Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  I shook my head sadly. “It doesn’t matter. Believe what you want.” I sank down into my couch.

  “I feel sorry for you, Denise. I really do. All wrapped up in this boy, and everybody in the world can see he doesn’t want you except for you,” Erich said. The disgust in his voice stung.

  I nodded. I could see it. That didn’t change the fact that I couldn’t let go.

  “You really messed up. I was ready to treat you like a queen. But it’s good that you did. Because you deserve to be treated like crap. If that’s all you want for yourself. Which apparently it is.”

  “I thought you were leaving.” I forced the words out of my swollen throat while staring down at my hands.

  “Oh, I am. Don’t worry. I can’t believe I let Astoria get me caught up in your crazy. But let me let you know. You don’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”

  “That’s for the best.”

  “Believe me. I know.”

  “Look, I never pretended anything was there that wasn’t.”

  “You know, before last night, I could have agreed with that. But now, I can’t even say that much is true. I can’t even say that for you.” Erich grabbed his coat, stormed out and slammed the door behind him. I just sat there, blankly staring at the door.

  My heart jumped when my phone buzzed. Even though it was insanely stupid to do so, I hoped I would see John’s number on the caller ID. I took it out, saw Astoria’s number and let out a hoarse scream of frustration, throwing the phone across the room. Tia was just emerging from her room, surprise written across her face.

  “Dang. I think maybe you broke that thing,” she said.

  “Good. I hope I did. There’s no one I wanna talk to anyway,” I snarled, jumping up.

  “What’s wrong with you?” She looked puzzled.

  I needed someone to take it out on. And I was quickly running out of people brave or stupid enough to cross my path. “Nothing. And clean up your mess sometimes. Can’t you see I just cleaned in here? What is wrong with you?” I threw a pair of her jeans across the room. She ducked just in time and they sailed over her head.

  As I stormed off to my room, I heard her mutter, “bitch” under her breath; but from that day on, the apartment was definitely cleaner.

  * * *

  That evening, with the day I was having, of course I ran into John’s roommates while picking up a few things at Wal-Mart. And they actually had the nerve to stop me. They’d barely said two words to me the whole time John and I were together. Shawn James and Tyler Ross. Shawn was blond, and the dark-haired Tyler stood next to him.

  “What do you want? Sasha set you two on me, too?” I asked. I didn’t want to see anybody at that moment; least of all them. Then I heard some of the most shocking words I had ever heard in my life.

  “No. Um, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Tyler said. Shawn rolled his eyes. He kept looking at his watch and staring impatiently toward the front of the store. He obviously didn’t want to be there.

  “Really?” I was truly confused.

  “Yeah. It was so stupid of us to act dumb, like when you came over. The way we acted while you were with John was not cool. I just wanted to say it’s gonna be different now,” Tyler said.

  “Okay,” was all I could think of to say. Tyler looked around and then he leaned in close.

  “So. I was thinking maybe you could come over tonight. You know, after Sasha leaves. I know you wouldn’t want to be there while she is. But I could give you a call later. If you give me your number. I heard you know how to have fun,” Tyler said quietly.

  My mouth dropped open. I was furious. The fact that I actually considered it for a minute pissed me off even more. After all, he was hot and it would have been great revenge.

  “I don’t know what John’s been telling you, but I’m not like that.” I drew away from him.

  “Whatever you say,” Tyler said with an amused grin.

  “No. I mean it. Get out of here,” I said, glaring at him. Shawn was suddenly interested in our conversation again. He snickered. Their maturity level was astounding.

  “Well, I’ve heard about you, no matter what you say. And I like what I hear. So you take this. Just in case,” Tyler said, writing his number on the back of a receipt he’d taken out of his wallet while he was talking. He had the nerve to stick it down the front pocket of my jeans. And he was in no hurry to remove his hand when he was done. He grinned, winking at me. I angrily pulled his hand out of my jeans and pushed him away.

  “You nasty little fool!” I cried.

