Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “Every time?” Kim looked at her. A different expression had crept onto Sonja’s face. It no longer appeared dismissive, but rather . . . yearning, Kim thought. Yes, Sonja yearned for something that she wasn’t getting, and she tried to protect herself from disappointment by pretending that she didn’t want it in the first place.

  “Every time, just like this time. What’s the point? Another name on the long list. Isn’t that so? I’m no more than that for you – nor are you for me.”

  “There is no list. At least none that you’re on. Where I stand on yours, of course, I don’t know.” Oh, Sonja, Kim thought. What have I done to you? I’m so sorry.

  “The sex was good,” Sonja said prosaically. “As far as I can judge. I don’t have any experience with women, of course. As far as that’s concerned, I would’ve wished for things to last a little longer.”

  “Only as far as that’s concerned?”

  “Beyond that . . .” Sonja waved a hand vaguely, “. . . there isn’t much else . . . to an affair,” she added.

  “Because that’s how you define it,” Kim said.

  “Because that’s how everyone defines it,” Sonja corrected. “It would be ridiculous to expect something else.”

  “Well, then, I’m ridiculous. Because I expected something different, and I define it differently.”

  “Your behavior doesn’t indicate that.”

  “My behavior proves how ridiculous I am.” Kim made a helpless gesture.

  “Stop that! You’re not ridiculous!” Sonja insisted angrily.

  “Thanks. But in relation to you, I clearly am. Since the very first time I saw you . . .” Kim sighed. “I fell head over heels for you from the start. That’s never changed.”

  “Head over heels? You mean you wanted to sleep with me.” Sonja’s voice sounded dry.

  “It would make absolutely no sense for me to deny that.” Kim sighed. “But . . .” She leaned against the wall. She felt a certain weakness inside. “As you so aptly remarked, I’ve known a number of women before . . . closely, I mean . . . and I have never . . . Oh, well, at first, I thought it was the same with you, but it isn’t. It’s more. So much more.”

  “But it can never be more. It never could have been more,” Sonja corrected herself. “Now, of course, it’s out of the question in any case.”

  “Yes, unfortunately. And it’s my fault.”

  Sonja seemed indecisive. “I can’t trust you anymore,” she said rather sadly. “The situation wouldn’t change, you’d get jealous again, and then –”

  “And then try to . . . rape you?” Kim asked, profoundly ashamed. “Never. I’d never do anything like that again. But that doesn’t sound very believable, I can see that.”

  “No, it doesn’t sound very believable,” Sonja repeated. “I . . .” She took a deep breath. “I just don’t want any problems, do you understand? I have enough going on. I don’t need –” She broke off.

  “You don’t need me causing you problems, too,” Kim said sorrowfully. “I understand that perfectly well.”

  “Kim, I . . .” Sonja slammed the door shut with a loud bang. “Ah, damn it!”

  Kim raised her head. What was it now, all of a sudden?

  Sonja started to walk towards the kitchen, but then she spun around. “Why can’t we simply be friends, completely innocently?” she asked, breathing heavily.

  Kim looked at her and tried to ignore how seductively her breasts heaved with every breath. “We can’t,” she said. “At least, I can’t.”

  Sonja turned away. “Neither can I, that’s the hell of it,” she murmured.

  “What did you say?”

  “I . . .” Sonja turned around and looked at her once more. “I . . . I don’t want it to end like this, and I don’t want it to go on like this. I don’t want to have to be wary of you all the time. I just want –”

  Maybe love after all? Kim thought. “Sex?” she asked.

  Sonja hesitated. “Yes,” she said then. “Consensual, if possible.”

  “If possible?” Kim suddenly had to smirk. She tried to put that feeling away fast, though; she knew that Sonja had a point.

  “I never wanted anything else. That would put us right back at the beginning.”

  “Yes.” Kim nodded reflectively. “But you said you couldn’t trust me anymore.”

  “And you said you’d never do it again,” Sonja countered.

  “You’d give me another chance?” Kim could hardly believe it.

  “Your last. This is really the last one. The very last. And then I’m completely out of fresh starts.”

  “That . . . Sonja . . .” Kim swallowed. “Do you really mean that seriously?”

