Believe (Faith & Friendship Series)

by Jayne, S. L.

  ***

  Today, I need to tell my mom about Matt and I. I plan on doing that after work tonight. After spending the whole night in Matt’s arms last night, and waking up to his smile, I chastised myself all the way to work for not allowing myself to see this between us before now. Thinking about the smile I woke up to makes my whole body tingle, it’s the smile that I have decided to name the ‘fuck me smile’, because every time he flashes that smile, his whole demeanour screams just that. Ava still wants the details on Matt and I so I agreed to a movie night tonight, after I see my mom and while the guys have a poker game at the bar.

  I saw Mr Ashby on the way into work this morning, but I haven’t seen him since. I still get tongue tied and nervous around him since Ava told me about her Google fest and what she discovered. Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in denial for this long, but I can’t help it, it’s better than facing the likelihood of Ava’s findings. Isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to know if it’s true, but at the same time, I don’t want to get angry and upset about him leaving both mom and me. It’s hard because he’s my boss, too.

  “I’ll see you at home. I shouldn’t be long at moms, she already loves Matt, so I don’t think I have an argument on my hands,” I say to Ava as I walk to my car.

  “Okay, see you soon. I’ll make dinner, we’ll have pasta,” she says over her shoulder.

  The drive to moms is short, she’s moved closer to my work than my apartment. I don’t knock on the door, instead I just walk in. Mom made it clear when she moved in that even though I don’t live here, I have to still treat it like home.

  Walking down the short hallway, I can hear plates clinking together. I round the corner into the kitchen and see mom moving the plates from one cabinet to another. “Hey, Mom. Didn’t you like them in that one?” I teased.

  Mom looked round at me. “Hey, sweetheart, how are you? Have you eaten?”

  “I’m feeling great, Mom. I haven’t eaten, yet, Ava is cooking us pasta. I just came by to tell you my news,” I beamed at her.

  She stared at me, waiting for me to tell her. “Well… don’t leave me hanging.”

  “Matt and I, we’re… he’s my boyfriend.”

  The next thing I know, mom has her arms wrapped around me, jumping up and down like a five year old.

  “I’m guessing you like the idea of us together?” I giggled.

  “Like it? Rylee, I am so happy for you. I like Matt, he will love and protect you, and he sees your true worth. The two of you together, even before now, everyone could see how much you mean to each other.”

  “He does mean a lot to me, Mom. I promised him I’ll try not feel owned and push him away when he gets possessive. He pushed me away, too, but our issues are different.”

  Mom looked at me, giving me an understanding nod. “Rylee, listen to me. People push people away for different reasons. I, of all people know that sometimes you do things because you think it’s for the best for that person, you push them away because you think they deserve better than what you have to offer.”

  “So you’re saying neither of us can offer each other anything? I ask, confused.

  “No, sweetheart. I’m trying to get you to look at it from another angle, sometimes it’s better to think outside of the box, because you can’t always make sense of things when you’re inside of it. You both believed you had nothing to offer somebody else, but in truth, you had each other… and sometimes that’s a good enough place to start.”

  “Who did you push away, Mom? I don’t know much about what you did growing up,” I shrugged.

  She looked at me, warily.

  “Please, Mom.”

  I hear her intake of breath, like she’s readying herself for whatever she has to say. She motioned for me to sit next her as she pulled herself up onto a stool.

  “Your dad… Rylee, I pushed him away.” She looked down at her hands in her lap, she’s fiddling just like I do when I’m nervous.

  “You had every right to push him away, Mom, he left us,” I whisper, too afraid to speak loudly in case my words make her cry.

  She looked up at me, shaking her head. “No, Rylee, you don’t understand. He didn’t leave us, baby girl, I left him. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant, he didn’t know about you.” A tear fell from her eye.

  What? How could he not know about me? All these years I was led to believe he knew about me, and I was the reason he had left. I know mom said that wasn’t true when I told her what Nate had said, but that didn’t mean I believed it.

  “Why?”

