Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  I’d given it my best shot, but finally realized there was no salvaging my old life. It was a complete mystery how I’d gotten through finals, but I was done. I resigned from my position as editor-in-chief on the law review board for the upcoming year. What was the point? I wasn’t going back. Not that they knew it yet, but I wasn’t. I was done. I decided that as I turned in my last final. I had thought, what was I doing there? That I didn’t want to be there. And there was no reason for me to stay. I didn’t want law school or anything else in Virginia. I didn’t stop to think about how selfish that might be to my friends and family.

  Time to walk away. Nothing had turned out right. My plan had failed in every way possible. I had to leave my painful, old life behind.

  The night after my last final, while watching a reality show set in Vegas, I started wondering about how great it would be if I could just go to Vegas. Start over. Then I asked myself why not? Why couldn’t I? Couldn’t I at least get a fresh start? Didn’t I deserve that much?

  John, as always, had had perfect timing. And so he picked that night to show up on my doorstep. I don’t know what possessed him to come over that night. I just knew that he had some nerve after everything that had happened. He showed up right as I had been in the midst of my dreams of starting over. He came in without a word and went straight to my room. I followed, making faces at his back the whole way.

  “Come on in,” I said sarcastically as I shut my door. He didn’t say a word. I crossed the room, glaring at him, and sat on my bed.

  John sat next to me with a sigh. He put his head in his hands. His shoulders slumped forward. I continued to stare straight ahead, my arms folded over my chest.

  “I don’t know what else to say. I’ve told you I’m sorry, like, six hundred times,” he said hollowly. Mechanically. As if he was just saying what he thought he ought to say.

  “You’ve said enough. You’ve said way too much,” I said quietly, my heart beating rapidly. I tried not to let myself think about the possibility that he had come over to tell me he wanted to be with me. “I don’t even know why you’re here.”

  “I’m trying to get you to stop hating me. But that seems pretty futile,” John said softly.

  I finally turned to face him, my mouth hanging open in disbelief. “You the one been actin’ hateful. How you gonna say something like that? All you do is come around here, trying to make me feel guilty for just trying to get through life the best way I can. It’s hard right now, you know.”

  “It’s hard for me, too.”

  “Bull.”

  “Whatever. I should have known better than to try to have a real conversation with you. To try and reason with you.”

  “Yeah. Whatever you say. You’re always right. I don’t know shit.”

  “I didn’t say that,” John said with an impatient sigh. He ran his hands over his head and clasped them behind his neck, his head lowering slightly further.

  “Why did I let you in? Why did you even come over? No, why did you ever even kiss me? Why’d you ever even talk to me? If it was just going to lead to this? I wish you and her were just married and out of my life already!”

  “I don’t think you do,” John said quietly. “I also don’t think you have ever tried to see it from my side.”

  “And what’s your side? Huh? What could possibly be so wrong in your perfect little life? Especially since you got rid of me?” I snapped.

  “Like you give a damn. All you want is to hear yourself ranting, Denise. That’s all you’ve ever done since this whole mess started back in January,” he said, still not looking up. Hands still clasped over his neck. I glared at the top of his head, but I was still curious. Especially thinking back to my phone conversation with Thom.

  “C’mon. I’m giving you your chance. You’re always giving me that same, tired line about me not letting you speak. So go on.”

  “What’s the point if you never listen to what I have to say?”

  “Well, you’re the one who came over here. I didn’t ask you to. If you have something to say, say it. I’m listening.” “Yeah right.”

  “I am,” I said in a less harsh tone.

  “It’s funny that you just assume I have everything because my family has money. I mean, you really think money means a person has no problems? Denise, I wish you knew what it was like to be a commodity to your parents instead of a son. And all of those people? I feel more alone around them than when I’m anywhere else. You think I’m a spoiled frat boy, huh? Well, you’re always accusing people of stereotyping you, but you were happy enough to stick that label on me without looking deeper.”

