In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “Okay.” I didn’t want her to know how scared I was. I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their help, but Aaron was powerful. I wasn’t naïve about what he was capable of.

  “I know you don’t believe me right now. But time will change your outlook, I promise you.” I didn’t respond verbally, I just nodded.

  “Abusive men want us to believe they’re strong and that you don’t stand a chance against them. But it’s not true. Men who abuse women are cowards. You are so much stronger than you think you are. And you have that beautiful little girl. You can do this.” I saw the conviction in her eyes and I knew in that moment she had her own story, which gave me comfort. And she was right about one thing, I had Gracie. And protecting her was my number one priority. She was the reason I left in the first place.

  For her.

  “I know that you met with Molly; she got you all set up. Is there anything else you need?” She glanced around the room and wrote a few words in her note pad.

  “I’m okay. She was helpful.” I gripped Gracie a little tighter as I felt her breathing even out, letting me know she was dozing off.

  “She’s a gem.” She gave me an acknowledging smile. “She saved me.” Her eyes looked distant for a fleeting moment before she turned her attention back to me. “But that’s a story for another time.”

  “Do you mind if I take a seat?” Cheryl asked, and nodded toward the bed.

  “No, please. I’m sorry, go ahead.”

  “Don’t apologize.” She waved my apology away as she took a seat on the bed.

  “Our job here is to get you to a safe place and make sure you have all of the necessities for you and Miss Gracie. We offer individual counseling as well as group sessions twice a day. We have a staff that can help you get on your feet, get a job, a place of your own, child care, etcetera. Now, of course those things take time, so just know that this is a process.” The thought of doing all those things on my own caused a tear to slide down my cheek.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to overwhelm you. I know it’s a lot to take in your first day here.”

  “No, it’s not that. I want all those things. I want to do this. I just never thought it was possible. I’ve been stuck for so long,” I admitted.

  “Well, it’s a new day, Ryan. Take it from me, you can do this. You have the strength to start over and give your daughter, and yourself, a good life. A healthy life.”

  “Is that what you did?” I needed to know from someone who had actually gone through this.

  “Yes, ma’am. It is. I walked into this place with a broken rib and two hungry babies. I promise you, you can do this.”

  “And now you volunteer here?” I wanted to know more about her. I needed the hope that I knew she could give me.

  “Twice a week. This place saved my life and gave my kids a fresh start. It’s my job to pay it forward. And I thank the good Lord every day for providing me a way out.” She pointed her index finger to the sky and I felt a new sense of wonder, curiosity even.

  “Now, it’s almost dinner time. Are you hungry?” She stood up and walked toward the door of my new room.

  “Yeah, I am.” I realized I hadn’t eaten in two days, and a little food would help.

  “Well come on, sweet lady.” She giggled and waved for me to follow. I stood, with Gracie on my hip, and walked closer to Cheryl. Then I did something I didn’t even expect of myself. I reached out and gave her a hug, realizing it was the first time I’d embraced anyone freely, other than Gracie, in years. I forced the tears back when she wrapped her arms around me.

  “You’re gonna be just fine,” she assured me when we pulled away from each other, and I hoped more than anything that she was right.

  I WALKED INTO the designated playroom the next morning, holding my Gracie close to my chest. The sounds of two children playing with a kitchen set in the corner filled the room. Their giggles made the older woman smile as she rocked a baby in her arms.

  “She’ll be okay, honey. I promise.” Cheryl patted my back, while I was busy chewing on the inside of my cheek. It was a rare occasion that my girl was even out of my sight, when she was awake anyway. She’d never really been around other children, and I wasn’t so sure about leaving her here, even for an hour. It didn’t feel right. My stomach was in knots.

  “What if she cries?” I looked over at Cheryl and then at the young lady who approached us with a big smile on her face. She wore pink sweat pants with a matching pink t-shirt, with bright pink running shoes to match.

