Just Between Us

by Mrs Hayley Oakes

  “Wow, Kathryn knows everyone,” Ashley said. “Shall we get a drink?”

  “Okay” I said. We turned to walk to the bar and I stopped in my tracks as I saw Kyle leaning against the bar with Jennie Miller draped all over him. Kyle wasn’t necessarily engaging her in conversation, but he wasn’t pushing her away either. Ashley looked at me from her side vantage and squeezed my hand.

  “She’s a super slag, Soph, she’s got him cornered!”

  “I know,” I said miserably with my head down. I had no claim on Kyle, no one knew anything about us, and Jennie could do whatever she wanted. How could I complain? We forged ahead further down the bar and got in the queue to get served.

  “What do you fancy? Shall we have a shot?” Ashley gave me a squeeze, and I gave her my most brilliant smile that I hoped covered up my insecurities. Of course Kyle wouldn’t do anything with Jennie, but why did he even let her hang off him like that?

  Just as we were about to get served a hand snaked its way around my waist. I turned and there stood Kyle with Vinnie. They were close enough in the throng of people at the bar that no one could see Kyle’s arm around my waist. He held a glass of wine in his free hand and a bottle of beer was tucked under his arm. Vinnie also passed Ashley a glass of wine.

  “We were gonna get shots!” Ashley said excitedly. “Fancy one?”

  “You just twisted my arm,” Vinnie said, scooting next to her at the bar so I was pushed backwards into Kyle.

  “Here,” Kyle said into my ear, passing me my drink. I turned to face him. We were close because of the crowds and I couldn’t mask my sombre face.

  “What?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

  I shook my head. “Nothing, just …”

  “What?” he asked again.

  I looked down. “I just saw Jennie all over you, that’s all.”

  He smiled wryly and squeezed my hand. “Jealous?”

  “No,” I lied.

  “She’s a leech, I had a good place at the bar, and I wasn’t going to move just because she was there.”

  “You could have told her to get lost.”

  He nodded. “Point taken, next time I’ll tell her to piss off if she dares to speak to me,” he said sarcastically.

  “Kyle … she’s a complete bitch and she loved it when you told me to fuck off at the ball.”

  “I know,” he squeezed my hand again, “but that was me remember, not her, so just remember I won’t do anything like that again, and nothing is going to happen with her.”

  “Right.” I gave him a tight smile. “It’s just that she’s your ex, and I don’t like her and …”

  “Your man is just so darn irresistible that you have to keep him away from all red-blooded females.” He laughed.

  “I just, please just stay away from her.”

  He nodded at me and took a swig of his beer. “You need to trust me, Soph.”

  “I do,” I said quietly. Just then Vinnie passed us two shots from behind my head at the bar and pushed in next to us so we could all down the burning liquid together.

  Later that night a large crowd of us moved from one bar to the next. Kathryn tried to include Ashley and I in her wider group of friends, but Ashley was more interested in where Vinnie was, and I kept my eyes trained on Jennie Miller and how close she was getting to Kyle. At midnight we made our way to the club on the promenade where Kyle and I had escaped through the staff only door. We were all quite drunk and laughing as we made our way there.

  Once inside everyone moved to the back of the three story club to where the chart music pumped through the room and Ashley, Kathryn and I ordered a bottle of wine at the bar. Kyle leaned against the bar next to Vinnie and David as they ordered drinks. He looked his usual calm and disinterested self; no amount of alcohol ever seemed to make him lose control. I could tell he was feeling drunk, though, as he had disappeared into himself a little, and we had all been drinking since midday.

  Ashley and Vinnie were flirting and kissing at the bar, Kathryn took my hand to drag me to the dance floor, and I tried to resist as I felt very unsteady on my feet. “Come on,” she urged excitedly. I slid our bottle of wine along the bar next to Kyle, and he nodded that he would watch it, so we walked hand in hand to the dance floor.

