Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I startled when I felt the slight pressure of Cade’s hand on my knee.

  I looked back at the house and without saying a word slipped from the car.

  Cade followed me as I trekked up to the front door, his hand hovering comfortingly at my waist. I could’ve gone in through the garage, or used my key at the front door, but it didn’t feel right. They didn’t even know I was coming.

  I felt horrible for not coming home for Thanksgiving, and not calling enough.

  I’d been a lousy person and I had a lot of making up to do.

  I raised my arm and pressed my finger to the doorbell. Even from the outside I could hear the loud ringing.

  I held my breath as I waited.

  I heard footsteps approach the door and I reached for Cade’s hand. He gave mine a reassuring squeeze and I knew everything would be okay.

  The door opened and I looked straight at my mom. She gasped, “Rachael! Is that really you?”

  Before I could reply, she jumped at me, throwing her thin arms around me. I closed my eyes, inhaling her familiar scent of sugar cookies—of home. I started to cry, my tears soaking into her shirt. It had only been four months since I left home, but it really felt like so much longer than that.

  She finally pulled away and grasped my face between her hands, just looking me over. “You look beautiful, sweetie.”

  I knew what she was really saying; I looked like myself.

  “And who is this?” Her smile was wide as she reached up to hug Cade.

  He seemed surprised by the gesture, but was quick to return it.

  “This is Cade my…boyfriend.” It still felt weird to say that. Maybe it always would, because Cade was so much more than that to me. He was my savior.

  My mom’s eyes widened in surprise and she clapped her hands together. “That’s wonderful! Come on in,” she waved Cade inside, and then grasped my arm. It was almost like she was afraid if she let me go for too long I’d disappear.

  We headed to the back of the house where the kitchen was.

  Baking ingredients cluttered every surface, with cupcakes, pies, and cookies, all in various stages of completion. I hadn’t noticed before, but she even had some flour in her hair and on her cheek.

  “I like to bake,” she shrugged, when Cade kept staring at the mess.

  “She makes the best cookies,” I boasted, “have one.” I pointed to a plate on the table. “You’ll never want another cookie ever again.”

  Cade chuckled and moved over to the table.

  I looked at my mom, who kept glancing between Cade and I with a look of awe. “Where’s dad?” I asked, half-expecting him to pop out from behind me.

  “He ran to the store to get more flour. I dropped a bag.”

  Well that explained why she had flour on her.

  “These are delicious!” Cade exclaimed, reaching for another cookie.

  “Told ya.” I moved away from my mom to wrap my arms around him. He grinned at the gesture.

  My mom watched on happily with a smile on her face.

  She sat down at the table and gestured for us to sit down as well. She launched into a million and one questions like the typical mom, about school, friends, and particularly how Cade and I met. She found that part quite funny.

  The door leading into the house from the garage opened and I jumped up with excitement.

  When my dad turned into the kitchen I practically knocked the poor man down.

  “Rachael?” He peered down at me, in shock that I was actually there. “I didn’t think you were coming home for Christmas.”

  “Change of plans,” I grinned.

  He hugged me again. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

  “Me too,” I agreed, squeezing him tighter.

  After he gave my mom the flour it was time to introduce Cade.

  Even though I knew my dad would approve of Cade, it was still nerve wracking. I’d only ever brought one guy home.

  “Nice to meet you,” my dad extended his hand to Cade.

  “Nice to meet you too, sir,” Cade cleared his throat, shuffling his feet nervously. It was cute to see Cade so uncertain when he was normally so confident.

  “Cade plays football,” I blurted, knowing my dad would be thrilled with that information.

  “Really?” His eyes widened.

  “Yes, sir,” Cade responded.

  “Let’s go talk in the family room,” my dad clapped Cade on the shoulder, leading him out of the room. Cade looked over his shoulder, pleading with me to save him. I laughed, shaking my head. My dad was harmless.

  “Can I help?” I asked, stepping up to stand beside my mom.