  “I’ll come get you if she has any trouble. We have lots of toys, and we’ve all taken child development classes. You can trust us. I’m Lynn, by the way.” Her soft voice caught Gracie’s attention, who gave her a toothy grin.

  “I know it’s hard, Ryan. But spending some time with other women who understand what you’ve gone through can be very helpful. And the meeting is just a couple of doors down. Not far at all.” Cheryl’s assurance gave me a little comfort, knowing I wouldn’t be far.

  “You’ll come get me if she cries?” My voice was sterner than I intended, but this was my baby. I was all she had, and she was my everything.

  “Cross my heart.” She beamed as she made the shape of a “t” over her chest.

  “Okay. Thank you.” My voice was low as I allowed her to take Gracie from my arms. She immediately began to whimper, and I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. I wanted to change my mind and pull her back into my arms, then just hide in my room. But I knew I had to be strong for her. For me. For this new life we were trying to start.

  “It’s okay, baby,” I mumbled, my bottom lip trembling.

  “You wanna meet a new friend?” Cheryl cooed at Gracie, who stared at her in silence, as I watched intently. Lynn sat on a multi-colored rug across from another little girl, who seemed to be close to Gracie’s age. Gracie began to babble and stared at the little girl, watching her play with a baby doll before crawling onto the rug drawing closer to her new friend.

  “She’ll have fun, they always do,” Cheryl whispered close to my ear before coaxing me out of the room, but not before I looked over my shoulder two more times until she was out of sight. I didn’t hear her cry, so that was a plus.

  “I’ll introduce you to the group, but don’t feel obligated to speak. You move at your own pace, okay?” She stopped at the closed door in front of us that was simply labeled with a black number four.

  “Okay.” I stared at the door and tried to keep my nerves from taking over and forcing me to run.

  Cheryl opened the door, and I took in my surroundings. There were five other women in the room, chairs gathered in a loose circle, and the smell of coffee brewing in the air.

  A blonde woman, with big hoop earrings, met me at the door. She was wearing a black and white sundress and flip flops with rhinestones covering them.

  “Good morning, I’m Kari. I’m the group counselor. You must be Ryan, it’s very nice to meet you.” She reached her hand in my direction, and I noticed a small tattoo on her wrist that read “Enough” in scripted font.

  “Nice to meet you.” I joined my hand in hers briefly, before dropping it down to my side.

  “Come, have a seat. We’re just about to start.” I glanced around the room and, thankfully, I was met with smiles and nods from the rest of the women in the group.

  “Guys, this is Ryan. Let’s welcome her here.” Everyone began to tell me hello as they all sat in their chairs.

  “How’d you sleep?” a woman, maybe a few years older than me, asked as she took a seat next to mine. She was thin and looked frail, wearing a pair of blue jean shorts and a black tank top. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled into a messy top knot and she wore very little makeup.

  “Not too bad,” I lied with a smile. I hardly slept at all. I saw Aaron every time I closed my eyes. At one point, I could have sworn that he was in the room with me. I even heard his voice, warning me I wouldn’t get away with this. I even took Gracie out of her crib and put her in bed
with me. I knew it wasn’t a habit I should start, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Okay, let’s get started. Does anyone have anything they want to share?” Kari looked around the circle and waited just a moment before a woman, probably in her forties with a bob haircut, raised her hand in a timid fashion.

  “Eva, awesome. Go ahead.” Kari wore a huge grin as she gave the woman a nod.

  “I had a job interview yesterday.” She smiled bright and looked around the room as everyone began to congratulate her.

  “And I got it.” The room filled with applause and a tear rolled down her cheek.

  “Tell us why you’re emotional, Eva.” Kari leaned forward, placing her fist under her chin, giving the woman all her attention.

