Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “Then you’ll both be – leaving Germany?” Kim looked stunned.

  “Yes, but you should know that you can come visit us in France anytime. You’re always welcome. You’re practically a daughter to us.”

  Kim shook her head. “I never would’ve thought it would come to this.”

  “Aw, Kimmie.” Rolf came up to her and took her in his arms. “You’ll see, it won’t be that much of a difference. After all, we haven’t seen each other every day lately, either.”

  “But . . . but . . .” Kim swallowed. “When you and Margit are so far away . . .”

  Rolf held her a little away from himself. “I’m convinced Margit will find a way to get one of her cakes to you on a regular basis.” His eyes twinkled with pleasure.

  That broke the spell. All of a sudden, Kim had to laugh. She let go of Rolf. “Yes, that’ll maintain the relationship!”

  “Absolutely.” Rolf nodded. “I’m only here for a visit today, too. I have to go to personnel to set up the early retirement with them. Starting tomorrow, I’ll come in half-days, just for the mornings. I don’t need to teach you the ropes anymore, of course, but I’ll stay as long as it takes to wrap up all the loose ends with the personnel department, including hiring your replacement. Knowing their usual pace, that could take several months.”

  “If it were up to me, the longer, the better. But I’ll grant you your cottage in the Camargue. You’ve earned it fair and square. Do you have a place in mind already?”

  “We do. We’ve looked around whenever we’ve been there the past few years, and I think Margit probably knows exactly what she wants. Most of the houses aren’t in very good condition. So I’ll have some work to do before what we buy is really habitable. But I don’t want to just sit around and be lazy, either, so that suits me just fine.”

  “Don’t overdo it.” Kim looked at him with concern.

  “No, no.” Rolf laughed. “Working in the fresh air hardly feels like work, it’s more like recreation.” He reached out a hand to her, and when she gave him hers, he laid his other hand on top. “I’m glad to be able to hand everything over to you, child. This way, I know it’s all in good hands.”

  Kim felt tears welling up inside. It sounded so final. “I’m glad that you’re well again,” she said, swallowing hard.

  Rolf let go of her hands. “Thank you, my dear. Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow.” Kim watched him as he left the office.

  She felt as though she’d been thrown into the deep end and now had to swim. During the last several months, she’d taken over Rolf’s tasks, but had never thought of it as anything other than a temporary solution. Until Rolf came back. And now he was back, but that was the temporary solution. Sometime in the foreseeable future, she was going to be left entirely on her own.

  She walked over to the window and looked out at the busy street. It wasn’t that she felt overwhelmed by the work, but Rolf hadn’t just been her boss – Rolf and Margit were like family to her. And now, her family was moving far, far away.

  Out of the corner of her eye, something caught her attention. Softly flowing hair with the auburn glow of ripe chestnuts. Sonja. She was walking, energetically as always, down the street.

  Where was she going? Kim frowned. Sonja was dressed unusually for a day at work. Kim had never seen her wear jeans to the office. On Saturdays, yes, when they got together, but never at work. Well, there must be a reason for it. Maybe all her suits were at the cleaners.

  She would’ve liked to open the window and call something out to Sonja, but due to the central air conditioning the windows had no handles. So Kim just followed Sonja with her gaze, as she walked on down the street and disappeared around a corner. Her heart beat a little faster. It still did that, after all these months. We’ll see each other later, at lunch, she thought.

  And she smiled.

  ~*~*~*~

  At the appointed time, Kim stood outside the cafeteria and waited for Sonja, who was quickly approaching. “You changed your clothes?” she asked amazed, when Sonja had reached her.

  Sonja frowned. “Why would I change clothes?”

  “You were wearing jeans earlier.”

  “Jeans?” Sonja looked at her and shook her head. “To work? I don’t think so.”

  “Not in the office, on the street,” Kim explained. “When you were on Michelbergring.”

  Sonja furrowed her brow even more deeply. “On Michelbergring? I wasn’t on Michelbergring. I had one meeting after another all morning long. I never left the main office building.”