  “Oh, you want me. So, so bad.” He and Shawn laughed.

  I stomped off, leaving them laughing behind me. I was fuming over what John might have been telling people. And wondering how many people he’d told.

  * * *

  The week after Barrister’s, I was walking down the street from the law school to Astoria’s apartment at the undergrad dorms. She worked in residence life and was a head resident for one of the dorms. We were on the phone, talking about our spring break plans, or lack thereof. I was going home for the week and Astoria was going on a mission trip with a group of people from her church. We had carefully avoided talking about anything that had to do with Erich, John, or anything related to that whole mess since the night of the dance. We had come to an unspoken truce.

  Suddenly, I felt a hard tap on my shoulder; almost a punch. I whirled around, annoyed, and came face-to-face with her.

  “Sasha,” I said blankly, wondering where she had come from and what she wanted.

  “Yeah. I’ve been followin’ you. Trying to decide whether to come up to you or not. But I have to say this,” Sasha said, out of breath. Her face was red and it starkly contrasted with the platinum blonde hair swirling around her head.

  “Yes?” I said coolly.

  “You need to stay the hell away from John!” she snarled. My heart was pounding, but I was trying my hardest to keep my face impassive.

  “John and I broke up. I don’t see him except for around school,” I said, hoping my voice didn’t expose my lie.

  “Yeah? Well, I saw you two talking after Barrister’s. And I heard you two were at a hotel together that night.”

  What? I thought, but I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And please stop screaming in my face right now.”

  “Stop lying to me. You slept with my fiancé, didn’t you?”

  “I never spent that night at any hotel with John,” I said. That much was true.

  Sasha glared at me, nostrils flaring. I was still holding my cellphone in my hand. I absently put it in my purse, not knowing if Astoria was still there or not.

  “If you don’t tell me the truth right now—”

  “What? What, huh? You already have the man I want. You’re engaged to him. You won, okay? You and those harpies you set on me. What else do you want from me? I don’t have anything else for you.”

  “Tell me the truth, you liar.”

  “I was there, okay? But I left before anything happened. That’s it.”

  Her chest heaved. And, if it was possible, she was getting even redder. I wanted her to make a move. I couldn’t wait to pop her in the face.

  “I don’t want to ever hear you’ve been near him ever again,” she said in a somewhat normal voice. She’d stopped yelling anyway.

  “Then you better stop having your little crew spy on me.”

  “Whore.”

  I was ready for that first punch. I had never hit anyone in my life, but I was ready. It couldn’t be but so hard to make a fist and punch someone. I wasn’t going to back down from her. Not after she had taken everything from me. And every time I saw that ring flash, it made me want to hit her even more.

  “You don’t know anything about me. And it’s not my fault he can’t stay away from me.”

  She screamed and drew back a tiny, white fist. A dark hand wrapped around that fist.

  “Oh, no. I don’t think so,” Astoria said. “I heard you two on the phone.
And I ran down here.” Astoria let go of Sasha’s hand.

  Sasha’s face was contorted with disgust and anger. “We’re not finished. This isn’t over!”

  “Yeah. Okay. Get out of my face.”

  “You just wait. You got lucky!”

  “No, you did. Go!” I roared.

  She elbowed me aside and stalked up the sidewalk, toward the law school parking lot. I glared after her, shaking my head.

  “That girl is not right,” Astoria said. “That’s why you shouldn’t have been fooling around with those white people.”

  I whirled around, turning my anger on her, “You really think that’s what I want to hear right now? Really? Do you? Astoria, can you just be a friend now? John’s gone. You should be happy. I don’t wanna hear it anymore.”

  Astoria shrugged, looking a little put off, but she knew she couldn’t say anything. She knew she was wrong.

  “So you still want to come over?” Astoria asked.

  “As long as I’m not going to hear another word about this,” I warned. She looked down at the gold bracelets on her wrist. “Astoria.”

