Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  “What?” I dropped my carry-on to the floor and glared at the flight board.

  Someone tapped my shoulder and I jumped. I turned to see Donnovan smiling at me.

  I smiled back. It was catching. “Shouldn’t you already be in New York?” He was on my competition team, and the only other person connecting through Chicago. The other three members of our team had all gotten a flight together with a different connection.

  He sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. About that. Neither one of us are going anywhere tonight, Denise. They’ve grounded some of the planes and cancelled the rest of the night’s flights. Something about safety checks.”

  I’d rushed to the gate for nothing. I tapped a finger against the boarding pass I’d printed out from the self check-in machine and scrunched my lips up in disappointment.

  “I have some good news,” Donnovan said. He leaned in closer to me with a conspiratorial grin.

  “Oh, yeah?”

  He held up two small pieces of paper. “I managed to wrangle two hotel vouchers.”

  “Oh, yeah? How’d you do that?”

  “A little bit of flirting. I little bit of lying.”

  We laughed. I kept smiling afterward. Donnovan had broad lips that looked soft to the touch. His dark brown hair was cut close and he had round, dark brown eyes to match. There was a shadow of a beard across his long jaw line. He was about my height and a few shades darker than me.

  I realized he was asking me something and I had to ask him to repeat it, the blood rushing into my face.

  He chuckled. “I asked if you wanted to go over to the hotel and grab a drink at the bar there before bed.”

  “Um, sure,” I said. I smoothed a few stray hairs back down, attempting to tidy my ponytail. I wished for the second time that day that I’d taken time to iron my gray pants and burgundy blouse that morning, but at least I wasn’t wearing the sweats I’d contemplated changing into for the duration of the trip.

  We took the shuttle to the airport Sheraton and sat at the bar. We called our coach and teammates on the way to the hotel to let them know what was going on. I was glad I always packed a change of clothes in my carry-on in case my luggage was lost. And that I wasn’t stranded alone at the airport, curled up in some corner at the gate. The night could have been worse. And I could have had worse company.

  Once we were seated at the bar and had ordered our drinks, we started chatting about the competition and about school. We were both on law review and he congratulated me when I told him about editor-in-chief.

  To break a lull in the conversation, Donnovan said, “I heard about what happened between you and John.”

  I forced the start of a grimace to finish in a smile. I didn’t even like hearing that name. “It’s okay.”

  “That wasn’t cool at all what he did. He really lost out, and you can do better.”

  I nodded away his concern and flashed another forced smile. “So, speaking of relationships, how’s Sandy?” Sandy was his girlfriend. She was in grad school at a college in North Dakota.

  He turned back to his rum and Coke and twisted the stirrer between his fingers. “We broke up a little while ago.”

  “Wow. It must be in the water or something,” I said with a nervous laugh.

  “Well, here’s to us doing better and showing them, right?” Donnovan said with a wink, raising his glass.

  “Right.” I clinked my glass to his. Taking a long sip of my chardonnay, I let my mind wander for a moment, wondering if Donnovan and I would work and if I should initiate giving it a try.

  Chalking it up to rebound fantasies, I pushed the thought aside.

  * * *

  We won the competition, and Donnovan and I joked that we carried it for the team thanks to the adrenaline surge we were given by making it to the conference center just hours before the competition began. After that trip, Donnovan and I spent a lot of time together. He even came to my last roller derby game of the season. When I was around him, my heart felt a little lighter. Every time Astoria tried to label it, I gave her a look that shut her up. And shutting Astoria up isn’t easy to do.

  Life was almost back to normal. I was doing pretty okay until one Saturday night in early April when I was rudely awakened by my cellphone’s ring. There’s always something.

  “What?” I mumbled, barely holding the phone up to my ear.

  “Denise,” a voice I hadn’t expected said.

  “Thom?” I said, shocked completely out of my sleep, wondering why John’s brother was calling me. Why, why, why, when I’d been doing such a good job of pulling myself back together?

  “John doesn’t know I’m doing this. And he would kill me if he knew, but this is for his own good,” Thom said in lieu of a greeting.

  “Huh?” I was still trying to figure out why I was talking to Thom.

  “He won’t listen to a word I say, and someone’s got to stop him from flying down this path of destruction he’s on. My brother is an ass. He’s a confused ass. I know he asked her to marry him, but that doesn’t make any sense. He’s still in love with you.”

  “Yeah. Your brother’s good at that. Not making any sense,” I said, rubbing my eyes and fumbling for my alarm clock, wondering what in the world time it was.

  “But he told me he still loves you.”

  “Yeah. He tells me all the time. Still marrying that bitch.”

  “But he told me the night before he asked her to marry him. He just didn’t tell me his plans at the time. He told me he loves you more than he could ever love Sasha.”

  I dropped my alarm clock.

  “I can’t take any more of this, Thom. The disappointment. The anger. The hurt. It’s over. I’ve moved on. And that’s the way it has to be. Let him marry her. I don’t care.”

  “Yes, you do. It hurts you as much as it hurts everyone else involved.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to be hurting John or Sasha very much,” I said. “And I’m sure it’s not hurting your parents, either.”