  “Please don’t hate me, Rylee, I thought it was for the best. I broke things off with Max after he graduated, I knew he was moving away to join his family’s business. I didn’t want to tie him down, his family never wanted us to be together… although he never listened to them and had still proposed to me and told me he’d wait for me to graduate before he moves- but I didn’t listen, I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us. I moved in with your Gran in the next town over, and no one ever knew who got me pregnant.” Her words were thick and tears were streaming down her cheeks.

  Max?! I can’t find my breath, it’s true… What Ava said was true.

  “Max…”

  Mom nodded.

  “He’s known all this time that I’m his daughter, yet he hasn’t said anything. He saw me today! I’m not mad at you, Mom, and I don’t hate you. I love you more for what you sacrificed to have me… but him, I feel betrayed by him.”

  Wiping her eyes, she pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me tight.

  “He’s still getting his head around it, Rylee. Don’t be too hard on him, okay?”

  I nodded, not trusting what would come out of my mouth.

  Chapter Ten

  “Start back at the beginning, Ry, you’re talking way too fast for me to take it all in,” Ava said, placing her hands on my shoulders.

  She’s taking deep breaths and slowing blowing them out, I think I’m meant to be copying her, but I can’t. I’m freaking out over the fact that I have been working for my dad for all these months and I didn’t even know. Not to mention the fact that he knew about me weeks ago and didn’t bring it up, oh and let’s add in there that I still have to face him when I tell him I won’t be in because of Nate’s funeral. I left my mom’s around an hour ago, practically running into the apartment when I got out of my car. Ever since then, I’ve been babbling and mixing my words, just saying them out loud as they enter my head.

  “He. Is. My. Dad. And he knows it, too! That’s bad isn’t it, Ava? Doesn’t he like me? I mean, come on, you find out you have a child that freaking works for you, and you don’t even try to talk to them about it?” I huffed, throwing my hands up in the air.

  “Whoa, calm down… you know Max likes you, he talked to you the other day, remember? He told you to go to him if there is anything you need. Think about it, he knew about you then, right?”

  I nodded at her, wondering where she’s going with this.

  “So, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have offered. He also told you to call him Max, right? So… here’s my theory. Your mom handed Max his past on a plate and he is totally floored by her revelation, so he’s keeping it platonic between you both until he finds the right time to talk to you. It can’t be easy for him finding out like that, you know?” she smiled at me, and I know it’s the smile that is telling me she isn’t taking sides, she’s just trying to make me see the bigger picture.

  “You’re right. I know I shouldn’t feel anger towards him, and I don’t… I think it’s betrayal I’m feeling, you know? Ugh, I can’t explain how it feels, Ava. I’m just disappointed I think. I kind of expected something a little different,” I sighed.

  Ava looked at me, shaking her head with a smile. “We’re not kids anymore, Ry. Those imaginative scenarios aren’t really going to happen, like you getting that puppy you wanted, the little bulldog from the picture in the girly magazine you had once. You only wanted it because it looked grumpy and you wan
ted to make it smile,” she laughed.

  I laughed at the memory. “That’s not true, I wanted that dog because it was all wrinkled up and would have looked awesome with a tiara on… which would have made it smile.”

  We both burst out laughing at my childishness. In my defense I was young and thought everyone would want to be a princess, even animals. Ava is right, though, we’re not kids anymore and this is really happening.

  “Thank you, for yet again making me laugh and smile when I needed it the most. Have I told you lately that you’re an awesome best friend?” I smiled.

  “Not lately… but it’s okay, I know you love my face and I know where to come to for an ego stroke,” she said, laughing. “Now tell me about Matt, I want to know it all,” she smirked.

  Rolling my eyes, I shift my body on the couch to get comfortable. “Okay, I’m not sure what all you want to know, but he’s just as hot as you always said he would be. And oh my God does he know how to use his hands… and everything else,” I bite my lip, smiling, waiting for her reaction.

  “RY! You did sleep with him already didn’t you? Oh shit, you’re a whore, you haven’t even been on a date with him!” she screeched, and then burst out laughing.

  She’s right!

  I’m a whore!