  “More seriously than you can imagine,” Sonja said. “I don’t make statements like that frivolously.”

  Kim looked at her. She wanted so much to hug her, to pull her close, to sink into her softness. But she didn’t dare.

  “What are we going to do now?” Sonja asked. “Keep standing around?”

  “I . . . Sonja . . .” Kim swallowed, cleared her throat, swallowed again. “I would so much like to kiss you, but I don’t know –”

  Sonja came up to her. “Then do it,” she said softly. “I hope you don’t think you have to ask every time, now. That could get tedious.”

  “Yes.” Kim laughed uncertainly. “It could. But I don’t want to do anything wrong, either. I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.”

  “In this case, you’re not.” Sonja brushed one finger across Kim’s cheek. “Not at all.” She nipped at Kim’s lips with her own, then withdrew.

  Kim couldn’t believe her good fortune.

  “Should I go?”

  Kim shook her head. She couldn’t say anything. She raised a hand and stroked Sonja’s hair, approaching her carefully and waiting for her reaction.

  Sonja remained standing there, very calm, doing nothing. Kim caressed her hair, her cheek, her neck, and then let one finger wander up to her lips and caress them very, very gingerly.

  “Ooh!” Sonja laughed. “That tickles!”

  Kim smiled slightly. She leaned forward and plucked at Sonja’s lips just as Sonja had done to her, caressed them very softly and gently with the tip of her tongue until Sonja opened them, waiting for more. Kim went slowly and unbuttoned Sonja’s blouse, pushing it off her shoulders along with the jacket. She abandoned her mouth, kissed her neck and the soft bend on the way down toward the tops of her breasts, then wandered up along the other side back to Sonja’s mouth. She kissed her so tenderly that Sonja sighed deeply.

  Sonja pushed Kim away slightly so that she could look into her eyes. “Nothing is going to change,” she said carefully. “Do you understand? I will come and go, but I will never stay.”

  “I know.” Kim nodded. “And I’ll never demand it again, either.”

  Sonja considered her for a while, holding her eyes for so long that Kim could barely stand it. “Good,” she agreed. She leaned forward and kissed Kim in return, with growing passion.

  Kim felt the passion overtake her, but in a different way than earlier in the evening. It was passion, yes, but there was a warm feeling of tenderness mixed with it that seemed to carry the passion on a cushion of air. Peculiar, but that’s how it was.

  They kissed for a long time, merging with one another, each seeking the other’s mouth over and over as though nothing else existed but these lips, marrying time and again.

  After what seemed an eternity, they separated, and Sonja laid her head on Kim’s breast. “That was so nice,” she whispered. She laughed softly. “You kiss so well.”

  “I’ll return that compliment.” Kim smiled. “I believe it was a team effort.”

  Sonja raised her heads. “Well, then, we’re a really good team.”

  “We always have been. Right from the start.”

  “That’s true,” Sonja said. “It was just a little . . . different then.”

  “You drove me insane whenever you were near me, just like now.”
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  “Really?” Sonja looked at Kim.

  “Don’t you know that?” Kim smiled. “You kept touching me, just incidentally, on the arm, on the shoulder. You weren’t even aware of it. But for me, of course, it was . . . mmm . . . exciting.”

  “Exciting? To what degree?”

  “You coquette! You know perfectly well to what degree.”

  “A little coquetry is in order, I think. What woman doesn’t like to hear it?” Sonja’s hand slid under Kim’s robe. “How exciting was I to you?” she asked in a whisper. “Could I have felt it?” She pushed her hand between Kim’s thighs.

  Kim moaned. “You could have,” she said with an effort. “Usually.”

  Sonja’s fingers stroked across Kim’s labia. “And now?” she breathed. “How exciting do you find me now?”

  Kim was breathing heavily. “You can feel it.” She bit her lip. “Sonja . . .” she said in a choppy whisper. “I . . . I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want . . . I mean, I promised you –”

  Without a word, Sonja drew her over into the living room and lay down on the couch. “Come . . .”

  Kim stared at her for a moment, utterly overwhelmed, then knelt down next to the couch in front of her, watched Sonja’s face, caressed her hips, slid up to her breasts.

  Sonja closed her eyes and laid her head back.

