Believe (Faith & Friendship Series)

by Jayne, S. L.

  She placed her head on my shoulder. “That’s just it, LeeLee, I don’t feel anything. I don’t miss him, and if I were to go back in time… that isn’t where I would go. I feel guilty about Max, I should be grieving, not brooding over old feelings,” she whispered.

  I’m not sure what to say to her. I don’t want her feeling bad over how she’s feeling, but on the other hand I’m not sure I can give her advice on this. I’m due to meet Max in an hour and now I have to pray he doesn’t mention my mom and feelings in the same sentence.

  “It will be okay, Mom. It will all make sense in the end, it always does.” I pulled out of her grip, looked at her and smiled. “I have to get ready to meet Max.”

  Walking into the kitchen, I grab Matt, pulling his face down to meet my lips. “I’m going to meet Max, I’ll see you soon.” I kiss him and quickly pull away before he can pull me back in and my brother witnesses’ a full on PDA.

  “You don’t play fair, shorty, you know damn well that isn’t enough.”

  I knew he would want a deeper kiss. Chuckling, I smile up at him and swiftly duck under his arm, making my escape.

  Driving to the small restaurant that Max had told me earlier to meet him at, I’m trying to shake off the bad feeling I have over my advice to my mom. It was the only advice I could give her. I wish I could have said more, but I don’t know what it feels like to have someone I loved in my past show back up and drag up old feelings. That’s the story of Ava’s life, not mine.

  My mind drifts to Matt, and how I would feel if he left now, giving me no closure and returned again years later. Would all these feelings I have for him resurface in an instant? That sick feeling hits my stomach immediately, it happens every time I imagine my life without Matt. Was Ava right; is it love that I’m feeling? I wish there was a manual on this, showing me how it’s supposed to work- but then, we don’t always love in the same way. Every level of love you experience is different; you love each and every person in your life in a totally different way.

  Matt came into my life five months ago and has thrown my feelings up in the air ever since. There were times I fought against letting him in, fought to keep us at arm’s length, and I had even thrown the friendship card at him to see if he would walk away, but he didn’t, nothing wavered him. While I was pushing him away, he was pulling me closer; I just didn’t realize it was happening, until I was so close to him I felt the lock click on our connection. He may not believe in people easily, but he’s made it easy for me to believe in him.

  Pulling into the parking lot, I take a long deep breath and ready myself for this talk with Max, my dad. I can’t bring myself to call him dad, to be totally honest, I’m not sure I ever will.

  “Hi, sweetheart. Thanks for coming,” Max greets me at the entrance before leading me to our table.

  There are people all around us, which I’m grateful for because I instantly feel at ease, like it’s more of a casual meet, rather than an awkward intimate setting in a place where you could hear a pin drop.

  “I said I would, and I wasn’t going to let you down. This needs to be discussed, we can’t avoid it forever,” I smiled at him.

  We made small talk about what is going on in our lives at the present time, neither of us wanting to jump on the father slash daughter subject. He tells me all about his business and how he’s built it up after it starting going downhill when his dad passed, overnight he became CEO of Ashby’s and felt like he had been thrown to the wolves. But he excelled at the job and knows his dad would be proud of him and the status the company has reached.

  “Did you always know you were going to work with your dad?” I asked.

  I could see the admiration in his eyes as he spoke about his father. “Without a doubt, I always wanted to work with him, to be the man that he was. He truly was my hero, in every way, not just when I walked into the job… but also when your mom walked out. My mother wasn’t her biggest fan, but my dad, he knew true love when he saw it, and he told me that Alexia and I shined brighter than the northern star.” His eyes glazed over.

  Before I could say anything about my mom, or tell him I understand how it feels to look at someone as a hero, he continued talking.

  “He stood by me and helped me through my heartbreak over losing your mom. Rylee, I promise you I didn’t know about you. I would never have left you both; I probably wouldn’t have allowed your mom to leave my sight. I would have protected you both; you wouldn’t have ever had to grow up with… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I wasn’t expecting him to feel like this. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I don’t want him to feel guilty or responsible. I don’t want anyone to feel responsible except for Nate, and he’s gone now, all we can do is move on and look forward.

