Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  “Why can’t we just go?” Astoria sighed yet again. I felt as if she was asking that every single minute.

  “You can. I’m not ready.” I answered with the same reply I’d given her countless times, my eyes trained on John and some of his cronies across the room, a faint sneer on my lips.

  “Is it really fun for you to sit in this little corner and stare at him? Is that just making your night?” Suse snapped. I was surprised by her sudden change in tone and attitude, but I kept my eyes focused forward. I said nothing. She sighed, throwing her hands up in frustration. “You guys can find a ride home if I leave?”

  “Yeah. Sure,” Astoria said.

  “Bye,” Suse said, grabbing her purse. Astoria said bye to her. I gave a half wave in her direction, my eyes still focused forward. I think maybe I was trying to burn a hole into John with my eyes. Suse walked off with a little cry of frustration.

  “Hey. You never called me.” I finally looked away from John, startled by the sound of Tyler’s voice.

  “Tyler. Hi,” I said, leaning back against the wall. John finally looked in my direction. I saw him over Tyler’s shoulder. Was his jaw clenched? Or was it just a combination of alcohol and wishful thinking that made me see that?

  “So. I’ve been thinkin’ about ya,” Tyler said as he set his beer down on a nearby table.

  “Really?” I let Tyler put his arms around me and draw me closer.

  Astoria uttered a cry of disgust and walked off. John took a few steps in our direction.

  “Oh, yeah,” Tyler said, lowering his lips to mine. I barely felt the tip of Tyler’s tongue on my lips before he was pulled away from me so abruptly that I almost fell forward.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” John roared, pushing Tyler backward.

  “Just gettin’ a taste, man. What do you care?” Tyler laughed.

  John roared another string of choice words before punching Tyler in the face.

  “What the hell’s wrong with you, John?”

  “No! What’s wrong with you? You don’t touch her!” John shouted. A couple of guys grabbed him. Shawn pushed Tyler backward, away from John.

  “Man. You have lost your mind. What do you care about her? What anybody does with her? You had your jungle fever moment. Let somebody else take a turn.”

  “Let me go. I’ll fuck him up!” John bellowed, trying to pull away from the guys holding him back.

  “Oh, so you ain’t done with her? I don’t think Sasha would like you still mixin’ it up like that,” Tyler said, laughing even harder.

  “C’mon, man. Let’s just go,” Shawn urged, still pushing Tyler toward the patio door.

  “Fuck Sasha! You, too!” John shouted, still trying to pull free.

  “Bye, Johnny boy. I’ll see you at home. You looking for Denise later, why don’t you check my room first?” Tyler was still laughing as Shawn pushed him out of the door. John finally pushed the other guys away from him.

  And before I could say or do anything, John was gone out of the front door. I wanted so badly to run after him. But I knew that would be the completely wrong thing to do.

  So I just sank to the floor, holding my head, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that John had just stood up for me.

  For a moment, I had wanted to hook up with Tyler. Just to get some reaction out of John. Honestly, because I hoped it would hurt him. But after the scene that had just played out before me, all I felt was sick.

  Later that night, I still hadn’t learned my lesson. That included the fact that I still hadn’t stopped drinking. I was so out of it, I didn’t know how I’d gotten downtown, what had happened to the people I’d come there with, and whether or not Astoria had been among those people. I forgot Suse hadn’t even come with us. I kept asking people where she and Astoria were. I was giving new meaning to getting my freak on out on the dance floor. Somehow, my softball shirt had gotten ripped off at the bottom so that it covered little more than my bra.

  I was watching two guys approach me when I caught sight of him. If he was in a room, I was going to know it. No matter how drunk I was, how dark it was, no matter what.

  Of all the people I expected to see in the Bottom that night, John wasn’t one of them. I had never seen or heard of John going to a club before. But he made it downtown that night, too. And we ended up in the same place again. I didn’t recognize the people he was with, but all of them were wild and at least as drunk as I was.

  I absently pushed away the two men who had been trying to make a sandwich out of me. One of them had been waiting for me to act out the song blaring out of the speakers. He was more than a little disappointed when he lost my attention. He kept insisting I was going to dance with him. When I pushed him away again, he tried to pull me against him by grabbing my hips from behind.

  “No,” I snapped, pulling away from him and then pushing him away.

  “Man, you a’ight. Can’t dance anyway,” he said, sneering at me. He then walked off.

  I rolled my eyes, and made my way over to the bar. After what I had seen, it was time for another shot. Especially if I was going to be in the same place with John.

  “Grey Goose. Tab’s under Rich,” I slurred to the bartender. She nodded. It wasn’t like she needed my name. All the bartenders had to know me by that point. My tab was going to put somebody’s child through college. Even if it caused my tuition check to bounce. That was probably why I wasn’t getting cut off.

  “So, you want my roommate now? Donnovan not enough?” I jumped at the sound of John’s voice in my ear. So many emotions flooded through me at once. I hadn’t been that close to him since the night of indiscretion after Barrister’s. And he hadn’t murmured in my ear like that since—whoa. That was a dangerous memory to have. I immediately tensed up just thinking about the possibility of thinking about it.

