Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  But Kim certainly wasn’t about to ruin her own good night’s sleep.

  ~*~*~*~

  When Kim awoke, her boss was already gone. At breakfast, Kim assumed. She probably wanted to avoid any more all-too-private situations. Which was fine with Kim. She showered and headed to breakfast herself.

  Sonja was there, sitting alone at a table. It was still quite early. The others didn’t seem to be up yet.

  Kim went to the buffet, served herself and was about to head for a different table. Sitting down with her boss would’ve felt too intrusive. Sonja certainly wouldn’t welcome that, Kim was sure.

  But when Kim started in the opposite direction, Sonja called her name.

  Kim went over to her, but didn’t sit down. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning.” Sonja considered Kim, standing before her. “Please, sit down with me. Let’s have breakfast together.”

  Kim raised her eyebrows. She hadn’t expected this. But since her boss wanted her to, Kim sat down across from her. The waitress brought the coffee that Kim had already ordered when she’d first walked into the room.

  For a while, they sat across the table from each other in silence. Sonja was eating nothing, just drinking tea. Kim was hungry and bit heartily into her roll. The silent breakfast wasn’t exactly pleasant for her, but she certainly wasn’t going to starve on that account.

  At last, Sonja cleared her throat. “I have to apologize to you again. I behaved very stupidly last night. Please forgive me – I didn’t mean to insult you.”

  Kim shook her head. “You didn’t insult me. Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened.”

  “Oh, yes!” Sonja let out a dry laugh and leaned back. “A great deal happened!” She gave Kim a peculiar look. “Maybe not for you, but for me it did. You have to consider, I’ve never . . . I’ve never lain on a woman’s breast before, except my mother’s.”

  “And you’d hardly remember that.” Kim chuckled.

  Her boss laughed, a bit more relaxed now. “True.” She considered Kim again with the same odd expression. “You . . . you’ve always been with women?”

  Kim nodded. “Yes. Exclusively.” She spread butter on the other half of the roll and waited for what would come next.

  “And you were never . . . I mean –” Sonja broke off. This was clearly embarrassing for her. “Excuse me,” she pleaded again. “I’m pestering you with my questions. None of this is any of my business, after all.”

  Kim put her roll down and gave Sonja a friendly look. “There’s really nothing to it, though. For me, it’s completely normal. And to answer your question: I’ve never been with a man.” She laughed, amused. “Except during my teenage years. Then everyone thinks they have to be like everyone else and wants to give it a try. But I quickly found out that men were not for me.”

  “How –?” Sonja began to ask another question, but then dropped it right away. She shook her head, apparently at herself. “I’m dreadful,” she said then. “Usually I’m not this nosy. I have no idea what’s going on.” She laughed, a bit embarrassed.

  I could tell you what’s going on, Kim thought, mildly amused. You’re interested. Maybe you’re not as straight as you think.

  “What would you like to know?” Kim encouraged her. “You can ask me anything. I have absolutely no problem with it. Honestly.”

  Sonja considered Kim once more, this time even more intently. Ooh, she should be careful where she points that look! “If it’s so normal to you, then why didn’t you ever tell me about it?”

  “Did you ever tell me that you’re straight?” Kim asked, rather smugly, in return.

  Sonja laughed in surprise. “No, of course not. That’s just –” This time she broke off, because she’d obviously hit on a realization.

  “That’s just normal, you were about to say?” Kim inquired, still somewhat amused. “You see, it is for me, too. So why do I need to talk about it all the time?”

  “You’re right.” Her boss sat there, bewildered. “I never thought about it like that.”

  “I believe you,” Kim remarked with an amused twist of her mouth. “Straight women never stop to think about that sort of thing.”

  “Straight women!” Sonja spat out the phrase as if it were a derogatory term. Then she laughed again, rather nervously. “Even that –” she continued. “That you differentiate it like that. That’s completely strange to me. For me, before, it was always just men or women. And that was it.”

  Now Kim had to allow herself a mocking little smile. “There’s a great deal more to it. The selection you’ve encountered so far is pretty incomplete.”