  “No it’s okay, really, Max. It’s fine. I don’t want you to feel guilty about my upbringing, I just want to move on from here. I’m sorry you’ve missed so much of my life already, and I don’t blame you or mom for anything- she explained everything. I’ve learned what it’s like to push someone away, and be pushed away, it’s what we do afterward that counts… and I think it’s best for us all if we stop pushing,” I sighed.

  “So, I have a pretty smart daughter, huh?”

  “Well, if you think I’m smart, then I guess Ava has taught me well in the last sixteen years, all of her effort and encouragement to make me believe in myself and have faith in things that I can’t control has paid off. I’m ready to live my life for me, not how anyone else wants me to live it.”

  “You deserve to live your life the way you want to, sweetheart. I’ve seen you grow into yourself over these past months, and you’re much happier. I do hope I can be a part of your life, I sure want to be. I can’t promise that it’ll make up for all those lost years, but I do promise to be the best I can be for you… I also want to be there for your mom and Connor too, is that okay with you?” He hesitated saying those last words.

  I remind myself that this is all about moving forward, finding our happiness. I do want Max in my life, and I know mom would feel a hell of a lot better with him around. I’m not sure how Connor would take it, but he may come around to the idea in his own time, and I’m not about to trample on anyone’s God given right to find happiness.

  “Of course I want you to be a part of my life. I’m not sure I can call you… dad, but I’d very much like you to be around more. Just promise me you’ll go easy on my brother… please? He’s finding it hard right now, and I’m not sure how he’ll cope with another guy around, much less one from a past that doesn’t include him. I don’t ever want my brother feeling like he doesn’t belong.”

  He nodded. “You have my word, sweetheart, I wouldn’t dream of making him feel like that- you’re all a package, right? There’s a reason I’ve never married anyone else, they were never your mom. She’s the only woman I ever wanted, the only one I’ll ever want,” he beamed.

  I believe his words. I believe him.

  ***

  It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. When I left Max earlier I went straight to see Matt, I filled him in on everything and as always he was supportive and listened to me. I told him I needed to see Ava, and I’d come straight back to him. I told her everything, and she had laughed at Max’s confession of love for my mom. She said she saw that coming, and then came the mushy lovey stuff and how amazing it would be for them to get together and have a happy ending- yeah, I should have expected that from Ava. I do want my mom to move on and to be happy, and if Max does that for her, then I will be behind them one hundred percent.

  On my way back to the bar, I thought about Ava saying that she wants us all to go out and have some fun, but I’m cautious- we haven’t been out since Friday the 13th. It’s exactly a week ago today, and I still don’t feel like I can risk it, but I know I can’t avoid us being around other guys forever.

  Matt jumped over the bar, and rushed over to me as soon as I walked through the door.

  “I missed you
, Princess, too fucking much,” he said, pulling me into his arms.

  Resting my head on his chest, I take a deep breath, breathing in his scent. “I missed you too, bad boy.”

  Laughing, he shook his head and smirked. “I’m not really a bad boy, but I can be your bad boy, if you want me to?” He pulled me in closer to him, wrapping his arms tighter around me.

  I lean up on my toes and plant a kiss on his lips. “I definitely want… but we need to talk.”

  He frowned. “About what? What’s happened, tell me.”

  “Relax, caveman, it’s nothing bad,” I chuckled at the name I called him.

  I want to ask him how he feels about going out, I know it may seem pathetic that I have to test the waters, but the last thing I want is him taking off again and me losing him inside of his own insecurities. He was great around the people back in Boston, and he didn’t blow a fuse when I was getting hugs and kisses on the cheeks by random guys at Nate’s funeral- they were mainly his work buddies who didn’t know the real him, and had thought we were one big happy family. Oh, if only they knew. He kept a firm grip on my hand around them, though, but I am proud of him for not dragging me away or ripping the guys heads off for being within ten feet of me. I’m slowly getting my head around his protectiveness, I know his anger towards his mom’s attacker has calmed down some over the years, but his need to protect women has always stayed at an all-time high.