  I stare at her dumbfounded, I didn’t even think about that. Wait, did we use a condom? Oh, fuck my luck, I need to remember- I was so wrapped and delirious in all that is Matt, I don’t even know if we used one!

  “What’s wrong, Ry? You’ve gone pale. I was just kidding with you about being a whore, you’re not a whore, sweetie.”

  “I can’t remember if we used a condom…” I said, quietly.

  “Oh, um, shit… okay. It’ll be okay, you can just ask him. I’m sure you did though, Matt’s responsible, Ry, he wouldn’t have forgotten.”

  I nodded. “You’re right, I’m sure he did. I just panicked because I’m not on any birth control, I’ve never needed it. We need to change the subject, though.”

  “Okay, tell me what he said to you, when he told you how he felt. How did you become his girlfriend over night?” she beamed, I know this is exciting for her.

  I shrugged my shoulder, because I don’t even know how it happened.

  “Well, I kind of don’t know either. I can’t even remember all of what he said, I honestly feel like I have been trapped in seventh heaven ever since he came running towards me on beach. I do remember him saying “I swear to you, I swear on every breath I take, that I won’t hurt you. Believe me, Princess, I’ll never hurt you,” I told him I know he wouldn’t hurt me, not intentionally.”

  Ava sighed, looking at me all gooey eyed and dreamy. “So, did he ask you if he was allowed in your panties? Or did he just rip them off.”

  I laughed. “You’re sick in the head, Ava. He didn’t rip anything… he was showing me, because I was dumb and didn’t take his word for it. Well, I did, but he knew I was finding it hard to process it all, so he took me back to his apartment and said something along the lines of, “My words aren’t working properly, I need to show you, Princess.”, and then it happened. He was so sweet, he kept asking if I knew how he felt about me yet.” I felt my face heat up, remembering Matt’s touch has made my body wake up and I miss his hands on me already.

  Ava’s jaw is slack, she’s staring at me like she’s ready to scream. “Seriously, you go from never having a boyfriend and never having sex, to finding a hot as hell, tattooed, bad boy looking guy, who not only swears on his last breath for you, but he also shows you how he feels to make you understand? If you weren’t my best friend, I’d be hating on you right now. Lucky. Bitch. Is all I have to say about that,” she winked and laughed.

  “I am pretty lucky, huh? The connection we have is amazing, Ava, yeah he looks like a bad boy and he has the image of a womanizer, but he’s nothing like that. He’s like my best friend, but not, it’s deeper than that. I miss him when I’m away from him, I think about him constantly, and I feel sick when I imagine my life without him... he can make me mad in an instant, but make me laugh and smile a second later. What the hell has happened to me?” I giggled.

  “You fell in love, sweetie, that’s what happened,” she chuckled, giving me a smug look.

  “I’m not in love, and neither is Matt. It’s lust, it’s always lust. Unless it’s you and Ryan, then it’s true love, happy ever afters and rainbows and butterflies. Isn’t it?” I smiled.

  She shook her head. “Now who’s delusional? You’re in love, Ry, get used to it.”

  ***

  All day, Ava’s words from last night have been pushing their way to the front of my mind. I don’t think what I’m feeling is love, is it? I’ve never been in love to know what it feels like, hell I don’t think I’ve ever been in lust, either, not unless drooling over Zac Efron or Josh Duhamel counts. But even they don’t give me the racing heart beat and wet panties that Matt does.

  I’m so screwed.

  Speaking of screwed, I grab my things from my office and make my way to meet Ava. Pulling my cell out of my back pocket, I need to call Matt and ask about the condom.

  “Hey, Princess,” his velvety deep voice sounded down the phone.

  “Hey… I um, have a quick question.” I replied, my voice wavering.

  “What’s going on… spit it out,” He sounds worried.

  “Did we use… a condom, the other night?”

  His chuckle makes me feel better, he wouldn’t be laughing if we hadn’t.

  “Course we did, baby, you just missed that part because your head was thrown back and my fingers were-”

  “Okay, yeah, got it!” I say, quickly. My face instantly flushing at the reminder of me being in my Matt bubble.