  “I was wondering what you were doing over on Michelbergring, on foot, on the street. You never even looked up.” Kim laughed. “Wow. It was someone else who looked exactly like you. I could’ve sworn it was you.”

  Sonja shook her head, disbelieving. “No, that definitely wasn’t me. I’ve been here all morning, and I haven’t even looked up for a second.”

  “Funny. I thought you were going to walk through my office door any minute.”

  “Ask Ms. Mayrhofer, if you don’t believe me.” Sonja seemed out of sorts.

  “No, no.” Kim laughed once more. “I don’t need to ask Jo to believe you. I should probably see an eye doctor instead.” They entered the cafeteria together. “Rolf came to see me this morning.”

  “He’s finally back?” Sonja looked at her with interest.

  “Yes and no.” Kim took a deep breath. “He’s back, but only part-time, and not for too long, either.”

  “What does that mean?”

  They made their way over to the table that had become their regular place in recent weeks. The bottle of spring water, that Sonja usually ordered, was already served for her.

  “It means that he’s taking early retirement.” Kim sighed. “And until then, he’s only working half days. He and Margit want to buy a house in the Camargue and spend their golden years there.”

  Sonja nodded. “That’s always been their dream.”

  “Yes, I know, but –”

  “It’s happening so suddenly.”

  Kim nodded. “Rolf invited me to visit them there anytime.” She looked at Sonja. “Maybe some time, we could go together –”

  “The two of us?” Sonja appeared to find that extremely absurd. She stared at Kim.

  “Yes, the two of us.” Kim sighed. “Don’t you think it’s getting to be about time?”

  “About time? For what?”

  “For a vacation?” Kim observed Sonja’s face. “The two of us?”

  Sonja’s expression didn’t change. “That won’t work. You know that.”

  The waitress brought Sonja’s salad and gave Kim an inquiring look. “The number two special, please,” Kim ordered.

  With a nod of acknowledgement, the waitress disappeared.

  “Vacation, Sonja,” Kim said. “Do you even know what that is?”

  “Of course,” Sonja replied. “As soon as the reorganization is finalized, I’m taking my vacation.”

  “But you won’t spend it with me,” Kim surmised.

  “Kim, please . . .” Sonja waited until the waitress had set Kim’s food in front of her and they were alone at the table again. “We weren’t going to have this discussion anymore. Until now, that’s worked quite well.”

  “Six months.”

  “That’s a long time.” Sonja began to eat. “And I thank you for . . .” she looked up, “for being so . . . patient.”

  “Yes.” Kim sighed and leaned back in her chair. “I never would’ve thought that I could be so patient.”

  “Is your patience exhausted?” Sonja looked at her salad, not at Kim.

  “Sometimes I think so. It’s so hard for me –” Kim leaned forward and propped her elbows on the table. “It’s so hard for me to spend every night without you,” she continued quietly.

  “I know.” Sonja looked up, but gazed over Kim’s shoulder. “Me, too.”

  Kim’s heart skipped a beat. Sonja had never said a thing like that before. Kim
had often wondered whether Sonja missed her at all when they weren’t together. “You, too?”

  “Yes.” Sonja picked at her salad, and said no more.

  “Sonja . . .” Kim said. “Vacation. Only a couple of days. Just for us. A couple of days, and a couple of nights. Would that be that so difficult?”

  “More difficult than you can imagine,” Sonja said tiredly.

  Kim gave her a pleading look. “Back then, at the seminar, it worked. I’m not asking for more than that.”

  “A seminar isn’t the same as a vacation.”

  Further questions were inherently forbidden, because then Kim would have broken her promise. She sighed. “Let’s talk about something else.”

  Sonja looked relieved. “Rolf and Margit in the Camargue . . . I imagine that being quite amusing,” she said. “The locals will soon have a whole new appreciation of cake in all its varieties.”

  “They’ve been there many times.” Kim took up the topic. “Their future neighbors probably already know all about Margit’s cakes. Who knows whether they’ll even sell them a house, under those circumstances?” She laughed.