  “Is it?” Again, Sonja gave Kim a funny look, as if something more was going on behind it. “Oh, God, what a disgrace I’ve made of myself now,” she remarked then, in the beautifully dry way Kim liked about her so much.

  “You haven’t done anything of the sort,” Kim appeased her obligingly. “How were you to know? Considering it’s completely irrelevant to your life.”

  “You’re very gracious. But it’s just as embarrassing. I feel like a little kid.”

  At that moment, two more seminar participants came in and joined their table, having served themselves at the buffet. That ended the conversation, since neither Sonja nor Kim wished to continue it in the men’s presence. They agreed on that without having to say a word.

  But Kim noticed something interesting after the two others joined them: Sonja was suddenly auditing her reactions to the men. As soon as one of them did or said something, Kim could see the wheels start to turn. Every time. A simple compliment that Sonja would previously have acknowledged with a modest, automatic smile now caused her to marvel. Several times she leaned back and watched the men as though she’d never before beheld such beings, as though the entire species had suddenly become strange to her. Probably, things were occurring to her that she’d never given a thought to before.

  She shouldn’t concern herself with this so much, Kim thought with an internal sigh. It will only confuse her. She shuddered a little at the thought that they were going to have to spend one more night together in the same room, in the same bed. It would be weird – now that everything was out in the open. After they’d talked about it.

  Granted, Kim had not told Sonja that she desired her, nor how much – and she would keep that to herself. That would definitely be too much for a woman like Sonja – but everything else Kim had told her was presumably enough to put Sonja a bit off her stride. That was quite clear.

  Kim was glad when the seminar finally began and they could go their separate ways. Poor Klaus! Today, Sonja watched him with completely different eyes than yesterday or the day before. She practically murdered him with her looks. He no longer had any idea where he ought to look, and he seemed to become more and more anxious. At lunchtime he excused himself to take care of some other business. Kim grinned. He wanted to escape Sonja’s piercing gaze, at least for an hour.

  But the afternoon passed as well, and Kim and Sonja retired to their room early after dinner.

  “I’d really like to go for a walk,” Kim said. “This area is so beautiful, and I haven’t gotten to see any of it. Would you like to come with me?”

  Sonja shook her head. “I’ll read a little. I could use the relaxation.”

  Hm. And to think of all the relaxing things Kim could show her . . . She grinned to herself and put on her sturdy walking shoes.

  Kim walked for longer than she had expected. She was glad that she’d accepted a flashlight from the concierge; it had gotten so late by the time she got back that she’d have been stumbling around in the dark, otherwise. And when she got to the room, Sonja was already lying in bed, asleep.

  Kim smiled and studied Sonja briefly . . . she was so adorable . . . then went quietly into the bathroom and showered. She had barely gotten horizontal herself when she, too, was asleep. The walk and the fresh air had been the best possible soporific.

  This time, Kim didn’t wake to crying, but to a touch – a touch on h
er breast! She could hardly comprehend it. Should she pinch herself to check that it wasn’t a dream?

  But no – it wasn’t a dream. A hand lay on her breast, caressing it cautiously, almost fearfully. Questing, it stroked over it and slid – probably accidentally – over the nipple, which immediately stood erect to meet it. The hand paused suddenly, and Kim had to bite her lip to keep from moaning.

  But why bite her lip, after all? She had started this. “That’s very nice, what you’re doing there,” Kim whispered.

  Sonja immediately pulled her hand back and placed a little more distance between herself and Kim. “I beg your pardon,” she said, abashed. And then once more, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what . . . what came over me.”

  Kim sat up slightly. “You want to try this, don’t you?” she asked gently.

  Sonja turned her head toward Kim, and Kim saw only the reflections in her eyes. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I truly don’t know. It’s so . . . your breast, it’s so soft . . . so wonderfully soft.” Her voice sounded amazed.

  Kim laughed. “Yes, that’s the case with women. Yours, too, you know.”

  “Yes, exactly,” Sonja said. “But that never occurred to me before. I never knew how . . . how nice it feels.”