  “You can frost those cupcakes for me.” She pointed to a plate of cooled chocolate cupcakes. “Frosting is over there,” she pointed again.

  I took off my jacket, tied an apron around my waist, and went to work.

  We were both quiet, focused on the task at hand.

  Eventually, she asked, “So…Cade?”

  “What about him?” I asked.

  “How do you feel about him?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Honestly?” I smiled, tucking hair behind my ear. “I love him.”

  She didn’t say anything for a moment, just stared at me, as if weighing her next words carefully. “I saw it, but I wondered if you were aware of how you felt about him.”

  “Very aware.” I ducked my head, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I never thought I’d love anyone else after Brett, but then I met Cade and everything changed. He scared me but exhilarated me all at the same time. I told him the truth and…” I searched for the right words. “It didn’t matter to him. He still saw me as…well, me.”

  “I like him,” she smiled. “I can see that he’s good for you, and that makes me happier than you’ll ever know. I love you, Rachael, and I’ve only ever wanted the best for you. I worried after the accident that we’d lost you.” She reached out, touching my cheek in a gesture that made me feel like a little girl again. “In a way, we had, but seeing you today…laughing, smiling, looking at him with so much love…it’s wonderful. I’m glad you’ve been able to move on.”

  I reached out and hugged her, probably getting frosting on her shirt but she didn’t seem to care.

  “Cade has helped me so much, just by being him. Kathleen, my therapist, has helped too. She’s the real reason I was able to come home, and because of her I’m going to say goodbye.” I didn’t need to elaborate further. My mom knew exactly what I meant when I said I needed to say goodbye.

  She took a steady breath, and her eyes filled with tears. “You’re a strong girl, much stronger than you believe.” She reached up and tapped her forehead. “Mental strength is harder to come by than physical. You have it, and don’t ever forget it.” Touching her fingers to her heart, she added, “You feel deeply and care immensely, that makes you a beautiful person inside and out. I would’ve been more worried about you after the accident if you acted like you didn’t care. Sometimes we all have to suffer through terrible things to find the light in the dark.”

  I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder, almost as if I felt him, and found Cade standing in the doorway.

  Staring at him, I whispered, “I finally found my light.”

  ***

  I wasn’t surprised when my mom put us in separate rooms that night. I was even less surprised when Cade snuck into my room a little after midnight.

  “My dad might like you, but I’m pretty sure he’d still kill you if he found you in my room.” I warned Cade as he slipped into bed beside me. The bed was a queen size, but even then it felt too small for Cade’s large body.

  Wrapping his arms around me he pulled me onto his chest. He ran his fingers through my still damp and tangled hair from my shower earlier. “We’ll just have to make sure he doesn’t find out.” He chuckled, cupping the nape of my neck and leaning up to kiss me. “Thank you,” he whispered against my lips.

  I blinked my eyes open, and gave him a quizzical look
. “For what?”

  “For trusting me, for loving me, for giving me you.” He rolled us over again so he was now above me. “I never knew what I was missing until you,” he murmured, nuzzling my neck. “You make me see the world in a whole different way.”

  Warmth soared through my body. It felt good to hear him say that. I never wanted to be a weight tied around his ankles. I wanted to lift him up the way he did me.

  He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, his eyes darkening with lust. “Thank you for showing me that my demons don’t define me.”

  “Cade,” I reached up, putting my hand on his arm, “I didn’t show you anything.”

  He shook his head. “You did. Before you, my life was so dull. I played the part but I didn’t live it. Now, I do. Everyone else saw what they wanted to see when they looked at me, but you? You always saw me.”

  With only a few words he stole my breath. I would never understand how I’d been so lucky to have this man come into my life, and I hated how badly I’d treated him at times. I vowed in that moment, to spend the rest of my life—or as much of it as he’d take—making it up to him.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “Not as much as I love you, Sunshine.”

