laughed. “Oh, sure, I believe that.” She opened the door.

  Her colleague took a step toward her, putting one foot inside her room. “You’re not as cold as she is,” he whispered excitedly. “That one’s like a block of ice, the pure Sahara.”

  “A block of ice in the Sahara would presumably melt,” Kim said, amused but also annoyed. “And earlier, you claimed she was hot.” What kind of conversation am I having here? she thought, irritated.

  “Well, yeah, in a way, but –” He squirmed.

  “But she’s out of your league. Is that what you’re trying to say?” Kim shook her head. “And you don’t think I am?” She gave him a stony look. “Then be aware, my friend, I play in a completely different league than she does. And most definitely not in yours.”

  He just looked at her, dumbfounded and uncomprehending.

  Kim pushed his foot out of the way with hers, entered her room, and shut the door behind her. Good grief!

  A minute later, there was a knock at the door. Kim didn’t imagine it would be her erstwhile admirer and opened it. She was right. She let her boss inside.

  “Pardon me,” Sonja said, a little embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to . . . but I have to sleep somewhere, too, after all.”

  She looked outrageously sweet, standing there like that. Why couldn’t Kim just kiss her right now?

  “Did you want to go with him?” Sonja asked her. “I really didn’t mean to stop you –”

  How touchingly concerned she was about Kim’s sex life! If only she were so concerned in the right way . . .

  “No. You didn’t stop me from doing anything. Don’t worry.” Kim went to the bed and took her nightshirt out from under the pillow.

  “Men can certainly be awful sometimes,” Sonja remarked suddenly, and rather bitterly, it seemed.

  What on earth had Klaus done to her last night? She certainly hadn’t been sounding like this beforehand.

  Could Kim ask her about it? Hardly. This was none of her business. Sonja wasn’t her friend, she was her boss. They had no personal relationship whatsoever, as much as Kim regretted it. That didn’t change the facts.

  “You said it,” Kim agreed with her and went into the bathroom.

  When she returned and lay down on the bed, Sonja was getting ready to take her turn in the bathroom. She stripped down, completely naked, and walked past Kim, clad only in her birthday suit.

  Kim held her breath. Her body was – oh, God, she was starting to feel awfully warm . . . Her body was a work of art. Kim had, of course, touched Sonja’s breast once already, but the rest as well . . . she was truly beautiful – and insanely desirable. Though what Klaus had helped himself to last night, Kim couldn’t have.

  Kim rolled over and curled up under her blanket. A pathetic substitute for Sonja’s skin, which Kim yearned for; for Sonja’s caress, which Kim would never be permitted to experience except when she accidentally brushed her arm; for Sonja’s kiss, which Kim longed for.

  And Kim wanted more from Sonja than that. She wanted to hear the same sounds that she’d granted Klaus, the sighing and the moaning. Kim wanted Sonja to whisper her name the way she’d whispered Klaus’s. Ah, she was crazy. None of this would ever happen, and Kim knew it.

  Sonja came out of the bathroom – still naked – and slipped on a negligee when she’d reached her side of the bed. Kim briefly shut her eyes in order to calm herself down. It was an extravagant item. Didn’t she have anything simpler? Just for a trip to a seminar? But perhaps she’d been planning to amuse herself here. And had come prepared.

  Sonja lay down. “Would it bother you if I watch television?” She pulled the blanket up. “I’m not actually tired yet. I just wanted to get away from those . . . men.” She pronounced the last word with a certain degree of contempt. “But if you want to go to sleep –”

  “No, that’s fine,” Kim answered immed
iately. “I’m not tired yet, either.”

  Sonja smiled a little. “Lovely.” She got up to get the remote control.

  “Why don’t you grab something out of the minibar, too, and a couple packages of nuts or chips. I know there are some around here somewhere.” Kim grinned crookedly. “They say you’re not supposed to eat anything after you brush your teeth, but as far as I’m concerned, snacking just goes with watching TV.”

  Sonja nodded. “Yes, for me, too. Even though my mother made such an effort to teach me proper tooth brushing.” She was grinning now, as well.

  She brought the snacks back with her, and she plumped up her pillow so she could prop it behind her back.

  Like an old married couple, Kim thought.