  Kim slid over toward her. “There are many other things between two women that feel nice,” she said softly. “Very nice.” She bent down over Sonja and kissed her very softly. Her hand sought Sonja’s breast and stroked it, just as gently and carefully as Sonja had been with her.

  Sonja didn’t try to stop her, but she didn’t do anything else, either. She simply lay there, still, and let Kim proceed. Kim noticed, though, that Sonja’s breath had become very shallow. She wouldn’t permit herself to become aroused.

  Kim kissed her tenderly again, although Sonja wasn’t kissing her back. Kim hoped she would, and ran her hand down along Sonja’s body, seeking the hem of her negligee and pushing it up.

  “Oh, no, no!” Sonja suddenly gasped, pulling away from Kim’s mouth. “No, I can’t do that. Please –”

  Kim let her hand rest where it was, and looked at Sonja. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” she assured her. “I’ll follow your lead entirely.”

  “I . . . I can’t,” Sonja said in a very quiet, stifled voice. “I don’t think I can. This is so strange.”

  Kim withdrew her hand from beneath the negligee and placed it on Sonja’s breast. “Is this better?”

  “That’s –” Sonja broke off. “Yes,” she said then. “Better.” But her breathing was still shallow with fear.

  Kim leaned down to whisper into Sonja’s ear. “Don’t you want me to caress you? I won’t do anything to hurt you. I promise. Don’t be afraid.” She sat up, waiting for an answer.

  Sonja turned away from her and stared at the door. Sonja’s movement had dislodged Kim’s hand from her breast, and Kim’s hand lay loosely by her side. Kim looked at Sonja’s back quietly, giving Sonja time to sort out her thoughts.

  Sonja said nothing for quite a while. “I . . . I yearn to be caressed,” she said in a whisper Kim could barely understand, “but whenever I’ve thought about it, it’s always been a man who ought to be doing it, not a woman.”

  “So you don’t want that from me.” Kim gave Sonja’s shoulder one more tender caress and then withdrew again to her side of the bed. Alright then. She couldn’t force her, nor would she want to. Kim’s whole body was in an uproar. She desired Sonja. She wanted her. She was totally crazy about her. But that didn’t mean anything at all. That was her problem, not Sonja’s.

  “No.” Barely above a breath had this one word come from Sonja’s side. “No, I do want it. But I’m afraid.”

  “What are you afraid of?” Kim bent over Sonja and gently stroked her hair. “What could happen?”

  “I . . . I don’t know. I feel so uncomfortable with unfamiliar things.” Sonja’s voice was still very soft.

  “You’re a control freak!” Kim laughed. “I’ve noticed that at work.” She leaned farther over Sonja’s shoulder and whispered in her ear. “But this has nothing to do with work. You don’t have to control anything. On the contrary. Just let yourself go.”

  “That . . . I can’t do that.” Sonja turned to face Kim, scooting away from her at the same time. “I’ve never . . . it’s not my style –” She pushed herself up in bed until she was sitting up, and pulled the blanket up to her chin. “I’m not exactly the spontaneous type.”

  “You mean you and Klaus had that planned in advance?” Kim asked too quickly, before she could think about what she was saying. “Oh! I’m sorry.” She looked away from Sonja. “That’s none of my business.”

  “Indeed, it isn’t.” Sonja’s voice now sounded cool and composed. “But if you really want to know: no, we hadn’t.”

  “You mean, you’re not the spontaneous type with women, but you are with men. Is that what you were trying to tell me?” Kim noticed how much it was riling her up inside to be having this conversation.

  “I didn’t mean anything by that. You forced me to answer.” Sonja seemed to be entirely herself again. No more sign of uncertainty or fear.

  “Ah.” Kim stared at her. “Just like I was probably about to try to force you into having sex, is that it? If something were to happen, it would be all my fault; you have nothing to do with it, do you?” It’s always the same with these silly straight bitches! “I’m sorry.” Kim stood up and started to get dressed. She was now in dire need of some fresh air. “I’m sorry that I’m not what you need,” she apologized once more. Especially since you’re exactly what I need! It was quite the cross to bear.