  “Donnovan and I are friends, your roommate wants me, not the other way around, and what does any of it matter to you?” I slammed down my shot before turning to him. Big mistake. Just seeing him did something to me. Especially looking into those eyes . . .

  “Yeah I do. And you want me, too,” he said.

  I glared at him. I was determined that there wouldn’t be a repeat of Barrister’s.

  I tried to ignore my thoughts. Because none of them involved anything I should be doing. I tried hard to concentrate on how hurt and angry I was. But with him so close, that was more than difficult.

  “Yeah, whatever,” was all I trusted myself to say. I tried to push past him, even though all I wanted was to stay where I was. I was annoyed with myself for almost feeling relieved when he pushed me back and blocked me from leaving the bar. I couldn’t trust myself to look at him. It was going to be way too easy for him if I did.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me?” he whispered, letting his hand slip down to the small of my back.

  “Yeah. No. I don’t,” I said breathily. We both knew that was a bold faced lie.

  He pulled me closer. “Really?” he murmured, his lips brushing my ears.

  “Really,” I moaned, my eyes rolling back in my head with pleasure as he kissed the top of my ear.

  “I don’t believe you,” he said, kissing the corner of my mouth.

  “You better stop before somebody sees us,” I said while slipping my hands up the back of his shirt.

  “Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen. And like you want it to,” he said. My body was now so tightly pressed against his that I could feel every breath he took.

  “I hate you,” I murmured.

  “You love me and you want me.”

  “That’s why I hate you,” I said, eyes closed, as he trailed kisses down my throat. It was crazy. Everybody could see. And I didn’t care. All I wanted was for John to touch me. And for me to taste him—his warm, salty skin—beneath my tongue as I licked the corner of his mouth between kisses. I was in my own, little world with him at that moment.

  And suddenly I was rudely brought back to reality by the raking of perfectly manicured na
ils down my back. Screeching in my ears. A slap across my face. Flying hair and screams. And the next thing I knew, I had two fists full of blonde hair. And I was screaming, mad as hell that this shit always happened to me.

  One of Sasha’s spies had attacked me. My old friend, Cindy. She was Sasha’s second in command. I think I would have tried my best to kill that girl, had I been given the chance. I don’t think I ever stopped screaming as I did the best to beat the plastic surgery off her face.

  I had never been more full of rage in my life. It scared me a little, but I also felt more free than I had in a long time. I barely noticed her feeble attempts to push me off. All I knew was that I wanted to give her all the pain and hurt I had inside. I felt that if I could beat it all into her, I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. After all, it was all her fault that I was in that pain anyway. At least the way I saw it.

  I don’t know who finally pulled me off of her. I have no idea who dragged me outside of the club. All I could think was that I didn’t see John anywhere and that I hoped I had killed that whore. Somebody was screaming at me how stupid I was and that I had better hope she didn’t press charges. Asking me how I would explain that to the Bar. I vaguely remember telling that person I didn’t care what the skank did.

  I gotta get outta here. Out of this club. Away from this school. Outta this town, was the next predominate thought in my mind. And suddenly, I knew I was going to be sick. It had nothing to do with the alcohol. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Least of all, what I had been about to do. I needed to get John out of my head. For good.

  He was ruining everything without even really being in my life. Well, I reminded myself, he was always in my life whether he was physically around me or not. I didn’t know how much longer I could stand my life the way it was.

  * * *

  There was a trial team party on the last day of classes. Suse and I went together. Donnovan was there, too, but we avoided each other for most of the night. I didn’t know what to say to him, knowing he’d heard about my latest John run-in at the club. Suse and I spent most of the night talking to Melissa, another trial team member and my friend Lindie stole editor-in-chief from, and our friend Inez, who was also on the team.

  While everyone else talked about their summer plans, I let my eyes wander around the room. Our coach had reserved a dining room in a Cuban restaurant for us. It was a nice place. Lots of red and yellow and well-polished wood. The music was festive and some people were dancing. I felt like an impostor in the cheery room. Especially when it came my turn to talk about my upcoming summer.

  Inez combed an olive-toned hand through her dark hair and looked at me with large, dark eyes. “So, Denise. Dettweiler, huh? That’s not an easy one to pull off.”

  I forced a smile. “Yeah, well, it’s a job.”

  Suse put a hand on my back and shook her head. “Don’t you be modest about this.” She then turned to the rest of the group and gushed over my summer associate position at the big, fancy firm with the other girls.

  I didn’t really care about it one way or the other anymore. I didn’t feel the same passion for law school as I once had. The more the semester dragged on, ever since the law review debacle, the more I began to wonder what the point of it all was. From school to the golden handcuffs—chained to a high-paying job I was certain I’d have no passion for—to what? What was the point?

  I came back to the conversation, curious as to why everyone had stopped talking. Until I saw that Donnovan was walking our way. Suse exchanged glances with Inez and Melissa.

