Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "Oh my! I am so sorry Sir, I had no idea someone was on the other..."

  "It’s okay, Kate. Worse things have happened to me."

  Having my name added to his comment had me searching for his face.

  When he stood, I almost burst out laughing.

  "Hello, Scott."

  "Hello to you, too."

  I had nothing more to give. If there was anyone I found more annoying, I would have put them before him. Since there wasn't, this was perfection.

  "Thank you for attending and please be generous in your donation."

  I practically ran to get away from him, but found I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to see my parents this soon. My mother has a way of telling if anything is wrong with me and I couldn't lie to her face. She knows me too well. I had no interest in speaking to Kara either. My support system was rocked completely due to Tony and our secret. How was this not all his fault?

  By the end of the night, I was exhausted. My mother had found me, asking what was wrong.

  "I am stressed, but it looks as though it will all be worth it, don't you think?"

  "Kate, you can lie to me now, but tomorrow I expect the truth."

  "Mom."

  "It's not the time or place sweetheart, but tomorrow you will come by the house and we will talk. It feels as if you have been living a whole life I know nothing about lately. I'm ready for answers."

  "I have a lot to do tomorrow so I'm not sure I can make it by, but I will call you, I promise."

  "You will do better than that. It's time that you stop avoiding me." She patted my cheek and then walked away, not allowing me a response. Just great! Now I had to deal with my mother too.

  I thanked everyone for coming and made sure to shake the hands of the largest contributors. Once we were able to close the doors, I sat down on the nearest chair and let my body relax for the first time in hours. What a night.

  "Kate, you will never believe this!"

  Erik, my team manager, came running at me holding up a piece of paper.

  "After this night, I can believe anything."

  "We hit three hundred."

  I sat straight up.

  "No way!"

  "Yes ma’am, we did. Three hundred and seven thousand to be clearer."

  "That is impossible! That would mean every person here averaged an eleven hundred dollar donation."

  "Average yes, but we pulled in several ten thousand dollar checks. Can you believe it?"

  My eyes swelled with tears. That money was going to do so much.

  "No, I can't. That's great."

  I grabbed my clutch, found my phone and was dialing Tony's number in seconds. I couldn't wait to share the news with him, only I didn't get too because he never answered. Surely he thought about it and understood what I was feeling. I didn't leave a message, figuring he must be in the shower or something. Instead, I left and drove straight to his house like I promised to begin with.

  I ran inside, ready to jump in his arms and tell him the good news, but no-one was there. Calling his name, I walked from room to room, hoping I was wrong and would find him. Coming up empty, I called his cell again. It began to ring but it was plugged in on the counter in the kitchen, charging. Why would he leave without his phone? He couldn't still be mad at me. Could he?

  This time I chose to leave a message.

  "Hey Big Man, I'm at your house but you're not. I'm sorry for earlier tonight and was hoping I could make it up to you, the way I know you like it best, haha. Guess it will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm going to go ahead and go home but call me when you get this. I love you. Bye."

  I locked back up and drove home wondering where he could be but then thought, “Duh, remember, he has a whole world I'm not a part of.”

  That night I couldn't sleep, waiting with my phone in my hand for Tony to call. When boredom consumed me, I found myself dialing a number I have called so many times when I was feeling hurt or insecure. Ryan didn't answer either. I don't know why I keep trying, he never does. It’s like that one night turned us into strangers. It has been months. I don't know what he does with his days. Has he started at another practice? Does he have a girlfriend? I missed him horribly and needed to know he was okay. I never got those answers either. I finally fell asleep but my phone never rang like I hoped.

  CHAPTER 20

  The next morning I woke up, grabbed for my phone immediately and found nothing. There wasn't one missed call or text. A sharp pain hit me and I knew it was guilt. Why did I care if we told me parents then or in three weeks? The pull I felt to call him was strong but I knew he probably needed time to cool off. I had left him a message already, now it was time to ride out my sentence.

  By noon I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know we were going to be okay. I called his number and waited with shaking hands as it rang over and over again and then kicked over to voicemail. I hung up and threw my phone as hard as I could onto the adjacent couch. It started to ring when it landed causing me to jump across the room to grab it and hit answer.

  "Hello!"

  "Katherine, you sound cheery this afternoon. What has you so happy?"

  Feeling let down that it was my mother I said, "Nothing in particular."

  "By that change of tone, my guess is I'm not the one you were expecting to hear from."

  "No that's not it at all. Hey Mom, guess what?"

  "What?"

  "We made over three hundred thousand last night!"

  "That's fantastic, sweetheart. I knew you were going to do well, it was an amazing event."

  "Thank you so much. I put a lot of work into it."

  "And it showed. Would you like to meet for lunch or dinner?"

  Shit! She wasn't going to let it go.

  "Mom, I told you I had a lot going on today. I'm not sure I can meet with you at all."

  "What is it that has been going on Kate and don't lie to me please."

  I paused, trying to decide what it was exactly that I was going to say.

  "I don't want to lie to you but I'm not ready to share anything yet either."