  Kim picked up her pants and pulled them on.

  “What are you doing?” Sonja asked, irritated.

  “I’m going,” Kim replied. “I won’t molest you any more.” Although she was actually the one molesting me tonight . . . “Then you can sleep in peace. And if you want, I won’t come back until it’s time to leave. You’ll still drive me back, won’t you?” She turned on a light to search for her shirt.

  Sonja stared at Kim, not making a sound. What if Sonja wouldn’t drive her back? Kim wondered. In that case she would have to ask the concierge about other transportation options.

  “And it goes without saying,” Kim said when she’d finally found her shirt and was pulling it on, “that I will behave formally and respectfully to you in every way, as befits our professional relationship. I’m sorry to have forgotten myself in that way.”

  “Why are you so offended all of a sudden?” Sonja asked astonished.

  “I’m not offended!” Kim bridled. “I’m just . . . When you touched me it . . . it unleashed something in me. I understand that it’s not the same for you, but I am attracted to women, and you are a very desirable woman. And that is why I better leave now, so –”

  She can kiss my ass! Why am I telling her all this? None of this is any of her business whatsoever!

  “You find me desirable?” Sonja asked with interest.

  Oh, my gosh! “Yes.” She had to get out of here! “I think you know well enough what you look like. And you can hardly have missed the men’s reactions to you.”

  “Yes –” Sonja replied, very slowly, “the men’s. But apparently I missed yours.”

  Kim went to the door. “Sure. You’re not interested in my reaction.”

  “Stop!” It sounded like an order.

  Kim froze with the doorknob in her hand.

  “You’re not getting away from me like that! I’m still your supervisor.”

  “I’ll resign as soon as we get back,” Kim responded with a stony stare at the door. “Don’t worry.”

  Kim heard Sonja get out of bed behind her and come toward her. Why couldn’t she just let her go? She felt Sonja’s breath on her ear.

  “I don’t want you to resign,” she whispered. “And I don’t want you to leave, either.” She wrapped her arms around Kim and held her firmly.

  “Ah – and what do you want, then, Mrs. Kantne
r?” Kim snapped.

  “Please, stop it,” Sonja said with a quiet voice. “Stop treating me that way.”

  Kim felt Sonja against her back, her breasts, her warmth, her closeness. It was so wonderful – and so terrible. “I can’t stay,” Kim forced the words out from between tight lips. “I want to sleep with you, but you don’t want that, and of course I respect that. If that’s the way it is, I can’t change it, but then there’s no way I can stay. I can’t stand being so close to you, but so far apart at the same time. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?”

  “Of course I do,” Sonja answered, still softly. “But . . . but I never said that I don’t want it.”

  Kim turned around in surprise, making Sonja loosen her grip. “Yes you did!” she protested, gaping at Sonja, who stood directly before her.

  “I’m not very spontaneous with these things, is what I said, and that really isn’t the same thing,” Sonja defended herself.

  Kim continued to gape. “You said all your fantasies revolve around men. There’s no room for a woman in that.”

  “Men are the only thing I know,” Sonja said earnestly. “What else should my fantasies revolve around? Perhaps I forgot to mention it, but not only am I not very spontaneous, I’m not very imaginative, either. My fantasies are nothing but . . . memories. I can’t remember something that never happened.”

  “You’ve never even dreamed about a woman?”

  “No.” Sonja shook her head with regret. “Not yet.”

  “Well, then, that’s the way it is.” Kim sighed. “I’ll go.”

  She started to turn around again, but Sonja wouldn’t let her. She embraced Kim and pressed herself against her, so that Kim stumbled back into the door. “No,” she said, “you won’t.” She sought Kim’s eyes. “That I’m a little afraid of something new and strange, is something you’ll just have to accept. And that I have too little imagination to picture something unknown, that I have no experience with, is . . . well, okay, I admit that’s my fault. But have you always known everything in advance? Before you slept with a woman for the first time, did you know what it would be like?”