How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘So how did you hear?’ Theo asked again, drawing Kitty back into the now.

  ‘Your mum called Sophie. And she told me.’

  ‘Of course.’ He nodded. ‘Is Sophie okay?’

  ‘Upset, naturally. Very upset. She sends you all her love.’

  Again, he nodded and rubbed at eyes that were clearly sore. Kitty took in his bare feet, creased jeans and the faint aroma of booze. She remembered standing on that very doorstep with a nervous thirteen-year-old Sophie by her side. Fourteen years ago! It had taken only seconds after the door opened that day for her anxiety to slip away as Anna walked forward and wrapped her arms around her…

  ‘I am so sorry, Theo. I have wept for you, wept for you both.’ This she offered a little too matter-of-factly, trying to keep her emotions in check.

  ‘Are you not going to ask me how I’m coping?’ he shot back.

  ‘No need, Theo.’ She looked him up and down.

  He smiled weakly. ‘Everyone else seems to be using that special tone of voice around me – you know the one, softened, quiet. It reminds me of being a kid when an adult had some bad news to give. It always makes me feel worse somehow.’

  ‘I understand that.’ And she did. She recalled all too well the awkward pauses when people wanted to discuss Angus’s departure from their marriage and were so wary of saying the wrong thing.

  ‘I was going to send the card…’ She placed it on the hall dresser. ‘But then I thought I should come over and tell you how sorry I am. And I really am. Anna was wonderful, just wonderful and I know how much you loved her.’ She cursed the catch in her throat as she pictured Anna’s smiling, open face and the way the two of them used to look at each other with absolute devotion.

  ‘I did, very much. I do.’ He nodded and closed his eyes.

  ‘Of course. She was so kind to me and to Soph.’

  ‘She was kind to everyone. The letters I’ve had…’ He ran his palm over his stubble. ‘Shall we have a cup of tea?’

  ‘Yes, that sounds like a good idea.’

  She followed him into the kitchen, trying not to stare at the disarray on the countertops that she knew Anna had liked to keep pristine. She stopped herself from suggesting she could clear up a bit, aware that Theo probably needed to wallow a while in the mess of his own making; it would be horrific if he thought she was trying to take over any of Anna’s tasks.

  She sat at the kitchen table and watched as he filled the kettle and grabbed two clean mugs from the dishwasher.

  ‘In case you’re interested, I am doing very badly and I am not coping, not at all.’

  She stared at him and remained quiet.

  Theo spoke clearly and concisely, as he did when he had something of importance to say. ‘She seemed so well.’ He stared at the kettle. ‘We knew she had this heart murmur, but it was diagnosed years ago and it hadn’t troubled her since. She was fit. She’d taken Gunner for a run that day and then just an hour later…’ He gripped the countertop. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do without her!’

  Kitty watched with a flush of unease as Theo cried loudly.

  She stood and walked over to him, placing her hand on his back, and hoped that the proximity of another human might help ease his pain. ‘It’s so hard, Theo. It is. And there are no magic words to make it better, so I won’t try.’

  Theo cried until he seemed to run out of tears. He straightened and stiffened, embarrassed by the display. Kitty made the tea and the two sat down at the kitchen table.

  ‘We thought that if we were very lucky we might have decades left, thought we had all the time in the world to do all the things we wanted, and then just like that…’ He clicked his fingers. ‘She was gone. We were planning to revamp the garden and we had trips booked.’ He looked at the window. ‘This heart thing she had was genetic. Her mum died in her thirties and it was the reason Anna decided against adoption in the end – it was almost as if she knew, or was worried about it, at least. But we never really spoke about it. I suppose I assumed that because she’d gone way past the age her mum was, we were home and dry.’ He scratched the stubble on his chin.

  ‘I know it’s not the same, but when I lost my mum, I could only think about all the things I hadn’t done, the feeling that I should have made more effort.’ Kitty sighed. ‘Guilt is a natural part of grieving, I think, but as time went on, that faded. And now I think more about the times I did spend with her, and the happy things.’

