The Light Between The Shadows

by Tsukiko Spark

  “Let’s see you swear now!” she said. “Call me when you’re ready to be gagged.” She got up and walked over to her computer.

  “Shira… It’s very uncomfortable,” he said after a short moment.

  “Will you open your mouth?”

  “Yes,” he said faintly.

  She went over to him and he opened his mouth. He felt the bitter gag going in. She tightened the strap around the back of his neck. Ben had forgotten how much he loathed that object. Even his body language indicated how much he hated it.

  “You got yourself into this mess,” Shira hissed, and walked away. “Now you’ll wait until I come back from the gym.” She shut the door behind her.

  “Umm! Umm!” Ben uttered, but to no avail. He remained twisted on the floor, the gag in his mouth.

  When Shira returned from the gym, she was in no hurry to tend to him. First she took a shower and ate dinner, and only then did she approach him. She released only his legs from the floor, leaving the cuffs on and his head tight against the ground. Finally, she brought a blanket and covered him.

  “Good night,” she said, and left.

  DAY 12

  In the morning, Shira released Ben from the floor, and she helped him freshen up in the bathroom.

  “Let’s sit down at the table and talk.”

  He guessed it would be a one-way conversation as usual.

  “I don’t understand you, Ben. You’ve come such a long way; why did you ruin everything?”

  He shrugged and turned his head away.

  “You know the gag will have to stay in for at least one day.”

  His head dropped.

  “What did you expect? Tomorrow morning, I will remove it, which means a day and a half without food. I don’t want to hear a word, do you understand?”

  He kept quiet.

  She thought for a moment and then continued. “I was debating with myself whether to bring it up…but I guess now I can speak freely, just as you did last night. I thought about what you said yesterday and what I’ve learned about you lately, and now it’s my turn to answer you.

  “You knew you would be punished no matter what you said. But you could have used that opportunity to further convince me that I should release you or flatter me so as to earn my trust. Yet you chose to say the things you did. It’s unlike you to be emotional; your mind is sharp and so are your thoughts. And I’ve learned that even when you’re furious, you think before you act. Just like the incident with Don, when you left the lobby because you saw that you were losing the battle, and perhaps you thought you won the war. Did you? I think you actually wanted this punishment,” she concluded.

  Ben jerked his head back up and shook it angrily.

  “Yes, yes. And not just this punishment. I have a feeling you’re literally begging for someone to finally stop you. To restrain you.”

  “Umm! Umm!”

  “Now, Ben, watch it! You just added more time till nine in the morning,” Shira warned him. “Think about it. You traveled so far under unpleasant conditions to study aikido when there are plenty of good schools and people who have studied the art for years here; why go that far? You wanted the hardship; you wanted the sensei to put you in your place, and that’s what he did. I also noticed how you rush to do everything your father asks you like a trained dog, because he knows how to keep you on a short leash…and honestly, Ben…I think you like it,” she said with slight sarcasm.

  He kicked the table furiously with both his legs until there was a gap between him and the table. “Umm! Umm!”

  She wasn’t impressed. “Are you saying three days without food is no trouble for you? Eh?”

  “Umm! Umm!” He got up and moved as much as he could, limited by the chain hooked to his collar as well as his leg cuffs.

  “Okay, you’ll get the punishment you asked for, the punishment you so desire!”

  He couldn’t believe she was about to say it, but she did. “Three days with the gag and no food!” Her statement echoed in the studio.

  “Now, I’m going away to relax with friends. When I return, you better have calmed down, or else it will be four days gagged with nothing to eat!” She got up and left. If she could have slammed the heavy door, it would have sounded as loud as thunder.

  Ben remained in place, shocked by what just happened, stunned by the words she had thrown at him and the predictable punishment. He had never been spoken to that way before. He had never been insulted like that. He felt terribly humiliated by the mouth gag and the collar on his neck, which only fueled his mounting anger toward her.

  She only returned in the late afternoon. She took him to his spot and hooked him up to an IV. He remained there the entire day. Aside from helping him relieve himself, she didn’t tend to him, nor did she ask him to keep her company when she ate.

  In the evening, Ben was taken to the bathroom for the usual bathing ritual. While tending to his facial grooming, Shira skipped brushing his teeth. He moved his head and mouth to indicate what he wanted.

  “You want me to brush your teeth?” she asked at the sight of his gestures.

  He nodded. He was angry at her, but he kept his anger inside.

  “You remember what happened last time, don’t you?”

  He nodded again.

  “Then why should I agree?” she asked coldly.

  He continued to move his head and mouth.

  “You also broke my trust in you when I left for the gym, didn’t you?”

  Another nod.

  “Then enough!”

  But hygiene was one of the most important things to him. She knew that too. He continued gesturing with his head. He was literally begging at this point and looked quite miserable.

  “Okay, but this time you must do something in return.” Shira thought briefly. “First, I want you to stand for an hour facing the wall, and then I’ll brush your teeth. Do you agree?”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Ah! It’s hard for you to trust me… Makes sense for someone who breaks trust all the time!”