  “John is hurting more than you think. He’s gotten very good at covering up pain, disappointment, and anger over the years. Just trust me. There’s a lot you don’t know about growing up in this house. There’s a lot money can’t buy. What he said at dinner that day you were here—that doesn’t even begin to cover it all,” Thom said.

  I remained quiet. I didn’t like it him pointing out John might have a side in all this.

  “Denise?”

  “What do you expect me to do? Huh? They’re getting married. That’s perfectly clear. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. So what does it matter? Even if he cares about me, which I doubt he does.”

  “I don’t think you believe that any more than I do,” Thom said. His voice was quiet, yet firm. “John was never so happy about being with anyone before. I know there were problems. Massive ones. But you should have heard how he talked about you to me. I know it’s out of line for me to call you, and I wouldn’t if I didn’t think it was really important and I didn’t know what I know. I just didn’t know what else to do. If only you knew what he was going to—if only you knew. I don’t think it’s too late. And I think you’d be making a huge mistake to just let go. And not try.”

  “He’s not trying.”

  “I love my brother, but he doesn’t always do what’s best for him. I was hoping you’d see things more clearly than him. For both of your sakes.”

  “Well, us being apart is really what’s best for both of us.”

  “So letting everybody else tell the two of you what’s best for you is what’s best? Really?”

  “Thom, you don’t know what it’s been like.”

  “I know I’ve seen John go through changes over the past few months. And even at his most miserable with you? He was happier than he is now. I mean, like I said, he’s good at putting up fronts. But I know him. I know John well. And he’s really dying inside. And I’d be pretty willing to bet you are, too,” Thom said. “Even for that short time I saw
you two together, I could tell that you two were for real. That you really had something that’s still worth saving.”

  I said nothing. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to respond to that without breaking down. John was probably off somewhere with Sasha at the very moment I was talking to Thom. I wished he was dying inside, but he couldn’t have been. I refused to believe it.

  “Denise? All I know is Sasha being in my brother’s life is no good for anybody. And don’t even bring up my parents. But you? You in his life? I think you could change everything for the better. You were already working on that before everything went wrong. And you were doing a great job.”

  “Thom, I can’t talk about this, okay? Stop—just stop. Okay?”

  “I just want you to think about it, okay? For both of your sakes.”

  “You don’t know, Thom. You just don’t know.” “Neither do you, Denise.”

  “Bye, Thom.”

  “Please, Denise. Just please—”

  “Bye, Thom.”

  “Think about it. Bye, Denise,” Thom said.

  I switched the phone off and let it fall out of my hands. I took deep, gasping breaths as I fended off the body-quaking sobs I felt rising in my chest.

  Almost involuntarily, I called Astoria and told her to get over to my place at two in the morning. She came, no doubt cussing me the whole way. I told her all about my conversation with Thom. She sat on my bed, cross-legged, listening to the whole thing, nodding and not interrupting. For one, brief moment, I thought she was going to be a good listener and just commiserate with me.

  Then she opened her mouth. “Well, that just goes to show you. You should have never gotten involved with this fool. Now his brother is trying to draw you back in. I hope you’re not thinking about it,” Astoria said obtusely as soon as I was done telling the story.

  “You know, Astoria, it would be nice if you could just be on my side sometimes,” I sighed.

  “You kiddin’, right? I’m always on your side. That’s why I’m trying to get you to see the light, as always.” “Sometimes I just need an ear, and not a mouthful.” “If you ask me, you should just go ahead and ask Donnovan out. If you had sense, you would do that.” “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask you, then, huh?”

  “Well, well, well . . . I—”

  “Well, well, you what? Huh?”

  “You asked me over here and you have the nerve—” “No. You have the nerve. A good friend knows when to shut up and just be there for her friend.”

  “No, Denise. I’ll tell you what a good friend does. A good friend gets her ass up at two in the morning and comes to her crazy friend’s house because her crazy friend is doing something crazy again. A good friend tries to help her crazy friend see what’s best for her. A good friend doesn’t let her crazy friend make the same old mistakes over and over!” Astoria shouted back.

  “What mistakes? I haven’t gone near him since—”

  “Since when, huh? Since Barrister’s? Since when, exactly? I know you weren’t going to say since you two broke up. You can’t leave that boy alone, Denise!”

  “That’s not true. I haven’t even talked about him in weeks.”

  “You almost hooked up with his roommate just to get back at him.”

  “That’s not how it happened at all!”

  “Denise, I am not having this fight again,” Astoria said, jumping up. And she was gone before I could say another word.

  The day after my “heart to heart” with Astoria, I went to Apryl’s and sprawled out on the couch. The best thing about my cousin is she always seems to understand me without words. She just let me lay there, watching her premium cable with glazed-over eyes. Astoria and I only had basic cable, and we often came to Apryl’s to watch our favorite shows on HBO, Showtime and the rest of those channels.

  But that day I couldn’t concentrate on the television, and I should have been studying for finals anyway. But all I wanted to do was lie on Apryl’s couch, being mostly left alone. I was only interrupted from doing that when Taye pounced on me occasionally and told me some inane fact or asked me a slew of questions. Once I acted enlightened by his fact or answered his stream of questions, he was off again, leaving me wishing I was that easy to make content.

