Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  “Are you okay, Alexa?” Julian’s voice is soft and gentle.

  I lie. “Yes, just exhausted. It was a long weekend. I just need to go to sleep.” Oh damn it! Tears spring to my eyes, and my voice cracks. I really am a total and complete mess.

  He responds quietly. “Okay. I’ll let you go then. Sweet dreams.”

  All I hear are three words: Let. You. Go. That’s the problem. I don’t want him to let me go.

  “Goodnight, Julian.”

  That’s what I say, and I hang up the phone. I don’t allow myself to consider his reaction to my coldness. I turn my phone off, pull the covers up, and let some of the tears come. I’m crying because I have no idea how to handle all of these feelings that are running amok through my body, heart, and mind. I’ve been numb for almost a year, and as Julian breaks down the walls around my heart with his perfect words and loving touch, I’m being brought back to life. It’s absolutely wonderful and absolutely terrifying.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I wake up the next morning feeling better. I needed to sleep, and despite all the drama of the weekend, I slept well. I already blew my hair out yesterday and picked my clothes out too, so getting ready for work takes no time at all. I’m wearing a fit and flare dress with a colorful and fun, multicolor-blocked and striped print. I put a skinny, brown belt around my waist and put on a pair of patent leather nude Via Spiga Mary Jane pumps.

  I grab a banana and some coffee and am into work by eight thirty. I’m the first one there, so it’s quiet. I turn my computer on and check through some new messages. As I’m scrolling down, I see the last one Julian sent me with the lyrics from “Brighter than the Sun.” I bet he doesn’t feel that way this morning. I was like a big, dark storm cloud last night when we talked. I should call him and apologize, but I’m not feeling brave enough for that this morning. I decide to send him lyrics from one of my favorite songs, “Breathe in Breathe Out” by Mat Kearney.

  To: Julian Bauer—JPB@BWproperties.com

  From: Alexa Reed—arrluvsshoes@hotmail.com

  Subj: Deep Breaths

  We push and pull

  And I fall down sometimes

  I’m not letting go

  You hold the other line

  I’m sorry about how rudely I got off the phone last night. I was tired, and I was sad. I missed you terribly yesterday. I hope you have a great day.

  Alexa

  I hit send and get back to work. I actually have a busy morning and end up showing a couple of units. Andrea also called, and she’s coming in to see me before lunch. She wants to talk about my promotion and what will be happening in the next few weeks. Lauren and I plan to go to lunch after. I’m doing everything I can to take my mind off of Julian.

  My meeting with Andrea goes great. It looks like I’ll be moving down to South Beach in a few weeks. I’m very excited at the opportunities this move will provide. It’s a promotion, and I’ll be making more money. The commute will be different, but I can’t help but think it means I’ll be closer to Julian. When we’re finished, Andrea calls Lauren in for a meeting. I leave the room and head back to my desk. I check my personal mail for the first time since this morning and smile when I see an e-mail from Julian. It came in shortly after I sent one to him earlier.

  From: Julian Bauer—JPB@BWproperties.com

  To: Alexa Reed—arrluvsshoes@hotmail.com

  Subj: No Doubts

  I don’t know this song, but I like the lyrics. I’ll listen to it later. I missed you yesterday too. I still missed you this morning. I prefer waking up with you in my bed. I hate that anything about being with me is making you sad.

  My day is better now.

  Julian

  I feel much better that he has reciprocated and said that he misses me too. I wish he would’ve written more, but he probably doesn’t have time to spend making me feel better and more secure.

  To: Julian Bauer—JPB@BWproperties.com

  From: Alexa Reed—arrluvsshoes@hotmail.com

  Subj: My bed was too big too

  Nothing about being with you makes me sad. It’s being without you that I have a problem with. I got a little spoiled this weekend. A few days away from you, and I’ll be back to being my less needy self.

  Alexa

  I want to write in my e-mail that we could avoid the whole missing each other thing by seeing each other, but I don’t want to seem desperate. I assume, in most normal relationships, people slowly to get to know each other, and as they do, the amount of time they spend together grows. Brady and I started spending all of our time together right from the start, and that ended horribly. Julian and I just spent most of the weekend together, and as great as it was, it was also exhausting. I was fine being alone just a few weeks ago, and I’m going to be fine now. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

  I just finish sending my e-mail when Andrea and Lauren walk into my office. Lauren has a big smile on her face. “Looks like you’re stuck with me.” She’s beaming, and I guess correctly that she’s making the move to the Promenade with me. I’m genuinely happy for her. We work well together and have both been successful here. I get up and give her a hug.

  “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. And for me.”

  Andrea tells us a few more specifics and leaves for another appointment. Lauren and I grab our things and head out to lunch. We ride the elevator down and talk about how great it’s going to be that we’re moving together. We grab lunch at a great Thai place in Cocowalk.

  “We haven’t really talked since we went out that night a few weeks ago. I figured you’ve been mad at me because I hooked up with Luke.” Lauren brings up the conversation, so I decide to tell her how I really feel about her and Luke being together.