  I said nothing. I could think of nothing to say. I knew I had to hold onto my anger, though. It was all I had left. It was holding me together.

  “Denise, you were one of the few people in my life that I felt more than nothing with. You made me warm inside. I don’t know exactly what it was about you, but I just felt like everything was going to be okay when I was with you. But our love maybe scared me. I dunno. I’d never been in love before. I didn’t know what to do. And I don’t think you knew, either. We were both fumbling in the dark. We were playing a dangerous game. And we had no idea what the rules were.”

  “I never—you can’t speak for me—I . . .” But the right words just wouldn’t come to me. He finally looked up, smiling sadly at me. His liquid green eyes shone with unshed tears. I hadn’t known it was possible for my heart to break even more until that moment. He gently put his hand to my mouth.

  “It’s the way it has to be now. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry we hurt each other. But I’m not sorry I talked to you. I’m not sorry I kissed you. And even though it didn’t work out, I will never be sorry I fell in love with you. And I’m glad, I’m so glad that I love you and I’ll always love you. Because I haven’t felt such a real, raw emotion in maybe . . . ever. And it makes me feel alive. Even now. When almost everything else inside of me is dead.”

  “John, what are you saying? Where is all this coming from?” I mumbled over his hand. I took it away from my lips and placed it over my heart.

  “I know you think I’m full of it. I know you probably hate me for what I’ve done and even more for what I’m saying. But I can’t help it. It’s how I feel,” John said, tears silently falling down his cheeks. I saw red. My teeth clenched. I pushed his hand away from me.

  “Out.” I shrank away as he reached for me. “Denise—”

  “Just get out of here,” I said, my voice rising an octave with every syllable.

  “I was just trying to explain everything to you.” John rose to his feet.

  “Out of here now. With your doubletalk and your lies. I don’t want to hear it anymore. You get out and don’t you ever come back. Let Sasha put up with your nonsense!” I followed him all the way to the front door, screaming at him.

  “Denise, why don’t you understand—”

  “What? That you’re a nut case? I understand that fine!” I slammed the door in his face.

  Time to make a change.

  Immediately after John left, I started looking up flights. The next morning, I packed up a couple of suitcases and took the rest of my stuff to the Salvation Army. I mailed the letters that I had written to my parents and sent the emails I had saved as drafts the night before to Suse and Astoria. Those were the only people who needed to know. But I didn’t want to see any of them.

  As I got on the plane, I started mentally going over my plan again. I would live in a hotel until I could find an apartment. I would look for work in the casinos as soon as I got there. I had looked online briefly after buying my ticket. I decided I wanted to try to find work as a blackjack dealer. I just liked the sound of it. All a part of my new “on a whim” lifestyle. I decided to bluff experience if it was required. I had played blackjack before. How hard could it be? I could probably figure it out. Besides, options were limited. It wasn’t like I could be a showgirl with my lack of coordination.

  I sat in my seat with a sigh and clos
ed my eyes, hoping some loud, obnoxious woman wouldn’t come sit next to me and tell me her life story. Knowing I was going to get somebody as it was a full flight, I hoped it would be someone quiet. And small. Who wouldn’t fight me for the armrest. But when I saw the screaming kid followed by the stressed-out, yelling mom heading for my row, I rolled my eyes, took out my sleep mask, and put my headphones on.

  Why should things start going my way now? I thought with a heavy sigh.

  Chapter 22

  TWENTY-ONE

  That Thursday, I opened my front door as I was buttoning the vest of my dealer’s uniform, expecting room service. I was a blackjack dealer-in-training. I looked up, readying myself to tell the waiter yet another lie about why he would get no tip and stopped in mid-button as I saw Suse and Astoria and two of the fakest smiles I’d ever seen in my life. I didn’t so much as attempt a fake smile of my own.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked flatly. They walked in uninvited, rolling their suitcases along.