  Sonja turned on the television and they agreed on a Woody Allen comedy, a real one, not one of his dark ones with the undertones of misery.

  It was delightful. They sat in bed, nibbling on chips and peanuts, drinking cola and wine – who cared if those went together? – and laughed themselves silly at Woody Allen’s jokes. Now and then, when Sonja wasn’t looking, Kim glanced over at her and enjoyed watching her laughing, relaxed profile. What a wonderful woman.

  When the movie ended, they talked about it a little, laughed anew over a couple of very funny scenes, and settled down to sleep.

  Sonja extinguished the light on her side of the bed. So did Kim on hers. Kim heard Sonja fall asleep; her breathing grew deeper, calmer. She murmured just a little as she finally sank all the way under.

  Kim desired her, would have loved to touch her, but at the same time, she simply enjoyed her presence, even now, as she slept. It was nice to have Sonja there, lying next to her, after they had laughed and gotten along so well together. All of that was a large part of what Kim wished for in a woman.

  The rest – well, that would never happen, and that was for the best. Kim sighed. She could no longer fend off the clutches of sleep, as the sandman paid her a visit and gave her a clear order to shut down her mental apparatus for the night.

  She sank into a dream very similar to the one she had the night before, except that this time her boss looked even more seductive, because Kim could now incorporate the view of Sonja’s naked body, which had been forced upon her, into her dream sequences.

  Kim awoke to the sound of someone crying. At first, she thought her senses were deceiving her, that it was a remnant of her dream (although no one in the dream had been crying, rather the opposite). But then she realized that the noises coming from the other side of the bed were real. Kim leaned over and touched Sonja’s averted shoulder. Pale moonlight shone brightly on her back.

  She didn’t seem to be awake; she was still sleeping. But she was crying – clearly, she was crying in her sleep. What should Kim do? Wake her? Maybe she’d be embarrassed to realize that Kim had been a witness to whatever unhappiness that was. But Kim couldn’t just leave her to cry like that. Sonja began to sob. It was heartrending.

  “Sonja . . .” Kim shook her shoulder very cautiously. “Sonja, please, wake up.”

  With a great spasm, Sonja suddenly threw herself onto Kim’s breast. “Hold me!” She sobbed. “Please, hold me tight!”

  She seemed to be talking in her sleep. Nonetheless, Kim did what she was asked and held Sonja in her arms. She stroked Sonja’s back soothingly and let her cry. Sonja slowly calmed down; the sobbing became softer, and the pauses between sobs, during which she breathed deeply, became longer.

  It seemed that she had fallen into a deep sleep on Kim’s breast. Well – to tell the truth, Kim really had nothing against that. Actually, it was turning her on; the way Sonja lay in her arms like that, her breath brushing against her skin . . . Kim could feel that Sonja was just exactly as soft as she’d imagined.

  Kim raised her hand and brushed it very carefully across Sonja’s face, with just one finger and very, very softly, so that she wouldn’t wake up. Oh, it was wonderful! What Kim wouldn’t have given to be allowed to go on caressing her. Not just her face, her whole body, her breasts, her belly, her thighs, and then between them –

  Something suddenly changed about Sonja’s posture; she froze in Kim’s arms and seemed not to breathe any more – she had woken up.

  Kim quickly pulled her hand away, and Sonja’s eyes flew open. She noticed where she lay. Within a flash she withdrew to her own side of the bed. “What . . . what happened?” she asked, shaken.

  “Nothing,” Kim reassured her. She reached toward the light switch. Perhaps with a little illumination this all wouldn’t feel quite so intimate.

  “Don’t,” Sonja said. “Please don’t.”

  Kim let her hand drop and stared at her boss through the dimly lit darkness. She couldn’t see much, but shimmering reflections formed in Sonja’s eyes whenever she moved.

  But she hardly moved at all. She just sat there trembling. Kim didn’t see but rather felt Sonja’s trembling. She was obviously waiting for something, a reaction from Kim, or to finally wake up from her bad dream. But it was no longer a dream.

  “What happened?” Sonja asked once more, this time more firmly and with a more alert-sounding voice, but in spite of that, she still sounded deeply shaken.

  “You were crying in your sleep, and then you . . . sought protection from me, and I held you. Then you woke up,” Kim explained to her, as soothingly as possible.