  “Oh, Sonja . . .” Kim began to undress Sonja, and when her upper body was naked, leaned down and took a nipple between her lips.

  Sonja sighed.

  Kim licked the other nipple while rubbing the first one with her thumb, and Sonja began to move restlessly. Kim unzipped Sonja’s skirt to slip it over her hips, and Sonja raised them to allow Kim to pull down her skirt and panties, undressing her completely.

  Sonja now lay completely naked before her. Kim swallowed.

  “Come lie on top of me,” Sonja whispered. “Please.” Kim rose and started to take off her robe, but Sonja insisted: “No, keep it on. Come like that.”

  So Kim pushed the robe just a bit to the side, bent over Sonja and lay on top of her.

  “Yes,” Sonja breathed almost inaudibly.

  Kim descended into her; that intoxicating feeling took her breath away. She sought Sonja’s lips, kissed them, entered her mouth and explored it bit by bit until Sonja was panting beneath her. And so was she.

  “Kim . . . Kim . . .” Sonja whispered with arousal when the kiss ended. Her fingers sought a path between Kim’s legs and entered in between Kim’s wet labia.

  Kim threw her head back and moaned. She felt nothing now but lust, lust, lust. Sonja’s fingers moved quickly, teasing her brutally; she thrust against them, and it didn’t take long before she collapsed on top of her. Her heart raced and her loins throbbed.

  “Sonja . . .” she whispered, spent. “Beloved . . .”

  Sonja caressed her, her hair, her shoulders, her back. “I made you wait a long time for that, I’m sorry.”

  Kim straightened up slightly. “You’re sweet,” she said with a smile. “So sweet.” She noticed the way Sonja’s lips drew her magically in; she kissed them, then slid slowly down along her body, kissed her breasts, her belly –

  “No!”

  Kim looked up. “You still don’t trust me?”

  “I . . . I’m sorry, Kim, I can’t . . . not today. Please understand . . .” Sonja’s voice sounded tormented.

  Kim caressed her once more, her belly, her thighs, then stood up and pulled the couch, with Sonja on top of it, outward.

  “Oof!” Sonja said.

  Kim grinned and lay down next to her. “I thought we could use a little more room.”

  Sonja smiled. “There’s something to that.” She considered Kim’s face, seeking understanding in her eyes. “Please, don’t be mad at me,” she pleaded softly. “I . . . I just can’t do that. Not yet. I promise you –”

  “You don’t need to promise me anything.” Kim rested a finger on Sonja’s lips to interrupt her. “There are plenty of other things we can do. You shouldn’t feel forced into anything. We’ll only do what you really want to. Okay?”

  “I . . . I feel so dumb.” Sonja was embarrassed. “I’d love to –” She caressed Kim’s face. “I’m sorry.”

  “I only feel sorry for you, because it’s really very nice.” Kim leaned over Sonja and gently caressed first one breast, then the other.

  Sonja moaned softly.

  Kim kissed her and caressed her breasts anew, until her nipples felt like they were about to burst out of their skin, hard and aroused. Then she slid one hand downward and felt for Sonja’s center. Sonja was very wet again, like the first time, but Kim only stroked her gently between her legs, not entering her.

  Sonja murmured something incomprehensible. Her hips rose and fell, rose again. Now she moved ever more restlessly.

  Kim caressed the outsides of Sonja’s labia, feeling the moisture making its way out from inside. She desired Sonja terribly, but she wanted this to take a long time. As restitution for all the sins she’d committed against her.

  Sonja reached for her, pulled her close, dug her nails into her back.

  “Ow!” Kim said.

  Sonja opened her eyes, at least halfway, and deep, dark seas came into view, dark with arousal and desire. “Sorry.” She breathed heavily. Her eyes blurred.

  “That’s okay.” Kim leaned even closer to her. “I was just startled.” She kissed Sonja again, caressing her inner thighs all the way up.

  Sonja’s body rose with a moan. Kim recalled that she was especially sensitive there. She caressed her more, running up and down, and Sonja’s moans became ever louder.

  “Please,” she begged. “Please . . .”