  One side of Donnovan’s mouth moved up in a tenta tive half smile. “Denise? Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure.” I turned to tell Suse and the others I’d be right back, but they practically shooed me off before I could. Donnovan and I walked out to the patio that was behind the dining room we were in to escape our nosy classmates.

  He took a deep breath and laughed nervously. “Why is it so hard to talk to you all of a sudden?”

  I laughed back, hoping it would help break the tension. “Yeah, it shouldn’t feel this strange.”

  “Denise, about you and John . . .”

  “John and I are through.”

  He nodded and licked his lips. “So I hear. I just wanted to let you know that whatever happened between you two after the softball game—that’s your business and his. Certainly not mine. I mean, we’ve always been just friends, right?”

  “Right.” My knees went weak with relief at hearing him say that. If only I could have been with someone sane like him. But I knew it wouldn’t work. My heart couldn’t be in it. I still needed time to heal. The softball nightmare proved that.

  “I mean, it’s probably obvious I think you’re attractive and I wouldn’t mind giving it a shot under different circumstances. But the heart wants what it wants. I get that.”

  “Yeah, I wish my heart had as much sense as you do,” I said. We both laughed too loud, trying to compensate for the things we both avoided mentioning.

  “Good. Now I don’t have to avoid your eyes and feel stupid all the time,” he said.

  “Yeah, that is good.” I smiled.

  He hugged me and said, “So, good luck with all that’s going on—well, good luck.”

  “Thanks, Donnovan.” I pulled back from him, plans already formulating in my mind to set him up with Astoria. No point in letting a good man go to waste.

  Not long after Donnovan and I went back inside, the party started breaking up. People floated off to start studying for finals, to get some sleep before diving into books and note outlines, or to enjoy one last night of freedom. Inez, Suse, and Melissa left, but I stayed to help clean up. I made them go ahead despite their reluctance to leave me. I wanted some time to myself, and I was looking forward to my walk home after helping our coach collect the decorations and other things she’d brought in from home.

  The coach and I were the last ones of our party to leave. We said goodbye to each other and turned in opposite directions to head home outside of the restaurant. That’s when I bumped against a man in a tan jacket.

  “Excuse me,” I said, moving to go around the man.

  He didn’t move. “Denise?”

  I looked up and saw that it was Ral I’d run into. “Hi, Ral. How are you?” I hadn’t seen much of him since the breakup.

  “I’m good, Denise. How are you?” The way he asked the question connoted that he actually cared about the answer.

  “Great. We’re almost third years,” I said, my fake smile still in place.

  He saw right through me. “I’m sorry he’s such a jerk. If it makes you feel any better, he’s lying to everyone. Including himself.”

  My smile fell. “It doesn’t.”

  “I didn’t think it would. But it was worth a try,” Ral said, patting my shoulder. “I just feel so bad about everything that happened.”

  “Don’t, Ral. Because I’m going to be okay. I’m moving on, life goes on, insert your favorite cliché here . . .” I said.

  He laughed. “You really are a great person. And he might be my friend, but he’s also a real idiot.”

  “When you’re right, you’re right.”

  “I think it’s so stupid that we can’t hang out anymore because the two of you broke up. Who made that stupid rule up, anyway?”

  “Who says we can’t?”

  “Call me sometime, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said, although I had no intention of doing it. Ral was fun to be around, but too close to the source for that. I’d just see John the whole time.

  “Well, I’d better get going. I’m meeting someone for drinks.”

  “Someone?” I gestured with my hands, wanting him to elaborate.

  Ral grinned, shaking his head. “You wouldn’t know her. She goes to University of Richmond.”

  “Okay, Ral, have fun.”

  “See you around.”

  “See you,” I said. He continued down the street and I turned and headed in the direction o
f my apartment complex.

  I dragged my feet down the sidewalk, trying to block out the phantom thoughts that were always hov ering too close to the surface. Talking to Ral had triggered them again. Between Thom’s words and John practically jumping on me at the club, I was having a lot of trouble thinking straight. I was glad finals were starting soon. I wouldn’t have much time to think such dangerous thoughts.

  Chapter 21

  FINALITY AND FINALS

  My flight was boarding. Finally. I needed to get the hell out. I had decided to abandon everything. I called Dettweiler, the law firm that I was supposed to work for that summer, and told them I wasn’t coming. I wrote my mother a letter because I was too weak to face her and tell her the truth. I wrote Suse and Astoria emails for the same reason. My lease with Tia was up. I was running away. I didn’t want any of it anymore. Law school seemed so unimportant. Everything in my life seemed badly constructed and wrong.

  John had mended my heart, shattered it, and then shattered it even more. Every time I thought about him was another stab to my heart. The more I tried not to think about every time he’d made me laugh, held me, touched me, told me he loved me . . . the more those thoughts filled me up so that I could see, hear, think nothing else. The more I remembered our brief—very brief—time together. We started dating a little before Thanksgiving. It ended a little before Valentines Day. It didn’t seem right. We’d deserved more time together. Every memory hurt. And then there were Thom’s words still scorching my head and heart.

  I fought my way through finals even though my heart wasn’t in law school anymore. My heart wasn’t in anything anymore. My life just felt kind of stale.