  ‘Please, Kitty, do not start with the touchy-feely stuff or the stages of grief! My wife has died and I didn’t always treat her how I should have, not at the beginning. I became a better husband, a better person, because of her, but I can’t stop thinking about those first years when she was hurting and I was closed down. I can’t change that, but I wish I could and it feels terrible.’

  ‘You’re right, you can’t change it. But that’s what I’m saying, Theo – let it out, get mad and then move on, try and focus on the wonderful decades that you did have. You two were the envy of everyone who met you. You shared something very rare, something that most people don’t ever come close to having, and so you should try and feel thankful—’

  ‘Thankful?’ He raised his voice. ‘Christ, she has been snatched from me and she was everything! Forty-eight years old! I can’t feel thankful, I am furious! Anna was sweet and kind and loving and all that despite having the worst start in life. We had so much left to do and say, how the fuck is that fair?’ He sat back with his chest heaving and his breath coming in bursts, flexing his knuckles. ‘I got home, put my key in the door and climbed the stairs, turned into the bedroom and there she was…’

  ‘That’s awful.’ Kitty felt her heart leap in her chest at the image.

  He took a deep, slow breath and stared at her. ‘So maybe you are right. Maybe I do feel a little bit better for getting angry.’

  She gave a brief smile, one of a thousand gestures to let him know that while she didn’t see him often, she was invested in him. She cared about him.

  ‘I’m a mess.’ He sat forward.

  ‘I would say so, yes.’

  ‘Sweet Jesus, do you never sugar-coat anything?’ He shook his head. ‘When did you get so hardened?’

  ‘I don’t think I am, Theo, not really. But I do know that life can end in a blink.’ She thought of her mum walking out onto Kilan Pasture in the freezing hours before dawn, and she also pictured Anna. ‘And we don’t really have time for the dance that goes with not being straight about how we feel and what we want.’

  ‘You’re talking about Angus?’

  She gave a wry smile. ‘A bit.’

  The two sipped their tea in silence until Theo looked up at the clock. ‘I think I might have a nap. I seem to be asleep more than I’m awake at the moment. It feels good to shut down, opt out for a bit. My head hurts from all the thinking.’

  ‘I bet it does. Look, I’ll push off.’ She reached for her car keys. ‘Listen to your body, Theo. If you need to sleep, sleep.’

  He nodded. ‘The funeral is next Thursday – I’ll let Soph have the details.’

  ‘Of course, and you know where I am if you need anything.’

  ‘Thanks, Kitty.’ He saw her to the front door and closed it firmly before she’d made it to the end of the path.

  She sat in the car and looked up at the house with the curtains drawn and the cloud of sadness hanging over it. Even the plants seemed to droop forlornly, missing the hand of the person who loved and tended to them. Kitty was desperately worried about Theo and considered how best to proceed. She was tempted to hammer down the door, hold him fast and tell him she would be there for him no matter what; but this she knew would in part be fuelled by the feelings she had for him, inappropriate feelings when the man had just lost the love of his life, and inappropriate for her to confess, even to herself, as it would only mean further heartache for her, and that was the last thing she needed.

  *

  St. Mary’s Church, Barnes was busy. Friends, relatives and neig
hbours crammed into the pews, shedding tears as they picked up the order of service with its picture of Anna on the front; she was holding her beloved Gunner and smiling into the camera.

  Kitty and Sophie slotted into seats near the back. Kitty reached for her daughter’s hand. There was something about a funeral that seemed to pull the stopper from the bottle in which all the hurts lived. At twenty-eight, Sophie had still only been to one funeral before, her grandma’s, and Kitty knew that when her daughter dabbed the tissue at her eye, it would be for Anna, of course, but also for Theo at his loss, and for all the other sadness that Sophie held, big and small.

  Theo came in and kept his eyes resolutely on the front of the church. A taller, lanky man walked by his side. Kitty glanced briefly at Theo’s sallow complexion. He looked utterly broken and just the sight of him was like a punch to the gut. It reminded her so much of how her dad had looked when her mum had died. She pictured him now, rattling around Darraghfield and keeping busy with the estate, still not fully restored to the person he was, but better; much, much better.