  “I haven’t been able to get a job in twenty years. Bill always told me no one would hire me.” She swiped the tear from her face and continued, “I knew if I ever tried, he would accuse me of sleeping with everyone. I always just stayed home; it was easier than being told I was a whore on a daily basis. Not that it kept him from accusing me. He beat me once because the mail man came to the door about a package. So obviously, I was sleeping with him.” She rolled her eyes as she ran both of her hands across her tear stained cheeks.

  “But you took that step, didn’t you?” Kari nodded her head in Eva’s direction.

  “I did.” She let out a shaky laugh.

  “And I’m proud of you. You should be proud of you too.”

  “Thanks.” She brushed off the compliment. “Someone else go.” The group giggled, and another woman squirmed in her chair uncomfortably, and it immediately caught my attention.

  “My husband choked me once until I passed out because his brother stopped by while he was gone to the beer store.” Her voice was quiet and shaky.

  “My little girl watched it happen. When I came to, she had crawled over to where I lay on the floor. She was crying and calling my name. She thought he killed me. And he didn’t even stick around to see if he had.” She shook her head as another woman stood from her chair and gave her a hug.

  “All I kept thinking was that she could be next. He was crazy, and I knew she was no exception to his rage. But I still didn’t leave. I stayed for another year. I’m so mad at myself for putting up with it.”

  “Rebecca, you can’t change the past. But you can change the future. You are changing it. You can’t beat yourself up. You can only move forward.” Kari’s voice was warm and consoling. The woman just placed her face in her hands and began to cry. I wanted to hug her; I knew exactly how she felt.

  I sat and listened for the rest of the hour, never speaking a word. I almost didn’t feel the need to. All our stories were so similar; they were taking the words right out of my mouth.

  When the meeting was over, everyone gathered in a circle and held hands. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I went along and allowed two women to grip their hands in mine.

  The group began to speak in unison:

  “Guide my steps, Lord. Show me that I am a survivor. Release me from the guilt and shame I carry. Comfort me when I feel alone. Give me strength when I feel weak. Heal me so I can live my best life. Use me to help others. Amen.”

  I stood in silence, watching the tears fall from my eyes onto my tennis shoes, as I listened to the words.

  I knew people prayed about things, but I wasn’t one of them. I’d heard of people that talked to God, but I’d never known much about it. Or Him. My heart was full of confusion and worry, but if this God could do all those things, then I would take any help I could get. Even if I didn’t understand it right now.

  I had this sudden yearning to memorize the words that were just repeated around me. I had to learn them and tuck them away in my heart. I would stand on them, especially since I didn’t feel like I had much else to stand on right now.

  “SO, HE’S GOING to know where I am?” My voice cracked as I stared at Molly, familiar paranoia running through my veins, watching intently as she tucked the paperwork into the large envelope.

  “The return address is from the lawyer’s office in Dallas. Honey, you’re safe,” she repeated, the words she’d been telling me for the last month. I tried my best to believe her, but that wasn’t easy to do.

  “But he has money; Dallas isn’t that far from here. He will use his resources to find me.” My bottom lip began to quiver, but I tried to hold the tears back when I noticed Gracie staring up at me.

  Just breathe.

  “Ryan, listen to me.” She rolled her chair closer to me, her knees touching mine as she forced me to look into her eyes.

  “I know. I know,” I mumbled. We’d gone over this plan multiple times. I knew this was our next step. The fearful part of me wanted to stay in this shelter, day and night, live in my anonymous bubble, behind locked doors. But I knew the day I walked in here that it was only temporary. I had to move forward. For Gracie.

  “You’ve taken all the necessary steps. You have the protective order, and the judge granted temporary full custody to you. Now we send the divorce papers and the form to release his parental rights. Then you wait. If he contests, then yes, you will have to see him in court. But again, you’ll be protected. You have to trust the system we have in place.”

  I nodded in agreement, knowing I didn’t have any other choice. I couldn’t stay here forever. I needed to get a job and support my child. I had an interview set up and it was time.

