My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  By the end of the first week, Maddie received forms from Joe’s lawyer for the change of Jackie’s and Robby’s names. By the end of the fourth week she received the request for legal adoption. So, for the past week, Jackie had been constantly complaining about having to sign his name John McNier instead of John Green. “It’s stupid to have two capital letters in someone’s name—and why was the I before the E when the name was pronounced McNeer?”

  Personally, Joe’s absence was driving her mad. She missed sitting with him in the evenings as they watched the boys before bed. She missed his constant teasing of her brothers. She missed the knowledge that if ever she needed him in an emergency, all she had to do was call out his name—and sometimes, just send him a glance. She missed waking in the middle of the night and finding him there, holding and protecting her from the world, and waking in the mornings to either find him already in the bathroom shaving or still sleeping heavily as his alarm buzzed unheeded. She missed his touch, his kiss, his caress. But the Joe she had come to see during the few glances she’d had of him over the past five weeks gave her little to count on other than the safety of her children while they were with him.

  The ride back from Lew’s was even more somber than the ride to his house. Hardly a word was spoken as Robby slept on the seat, leaning against his mother. Jackie seemed equally tired as he gazed sightlessly out of the window. The short trip had taken a toll on her mother, as well, as she barely uttered a word, watching the road in the headlights of the car. Maddie watched Joe from the rear seat, having a freedom the darkness provided, letting her do so without being watched in return. His profile that, partially lit by the dashboard lights, cast her under a mesmerizing spell as she silently watched him.

  “You getting out of the car tonight, Mrs. Green?” Joe stood at his door, already assisting Jackie out, now waiting for Robby to be handed to him.

  “Robby. We’re home.” Maddie looked down at the dark head lying against her.

  “Don’t wake him. I want him asleep.” Joe climbed halfway into the back seat with her as he went about releasing the boy’s seatbelt.

  “Shouldn’t you be helping Mom inside?” Maddie asked coolly.

  “Jackie’s doing it.” He picked up the boy, then stepped back out of the car, not waiting to help Maddie out this time.

  Maddie followed them inside her mother’s house, staying long enough to see that Sarah was seated comfortably in her chair and set for the evening.

  “Jackie, you be good.” She reached down and kissed the top of his head, then reached to brush a strand of dark hair back on Robby’s forehead as Joe held him in his arms. “I’ll see you sometime tomorrow, Mom. I’m a little tired—think I’ll go down home a while.”

  “All right,” Sarah called after her. “Get some rest.”

  “I will,” Maddie smiled as she opened the door and made her way across the porch, the thought of her bed or couch becoming irresistible.

  The walk to her house was a chilly and damp one, although the temperature was nearly fifty degrees; unusual for this time of year, today having risen to nearly seventy. Her feet were wet by the time she pushed open her door and kicked her sneakers off, immediately heading for her bedroom to replace her damp socks with warm, dry ones. First came off the jacket, blouse and bra followed by her maternity pants. She grabbed her soft white robe and climbed inside it, draping it around her and appreciating its warmth. She carelessly brushed out her hair, letting it fall free around her shoulders, then went back to the living room where she turned on the televison and curled up on the couch. After a few moments she pulled an afghan over herself and settled down to watch a movie with her head lying on a pillow that she had brought home from her store.

  Later, through her sleep, she heard the door open; the footsteps that followed were as familiar as her own. She remained as she was, curled on the couch with her eyes closed, waiting, wanting to know what it was that had brought Joe to her house. She heard him approaching the couch, as if on his way past it to some other room in the house, then hesitating as if he really didn’t want to stop. She listened to the pause that followed, knowing he was watching her sleep, then after a long moment his short, bitter laugh.

  “Some rich entrepreneur.” His voice was low, so low she suspected he thought she was still sleeping and didn’t wish to wake her. “Capable of stealing a man’s children right out from under him. You lay there looking as innocent as you did eight years ago—and not much older. But then looks can be very deceiving, can’t they. Damn you anyway! Why do you have such a power to destroy a man? Why did it have to be me?!”

  The long pause that followed was broken by the sound of material rustling, telling Maddie that he was now kneeling next to the couch. The touch of his fingers on her hair as he pushed it back over one shoulder sent tremors through her. She opened her eyes as his finger moved to her cheek, softly moving to her lips where he outlined their curves, stopping to rest on her bottom lip as his eyes moved up to lock with hers. She read his expression easily; whatever had brought him down to her house was forgotten. He stood up and looked at her, silently asking the question he couldn’t ask and waiting for the permission she couldn’t voice. Instead, her hand reached out to touch his jean-clad leg, sliding up its inside in a mild caress that let him know all he needed to know. His jacket was off instantly, tossed onto a nearby chair before his hands moved to open the flannel shirt covering his chest. She lay still, watching as he removed the shirt, feeling the sensations flowing through her from the sight of him. The expression in his eyes as he pulled her panties over her hips and off her legs then placed his knee between her thighs told her he couldn’t wait to remove his pants. He needed to touch her instantly.