  “We could ask the same question of you,” Suse asked as their eyes traveled around my suite. It was pretty nice. Lots of large, expensive furniture, a gigantic flat-screen television, a bar, and all the other usual suite perks. Since Visa was footing the bill for at least a while. But I knew my days were numbered and that I’d soon be heading to some disgusting roach haven.

  “Obviously you got my email,” I sighed, closing the door. I turned to face them, arms crossed over my chest.

  “Yeah, but it didn’t make much sense. I mean, did you really think that we would let you run all the way across the country and—” Astoria started.

  “What Astoria is trying to say—” Suse broke in.

  “I don’t need rescuing,” I cut Suse off. Period. End of story. Except it wasn’t going to be so easy with those two. I should have known better, and was silently cursing myself for sending them emails at all.

  “Well, apparently you do. How else do you explain this?” Astoria muttered.

  Suse threw her a scathing glance. Astoria smirked at her, but said nothing. There was a very distinct change between the two of them, but I was too busy being angry at them to fully pick up on what it was at the time.

  “Look. If my parents aren’t even out here, what makes you two think you can do this?” I snapped.

  “They’re only not here because we told them not to worry and that we’d bring your craz—that we’d bring you back. You really freaked ’em out,” Astoria said.

  I just kept staring at them with iced-over eyes, but inside, I winced at that comment.

  “Well, you wasted your time,” I said.

  “Oh, no, you don’t. You had all us driving all across the country—”

  “You drove? What were you thinking?”

  “I know you didn’t just ask what we were thinking.” Astoria dropped her suitcase and threw her hands up in a gesture connoting disbelief.

  “I want to be left alone. How many times do I have to say that? How many ways do I have to say that?”

  “If that was true, why did you email us?”

  “I didn’t want anybody to worry.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have run off to Vegas like you did. I can’t believe how selfish you are. Whose problems did you solve? Not even yours! Think about it!” Astoria screamed.

  I stood there in stunned silence. There was that word again. Selfish. Was I? Wasn’t I entitled to be? It was my life. Didn’t I get to decide what happened in my own life?

  But how much control did I have over my own life if I was doing crazy things like running off to Vegas? And how much had it helped? I’d cried myself to sleep every night since arriving. And I had a photo of John and myself tucked under my pillow at that very moment. On top of that, I’d never felt more lonely and sad than when I’d stepped off of the plane a few days earlier. And wasn’t I fighting at that very moment not to feel relief that Suse and Astoria were there—to feel anger instead? Hadn’t I been fighting to feel anger for so very long?

  “So this is you two knowing what’s best for me again?” I asked, stubbornly holding onto my self-righteousness.

  “No. This is us trying to be your friends. This is us determined to help. Friends don’t let friends run off to Sin City and—and—please tell me you’re wearing that ridiculous outfit for some reason other than you’re a blackjack dealer,” Suse said.

  I laughed, unbuttoning my vest and tossing it onto the back of the couch.

  “Okay, okay. Let me call in to the casino and tell them I’m not coming tonight. This thing with us is going to take a while, I guess. And yes, I am. A very good one,”

  I said, turning away from them and finally allowing a smile to spread across my face.

  * * *

  Later that night, we were all sitting around with a bottle of wine, laughing. And I was extremely happy they had followed me. I begrudgingly realized I hadn’t been as ready to run away as I’d thought I was.

  “Remember how we used to talk all the time about how we were going to take a trip to Vegas before we graduated?” I asked.

  Astoria and Suse laughed.

  “Oh, yeah. Well, this definitely isn’t how we planned it, huh?” Suse said with a lazy grin.

  “Guess not,” I said, squinting at the wine bottle. “Okay. I’m going to get the other one out of the fridge.”

  “Wow. I think this should be it,” Astoria mumbled, face down on the floor. She had the lowest tolerance of all of us and was just about done in.