  “Indeed.” Sonja grinned. “The whole of Camargue will barricade itself.” Her gaze wandered dreamily into the distance. “It must be beautiful there. Rolf always described it so vividly whenever he comes home from there. The landscape, the horses. The photos, too . . . it’s really a dream landscape.”

  “My dream is to be in that landscape with you.” Kim watched Sonja’s face lost in its reverie. “Like Rolf and Margit. I’d even take on the burden of Margit’s cakes for that.”

  “I couldn’t ask such a great sacrifice of you.” Sonja’s gaze returned to Kim. “Unfortunately, I have another meeting coming up right now, so I can’t stretch my lunch hour today. I’ll see you in two hours, at the team meeting.” She stood up.

  “And this evening?” Kim asked.

  “I didn’t want to overtax your patience.” Sonja looked down at her. “But if you want, I’d be glad to.”

  Kim smiled. “I want.”

  “Then around the usual time.” Sonja smiled likewise. Very gently.

  It seemed difficult for her to leave the cafeteria, but with a last glance at Kim, she managed it after all.

  They couldn’t even give each other an innocent little kiss in public, the way dating or married couples did when they parted after lunch. Kim missed that more and more. During the day, when Sonja and Kim were both working, it was all right. Work offered plenty of distraction, and sometimes they even worked together. But nights . . . nights were an ordeal.

  As soon as Sonja left, Kim tried not to think about her anymore, or about the empty bed or her lonely apartment that still held Sonja’s scent. She knew she’d see Sonja again the next morning, when they worked together, or at lunch at the latest, but first, she had to get through the night. Alone.

  A person could get used to anything, of course, and she had to come to terms with what she couldn’t change. Nonetheless the wish grew in her to have Sonja all to herself. At night, too.

  And Sundays. Sonja was never available on Sundays; they only ever got together Monday through Saturday. Why Sundays weren’t available to her, Sonja didn’t say. That’s just how it was.

  Kim suppressed the thought that Sonja wanted to spend that one day of the week with her husband. All alone. Kim had the days, Sonja’s husband had the nights – and Sunday. It was like a ménage à trois.

  And yet, it wasn’t that at all. Of course, they never talked about Sonja’s husband, but it was clear that Sonja didn’t spend all that time with him voluntarily. He was still terrorizing Sonja during the day with his phone calls, but Jo was now sheltering her from those fairly well. Sonja had never actually asked her to do that, but Jo did it anyhow. Often Sonja didn’t even find out that her husband had called.

  “Hey, there, lost in thought? I hear your boss is back.” Jo said to Kim. They’d almost collided at the cafeteria door.

  Kim was startled. Her thoughts had been miles away as she’d wandered to the exit, and she hadn’t seen Jo coming. She smiled, surprised. “News travels fast.”

  “Always,” Jo said. “I had lunch with the little cutie in your department.”

  Kim frowned.

  “Please, don’t mention it to Jenny.” Jo looked contrite. “It doesn’t mean anything. I just don’t like to eat alone, and you usually leave me in the lurch because of Mrs. Kantner.”

  “I’m sorry.” Kim felt guilty.

  “If only you knew what torture you’re abandoning me to,” Jo teased. “She’s already on her third boyfriend since I’ve known her. And every time, it’s the same. Dick-obsessed, ad nauseum.”

  Kim chuckled. “I hope it’s entertaining, at least.”

  “It’s getting repetitive.” Jo sighed. “Don’t straight women ever learn?” She looked quickly at Kim. “Oh, excuse me, I didn’t mean to –”

  “It’s fine. I’d say lesbians aren’t much better, wouldn’t you?”

  “When I look at you, yes.” Jo shook her head. “Mrs. Kantner has gotten much nicer since you’ve been with her, I’ll admit that, but she’s still married.” She raised her hands when she saw Kim’s expression. “I know, you don’t talk about that with her, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking my thoughts, does it?” She grinned. “New subject. What are you wearing to the wedding?”

  Kim arched her eyebrows. “Why does that matter at all?”