  She felt the same need, a need that was rushing through her veins, consuming her as her hands moved to him, drawing him down to her and meeting his mouth with a passion that was slow and sweet. His possession was complete, moving in her with an exquisite tenderness, both watching one another, drinking in the sight of each other. Their lovemaking carried them on a delicate ride through a gentle ecstasy she had never experienced before.

  “Joe,” she breathed as he lay on her after completion. “I love you.”

  He moved off of her immediately, his eyes holding a fire that made her instinctively pull her robe around herself tightly. He stood and fixed his jeans, staring at her, then finally moved toward the door and picked up his coat and shirt.

  “You don’t know what that means.” His voice was hoarse.

  “I . . . ?!” She quickly moved to stand before him, but he wouldn’t look at her as he went about replacing his shirt. “Joe, you’ve got to stop this! For God’s sake—don’t you realize . . .”

  “I realize what you are, and who you are! Let’s just keep it at that.” He pulled on his jacket.

  “No! Let’s not keep it at that! You’ve avoided me for five damn weeks! You’ve avoided facing what’s going on. Only taking what’s yours without having to face the one you’re taking them from!”

  “Well, you should be used to that, shouldn’t you? After all, you were in my position often enough. Taking from someone and not sticking around to face them.”

  “Now wait just one minute! I stuck around! You were the one who always left. Never sticking around longer than it took to get me pregnant, then poof! You’re gone! And here we go again for the third time! Ya got me pregnant—found out—and then moved out! By damn, you’re really getting this act down to perfection!”

  “This time there’s a difference, Maddie! I know I’m the father this time! And I’m not gone—I’ll be around when the baby gets here! Did you ever stop to think that I would have been around for the other ones too? If you had told me? But no—you enjoyed playing the martyr too much!”

  “You know why I didn’t tell you about Jackie!”

  “Yeah—I know what you said! And I know it’s nothing but a crock! Even at seventeen—you loved me so Goddamn much that you believed whatever those bastards could cook up
to tell ya!”

  “Don’t you talk to me about love! Not when you stood right in front of me—held your hand on my stomach and felt your son kick—and you still couldn’t see it was your baby I was carrying!”

  “Are you nuts?! How in the hell was I supposed to know who knocked ya up?!”

  “How eloquently put,” she said through clenched teeth. “You were supposed to know—because you were supposed to be in love with me! Or so you insinuated while I was in your father’s bed with you! You were supposed to know I would never jump into bed with Bob Green two weeks after that! But no! You didn’t want to know!”

  “Are you through?” He yanked his jacket closed and started for the door.

  “No I’m not through! I want you to think about eight years of constantly looking over my shoulder! Of constantly guarding my children from something I couldn’t even see—not knowing if you were going to find out at any moment—and not knowing just when you would come and try to take them from me! Try to remember that for four and a half years I didn’t have anyone to discuss this with! I’ve been guarding them totally alone! Knowing I’d never let a man who had used me twice take them from me!”

  “Well, Maddie,” he smiled coldly at her as he opened the door. “You can stop all that worrying now, can’t you? That vermin has your boys. My boys. And there’s little you can do now to keep them away from me.”

  She watched him go out, slamming the door behind him before dropping onto the couch in frustration, her feet slamming down on the coffee table, her anger and frustration overwhelming her.

  CHAPTER XXXIV

  NOVEMBER 1984

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  Thanksgiving 1984

  The weather changed little over the next six days, raining on and off throughout the day, then a steady drizzle through the night. Felicia and Ollie sulked most of Saturday morning. They wanted to go up to the Baker house, but Joe didn’t want to chance another meeting with Maddie. Not after what had taken place the previous weekend. He went to Maddie’s house only for the boys’ fishing rods. He had planned to take them fishing the next morning, but, by the time he left Maddie’s, the rods were the last things on his mind. The next two days were dark and dreary. With Joe’s mood the way it was, the only things that kept the four children from going completely mad from boredom were the video games Ollie had brought the previous month.

  If he thought the weekend had been bad, the three days after it were worse, facing the drab weather alone as he did. He spent most of his evenings after work blindly gazing at his television. By Wednesday afternoon he went straight to the Johnsons’ home and packed Felicia and Ollie into the truck. He telephoned Maddie’s house and Jackie answered; they would be down by early evening. But by the time the boys arrived Felicia was pacing the floor, occasionally glancing toward him, then toward the telephone.

  “Felicia, what the hell’s wrong with you?” Joe finally asked.

  “Dad, how long are you going to be mad at Maddie?!” she asked angrily. “God! All she did was give you two more sons! And maybe another daughter this time! You act as if she stole me and Ollie from you!”

  He stared at her a long moment. It had never occurred to him that she felt so strongly about this, or that she had such a strong grasp of the facts. He rose and went to the kitchen to refill his coffee cup.

  “You shouldn’t spend so much time worrying about something that doesn’t concern you. You’re too young to be pacing the floor worrying about your old man’s lack of romance.”

  “I don’t care a hoot if you have a romance or not.” She followed him. “But you’re not letting us go up to Gram’s anymore—just because we might run into Maddie. Well I hope we do run into Maddie. I like her. So does Ollie. And I miss her.”