  “I was never mad at you. I just didn’t, or don’t, think Luke is a good person to try to be in a relationship with. I thought that was what you wanted, so I tried to steer you in a different direction. It really isn’t any of my business, so I’m sorry for getting involved.”

  “No, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m sure Luke has told you we really aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

  I feel bad for her because she looks upset by this, but I’m not at all surprised.

  “I have no idea what’s going on with you two. Luke hasn’t said a word to me. We’ve been avoiding relationship topics.”

  She seems disappointed I don’t know anything. I’m thinking she was hoping to get some information from me. “Really? I thought you two talked about everything.”

  “We used to. Ever since I met Julian, things have changed. He isn’t a fan and doesn’t want to hear anything about what I’m doing.”

  “It’s just because he’s jealous, Lexie.”

  “Jealous? Luke isn’t jealous of Julian, or anyone for that matter. You know him, he thinks highly of himself.” I’m only half kidding. Luke doesn’t think many men are competition for him.

  “I don’t think he’s jealous of Julian like that. I just think he’s jealous that Julian is spending time with you, time you used to spend with him.”

  “Did he say that to you?” I’m very curious what Luke has said about Julian and me to other people.

  “Not in so many words. I just sensed he misses hanging out with you.”

  I ponder what Lauren said for a moment. Maybe Luke is just jealous that I’m not spending so much time with him. I’d rather think that’s why he has been acting so crazy than think it’s because he has romantic feelings for me.

  “I miss hanging out with him too, but things were bound to change when one of us got into a relationship.”

  Lauren shrugs her shoulders. “Well he might be having issues with you for a while because he definitely isn’t interested in being in a relationship.”

  She tells me a little bit about what happened between them, and I just listen. It was exactly
what I thought would happen. She wants more, and he won’t commit. Typical Luke. She asks about Julian, and I tell her a little. She doesn’t push for information, and I’m glad because I’m not in much of a sharing mood as far as that subject goes. We pay the bill, and she goes to use the bathroom. I have a minute, so I check my phone. I have a missed call and a text from Julian. They both came in about a half an hour ago.

  Julian: Going dark Alexa?

  Uh-oh. I thought I was being good about this. I sent him two e-mails this morning, but I remember I didn’t check to see if he ever responded. I would call, but I don’t like being on the phone when I’m around other people.

  Alexa: No Julian. I’m here. Why?

  He responds right away.

  Julian: Where is here?

  Hmm … is he checking up on me?

  Alexa: Here is at lunch in the grove with my coworker Lauren. Heading back to office now.

  Julian: Ok. I’ll wait.

  Alexa: Wait for what?

  Julian: You.

  Alexa: I’m confused.

  Julian: Check your email

  I open my e-mail and see one from Julian from an hour ago.

  From: Julian Bauer—JPB@BWproperties.com

  To: Alexa Reed—arrluvsshoes@hotmail.com

  Subj: Needs

  I would prefer you don’t stop needing me. I also got spoiled this weekend. It was a major change for me, and I liked it. I also like to see you happy, so I’m coming to you. See you around 2.

  Julian

  I glance at my watch and see it’s two thirty. He’s waiting for me? I could not be more excited to see him. I text him back.

  Alexa: Be there in 20.

  I tell Lauren we need to hurry back and explain that Julian is waiting for me. She sees how happy I am and offers to cover for me if I want to sneak out for a little while. I text Julian back and let him know to meet me at a little park in the community.

  I find Julian sitting on a bench under a tree in the shade. His back is toward me. I come up from behind him and wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him on the cheek. He grabs my hand and pulls me around him and onto his lap. He flashes me a warm smile and kisses me softly on the lips.

  “Hey, you,” Julian says to me as he pulls his lips away from mine.

  “Hey, you.”

  I can’t stop smiling. I’m so happy to see him. It has only been a little more than twenty-four hours since I saw him last, but it really feels like so long ago.

  “You look beautiful as usual, Alexa.” Julian is running his hand up and down my back, and I feel the energy between us start to buzz. He’s wearing black slacks and a white linen shirt that he has rolled up at the sleeves. His outfit is plain and basic, and he makes it looks hot.

  “You do too, Julian. And by the way, flattery will get you everywhere.”

  I lean in to kiss him again, and he meets me halfway. He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and holds me close as he slips his tongue into my mouth and deepens the kiss. I feel it everywhere. We’re in a public place with people around, so this can’t go any further. I pull away before I start ripping his clothes off.

  He moans softly and removes his hand. I stand up and sit down next to him instead of on him. I can’t help but notice I was not the only one turned on by that kiss. Julian notices me staring at his erection and chuckles but doesn’t say anything snarky. He seems a little reserved, and I wonder if something is wrong.

  “Thank you for coming to see me. I’m so sorry I kept you waiting. You know I suck at checking my phone and e-mail.”

  He’s looking at me with tenderness in his eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you for a very, very long time, Alexa. I’m just glad you’re finally here.”

  Oh my God. Really? I must be back in the fairytale with the prince because this stuff doesn’t happen in real life. I’m speechless so I just grab his hand and thread my fingers through his.