  Hymns rang out. Jordan, Anna’s cousin from New York, could barely get through his eulogy. His words were heartfelt as he clutched the sides of the lectern, reminiscing about their teenage year together in Birmingham, their shared love of music and silly theatricals, the regular phone calls across the Atlantic. Anna’s friend Shania was next. ‘Anna and I met when we were kids in care…’ This reminder sent a jolt through Kitty. It was easy to forget the start Anna had had; her tough childhood could have made her bitter, could have sent her in a different direction, but Anna had pushed on through and become the loveliest of people, the most loyal of friends.

  As Kitty sat listening, she imagined the kind words and fond memories dancing up above the rafters and then falling like stardust, settling on the congregation and making them all feel a little happier.

  After the service, everyone drifted back to the home Anna had shared with Theo. It felt odd being there without Anna present. She had always been a wonderful host and more than one person commented on how they half expected her to pop up and replenish glasses. Sombre-faced waitresses ferried platters of sandwiches and nibbles around the room. Kitty recognised some individuals she’d met at the house before. There was the very elderly Sylvie, who’d known Anna a long time. She cried loudly and without restraint, and was supported by a nice-looking man called Ned, whom Kitty assumed was her son; he kept crooking his finger into the collar of his shirt and pulling, as if he found it constricting. And Shania, of course, who’d spoken so eloquently in the church and who’d travelled all the way from St Lucia. She looked utterly bereft as she linked arms and chatted to another friend of Anna’s, a heavyset American called Melanie. Anna’s half-sister, Lisa, was there with her new husband, her cab-driver brother Micky, and her older daughter Kaylee, whom she knew Anna adored.

  ‘It’s Kitty, isn’t it?’

  She turned to see the tall, lanky man who’d escorted Theo into the church.

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded. ‘I’m Sophie’s mum,’ she added nervously, for some reason feeling that she needed to explain her presence. Sophie herself was chatting to her gran, Stella.

  ‘I know.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘I’m Spud, Theo’s friend from university.’ He tutted. ‘I don’t know why I said that – I’ve been his friend ever since university too. Can’t seem to shake him off.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ She’d heard the name mentioned by Sophie. Mostly in stories about Theo’s misspent youth and usually featuring dingy student digs and a fondness for scampi no matter what the occasion.

  ‘I’m worried about Theo.’ He cut to the chase.

  ‘Yes, me too.’ She looked out towards the hallway, where Theo was leaning against the bannister and sipping from his tumbler while Jordan seemed to be giving him detailed advice.

  ‘He doesn’t cope too well with major setbacks. He’s not resilient.’ Spud spoke in a fatherly fashion, caring and without sounding judgemental. She found it endearing.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I live in Washington, sadly, so I can’t be here all the time, but he needs someone.’

  She looked at him and wondered when he was going to get to the point.

  ‘I think you need to keep an eye on him, Kitty.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes. He doesn’t trust many people and no one knows him that well and it would be unfair to ask Sophie.’

  ‘Yes, it would.’ She looked at her girl, sitting on the floor and thumbing the skin on the back of her gran’s hand as she listened to her chat. Sophie had only just taken up a new teaching post and needed to put all her efforts into her career.

  ‘It feels weird me asking you.’ He gave a snort of laughter.

  Kitty was finding his manner a bit strange. ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘When Theo and I first met at uni, he told me you were kind of the one that got away, and we had a plan – “To erasing Kitty!”’ He lifted his beer bottle in a mock toast. ‘It basically involved heavy drinking and dating as many girls as possible. He was doing well, until you bumped into each other again.’ He paused and they both looked again at Sophie. ‘Sorry, this really is starting to sound weird.’ He coughed.

  ‘Just a bit.’

  ‘What I mean is, he needs someone to look out for him and I think it should be you. He is totally lost without Anna.’

  They both glanced up as Jordan now wrapped Theo in a warm embrace.

  Kitty nodded. ‘I will do my best, but I don’t want to be pushy or stick my nose in where it’s not wanted. I might have known Theo a long time, but we’re only close via Soph. We don’t know each other that well, not really.’