  “No. Okay?” she said, shifting her weight to one of her yellow pumps.

  “Let’s go,” I said, walking off. She fell in step beside me silently.

  “So I guess you don’t want to hear about what Erich—”

  “Astoria,” I said through clenched teeth, “I thought we were past this. No, I don’t want to hear anything about Erich ever again.”

  “Just wanted to let you know he says he’s sorry for being so mean to you,” Astoria said.

  I said nothing. I guess she took that as approval to continue.

  “I mean, he meant what he said. And he knows you two would never work. He just said he shouldn’t have been so harsh. That it’s obvious he’s not what you wanted and that’s not your fault.”

  “Okay,” I replied stonily, still staring straight ahead.

  “And I guess—the same goes for me. I’ll leave you alone about this relationship stuff. I guess you just need time to heal and figure out what you want. Not someone trying to force what she wants for you on you. Even if she means well,” Astoria said.

  I nodded. That was a start at least. If she meant it.

  Chapter 19

  I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU

  Well, it turned out John wasn’t spreading rumors about me. The roommates had just figured out John and I had met up after Barrister’s. And Sasha had found out because of her spies. But it didn’t make me feel much better to know either of those things.

  I tried my hardest to put it all behind me. I fell to my old defenses with a renewed vigor. I put so much into school, activities, and friends that I passed out every night from exhaustion for the few hours I set aside for sleep.

  Astoria, Suse, and I had joined an amateur roller derby league because we got bored easily with the gym and we wanted something we could all do together. Also, I thought it might help Astoria get some of her aggression out. Well, that spring, it was helping me with the aggression. The team had been pushing me to be more aggressive since I joined, and I was finally getting the hang of it. We’d won two games in a row and I was a local hero. They’d let me play a lot more after seeing me at practices after Barrister’s Ball.

  One afternoon in March, Astoria, Suse, and I skated over to the side of the rink after practice. Our teammates slapped us on the shoulder as they passed by on their way to the locker room. I pressed my hand gingerly against the top and then the side of my thigh, wondering if I’d have any bruises from my particularly firm hip-checks that day. I was learning how to be a back-up jammer. The jammer is the point scorer. The jammer’s job is to bull her way through a pack of girls during a two-minute jam without getting knocked out. Fun, but a little hard on the body. All three of us were regularly blockers, which meant it was our job to block the other team’s jammer and help our jammer get through the pack.

  “Denise, you were really killing it out there,” Astoria said. Suse agreed. Another thing that was funny to me about Suse. You’d never know she was aggressive until it came to contact sports and killing defenseless animals in the woods.

  “Yeah, well, I think I’m getting the hang of this roller derby thing,” I said. I’d been the most reluctant to join the team out of the three of us, but that spring, it seemed I had become the one having the most fun.

  After showering and changing, we walked outside into a roaring March wind. It was still early March, just before spring break, which was the second week of the month, and so spring hadn’t really kicked in yet and probably wouldn’t until some time in April.

  “That was our last practice before spring break,” Suse said.

  “Yeah,” I said. Spring break meant little to me. It was just an opportunity to put the finishing touches on my note before the deadline for consideration of publication.

  The law review board would choose which of the staff’s notes would be published in our school’s law review shortly after spring break. I didn’t have high hopes with Lindie behind it all, but I was going to try anyway.

  “I can’t wait. Charles, Daddy, and I are going on a fishing trip,” Suse said. She was gushing. It was a big deal for her that her dad no longer wished Charles would drop dead. Her dad should have trusted his first instinct.

  “I can’t wait to get back to New York, man. I don’t know how being out in the country like this doesn’t bother you two,” Astoria said. “Denise, I wish you would just come with me. You could work on your note up there.”

  “Nope. I’ll get more done at home, in the country, with no distractions,” I said, affecting a deep Southern drawl. We laughed.

  “Anyway, I have to come back early for dress rehearsals. When are you coming back to town?” Astoria said. We stopped in the parking lot by her car.