  “Come with me, we’re going somewhere,” he said, kissing me on my temple. He waved his hand up in the air to Corey, one of the other bartenders, and he nodded back at him.

  “It’s Friday, Matt, the bar is getting full, you can’t just leave.”

  “It’s my bar, I can do what I like. I’d drop anything for alone time with you,” he winked.

  We climbed into Matt’s car and he drove us out to the beach, the same beach I had sat at for hours, waiting for him.

  “Why are we here?” I asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

  “To talk,” he smirked. “And… well, the last time we were here I didn’t get you wet.”

  He took my hand and we walked across the sand to a secluded part of the beach, it is colder tonight than last time we were here. It’s hard to believe it was less than a week ago, it seems so much longer. A lot can happen in a week; well it can in my life.

  We stopped and sat down on the sand, Matt handed me his jacket to sit on because I have a skirt on and don’t really want sand in my panties. Matt sat opposite me, facing the beach with his back to the water. He seems to always need to be facing people, like he has to be watching them all the time. There are people dotted all over the beach, none within ear shot of us, so we can talk without being overheard.

  “Ava, wants us to go out,” I blurted out, unable to stop the words falling out of my mouth.

  He tilted his head slightly. “And you don’t want to?” he asked.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t want us to argue again if a guy approaches me,” I shrugged.

  “Well, they had better stay away from my girlfriend then,” he smirked.

  “Matt! See, this is why I’m a little apprehensive about us going out. Maybe we should just stay locked up in your cave where you can watch me like a hawk,” I huffed.

  “Princess, don’t be like that, I was joking,” he grasped my hands and pulled me towards him, so I was sitting in his lap.

  I didn’t respond to his apparent joke. I don’t believe he’s joking.

  “I’m sorry, baby, I am. We can go out and I promise to be as good as I can be. It’s not my fault I have an irresistible girlfriend who I don’t want other guys sniffing around. But I can’t lose you, if I lose you, I lose myself.”

  I turned to look him in the eye, needing to reassure him. “You’re not losing me, Matt, I told you I’m here to stay.”

  He nodded slightly. “I know you did, but it’s hard, you know? When you’ve only ever been left, or used. I’ve never been steady with anyone, they have always used me for my bar for drinks, or my fighting because they thought it was hot… or my looks to make the guy they really want jealous. They never wanted to know the real me. It’s difficult to believe. But I do believe in you, Princess, I swear I do. I have my moments, just like you do.”

  “I know you do, and I believe in you too. I’m kind of glad they didn’t want the real you, because now I’ve got him, I’m never letting him go,” I smiled, leaning forward to kiss his lips.

  Darkness started to fall, and the tide was slowing creeping in, but neither of us made any effort to move. The people who were around earlier are now gone and we turned to face the water. Sitting in Matt’s lap, watching the ocean, the slight evening breeze blowing on my skin is making me shiver.

  “Stop fidgeting in my lap, you’re wearing a skirt,” he said, lightly kissing my ear. “Remember I told you about my self-control around you?” he stopped again to kiss just under my ear. “Well, now I’ve had a taste of you, it’s even thinner…” he dragged his lips down my neck, causing my body to shiver. I would say it’s the breeze again, but this shiver goes deeper into my core, awakening all of my senses.

  “Thinner than my panties?” I breathe out the words. I know I’m teasing him, and I have no clue if it’s going to work, or how he’s going to react, but I want him to be just as effected as I am.

  “Princess,” he whispered, his voice is even sexier when it’s low.

  Turning my head to the side to see his face, I smile sweetly at him. “Yes?” I asked, using an innocent tone.

  “Damn, baby, too fucking sexy,” he smirked and crashed his lips against mine, bringing his hand up and grabbing locks of my hair into his fist.