  Suse, Astoria, and I discussed a lot that evening. I could tell they were treading lightly, especially Astoria, and I appreciated it. They were really trying. I decided to put forth effort, too. I needed to do better than I was doing. I had never looked at the situation in a light that put me at fault. I tried to make everyone else the villain. To some extent, maybe they were. But I wasn’t completely helpless and hapless. And I definitely needed to accept that maybe running away would accomplish nothing. But for that night, I was working mainly on accepting the idea that it was possible for me to be wrong. Baby steps.

  * * *

  Little did I know at the time that their sneaky asses had gone behind my back and called that fool up. Apparently, John hadn’t been happy at all since our breakup and especially since Barrister’s. And the more wedding plans Sasha and Elizabeth made, the more miserable John became.

  John, by nature a party boy, had really been screwing his life and liver up since Barrister’s. Apparently, he’d been out drinking with Tyler and Shawn every night after finals had ended. Sasha didn’t care because she was wrapped up in visions of white and wedding bells. His parents didn’t care, either. All they knew was that he had “regained his senses.” Nobody was there to watch him spin down, down, down. But Suse and Astoria had noticed. And they put every feeling they had about the situation aside except for their concern for me.

  So once they found me in Vegas, they gave Mr. John Archer a call. They waited until I went to work the next night. They didn’t waste any time.

  “What?” he slurred into the phone.

  Astoria put him on speaker phone. “Listen, drunk ass, it’s Astoria and Suse.”

  “What do you want? You ain’t done enough yet?” John belched loudly into the phone.

  What does she see in this fool? Astoria mouthed to Suse. Suse shrugged.

  “I never did anything to you,” Astoria snapped. “You put ideas in Denise’s head.”

  “I was just trying to warn her about guys like you. And you did just what I said you would, didn’t you?” “Okay, I’m hanging up now.”

  “Wait!” Suse cried, giving Astoria a dirty look and mouthing, This is for Denise. Stop.

  “I’m waiting,” John slurred in a sing-song voice. Astoria rolled her eyes. She sat back on the bed. “We’re with Denise. In Vegas. And we think you should come here,” Suse said with a sigh. There was a long pause on the other end. “John?”

  “What are you doing in Vegas?”

  “We found her here. She’s got a
job as a blackjack dealer, she claims she’s dropping out of law school and she’s never coming back,” Astoria said and mouthed, And it’s all your fault!

  “She doesn’t want me there,” John said.

  Astoria threw herself back on the bed with an exasperated sigh. Suse gave her a disapproving look and leaned in closer to the phone.

  “She’s sick over you, John. And I think you’re sick over her, too,” Suse said.

  “I’m engaged,” John countered quietly.

  “Do you love Sasha?”

  “I’m marrying Sasha. That’s the way it’s gotta be,” John said.

  Astoria stood up, shaking her head and went into the bathroom.

  “And you don’t want Denise anymore? You don’t even want to be her friend? You don’t want to stop her from throwing her life away?” Suse asked gently. “Because at this point, I think you’re the only one who can.”

  “No, I can’t,” John said.

  “John, what is wrong with you?” Suse said. “My best friend can’t get over you, you can’t get over her, and you really want to keep pretending she doesn’t matter to you and marry someone you can’t stand?”

  “You don’t know anything about me and Sasha.”

  “I know you haven’t looked any happier than Denise has since the two of you broke up,” Suse said.

  “Well, she’s impossible. She’s the one who pushed me away.”

  “It wasn’t easy for her—”

  “For her? I was almost disowned!”

  “John, think how she felt. She never thought you’d choose her over your family. She doesn’t trust easily and she has trouble letting people in. Whatever. We all have flaws. But she had all that stuff with the Tau Gammas going on and everything. You could have tried to see it from her side a little more,” Suse said.

  John was quiet again.

  Astoria burst back into the room and stormed over to where her phone lay on the bed. She shouted down at it, “You have no idea what she’s even been through, do you? You know who Joe is?”

  “Who?” John had obviously never heard of Joe.