  We danced crazily and were jumping up and down, some girls from our year also joined us and we mouthed along to the songs. A couple of tunes in, and I glanced over to Kyle, where Jennie was now leaning against the bar next to him. I tried to feign disinterest, but then I couldn’t quite believe it, she reached over to our bottle of wine and refilled HER glass. I was fizzing with anger and Ashley was too wrapped up in Vinnie to notice the steal. I left the dance floor and marched over to Jennie.

  “Do you fucking mind!” I barked, grabbing the glass from her.

  She glared at me open-mouthed and then looked to Kyle for a reaction, but he just looked on amused.

  “That is our wine, you slag,” I barked, “go and buy your own fucking drinks.”

  “Oh sorry I thought Kyle had bought it,” she said in a hard voice, moving closer to my face and putting her hand on Kyle’s crossed arm. “I mean, to be fair, he did really as we all know you and your mum sponge off his dad.”

  I pushed her back slightly and Kyle pounced to take my arm, holding me back for some reason. “I’m not going to hit her,” I shouted, shrugging him off.

  “Of course you aren’t, you gold digging freak.” Jennie stepped forward again and pushed her face into mine so our noses were almost touching.

  “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I raged. Kyle held on to me and tried to get between us. Ashley and Vinnie were suddenly paying attention, and Ashley ran to my side as Vinnie tried to grab Jennie.

  “Oh yeah it’s all happy families when Kyle’s getting the drinks in!” she shouted, “but I know all about you, Kyle has told me what a prissy little moron you are who loves all the wealth of your mum’s new man. Your Mum is a just a gold digger. He can’t wait to see the back of you two trolls.”

  I shook my head with anger and glanced to Kyle who managed to finally get between us. “Jennie,” he said firmly, pushing her back away from me. “You have no idea what you’re …”

  “You’re defending her!” she shrieked. “I’ve heard you bitch about her for four years and whine about how much she got and you didn’t because of her fucking mum and now you defend her! This freak!”

  Despite the noise in the club everyone around us could see our display, I was suddenly sober and acutely embarrassed. My eyes were filling with tears, and Vinnie was talking calmly to Jennie who was seething, staring at me but she seemed to realise that we had to calm down or get thrown out. I turned away from her.

  “That’s right fuck off, just like Kyle told you to at the ball!” she shouted. I couldn’t turn, I couldn’t face the sea of people, and so I just started to move. Slowly at first and then I sped up as the exit loomed, and I could almost taste the fresh air. It was then that the tears started to fall, and then that all I could do was think about how stupid I was to even get mixed up with Kyle and this whole stupid mess. He couldn’t defend me, how could he? We could never be together in front of all these people and Jennie was right, mere months ago he had hated me.

  I burst into the night, closely followed by Ashley. She hugged me, and I wiped my tears.

  “That stupid bitch!” Ashley said, holding me close to her.

  “No.” I wiped my eyes. “I’ve overreacted, I should have just stood my ground, but she drank our wine.”

  Ashley smiled at the madness of it. “That wasn’t about wine, Soph that was personal, she barely knows you.”

  I took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. “She hates me.” I laughed coldly, “because she thinks Kyle does.”

  Just at that moment he appeared behind Ashley’s head. “Hi,” he said quietly, “can I …?” he motioned to me and Ashley looked for me to approve.

  “Go inside,” I said, “I’ll see you in a minute.”

  “So
ph.” He stepped towards me. “What she said …”

  “It’s fine,” I held my hand up, “I know we used to hate each other.”

  “I didn’t say that stuff.” He placed his hands on my arms and sank down a little so we were eye level. “I’m not one for sharing my personal shit, especially not with her.” He nodded trying to make me understand.

  “Right.” I sighed.

  “You don’t believe me?”

  “I don’t know.” I shook my head, “it doesn’t matter. It’s fine. She embarrassed me that’s all. That’s why I’m upset.”

  “Oh,” he said, pulling himself upright and running his hands through his hair, “Right.”

  “What?” I spat angrily, “what’s up with you? I’m the one who just got balled out in front of our whole school year.”

  “Nothing, I just … shit, Soph … she said some nasty shit about me saying some stuff about you and you just don’t care.”