  Slowly, Kim let her hand wander back between her legs; she spread the labia a little, slipped in between them, and felt like it was almost swimming in a sea. She closed her eyes because it also aroused her infinitely, to know and to feel how wet Sonja was. She would’ve loved to explore those depths with her mouth.

  Carefully, she entered Sonja with one finger. Sonja let out a sharp cry, and a wide hollow opened itself eagerly. Kim added all the rest of her fingers to the first one; otherwise, she could never have filled Sonja up.

  Gently, she began to glide in and out. Sonja’s hips thrust, rolled, writhed, forced themselves against her. She became ever wilder, digging again into Kim’s back. This time, Kim was prepared and bore the pain without a word.

  “Oh . . . ah . . . oh . . . yes . . . yes . . . oh . . . yeah . . .” Sonja’s cries of arousal sent lightning bolts through Kim’s body.

  She caressed Sonja’s pearl, and Sonja nearly leapt off the sofa, wordless sounds bursting from her. She became ever louder. “Oh . . . oh God . . . oh my God!” She thrust into the air, held herself rigid, thrust again. “Oh . . . yeah . . . Kim . . . yeahhh!” She could no longer contain herself. “Yes! Now!” Sonja cried out, moaned, murmured nonsense, then the building tension immobilized her while it crescendoed. She crested, and then went limp. A loud sigh appeared to signal the end.

  Kim withdrew her fingers, and Sonja moaned softly once more. Kim tenderly caressed the swollen lips. Sonja twitched. Kim smiled. She began to fondle the labia again from the outside.

  “Oh no!” Sonja whispered, but her hips twitched again.

  Kim sought her pearl, teased it, pressed it, rubbed quickly across it.

  Sonja gasped and slid her bottom back and forth on the couch.

  Kim caressed her some more; Sonja moaned, sighed, moaned, and climaxed again soon after. Kim didn’t let that deter her, but undaunted, drove her to the next orgasm.

  In the end, there were six before Sonja begged, “No, stop, please, Kim . . . I can’t anymore . . .”

  Kim let her hand lie still. “You can take a minute to think about it.” She grinned.

  “Heavens.” Sonja lay there with her eyes closed and looked ravishing, in Kim’s opinion. “Heavens,” she repeated. She opened her eyes. “That was unbelievable.” She took a deep breath.

  “Unbelievabl
y good or unbelievably awful?” Kim asked with a smile.

  “Both. It was awful and great at the same time. I felt so . . . at your mercy.” Sonja looked at Kim. “You could’ve done anything to me. I wouldn’t have been able to defend myself.”

  “I hope I didn’t do anything to you that you didn’t want.”

  “No.” Sonja looked at her with a peculiar expression in her eyes. “You didn’t.”

  Kim didn’t know what she ought to say. What did it mean that Sonja was looking at her so oddly? “Are you hungry?” she asked, to evade that look. “I could make us something to eat. How about a little snack?”

  “I am hungry.” Sonja pushed herself on top of Kim. “But the kind of hunger I have isn’t satisfied by food.” She fell upon Kim’s mouth and kissed her deeply and passionately.

  The next few hours didn’t satisfy anyone’s hunger for food, as Kim and Sonja were occupied with other things.

  At last, they lay next to one another, exhausted, and Sonja cuddled up against Kim’s shoulder. They were quiet, until Sonja sighed.

  “What is it?” Kim asked.

  “I . . .” Sonja swallowed. “I have to go.”

  A block of ice rammed itself into Kim’s heart. “Yeah. I know.”

  Sonja caressed Kim’s face one more time, then stood up and went into the bathroom. Kim heard the shower.

  When Sonja came back to get dressed, Kim watched her, although she would rather have run away. She wanted to hold Sonja tight, but she knew that was impossible.

  “Tomorrow . . .” Sonja gazed out the window. “Tomorrow I can’t. So we’ll see each other on Monday. Will you come see me, to discuss the project?”

  Kim took a deep breath. “Yes. When?”

  “First thing in the morning,” Sonja said. “Then we have to get going, out to Eichhalde. Eight o’clock?”

  Kim’s lips twitched slightly. “How about seven?”

  Sonja looked back at her with a faint smile. “I don’t want to make you get up that early.”

  “It’s my idea. Seven, then.”