  “Did you really come down here just to see me?”

  “Yes. Is that okay?”

  “It’s awesome. Now I don’t have to miss you for a little while.”

  “That was the plan. You sounded sad last night, and I haven’t been able to get your voice out of my head.”

  Great. I didn’t want him to come here because he feels sorry for me. It makes me feel a little pathetic.

  “I was okay, Julian. I am okay. I just enjoyed being able to spend so much time with you.”

  He thinks about what I said for a minute before he replies. “So did I, Alexa. But I’m not sure I’m so okay. I pretty much have been living my life the same way for the last eight years. I work a lot. I spend some time with my family and friends, and I haven’t been a monk, but I’m not used to being around anyone as much as I was with you this weekend.”

  He had been looking straight ahead, and when he turns and looks at me, he sees the panic in my eyes. “What’s wrong, Alexa?”

  “Nothing, Julian. I’m just bracing myself for the big but that sounded like it was coming at the end of that last sentence.”

  He shakes his head as if he can’t believe I’m questioning his feelings. “I came here because I couldn’t stay away. I’m not sure I’m okay because every feeling I’m having is totally new to me. Every single thing that happened with you this weekend doesn’t happen in my world, by my choice. The part that’s messing with my head is that it all felt so right and so natural. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact I’ve only known you for a few weeks, and I can’t go a day without missing you.”

  I start to speak, and he interrupts me. “And if you say something sarcastic right now, it will not go over well.”

  I was going to say something along the lines of it must be all the great sex we’re having, but I take heed of his warning and answer honestly instead. “I feel the same way, Julian.”

  Judging by his smile, my answer is well received. We sit quietly for a few minutes.

  “What are you doing tonight? Do you want to come over?” I don’t want to push it, but I’d love to spend more time with him.

  “I’d love to, but I’m having dinner with my mom at seven. I’m not sure when I’ll be done, but it’ll probably be on the late side. I haven’t spent any time with her lately.”

  Well, I guess I can’t be upset by that. He doesn’t say much about his family, and this seems a good time to ask a question or two.

  “Are you and your parents close?”

  “I’m very close to my mom. My dad and I are not close.” He says it matter of factly, and I get the distinct impression he doesn’t want me to dig any deeper.

  “What about you? Are you close to your parents?”

  “Yes and no. They’re good parents, and they love me, but they have a different vision for my life than I do, and it strains our relationship.”

  Julian looks curious. “What’s their vision for you, Alexa?” It’s a fair question, so I respond honestly.

  “They want me to be married, or at least be getting close to getting married. My two sisters were married by this age, and my parents have been married since their early twenties. Their idea of what makes people happy is also different than mine.”

  “In what way?” He’s looking at me intently, and I realize we’re having a real “getting to know you” conversation.

  “They place a lot of emphasis on the importance of money, and I don’t. I like nice things, and I work hard for what I have, but nothing could convince me that money makes people truly happy.”

  “So let me get this straight. They want you to marry a rich man, and soon?”

  This conversation just took a weird turn. A beautiful, single, rich man is sitting next to me holding my hand. “Pretty much.”

  “And you’re against marrying a man with money?” He says it playfully with a twinkle in his eye, and I know he’s teasing me.

 
“Nope, just haven’t been asked by one yet. You wouldn’t happen to know any that are in the market, would you? Frank and Claire, my parents, would be so grateful for any help you could give me in that area.”

  One day he will learn I can keep up with his sarcastic teasing. Julian looks directly at me when he replies, and his tone isn’t playful. It’s serious. “I just might know the perfect man for the job, Alexa. Let me get back to you on that one.”

  Holy hell! Are we really having a conversation about marriage? I mean a conversation about marriage and us? Yeah, I’m so not ready to go there. I change the subject back to his parents.

  “Where are you going for dinner?”

  Julian lets me change the subject. Maybe he realized it was heading some place a little crazy.

  “Just to their house. My mom, Marisol, is an amazing cook, and her food is better than most restaurants. She wants to cook for me.”

  “Sounds nice. Where do they live?”

  “Miami Beach. On North Bay Road.”

  Wow. That area is beautiful and expensive. “Do they live in one of your properties?”

  “No, they live in the same house I grew up in. My mom doesn’t like condo living and didn’t want to raise kids that way.” I can’t help but notice how Julian’s face lights up when he talks about his mom.

  “Well, your mom and I agree on that. I would prefer to live in a house when I have kids.”

  As soon as I say that, I hope Julian doesn’t think I want to talk about having kids. The marriage and kids conversations are a little heavy and definitely premature. He doesn’t say anything about kids though.

  “I think you and my mom would agree about a lot of things. She would like you.”

  “That’s sweet, Julian. I’d like to meet your mom someday.” Not soon, but someday.

  “It would be hard for her not to like you. You’ll remind her of Isabelle.”

  Oh. This is the first time Julian has brought up his sister since the first night when I asked him about his tattoo. That’s quite a statement he just threw out there. I’m not sure I want to remind anyone of a dead family member, but I’m curious why he thinks that, so I ask.