  “I can come back early and meet you. Let me know when you get back. Oh, yeah. How is your play going?”

  Astoria shrugged. “Okay. I mean, the leads can sing.”

  “Why didn’t you audition for anything?” I asked. Astoria was part of the stage crew and she was helping out with costumes.

  “A musical?” Astoria snorted.

  “What? You can sing.”

  “In a church choir surrounded by people.”

  “Maybe next year,” I said as they three of us got into Astoria’s car.

  “Maybe. I’m trying to convince them to pick something that’s not a musical for the fall. I dunno, though. Our self-proclaimed de facto leader loves those things.”

  “Okay.” I grinned, strapping on my seatbelt. Things were much better. I had my friends, my life, and everything else that mattered back. I was finding my way back to the old me and wondering why I’d ever thought deviating from that was a good idea.

  * * *

  I plotted my way through O’Hare, weaving my way through streams of impatient bodies, each rushing off in a different direction. My plane from Richmond had arrived an hour late and, in theory, my next plane would leave Chicago in a half hour. I wondered why they were all hurrying—O’Hare having a plane on time is almost newsworthy—but I was doing it, too. I guess airports just give you that feeling. Like you should rush.

  I was on my way to a trial team competition in New York, and the flight the law school booked for me had me connecting through Chicago. My teammates were already in New York. I’d had to catch a later flight because of another obligation. I’d had to see the speaker I’d booked for a lecture the day before off to his train. I’d organized a lecture series for the International Law Society. I’d basically put together the whole lecture series, and so it was a duty I had no desire to delegate to make sure our speakers got to the law school and on their way home smoothly.

  I was driven. On a mission. My head was full of points I wanted to make in my opening statement. I even tuned out the neon lights in the ceiling of the tunnel I had to pass through to get between concourses A and B of the United terminal. I tuned out the new age space music as well. No time for e
rrant thoughts or even for the outside world. My life was all about focus and moving forward.

  My phone vibrated in my bag. I answered it without looking at the caller ID. It didn’t matter who it was because I planned to get rid of the caller in as few words as possible regardless. I was already in a sour mood. My eyes hurt, I couldn’t find my eye drops, and I hadn’t eaten in hours since nobody wants to feed you on a plane anymore and I had accidentally packed my wallet in my big suitcase, which was hopefully on its way to Flight 494.

  “Hello,” I said, maneuvering around a mother and her large stroller.

  “Denise.” The voice that came through my phone was flat and obnoxious.

  “Lindie. What do you want?” I said. I hadn’t had much to say to her since the honor council mess.

  “Just because your note is being published doesn’t mean you don’t answer to me anymore. I’m still in charge for now. I asked to meet with you before you left for the airport.” Her voice became even tighter. I think it almost killed her that my note was chosen for publication even after all that had happened.

  “I couldn’t risk missing my plane.”

  “The school is not that far from the airport, Denise. You wouldn’t have missed anything.”

  “Look, Lindie, I don’t have time for this right now. I have to catch my connecting flight, and my plane from Richmond was late. I haven’t been able to get any information about my flight to New York yet. And this is a pointless conversation anyway. Whatever it is can wait until I get back.”

  “There’s no need to attack me, Denise. I just wanted to let you know that you’ve been selected as next year’s editor-in-chief for law review.”

  I stopped by the escalator leading up to the concourse and stumbled backward a bit. “What? Really?” “Congratulations.” Her voice was stiff.

  “Thank you,” I murmured, a grin spreading slowly over my face. Warmth chased by chills raced over my body. We said our goodbyes and I slipped my phone back into my purse. I couldn’t stop smiling until I got to the gate my flight was supposed to leave out of. I knew there was a problem when I saw that there was not one available chair at my gate, or any of those nearby. People lounged on the floor. Bored-looking teenagers sat in the aisles and toyed with laptops, cellphones, and MP3 players. I looked up at the nearest flight board just then and my heart sank. My flight was canceled.