  Suddenly, he got up from the chair, inched his way with his cuffed legs until he bumped into the wall, and stood facing it. He felt the humiliation but allowed it to absorb in him.

  Shira was pleasantly surprised. She examined him. He was planted in front of the wall without moving. She left the room.

  When she returned an hour later, Ben was still standing in place. She smiled. “Okay. You’ve earned this brushing, and I hope you will further earn my trust.”

  She gently removed the gag from his mouth and brushed his teeth. She was thorough, just the way Ben liked, and he felt at ease.

  “Open your mouth, please,” she whispered to him after she finished. She washed the mouthpiece and put it back in his mouth. Shira didn’t have to rush; he cooperated. She tightened it with the strap behind his neck. He dropped his head. She patted his hair to console him as the fresh smell of cleanliness emanated from him.

  DAY 13

  The following day, around midday, a clatter of pots, pans, and kitchen cabinet doors and the use of the stove woke Ben up from his haunted sleep. The smell of fried onion danced a pompous tango with the aroma of celery cooking in a soup.

  A faint growling emanated from his stomach. But Shira didn’t hear it. She finished cooking and sat down to eat.

  He was hungry. How long had it been since he ate? He could tell by what day it was. Wait, what day was it? He was no longer sure. Yesterday, the day before, or the day before that?

  A humming noise was heard. Shira’s cell phone vibrated.

  “Hi. What’s up?” she answered cheerfully, and hurried out of the studio. The doors were soundproof to outside noise, so Shira’s voice was no longer heard inside the studio.

  Ben remained seated on the mattress, feeling like he was inside a bubble in some world he couldn’t break fr
ee of. Mundane things like food or a phone call were physically close to him, yet intangible. He felt sorry for himself.

  She returned to the studio that night. During his bathing ritual, she agreed to brush his teeth again only after he stood facing the wall for an hour once more.

  DAY 14

  On the third day of his punishment, Ben felt the hunger more intensely throughout his body. He was drained. He tried to find solace in remembering better days he had experienced, but the hunger bouts interrupted his thoughts. Every time he tried to concentrate on who he was before this nightmare began, thoughts about food entered his mind.

  “Ben Brattler throws another dazzling bash.” A headline popped in his mind’s eye. “Yes, it was obvious, Ben Brattler has once again been elected most eligible bachelor.” The entertainment news anchor’s image came up. “All we can do is envy him.”

  George’s face suddenly popped up. Envy, a little envy and jealousy, wanting to be more like him. George! He sent me here. That loser. He was also interested in Shira; he told me that before I left. What else did we talk about in that odd conversation?

  A sharp hunger pain shot through his stomach.

  That vacation we took together once, and that incident he was still mad about!

  The two men had gone on a weeklong corporate vacation about two years earlier. They became good friends during that trip. At that time, George was thrilled to enjoy Ben’s company and embrace some of the wealth surrounding him. He truly thought they were becoming good friends.

  On the last night, they went out to a club and hung out till late. One of the patrons was a pretty, intoxicated tourist wearing a cheap dress who flirted with the random male patrons around her. She recognized Ben from the tabloids and tried to draw his attention with her provocative dance moves.

  “I think I’m in love,” George said while gazing at her.

  “George, there’s no such thing as love. You’re simply affected by alcohol and the hormones in your body,” Ben replied. “Would you like me to prove it to you?”

  “Are you serious?” George asked excitedly.

  “Give me five minutes and I’ll hook you two up.” Ben was dead serious.

  He didn’t waste any time as he approached the tourist. They started chatting, and at some point, George could feel them staring at him from afar.

  Ben remained by the woman’s side a few more minutes, and then returned. “It’s all set,” he announced confidently. “She’ll meet you back in your room in thirty minutes. Enjoy!”

  “Wow, thanks!”

  They toasted another drink and went on having fun. Thirty minutes later, George made his way back to the room all excited. The tourist waited for him at the door.

  They didn’t speak much, nor was there a point to talking after taking in so much alcohol. A few minutes later, they found themselves naked in bed, enjoying clumsy, quick sex.

  He rolled on his back when it was over. “I don’t know you, but I haven’t felt like this before. I love you,” he said passionately.

  “Where’s Ben’s room?” the tourist asked.

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Because I’m supposed to go to him next.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He said that if I wanted to have fun with him, I first had to show his friend a good time.”

  “What! Are you nuts? What were you thinking?” He was stunned.

  “Me?” she said. “What about you? What were you thinking? You think girls just fall in your lap? Fall in love with someone they don’t even know and drop naked at his feet?”

  “I guess… It works that way for Ben…” he muttered bitterly.

  “Yeah, but that’s Ben; women know him, hon!”

  “Don’t call me hon. Get out now!”

  “Wait—where’s Ben’s room?”

  George smiled. “Guess he fooled you too. He’s catching the early flight out of here—he left straight for the airport from the party.” He laughed spitefully.