  As his tongue assaults mine, my hands find their way underneath his top and I run my nails across the bottom of his back, something I found out he enjoyed the other day during a hug.

  “Oh, fuck… baby,” he groans in my mouth.

  “Mm, I know you like that,” I said, breaking the kiss slightly to nibble on his bottom lip.

  His hands roamed around my body, across my stomach and back up over my breasts. I arch my back, pushing myself further into his grasp.

  “You know how to damn near kill me, baby. Lie back,” he said, guiding me down onto the warm sand.

  I love that I'm making him feel this way, it makes me feel sexy, and worthy of him. His wandering hands slide down my body until he stops at my thighs. Leaning down, he looks up at me, his eyes filled with desire for me.

  My head tilts up as I close my eyes and take in the feel of his soft lips trailing light kisses up my inner thigh. I reach down to thread my fingers into his hair for something to grasp on to.

  “Oh, God, Matt…” I sigh. The anticipation building up is almost unbearable.

  “Shh, Princess, all in good time. I’ll make you fall apart soon enough.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Waking up on Christmas morning with everyone around was perfect, the best Christmas I have had in a long time. The first Christmas after Connor was born, that was my last favorite one. Each one after that, Nate had found a way of making me feel like I didn’t belong- and as always he would tell me that if I told my mom how I was feeling, it would make her cry.

  We exchanged gifts; we all decided on Christmas Eve that we would only be getting something small for each other. Ava and I have decided on something a little different- we’re getting matching tattoos, we thought a tattoo of a bracelet with an infinity symbol around our ankle would look gorgeous. Matt and I were unsure about what to buy each other, not because we don’t know each other well enough, but because we’re new to all of this. I wanted to get him something small but meaningful, and after a long talk with Ava, I thought of the perfect gift for him.

  On Christmas morning, Matt and I had both handed each other our gifts, and then we laughed at them both being in small boxes. I carefully lifted the lid, and what I found lying inside on hot pink satin, was a key. Matt knew I was confused, so he explained. “Princess, I wanted you to have a
key to my apartment,” he shrugged. “I know this is your home, but having a home filled with love is most important. I’m not saying Ava doesn’t love you, but there are all different types of love,” he smiled, shyly.

  I never had Matt pegged for someone who would get shy over anything, but this was huge for him.

  After a few seconds of him gauging my reaction, I looked up at him and smiled. The biggest smile I’ve ever given him. If he’s wanting me to feel loved, without him saying the words, then he’s doing a freaking good job of it. I pointed to his gift, telling him to open it. I watched his brow twitch upon opening the box, then came the smile when realisation over what was inside had set in. He didn’t talk, he didn’t look away from the box. “Do you like it?” I asked, snapping him out of his daze.

  “You bought me a St. Michael pendant?” he whispered, looking down at me. I nodded, taking a step towards him. I lifted the silver chain from the box, laying it across my palm. “He’s a protector, he played an important role… and so do you. Protecting me can’t be an easy job, seeing as I always fight against it,” I joked.

  He cupped both of his hands around my cheeks, and rested his forehead against mine. I felt his breath on my lips as he spoke. “It’s not an easy job, but it’s damn worth it, baby. I’ll always protect you, even when you don’t want me to,” He kissed my lips lightly, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his tight hold. The thought of having a key to his place should have scared the crap out of me, but it didn’t. I actually feel excited about our relationship, how Matt and I just fit, and how far I have come as a person.

  A short while afterward, we all gathered in the kitchen, trying to help mom and Sydney cook. But they didn’t want our help- apparently they were enjoying some woman to woman time. If I thought mom was happy for the duration of the day, she was elated when Max arrived after dinner. I took a few glances at Connor, to gauge his reaction to having Max around, he seemed relaxed. When he looked at me with a raised eyebrow, I guessed that maybe he was silently asking me what I thought so I smiled and shrugged one shoulder, to let him know everything is okay.