  “I do care!” I shouted, “but what’s the point? You don’t hate me now do you? That’s not the way you feel now?”

  “I never said that shit, Soph!” He raged. “That’s my fucking point.”

  “I don’t get your point, Kyle,” I said.

  “You should be fuming that I would say that. You should care that I would ever have said shit like that. It should matter to you and then when I say I didn’t say it, you should care.”

  “Are you high?” I shrieked. “That made no sense.”

  “You are embarrassed that she shouted, but not bothered about what she said. It doesn’t bother you that I might have said that?”

  “If you did it was in the past.” I shook my head, staring into his eyes and trying to understand his point.

  “She said that because she’s jealous,” Kyle said, “she wants me and I keep blowing her off and me and you are friends. She hates that!”

  “Oh I know she wants you, she’s all over you!” I shouted.

  “And you don’t care?”

  “I do care,” I said firmly, “Of course I care, I hate her touching you and …”

  “Making up lies to get between us?” he raged.

  I nodded, searching his eyes still trying to understand his point.

  “I want you to come back in there and show her what she can’t have, show everyone what we are! I want everyone to know that I don’t say shit about you, that I don’t fucking hate you, and that we’re together!”

  “What?” I was completely taken aback, “Where the hell has this come from? What the …?”

  “I can’t be arsed chatting shit to idiots when I want to be chatting shit to you.” He moved closer to me, and I held my hands up to halt his approach.

  “Kyle.” I shook my head, “That’s not our deal.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “You’ve had a drink, you’re not seeing clearly,” I said panicked.

  “No.” He leaned into me. “I am seeing fucking clearly, I’m just not good enough for you am I?”

  “Kyle.” I gasped, “It’s not like that, we both agreed, we both know that people would think it’s weird. Especially the people in there.” I pointed back to the club, “And we’re both going away so it wouldn’t last anyway and … we’re so different,” I squeaked.

  “You agreed, not me! You’re right, Soph, we are different, the difference is that I don’t give a shit what people think.” He shook his head. “I’ve strung enough girls along to know the signs.”

  “What signs?” I cried as he turned to walk away. “What signs?” I shrieked grabbing his shirt as he moved away.

  “You don’t want me, Soph, if you did everyone would know we were together and we wouldn’t be having this fight.”

  “Fucking Jennie,” I growled, “she started all this.”

  “No,” he said grimly, “she fucking wants me, you don’t. You started this!”

  “You did!” I fumed, “You started all of this … kissing me, chasing me.” I shouted exasperated. He managed to enrage me like no one else.

  “You never once complained!” he roared.

  “You never gave me chance! You made me want you.”

  “Well guess what?” he shouted, pushing me back slightly, “no more! I started it, well I’m finishing it, fuck this!” He turned and walked back inside as I stood completely dumbstruck, wondering what the hell had just happened and whether the pain in my chest would ever subside.

  I stood for a few minutes whilst silent tears fell down my face. I slowly realised that no one was coming for me, and that I had somehow pissed Kyle off beyond belief. He was angry, he was fuming, in fact, and it was for the best. I couldn’t waltz in there and be his girlfriend, in front of all those people. It made me feel sick even thinking about it: the stares, the gossip, having to tell my parents. Kyle was exactly the type of boy that my dad would be firmly against me going anywhere near. He was flashy, arrogant, going nowhere, and completely, obviously damaged. So my only option was for us to go back to how we were.

  I caught a taxi back home by myself. I made myself a drink and slowly climbed the stairs. Despite my reasoning that this was for the best, I had to fight the hope that Kyle would swoop home and make things right. I couldn’t help but recall how he had made me feel that very afternoon and my chest tightened again. Things with Kyle had always been carnal, but really when all was said and done he always seemed to care, made me feel wanted, desired, and safe, no matter where we did it. I was starting to doubt my view of the whole relationship and then had to shake myself to recall the glaringly obvious issue, he was my fucking step-brother, and it should have always been hands off. We were a god-damn ticking time bomb and it had just gone off!

  Eventually I heard him come in. He didn’t come in my room.