  ***

  “Does your mom ever stop baking?” Cade whispered in my ear, as we sat at the kitchen table watching her whip up more treats.

  “Nope,” I laughed, “I’m pretty sure she even bakes in her sleep. Our house is always overflowing with sweets.”

  “If we don’t leave soon I’m going to gain fifty pounds,” Cade warned, reaching for another cookie.

  I lightly slapped his hand. “Lay off on the cookies. It’s not even noon.”

  He grinned. “It’s not like they have alcohol.”

  “True,” I agreed, “but I’ve also lost count of how many you’ve eaten.”

  He frowned, lowering his head like a little boy in trouble. “Okay, no more cookies…until after dinner.”

  I giggled, shaking my head at him. “I think I’m going to have to hide them.”

  “No!” He cried.

  My mom peered around her mountain of baking supplies and said, “Why don’t you two find something to do. Bundle up and go outside for a bit.”

  I looked over at Cade and cracked a smile. “That’s code for she wants us out of her way and we’re getting on her nerves.”

  “It is not!” She protested.

  “It is,” I whispered. “Don’t worry mom, we’ll get out of here.” I started thinking about what my mom suggested, and said to Cade, “I’m going to grab my camera, I’ll be right back and then we’ll go outside.”

  “Sure, I’ll be here,” he pointed to the table, eyeing the cookies.

  “Don’t even think about it,” I warned, before running out of the room and up the stairs.

  I grabbed my camera bag, and shrugged into a jacket, and bound back down the steps. I was surprised to find him standing at the bottom of the stairs tossing a football in the air. Noticing my look, he explained, “Your dad found it.”

  “Don’t expect me to play football,” I warned, grabbing a blanket from off the back of the couch, “You know I can’t catch.”

  “I said I’d teach you,” he winked.

  I knew that Cade’s form of ‘teaching’ would involve lots of hands on activity. Not that I would mind.

  “Besides,” he added, following me to the back door, “you’re probably better than you think you are.”

  “Well, I guess you’ll have to actually teach me this time instead of rolling around in the grass,” I joked.

  He grinned wickedly and winked. “Ah, but rolling around in the grass with you is so much fun.”

  I laughed, shaking my head as a light wind stirred my hair around my shoulders.

  For the time of the year it wasn’t that cold and luckily there was no snow, so we wouldn’t freeze to death.

  Cade followed me down the deck steps and into the yard.

  “I like it out here,” he said, staring beyond the yard to the field of tall grass.

  “I think you hate being cooped up inside,” I joked, watching where I stepped so I didn’t trip.

  “That would be an accurate statement,” he looked over his shoulder at me, grinning. “I blame it on the fact that my dad kept me outside playing football all the time and…” He paused, his face twisting with pain. He took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. “Before Gabe died we were an active family. You know, skiing, snowboarding, swimming, always outside and on the go.”

  I kept quiet not sure what to say. Cade didn’t talk about his brother a lot, and I knew it was a testy subject, so the last thing I wanted to do was say something to upset him. I hated seeing him hurt, though, and I wondered if he often felt the same way when he looked at me.

  I spread the blanket down on the ground, set my bag beside it, and lay down staring up at the sky.

  Cade joined me, lacing our hands together.

  He turned his head towards me and I looked over at him. “When I think about Gabe, and the years after that, and all the shit I went through, it makes me so grateful to have found peace—to be able to enjoy this moment, right here, with you.” Bringing my hand up to his chest he continued, “I no longer feel scared to defy my dad. I know I’m ready to do my own thing, be my own person, consequences be damned.”

  “What are you saying?” I whispered.

  “I’m saying that when I graduate I’m going into architecture. I won’t pursue football. I want it to remain a hobby that I love, but not something I’m forced to do.” He reached out, grabbing a piece of hair that had blown across my face, and tucked it behind my ear.