  “That’s what all the pacing was for? Well you can settle your nerves. We’re going up tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. You’ll probably see her at Mom’s, unless she’s too busy running her store.”

  “Hey—did you check out the feed and grain yet?” Ollie called into the kitchen from where he lay in front of the television, watching Robby and Jackie playing one of his games.

  “No,” Joe answered. “I haven’t.”

  “Then you shouldn’t make fun of it. Grandfather Johnson says the location was perfect. Business is great. He says if it keeps up, she’ll have all the money back that she invested in it, and she’ll be making a whopping profit soon.”

  “And that impresses you, does it?” He realized if there was anything to be known about an area business, Arthur Johnson would know it.

  “I guess so. But it really impresses Grandfather. He says she’s a smart woman. She sees what a community needs or lacks and she puts it there.”

  “And how does your grandmother feel about this?”

  “It pisses her off. She turns bluish pink—like a mad turkey, and leaves the room.”

  “It what?” Joe concealed his smile, knowing his oldest son’s language had been going steadily downhill since he had begun staying with him. “I bet your language doesn’t do much for her temper either.”

  “Dad, I don’t talk like this in there. I save it for when I come out here,” he smiled.

  “Thanks. What a gift,” he said, hearing the telephone ring and absently reaching for it. Felicia ran in front of him and grabbed it. “Jesus—Lis!”

  “Hello? Oh. I don’t know. He’s in a foul mood. You’d better ask him.” She handed the telephone to her father.

  “Hello.”

  “Are you going to send her up? Or am I going to have to make this dinner all by myself?” Sarah’s voice scolded him over the line.

  “Isn’t your daughter up there helping?”

  “Of course she is. So’s my daughter-in-law. But they’re both pregnant—and about as useless as I am. We need some fresh blood up here. A young set of legs that will do our running up and down the cellar steps for us. Ya know, I may have been able to do this all by myself when you kids were younger—but don’t forget I was younger then too. It wouldn’t hurt to send Lisa up to help. She might learn a thing or two.”

  “You want Lis up. All you had to do was ask.”

  “Then you’ll send her up?”

  “She’s getting her jacket on right now,” he told her, hearing voices in the background, repeatedly asking if she was coming up, then Sarah’s muffled affirmative answer, telling them she was on her way.

  “All right then. That’s all I wanted. You can go back to what you were doing.”

  “Good night, Mom.” He replaced the telephone and glanced at the tall, red-haired girl about to race out his front door. “Lis, wait!”

  She stopped suddenly and turned to look at him. “Yes?”

  “Why do I have the suspicion this was planned days ago?”

  “Probably because it was. Gram asked me if I wanted to help when I called out Monday and talked to her,” she smiled; then in a second she was gone.

  It was nearly noon by the time Joe gathered the boys the next day and started up to Sarah and Jack’s house; all three of them racing ahead as he took his time. The closer he came, the more uneasy he felt. He didn’t want to face Maddie again. He only wanted to be left alone for a while longer; then maybe he could make some decisions. But the more he thought about it, the more he doubted it. He was being pulled in too many directions. On the one side was Sarah and Felicia telling him to forgive and forget. On the other was his lawyer, pushing him to get formal visitation rig
hts. But for some reason, that was the one area of formality he kept putting off. His lawyer even told him that, because she had signed the other papers so easily and quickly, he might try to get equal custody of the two boys—and, if they pushed for it, perhaps full custody. He put a quick stop to that train of thought. He knew he might as well put a gun to her head as take full custody of those two boys; it would kill her just the same.

  “Lew’s here!” Jackie ran ahead of the others when he saw Lew in the kitchen, slamming the door behind him and cutting off Ollie.

  “Lew’s here!” Robby repeated as he almost knocked Ollie off the porch steps, trying to get onto the porch and into the house behind his older brother.

  “Lew—who?!” Ollie demanded as he clutched the wooden banister.

  “Cressinger.” Joe held the door open. “You’ve heard of him before. Mom’s brother.”

  “Well, it’s about time you got out of bed,” Lew said to Joe from where he sat at the table, leaning on his crutches.

  “I’ve been up.” Joe sat on the chair at the end of the table, seeing Felicia sitting across from the man. She rested her head against her hand as she watched him with great interest. “What are you doing to my daughter, Lew? Filling her head with more stories?”

  “Yes,” Felicia smiled, “and they’re pretty good ones too.”

  “What happened to you?” Ollie let his gaze move down Lew’s leg, but, as he saw the stub wrapped in Ace bandage, his face changed to embarrassment. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  “So am I,” Lew chuckled. “I was just telling your sister what happened, but she doesn’t believe me.”

  Ollie glanced over at Felicia then back to Lew. “What happened?”

  “Well I was telling her my foot got this way from kicking your old man’s ass when he was a kid—just one too many times.”

  “Lew.” Sarah walked into the kitchen. “You’re going from bad to worse.”

  “But I just keep getting better lookin’,” he smiled up at her.