  I heard him a lot after that. In fact, I barely slept. One night became two, two became a week, and then it had been two weeks of living in the same house but managing to avoid each other. He never tried to make things right, and I was never going to apologise. I heard him in our bathroom, as I had before and just avoided seeing him. I was more aware than ever of his movements, mainly because I ached for him, and also because I was so jittery from the nights when I cried rather than slept. It was painful, in fact it was torture, and it was completely self-inflicted. I had allowed myself to feel ecstasy always knowing that pain was to follow. I reasoned that it had been worth it as I closed my eyes at night and tried every trick in the book to sleep. I reasoned that his smell, his touch, and everything we had had was enough to keep me going until I found someone else to crave just as much.

  I lost weight as I avoided meal times and couldn’t eat even when Mum tried to force me. Kyle avoided our house full stop, and I knew that I had ruined things beyond repair but fuck him. He had ruined it all, too. I had never lied to him. I never said we could be together. I hated myself. I hated that my body yearned for him and hated that he was my ultimate undoing.

  Mum took me shopping for university necessities and noticed my depression, falsely acknowledging it as the blues from leaving home. I went along with it, let her shower me with gifts and plan our trip to Newcastle to drop me off at my new life. Ashley visited and hugged me whilst I silently cried. She made me talk, watched romance films with me whilst I stared at the screen and tears escaped my eyes. She whispered her words of wisdom in my ears and told me to focus on the real love of my life who would come one day and sweep me off my feet.

  Mum and Mick were going to drive to Newcastle in their car. I was going to follow in my car and they would help me unpack and leave me in Newcastle in my new Halls of Residence. Mum told me that Kyle insisted he would find his own way to Exeter and didn’t need assistance. I wondered if Mick had even offered, but I had to take her word for it these days. We would both leave the first Sunday in September for our new lives, and I hoped to God that by Christmas, the day I had to see Kyle again, that the hollowness in my chest would be filled.

  The Saturday before I left, Mum and Mick had Dad and his girlfriend, Janet, ro
und for dinner. We ate a roast lamb with vegetables and both my parents beamed proudly over my accomplishments.

  “Kyle’s gone off the rails again,” Mick said, sipping a whiskey after Mum had cleared the plates away.

  “Oh?” Dad asked.

  “He has been all right most of this summer. He has actually been quite chatty, happy even. Getting more involved in the family … you know?” Dad nodded.

  “He’s a teenager,” Mum added. “The slightest thing sets them off.”

  “Probably met a girl,” Janet said, and at her words my heart clenched. Had he found someone to fill my void? I couldn’t bear the thought, but perhaps it was the best thing.

  “Ah he’s a sullen bugger,” Mick said, “you never know with him, does his own bloody thing and wouldn’t even consider tonight.”

  “It’s a shame,” Mum mused, “because we’ll miss him.”

  “You might.” Mick laughed, “but I’ll be glad to have less hormones around this place.” They all laughed.

  That night I looked around my bedroom at the packed boxes and cases and sighed. It was the end of an era. I was about to be independent for the first time. The summer had been a whirlwind of emotion, but I was glad to get out of this house and the memories that it harboured. I wouldn’t be bumping into Kyle, and I could eventually allow myself to grieve and get over whatever we had been, away from prying eyes.

  That night I was finally able to sleep out of sheer exhaustion. I drifted into a blissful sleep with the promise of my new life approaching. I was so exhausted that I didn’t hear Kyle come home that night, but I heard my bathroom door click when the rest of the house had gone to sleep. I wondered if I was imagining things as the weight of my bed shifted, and I felt Kyle climb inside. I didn’t move, I didn’t say a word, but his proximity had my heart racing and his smell made me want him close. I was turned away from him onto my side and he scooted up to lie behind my back, throwing his arm over my waist and pulling me into him. He kissed the back of my head, and I intertwined my fingers in his. He squeezed my hand and I squeezed him back. We didn’t say anything, but I knew why he was there, and I was desperate just to feel that closeness. I had mourned this and told myself that I would be fine but here he was reminding me how ruined I really was.