  “It makes me happy that you’re doing what you want,” I admitted. True, it was scary that Cade was graduating in the spring and I didn’t know where things would go, but life didn’t come with a map for a reason. You weren’t meant to know where your future would go, but you were supposed to enjoy the journey—even when you had to climb mountains.

  “It does?” He questioned, seeming almost unsure.

  I nodded. “I will always want you to do what makes you happy, Cade. I’ll support any decision you make because I love you, and when you love someone you don’t hold them back from their dreams, whatever they might be.”

  Before I could take a second to breathe he crashed his lips to mine.

  His kiss was consuming, his touch electrifying.

  Despite the chilly air, I felt warm all over as my body flooded with heat.

  Cade pulled away, his breath fanning across my cheek. His stare was intense and I found myself drowning in his blue eyes.

  Cracking a smile, he said, “Let’s go exploring.”

  I couldn’t dim my smile. “Sounds good.”

  I hopped up, but Cade was a little slower. His knee was still healing and a part of me worried that he might always have problems from the injury. But Cade was confident that it only needed more time.

  I left the blanket where it was, but grabbed my camera bag. I pulled my camera out, following Cade into the brush. He was ahead of me, with the football clasped in his hand. I couldn’t help taking a picture of him.

  He looked over his shoulder and smiled, so I took another.

  “You’re lucky I’m not shy,” he warned with a laugh, “because you’re kind of intimidating with that thing.”

  I lowered the camera, sticking my tongue out at him.

  “I’m serious,” he chuckled, reaching out to shove some of the tall dead grass out of his way. “You’re kind of a bad ass.” He stopped and turned around, waving his hand at me.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m definitely not a bad ass,” I shook my head.

  He grinned crookedly and stepped forward, cupping my cheek. “You are…and you’re also my Rae of Sunshine.”

  “Cade,” I laughed, “I thought you forgot that shitty nickname.”

  “Never,” he gasped, faking that he was offended. “It’s an awesome nickname and I will use it as often as I can for th
e rest of your life, so get used to it.”

  “Oh, really? For the rest of my life?”

  “Yeah,” he smiled, leaning his forehead against mine. “Did you think you were going to get rid of me or something? I want you, always, Rae. I mean that.”

  I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest. I could hear the steady beating of his heart and I knew he meant what he said. Sometimes it was still hard for me to believe that he loved me and saw a future for us. I wanted those things too, but sometimes it was all too easy to doubt that he’d want them too. It felt good to hear him say it.

  I stepped back and smiled up at him. “Come on.” I started forward and he followed.

  He nodded his head towards the house beside ours. “Is that where…?” He trailed off.

  I nodded. “Yeah.” Steeling myself, I added, “We used to run through these fields playing as children.” I forced the words passed my lips. I didn’t want to be afraid to talk about Brett, Hannah, or Sarah. I wanted to remember them and be okay with it all. Pointing to the swing set that sat broken in our yard—and honestly I didn’t know why my parents hadn’t gotten rid of dingy thing yet—I said, “Sarah and Hannah used to come over when we were little and we’d play out here for hours and run over to Brett’s house to make trouble,” I laughed.

  Cade gasped. “Rachael! Were you chasing after a boy?!” He joked.

  I laughed. “Hey, it was only one boy,” I bumped his shoulder. “I wasn’t one of those girls that had a new crush every week. It’s only ever been…well, you and Brett,” I shrugged.

  “And selfishly,” he lowered his voice, “that makes me very happy.” His lips grazed my chin and I shivered from the feel of his stubble rubbing against my skin. “Enough serious talk,” he grinned, backing away from me. “Let’s play some catch.”

  “Cade,” I groaned.

  “Come on,” he coaxed, “it’ll be fun.”

  I set my camera down where it wasn’t in danger of being stepped on, and prayed to whatever God was listening that I wouldn’t get hit in the face with the ball.

  “Ready?” Cade asked, lifting the ball.

  “I think so…” I screamed when he threw it before I finished speaking. I jumped up, catching it, and then turned to run when he started chasing me.