  “Well, we were thinking about making a sort of costume party out of it. Otherwise, it’s so boring. All the lesbians will show up in the same outfit. Pants, shirts, maybe a suit here and there. So we thought – that is, Jenny’s mother thought –”

  “You really get along with Jennifer’s parents, don’t you?” Kim grinned. “You weren’t so enthusiastic at first.”

  “They –” Jo scuffed the floor with her toes. “They’re very nice.”

  “Are your parents coming to the wedding, too?” Kim asked.

  “No.” A shudder ran through Jo’s body. “No, definitely not.”

  “You’ve never said anything about them. Or about your siblings or your other relatives.”

  “No,” Jo replied tersely.

  “No family at all?” Kim gave her a searching look.

  “No, none at all.” Jo turned away and walked back into the main office building, strangely stiff.

  That behavior was so atypical for Jo that Kim watched her go, astounded. She’d known Jo for quite a while now, and still, she felt like she knew nothing about her. Perhaps she ought to ask Jennifer some time . . .

  But that would be unfair. If Jo didn’t want to say anything, she’d just have to accept that. Exactly like with Sonja.

  She sighed. Everyone else seemed to have their little secrets; only Kim was an open book.

  Or at least it seemed that way to her.

  ~*~*~*~

  “You have no idea how much work a wedding like this is!” Jennifer threw her exhausted self into an armchair. There were only a few of them at the women’s café, and they were always hotly contested, but this Sunday afternoon’s coffee klatsch hadn’t drawn that many women. The weather outside was too nice.

  “I thought your mother was organizing it,” Kim replied, taken aback.

  “Yes. Yes, she’s organizing everything. The invitations, the whole kit and caboodle, but the problem is, she’s organizing me, too.” Jennifer brushed the hair off her forehead with the palm of her hand. “I should’ve known. With my sister’s wedding, it was exactly the same.”

  “Are you that disorganized?”

  “Have you ever put together a wedding?” Jennifer asked pointedly in return. “Sorry.” She lifted a hand. “I’m a little on edge.”

  “I can tell.” Kim laughed. “Where’s Jo?”

  “No idea.” Jennifer shrugged. “She said she’d be here later. I’ve been at my parents’ since Friday and I just now got back.”

  “Jo didn’t come with you?”

  “No, she had to take ca
re of something or other. She couldn’t.”

  Kim didn’t say anything, but her facial expression spoke for itself.

  Jennifer reacted to Kim’s expression with irritation. “We’re not attached at the hip. We actually do things separately from time to time.”

  “That’s perfectly fine,” Kim said soothingly. “I’ve just been wondering –” She chewed hesitantly at her lower lip. “I’ve just been wondering what’s up with Jo’s family.”

  Jennifer leaned her head back as if that were the only way she could draw a deep breath, which she also did. “I wonder that myself.”

  “You don’t know, either?” That wouldn’t have been too surprising at first, with Jo and Jennifer having other things to do beside talk about their families. But by now they’d been together quite a while, and indeed – they were planning their wedding.

  “She doesn’t talk about any of it.” Jennifer sighed. “I’ve made cautious attempts to bring up the subject from time to time, but she’s always evasive.”

  “So she has family? Because recently she said . . .” Kim hesitated. “The topic happened to come up, and she claimed not to have any family.”

  “No, I think she has one. Theoretically. They just never show up.” Jennifer shook her head. “I’d love to get to know her parents, just like she’s gotten to know mine, but Jo acts as though they were dead, even though I don’t think they are.” She leaned back in the armchair and tilted her head to one side. “She definitely has a brother.”

  “She told you that?”

  “No, she talked about him in her sleep. But you’re my brother, she kept mumbling. But you’re my brother. I woke her up, because she was so obviously in distress, and I asked her about this brother. She said she didn’t have a brother, and that I must’ve imagined it.”

  “Hmm.” Kim considered this. “I would’ve liked to have a brother; I wouldn’t deny having a brother if I really had one.”

  “Something must’ve have happened between her and her brother. And it seems like that doesn’t just apply to her brother, but to her entire family.”