  "There's a man on your life isn't there?"

  "Mom, I really don't want to do this. Please respect my choice for the time I am asking. I will tell you, I promise, just not now."

  "If you insist but honey, I want you to be happy. Nothing worth keeping a secret from your mother is worth keeping, period."

  "I understand what you might be thinking, with all of my poor decisions in the past but this is different."

  "Well when the time comes, you can tell me and I will be making that decision myself."

  "It will all be okay Mom, I promise."

  "As long as you're happy honey then I'm happy for you, remember that."

  "I'm going to go now, I love you Mom."

  "I love you more than you will ever know, Kate. Talk to you soon."

  "Bye."

  That was just plain awful. I needed to talk to Tony and tell him I was ready. We could do it right now and it wouldn't be too soon. I called him again, letting it ring until I finally heard the beep.

  "Hey babe, we need to talk. Please call me back. Hope I hear from you soon."

  The rest of the afternoon was a blur. I cleaned my house from top to bottom, got caught up on laundry and cooked a five course meal for only myself. How I spent my time before Tony is beyond me. The waiting game was the worst part of it all. When I was done eating, I cleaned up the mess and changed back into my pajamas. There was no sense in trying to fool myself, I knew better. I needed him. That night went by without word from him again. I called one last time before falling asleep, only for it to go to voicemail once more.

  The next morning I went straight for my phone and found nothing again. I showered, got ready for work and left, all in a haze. Everyone congratulated me on the gala's earnings but I was too depressed to enjoy it. Why wasn't he calling me? We have fought far worse before. Nothing was making sense. I finished up what needed to be done and took the rest of the day off. My h
ead wasn't in my work anyway, so I saw no point in staying.

  Driving home, I called him again. Again I got his voicemail. This time I burst into tears. What happened? Why was he avoiding me? What if something happened to him and I couldn't even call someone to check? No one knowing about us has turned into the worst idea ever.

  I pulled into my garage, shut the door behind me and went straight to my bathroom, hoping a soak in the tub might take me away from the pain I felt all over. I climbed in, wanting to submerge myself and never come up for air. Of course I didn't but I felt that low. Once my body looked like a shriveled old prune, I got out, dried off and put back on the same pajamas I had now been wearing for three days in a row. They were the last thing I had on when Tony was here. I knew I was pathetic but not once did I care. I needed answers and wasn't getting any.

  Around eight o'clock, I turned on the radio and started listening to Sara Bareilles sing “Gravity”. I turned it off immediately, not wanting to feel the heartache that I associated with the song. I decided that forcing myself to sleep would at least get the day over with and hopefully tomorrow would bring on the new. Just as my eyes closed and sleep was pulling me in, my doorbell rang.

  Jumping out of bed, I ran as fast as I could to open the door, throwing the thing almost off its hinges.

  Tony stood on the other side, looking worse than I have ever seen him.

  “At least he looks how I feel”, I thought.

  We stood in one spot, staring at each other until I broke the silence,

  "Would you like to come in?"

  He didn't answer. He just walked right past me without even a brush of his body, into the family room and sat with his head still hanging low. I wanted to run and jump in his arms and tell him how sorry I was, but something kept me from doing it.

  I walked cautiously over to the other end of the same couch and sat, waiting for him to speak.

  It felt like hours before his head started shaking back and forth and I heard, "I can't do this anymore."

  It was like a flood gate opened for my mouth. All of the sudden I was rambling off, "Me either. These two days have killed me, I want you to know how sor..."

  "No Kate, I can't do this, what's between us, it's over."

  "What! Why? Tony, I'm so sorry I pushed you away, but with my parents there, it just made me question if what we were doing was right and then..."

  "Just fucking stop, okay! I'm done. There is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind. I can't have a future with you and there is no point in fighting for what we had without one. I couldn't do this over the phone because I felt you at least deserved to hear it face to face. It's over, you need to move on."

  He stood, looked back at me once more and then started for the door. I threw myself at his feet without thinking.

  "Please don't do this. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I love you. Don't leave me. Please Tony, I don't know what you have been telling yourself, but we're worth it. You and me, we can get through anything together. Just don't give up on me please."

  "Kate stop it! Get up, you're acting like an child."

  "Tony, I love you. Don't do..."

  "I can't! Don't you fucking listen? I fucking can't!"

  He pulled his leg from my grasp and continued to walk toward the door. I was a basket case. Openly sobbing, I screamed at him, "I fucking loved you and you're just going to act like that means nothing?"

  He turned one last time, looked down at me and said, "Because it doesn't change anything. Goodbye, Kate."

  And then he was gone, pulling the door closed behind him. I sat there screaming and crying to myself, staring at a closed door.

  I eventually cried myself to sleep on my foyer floor. When I woke up, everything came rushing back to me and the tears began to fall again. It wasn't a dream, he was really gone.

  I called into work, telling them I had come down with the flu and would probably be out a few days. My only hope was that I could fix this mess and things could be right again.