  The tourist got upset, gathered her clothes, and slammed the door behind her.

  The two men met again at the office after the vacation. George was still upset and hurt. “It wasn’t right what you did to me on the last day.” he shot at him.

  “Wait, was the sex any good?” Ben asked vulgarly.

  “It was great, but…”

  “Ah ah ah,” Ben interrupted him. “I don’t get you. If I remember well, you said something about being in love, right?”

  “Yes, but…” George tried to explain himself.

  “And I told you there’s no such thing as being in love. I proved my point and fixed you up with some good sex at the same time—you should be happy!”

  But George wasn’t pleased. His shock turned into deep anger and pain. He refused to speak to Ben for a few weeks after that.

  Even though Ben thought George blew things out of proportion, their friendship was never the same as before that vacation.

  Now all these images rushed through Ben’s head. He sat on the mattress, his back against the wall and his cuffed legs folded to his stomach. The hunger gnawed, and the gag had long ago numbed his mouth. He tried to rehash his relationship with George again and again. Were they merely work colleagues, or was there something else beneath the surface? Maybe George was still resentful of him? He knew Ben was going to Shira’s before his trip; perhaps that was the right time for him to put her into action? What was his connection to her?

  These questions were left hanging as the painful feeling of hunger kept eating away at him.

  In the evening, in the bathroom, he found it hard to stand for too long.

  “You can kneel,” Shira suggested.

  Ben knelt down and leaned his head against the wall. He didn’t care about his own existence anymore. After an hour, she brushed his teeth and led him back to his mattress.

  That night, he had a dream. He was walking down a long, dark hallway on his office floor. The computer screens flickered, showing him the way. His hands, legs, and mouth were free, and he wore nothing but his aikido pants. George came out of one of the offices.

  “Have you seen my assistant?” Ben asked.

  George gestured with his hand toward the end of the hallway. There, he noticed a faint light emanating from one of the offices. He slowly advanced toward it. It was the human resources office. He stood at the entrance and peeked inside. The manager responsible for employing the personal assistants sat in a large, black executive chair. The backrest was huge and it was to the entrance, so the manager couldn’t be seen. However, Ben knew he was there.

  “Oh, good, I wanted to talk to you,” he said to the chair. “I’d like to complain about my personal assistant… There’s been a mistake and I want to replace her.”

  The chair slowly swiveled around and revealed Ben himself sitting in it with Panda on his lap. The sitting Ben patted the animal and smiled venomously. “There was no mistake; I ordered her especially for you,” he said, and laughed wickedly.

  Ben woke up feeling haunted.

  DAY 15

  On the morning of the fourth day of his punishment, Shira woke him up early.

  “Good morning. We’re back to our daily routine. Come, I’ll remove the gag and cuffs.”

  He breathed heavily, weak and exhausted, having not eaten for three days.

  She did as she said and then gently caressed Ben’s cheek. “Let’s freshen up and do a short meditation, and then I’ll fix you a healthy breakfast.”

  And so it was.

  In the evening, they sat down to have dinner, followed by the usual “conversation.”

  “I want to apologize for the things I said to you a few days ago,” she said. “I hope you also know how to forgive.”

  He nodded.

  “Would you like to apologize for what you said?” She gave him the opportunity. />
  He nodded affirmatively.

  “I’m glad. It’s been two weeks, and we have quite some time to spend together. I don’t want anything to burden our relationship.”

  He felt frustrated again. It seemed like an eternity to him, and there was so much more time left for him in this situation.

  ❧

  The days and nights went by in the exact same manner. A boring routine with nothing to look forward to. Shira left every so often to run her errands and go to the gym, leaving him alone in the quiet. The evening conversations, whenever they took place, were the highlight of his day, and the nights were the pitfall. Terrible feelings of desperation and frustration always grabbed hold of him before bedtime.

  DAY 18

  One afternoon, while Ben was having his introspection time and Shira was at work on her computer, the phone rang.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  The voice on the other side spoke.

  “Hi, what’s up?” She was in the middle of formulating a sentence on the computer and didn’t want to leave the studio before she finished it.

  “Yes. Just over two weeks,” she said, seeming thrifty with words and information. “Everything is fine. I’m working on a personal project.” She paused to listen. “No problem. I’ll send you the file again.”

  Suddenly, the conversation aroused Ben’s suspicion. Wait, is she talking to someone from work?

  “You too,” she said. “Bye-bye.” She hung up.

  He wasn’t quick enough to respond. He was tense and wanted to yell something at the phone, but thinking about the caller’s identity, what to yell, and whether it was worth it took too long and he missed his chance.

  Shira read his body language. She wasn’t as excited as he was by the phone call. “Yes, that was George. I’m sending him an updated file, nothing particularly interesting.” She went on with her work.

  Ben was stunned. He felt disappointed that he had missed an opportunity. He could have done so many things, but he did nothing. He was angry, very angry, mainly at himself.