  “Aww, you’re not getting shy on me now, are you?”

  “Shut it, bad boy. I’m not shy, I’m just… um, yeah. Anyway, I’ll see you soon.”

  “Laters, I’ll be round in a bit. I.. fuck, see you soon, baby,” He stuttered, ending the call before I could ask him what he was going to say.

  Stuffing my cell back into my pocket, I approach Mr Ashby’s office. I need to tell him I won’t be at work because of Nate’s funeral in a couple days, we have a morning flight tomorrow back to Boston. Matt said he wanted to be there, to support us all, not just me, but mom and Connor too. Conner has been spending a lot of time with Liam at the gym when he isn’t in school, Matt told my mom that Liam can help Connor with his anger after he admitted to keeping his feelings bottled. Mom wanted him to see a therapist too, but Connor said he wasn’t ready for that.

  “Hi, Mr Ashby. Can I have a word, please?” My nerves kick in, and my throat dries.

  Trying to keep it in check around him is hard. He’s my dad and I’m acting like he’s a stranger- he is a stranger, but he’s my freaking dad, I should know how to act around him. Shouldn’t I?

  “Max… call me Max,” he smiled up at me from behind his desk. “What can I do for you, Rylee?” he asked.

  “I’m sorry, Max. I just needed to tell you that we’re all flying back to Boston in the morning, for Nate’s funeral… So I won’t be at work.”

  His brow furrowed, and his eyes look miserable. “All of you? Wait, are you coming back, or are you telling me you’re leaving… for good?”

  Taken aback by his words, I look at him confused. “All of us, as in Mom, Connor, me, Matt… You know? And of course we’re coming back, I want my mom to move on from there, like I have. We’ll be gone a few days. But if it’s okay, I’d still like my job when I get back.”

  His smile returned. “Your job is safe, Rylee. I just needed to know that you’re all going to be together, I know what’s happened and I know it must be hard on all of you. Please remember that I’m here for you, I will always do my best to help. I mean it, for all of you.”

  “Thank you… Max,” I smiled back at him as I turned to head out of his office.

  “Rylee, wait,” he called out.

  I craned my head around the door frame. “Yeah?”r />
  “Can we talk? If it’s not a good time, I understand, but I really want to,” he asked, his voice laced with unease.

  Oh no, I’m not ready to talk, not that kind of talk. I don’t know what to say to him about it.

  “Oh, um… can we do it when I get back? We’ll be back by Friday. We’ll definitely talk then,” I nodded.

  “Sure, no worries. Could you call me, though, to let me know you all got to Boston safely. Please?” he smiled at me, showing genuine concern for us all.

  “I will. I’ll ask Matt to remind me, in case I forget,” I said, smiling.

  “See you in a few days, sweetheart.”

  I smiled and waved at him as I rounded the corner back into the corridor. That wasn’t what I was expecting at all, but the past twenty four hours have been anything but predictable for me.

  Chapter Eleven

  The funeral and the trip to Boston is finally over. I may sound like a heartless bitch if I say that out loud right now, so I choose not to voice my thoughts. Mom is sitting on our couch staring into thin air, and Connor is deep in conversation with Matt in the kitchen. I had briefly told Matt about Max while we were on the flight, he had told me to just be me and he wants to hear all about it when I’ve talked to him. I really couldn’t ask for a better man by my side. Ava and Ryan are staying at Ryan’s place tonight, Ava said she knew it would be best if Mom and Connor stayed with me for the night, she knew I was worried about my mom on the way home from Boston this afternoon; she was quiet and withdrawn from all of us all. I know my mom is strong enough to get through this; she just has to believe in her ability to do so, right? Isn’t that what Ava always says?

  “How are you feeling, Mom?” I ask, scooting along the couch to sit next to her.

  Turning to look at me, she gives me a tight smile. “I’m okay, sweetheart. I just don’t know if I should be feeling guilty about how I’m feeling, you know?”

  “No, Mom, you don’t have to feel guilty… he was your husband, you have every right to feel sad and to miss him, and to wish you could turn back time. All of that is normal.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in closer to me.