  By the end of the night I had ordered the very song I refused to hear. “Gravity” was downloaded on my iPod. Have you ever tortured yourself with music? I don't think I have ever come across a song before this one that matched what I was feeling so closely. As I listened to Sara sing, my heart was being ripped out, yet I still set it on repeat. Three hours later I was finally starting to feel angry. Very angry at him, for convincing me that it was okay to dive in and not worry about the fall. For believing him that he would always catch me. Hell that fucking name, FIRECRACKER! I had the power to burn HIM? What bullshit! He threw me out like week old trash. He didn't even give me a chance to explain.

  It was two o'clock in the morning before I finally fell asleep, promising myself tomorrow would be different.

  CHAPTER 21

  The following morning I jumped out of bed, put on my gym clothes and went for a run. I ran until it started to burn and then pushed myself past that to numb. Soaked in sweat, I continued to pound my feet into the pavement until I found myself in front of my brother's house. Bending over with my hands on my knees, I attempted to regulate my breathing. I never would have come here on purpose. Ash will know something is wrong and Sadie could say something about it to Tony. I stretched my legs out to avoid a cramp and then began to run again.

  Making the last turn onto my street, I had a weird feeling that I was being followed. Two seconds later Ash's car made the turn. I stopped, allowing him to drive up next to me and roll down the window. I leaned in and said, "What are you doing creeper?"

  "I was on my way back from the store when I saw you. What's wrong?"

  "Nothing. I just needed a good run."

  "Nice try. I know that run. It's the one you would use to crush me, every time I wanted to race. Now tell me, whose ass do I have to kick?"

  For once I wanted to do it. To just say,”Beat the shit out of Tony for breaking my heart” but I couldn't. This was the very reason we decided to not tell everyone to begin with. They didn't need to suffer from our burden.

  "It's nobody that's worth it Ash. I just needed to clear my head."

  "Well if you need me, I'm here for you, always."

  "I know you are but I promise you, I will be okay."

  And I believed it for the first time in days. I was going to be fine. I've been let down before, this one I just didn't see coming. I would never fall for it again.

  "All right well, I need to get this stuff back for Sadie. I promised her breakfast, but call me if you need anything okay. I love you."

  "Love you, too. See ya later and tell Sadie I love her too for me."

  "Will do. Oh and go shower, you smell fowl." And then he gunned the gas, squealing the tires like a sixteen year old kid.

  I walked the rest of the way, gaining more and more strength with thought. I was going to prove to myself that I didn't need him or anyone else to make me happy. I had more than most women could dream to have. A man was not something I needed, it was something I wanted. Those are two very different things and it was about time I learned to separate them.

  When I got home, I jumped into the shower first thing. Ash was right, I stunk. Scrubbing off all of the old me was a chore, but I was hell bent to do it. Tony would never be a thought I would chose to have again. He could stay where he belonged, as a part of my past.

  I got ready and decided to go into work after all. It wasn't going to do itself and the longer I had a pity party, the more I would need to catch up on. I'm sure you thought I would call Kara throughout the last few days, but there we no way I could take an “I told you so” right now.

  A simple text telling her I was sorry for snapping at her let me off the hook for details.

  Walking into work, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

  "Do I have something in my teeth?"

  Erik was the first one to speak up.

  "You have never called in, ever. We thought you were dying, yet here you are, looking good as ever."

  "Thank you. It mus
t have been a twenty four hour bug or something. I'm all good now."

  "Good to hear."

  And that was that. I went back into my office and dove in to what I do best. Work.

  Three weeks from the day "the name I won't mention" broke my heart has passed, leaving me struggling to find my peace. I refuse to lie and tell you I'm not still hurt. It’s more than hurt that I feel; he broke me. I've tried to move on and to the naked eye, I'm fine, but I am definitely not.

  Not one single part of this makes any sense. How could he propose the very day he decided he was done? I know I told him no, but that couldn't have done it. I was sure giving him time to see he was making a mistake would lead him to come crawling back to me. I was so wrong. I've heard nothing.

  I called Kara and decided it was time to rally the troops. We met at the place that started it all, '51'. Chad and Kara were already sitting at the front bar when I walked in. "What's up strangers, it feels like it has been forever."

  "Because it has, somebody fell off the grid when her and her boyfriend broke up."

  "Kara, knock it off."

  "What? It's true Chad. She always does one or the other. She either disappears when she's with someone or she disappears when they break up."

  "Kara! You're being a bitch. I love you, but Kate won't for much longer if you keep it up."

  "I'm right here, guys!"

  "Tell him that I'm right. You know I'm right."

  "I didn't say she wasn't right. What I said was she didn't need to be a bitch about it."

  "How about I just go get a drink while you two work this out?"

  "You're at the bar already."

  "I will find another one."

  I turned to walk away when Chad pulled me into his arms.

  "For what it's worth, I'm sorry Kate. I know this one was different."

  Tears began to form, forcing me to push them back down.

  "Thank you."

  "All right, I'm a bitch. I probably shouldn't have said what I said. I'm sorry."

  I spun around in Chad's arms with my jaw hitting the floor.