  And I need to protect my own heart, I need to look after me. I am also not as resilient as others might think.

  Spud swigged from his beer bottle. ‘I don’t know who else to ask.’

  Kitty was moved by the genuine look of concern on his face. ‘He’s lucky to have a friend like you.’

  ‘And I’m lucky to have him.’ He straightened.

  ‘So you are back off to Washington?’

  ‘Yes, tomorrow. I hate flying, but I need to get back. I’m about to become a grandad for the first time.’ He beamed. ‘My wife would never forgive me if I missed the big event.’

  ‘Oh, how lovely! Congratulations.’

  ‘Yep, my daughter, Miyu. We don’t know what she’s having, it’s a surprise.’

  ‘I can’t wait for that. But I better keep my voice down, don’t want Sophie to feel any pressure. Mind you, when I was twenty-seven, I was well into motherhood. Soph was already six…’ She beamed at the memory.

  ‘Miyu’s made an early start too. She’s only twenty. But when the time’s right, it’s right, I guess. Motherhood has come knocking and she’s happy. So’s my wife, Kumi – just don’t call her granny. I learnt that one the hard way.’ He sucked air through his clenched teeth.

  Kitty sipped her wine and both fell silent. She imagined Spud, like her, was thinking of Anna, who had so desperately wanted motherhood to come knocking.

  ‘To Anna.’ She lifted her glass and Spud clinked his beer bottle against it.

  ‘To Anna.’

  *

  Kitty left it a week before picking up the phone. Spud’s words rattled around her head. It was a fine line to walk: she wanted to be the best friend she could to Theo, but she didn’t want to interfere, not at this horrible, sad time of reflection. She felt conflicted.

  ‘Yes.’ His voice was more of a growl and she suspected was tinged with booze.

  ‘It’s me. Kitty. I was wondering how you’re doing?’

  He sighed slowly. ‘Not great.’

  ‘What can I do to help you, Theo?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Do you have food in?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Do you have someone to talk to?’

  ‘Nope and that’s just fine.’

  It was her turn to sigh.

  ‘Okay, well, I’ll let you get on, bu
t don’t let things build up. I’m on the end of the line if you need someone to talk to, and I can be there in no time at all if you want someone to sit with you or you need anything at all. I am your friend. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ He sounded like he might be crying and this only put her at a further loss for words. ‘Actually, Kitty, there is one thing.’ He sniffed.

  ‘Of course. What?’

  ‘I have an estate agent coming to put the house on the market and I don’t think I can face it on my own – could you come over?’

  ‘You’re putting the house on the market?’ She couldn’t help the surprise in her tone or the implication that this was the worst possible thing to do right now.

  ‘Yes. I don’t want to be here without her.’

  ‘Well, if that’s what you’ve decided, then of course, Theo, you just let me know when and I’ll be there.’

  She wasn’t sure that moving so quickly was right for Theo. Time away, she understood; a change of scenery, yes; but ridding himself of the only place he and Anna had ever lived? She would have to think about how she might raise this when she saw him next.

  *

  A few days later she was in the car when her phone flashed on the passenger seat. She engaged the hands-free. ‘Hey, Soph!’

  ‘I just tried home and you aren’t there. And I know it’s not a gallery day.’

  ‘That’s right. I am allowed to leave the house occasionally!’ She laughed.

  ‘I didn’t know where you were.’ Her daughter’s tone was almost accusatory.

  ‘Well, I am sorry for not keeping you informed,’ she offered sarcastically, actually rather liking the fact that her girl wanted to keep tabs on her. She had a fear of getting lost or ill and being unaccounted for, but with Sophie and Olly in regular contact, this was less likely to happen. ‘If you must know, I’m popping over to Theo’s.’

  ‘My Theo’s?’

  Again, Kitty laughed, choosing not to point out that if he had not been her Theo first, he would never have been Sophie’s Theo… ‘Yes! He’s thinking of selling the house and has an agent coming over. I’m going to sit with him.’