  “I . . . I’m sorry.” Sonja sounded deeply ashamed. “Please, forgive me for burdening you like that. I don’t know how that could’ve happened. Please forgive me.”

  “You had a bad dream. That happens to everyone from time to time.”

  Sonja let out a desperate laugh. “But not everyone responds to it by throwing herself into another woman’s arms! Especially when she’s a woman herself.” She straightened up a bit more. “I must sincerely apologize to you. That surely couldn’t have been . . . pleasant for you.”

  Kim felt sorry for her. It wasn’t fair. Sonja thought it had been terribly uncomfortable for her, and all the while, Kim had enjoyed it. In fact, Kim really regretted that Sonja had woken up. “I wouldn’t say that,” Kim replied honestly. She wanted no more deception. “I’m used to it.”

  From the darkness, only silence answered her. Then, after a while: “How . . . how do you mean that?” Sonja gave a somewhat nervous laugh. “Do people often soothe themselves at your breast?”

  “Not so much that,” Kim admitted. “Although – it’s happened once or twice, of course. But what I meant is that I’m used to holding a woman in my arms.”

  Sonja got up and went to the bathroom, where she turned on the light. The glow that appeared from the doorway made their bedroom no longer so dark. But it wasn’t proper light, either. She obviously wanted to avoid that for now. Her face was still in the shadows. “That means . . .?”

  She knew what it meant, Kim assumed, or else she wouldn’t have gotten out of bed so fast. “Since I’m neither a nurse nor a social worker, it means exactly what I said: I’m not interested in men, but in women.” Women like you, Kim would have liked to add, but that probably would’ve been much too shocking.

  Sonja folded her hands and went over to the little living room suite that stood in one corner of the room, two armchairs and one tiny loveseat. She lowered herself into one of the armchairs.

  In her flimsy negligee! Kim thought, concerned. She ought to put something on.

  “You’re going to catch a cold. Wouldn’t you rather get under the covers?”

  Sonja’s head shot up. No, she obviously did not want that . . .

  Kim didn’t know what to say. Really, nothing had happened. And so the room filled with silence.

  It took some time before Sonja spoke again. “The situation is somewhat . . . strange for me,” she remarked coolly. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t quite know how I ought to react.” Her voice sounded expressionless.

  Somehow Kim had to take the tension out of the situation. She laughed. “Well, you know, the situation is kind of strange for me, too. Never before hav
e I been in bed with a woman I have such a formal relationship with . . . and who, on top of that, is my boss.”

  Sonja looked at her, and again, said nothing. Kim had to end this. Clearly, her boss had a huge problem with her, and evidently some internal struggle, some big problem with herself, as well – whatever it was that caused her to cry in her sleep. If she didn’t want to talk about that, she was well within her rights. But then Kim couldn’t help her, either.

  “You’re going to freeze to death.” Kim stood up. “Please, get back into bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  Sonja looked over at the tiny piece of furniture. “You’d have to be a Lilliputian for that,” she remarked dryly and got up. “No, stay where you are! I’m being silly. I guess it’s all just been a bit too much for me these last few days. But you shouldn’t have to suffer for that. You’re right. The bed is big enough for both of us, after all.”

  Something she said resonated with Kim: I guess it’s all just been a bit too much for me these last few days. What did she mean by that? Why wouldn’t she speak her mind? Would that be so terrible? What had happened? But she obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

  She got back into bed, and Kim lay down again too. When Sonja crept under her blanket without looking over at Kim, Kim got up to turn off the bathroom light. Maybe Sonja had left it on intentionally, to keep Kim at more of a distance. But if that was the case, she ought to have said something. She didn’t.

  When Kim slid into her side of the bed once and for all, she noticed that Sonja had scooted over all the way to the far edge. If she moved just an inch further, she’d fall onto the floor.

  My God, she must be afraid of me! What did straight women really think of lesbians? That they had nothing better to do than pounce on unwilling partners? That’s how it looked, anyway.

  But Kim didn’t have to concern herself with what was going on in Sonja’s mind. She lay down in the middle of the mattress and rolled over.

  If Sonja wanted to sleep that uncomfortably – she was welcome to do so.