  I kept repeating all the things I’d learned the last month over and over in my mind. I knew that men who beat women were cowards. I knew that I had to stand up for myself and take our lives back.

  I knew all these things.

  But I also knew how powerful Aaron was. Or how he claimed to be. He had money to fight me. My greatest fear was that he would try and take Gracie from me. The attorney that the shelter had on hand assured me that wouldn’t happen. But I’d spent so many years allowing everything to be Aaron’s way, any other was hard to fathom. Even if I had taken the first step in doing what was best for us, and that was anything but his way.

  Trust the system.

  It was my only choice.

  “So, when is your interview?” Molly placed my future in the outgoing mail basket, then turned her attention back to me.

  “This afternoon.” I gave her a nervous grin and bit the inside of my cheek, while Gracie slid down my legs and began to crawl around on the floor. This was another worry. I couldn’t exactly take my baby to work with me, or even the interview. But I didn’t know how to leave her. Fear and paranoia rose up inside me once again.

  “Gracie will be just fine. She loves the playroom, and Cheryl is here today.” Sometimes, I could swear that Molly could read my mind. She always seemed to know my worries before I expressed them out loud. But, I took comfort in knowing that Cheryl would keep a good eye on Gracie. Plus, those two had really taken to each other over the last month. Gracie squealed and clapped each time she saw her.

  “Okay. I can do this.” I let out a deep sigh before repeating, “I can do this.”

  “Yes, you can, my dear. You are so much stronger than you realize.”

  I only hoped that one day I would believe all the nice things she said about me.

  “Thank you.” I nodded and stood, swooping Gracie into my arms, knowing that I had to get prepared for the rest of my day.

  “Remember, we have the clothing closet that you are more than welcome to look through.” Her smile was infectious, and I found myself mirroring it, trying to put my nerves on the back burner, if only for a few minutes.

  “Cheryl helped me find a nice outfit from there. And I met with Mrs. Thomas yesterday. She helped prep me with interview questions.” For a split second, I felt like maybe I could actually do this. The job was in an online shipping factory. It was an entry level position, but I was okay with that. Although I had a business degree, I’d never even used it. I quit working my part time waitressing job in college and hadn’t had a job since. I was just thankful someone would even give
me an interview, when my only work experience was being a stay-at-home mom and housewife.

  “Well, it sounds like you’re well prepared. You’ve got this, Ryan. I believe in you.” She gave me a huge grin as I walked closer to the door.

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so.”

  “YOU CAN DO this,” I repeated to myself for the tenth time in the last five minutes, standing in front of the bathroom mirror, putting the finishing touches on my makeup.

  Gracie was cooperating fantastically this morning. I’d fed her breakfast and got her dressed. Now she was playing in her crib as I finished getting ready. It’s almost like she knew I had things to do, not to mention being a nervous wreck, and wanted to help her mama out.

  I heard a light knock on our bedroom door and automatically jumped. I scolded myself for allowing it and shook my head as I headed to the door.

  “Hey.” Alana stood on the other side of the door, grinning, when I opened it a little wider for her.

  “Hey.” I gave her a nervous smile as she walked into my room. She bounced on her heels, wearing a new set of scrubs, her hair pulled into a tight ponytail. She had just started her own job at a nursing home and was working on getting her Certified Nurses Aide license. She came to Safe Haven a few weeks before me, and we seemed to click almost instantly. She had two boys, both under the age of five, and she’d dealt with many of the same problems I had. We had a lot in common, and I was thankful to have made a friend.

  “Don’t be nervous. You’re going to do great.” She smiled as I ran my shaky hands down my employer provided khaki pants and polo shirt with the company logo on it.

  “Thanks. I better get going, though. I double checked the bus route this morning and I don’t want to miss it.” I let out another shaky breath and looked around the room for my purse.

  “No way, I’ve got wheels now. I’m taking you.” She jingled a set of keys in front of me and opened her mouth excitedly.