  When Astoria walked in, I barely looked up at her.

  She sat on the arm of the couch nearest my feet. “I thought you’d probably be here. I called Apryl and she told me you were.”

  I shifted to a more comfortable position, but remained on my side, watching the television.

  “Suse is here, too. She’s out in the car, talking to Charles. She’ll be in here in a minute.”

  “I thought she was going to see him this weekend,” I said, sitting up on the couch.

  Astoria slid over next to me. “That’s what they’re screaming about on the phone right now. I told her about last night and she said there was no way she was abandoning you.”

  I snorted. “Abandoning me? What did you tell her? That I was drowning?”

  “Would I be wrong to tell her that? Seems pretty true to me.” She looked down at her hands and then back up at me. “Denise, why do you let him affect you like this?”

  “What do you want me to say? You’ve already heard me say it all.”

  “I can’t believe it after all of this. Crazy Sasha following you around. The way he’s treated you. And nice, good-looking Donnovan always hanging around, wanting to spend time with you? After all this, you would still be caught up and over that wh—”

  “Don’t you start. I’ll leave right now,” I cut her off. Astoria and I sat there, glowering at each other.

  “I don’t even understand why you put yourself in this position. Why do you let that idiot affect you like this?”

  “You act like you don’t know me. Like you don’t know I don’t always make the smart decisions.”

  “One thing I do know is that you need to start taking responsibility for the things that happen in your life.”

  “Don’t worry about the things that happen in my life. No one’s asking you to pick up after me. I’m not your child, your project, or anything else.”

  It got quiet again.

  “I’m just trying to look out for you,” Astoria finally said. “Friends do that for each other.”

  “I know. But you have to stop. We are never going to see eye-to-eye on this. And I really don’t want us to lose our friendship over this, but I can feel it slipping away if you keep this up,” I said.

  Astoria stared down at her hands.

  “Astoria, think about it. Every time we have this conversation, it ends up exactly like this. You can’t save me from everything. I appreciate you trying. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend. But all you’re doing is making me resent you. And I don’t want to resent you. I love you, Astoria. But I need to get through this on my own. In my own way. I need you to understand and respect that,” I said.

  Astoria continued staring down, not saying a word. “I just—I wanted to save you from some of the pain I went through.” When she did look up, her eyes were full of sadness.

  I moved closer and put my arm around her.

  “I know. But that’s not what I need right now. I need you to step back. I just need to work through this,” I said.

  “I’ll back down. Our friendship means more to me than proving that I’m right. Even though I know I am.”

  I laughed. That was the best I was going to get, and I knew it. “Good.” I hugged her. However, I had the feeling that she was already formulating a new plan of attack as we sat there.

  Chapter 20

  SOFTBALL BATTLE

  The last day of the law school’s annual softball tournament was a turning point. One of those “that’s it” moments. Everybody had been drinking beer and playing all day. We were pretty drunk by the time we ended up at some guy’s house afterward. And of course, John and his team ended up at the same party Astoria, Suse, and I did. Of course this meant Tyler and Shawn were there. Thankf
ully, Sasha wasn’t in town that weekend. Apparently, she’d had to go to the Hamptons with her family for some social engagement. John had refused to miss the tournament. Sasha wasn’t happy about it, but she’d been unable to get out of the Hamptons thing, and so they had to spend their first weekend apart since Barrister’s. I overheard some people talking about it, shocked that she’d torn herself away from John for a weekend.

  Suse and Astoria wanted me to leave as soon as we gotthere and realized John was there as well. I refused to leave. I baby-sat the keg and flirted with Donnovan, who’d been with us all day. He was on our softball team.

  Once they realized I wasn’t going to leave, Suse tried to make the best of it at first, breaking out into choruses of the school fight school with Donnovan and I occasion ally. She and I would then burst into giggles. Astoria split her time between “checking on me” (translation: making sure I was nowhere near John) and flirting with this guy she’d met at the game. He was a grad student from another program, but he was friends with a lot of the law school guys at the party.

  Suse clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Denise, you were so funny. I’ve never seen anyone run from the ball before.”

  I laughed. I had struck out, but I’d done it with flair. “Hey, that’s why I like roller derby. No ball involved.”

  “Denise, you are too much,” Donnovan said with a chuckle, putting his arm around my waist.

  I put mine around him and caught his eye, realizing my flirting had gone too far. He leaned in close and his lips almost brushed mine. I turned my head at the last minute and reached down to pour myself another cup of beer. Things got strange between us after that, and we drifted off in opposite directions. I didn’t see him for the rest of the time I was at the party.

  Later that evening, a lot of people headed downtown for the bars. Most of the people left had migrated to the living room. Astoria and Suse wanted to go. Astoria was bored. Her crush had moved on with the downtown crowd, and she wanted to follow him to the Bottom. And neither of them liked me and John being in the same room. Astoria hadn’t said anything about John since our little talk at Apryl’s, but I could constantly see it in her face that it took effort for her not to mention him. She still wanted to play protector.