In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “Oh no, I couldn’t ask you do to that. The city bus is totally fine.” That was a lie. The truth is that I was scared to take a bus. I’d never done anything like that before. But I knew I had to do what needed to be done.

  “Ryan, our jobs are like a quarter of a mile apart. And our schedules almost match up perfectly. It’s like God worked it out; it’s meant to be. Come on!” She nudged my arm with her elbow and brushed past me, scooping Gracie from her crib.

  “I don’t want to be a burden, or any trouble.”

  “Listen, it’ll be girl time. We can listen to music and talk. It’ll be fun!” she coaxed me, and I realized a little girl time actually sounded great. I hadn’t had that in years. I hadn’t even had friends in so long.

  “Are you sure?” I cocked my brow, needing an honest answer from her.

  “Totally sure. Besides, you’ll have your own car in no time, so let’s do this.” She did a little dance, bouncing Gracie on her hip, who replied with a giggle.

  I knew that saving up for a car was the first thing on my agenda once I got a job. Plus, I was already on the list for apartment assistance from the shelter. Suddenly, it felt like things were starting to fall into place.

  Maybe I could do this.

  Just maybe.

  ***

  A short time later, Alana pulled into the parking lot of the large warehouse. I glanced down at the lanyard around my neck, trying to suppress the urge to vomit.

  “Relax, chica. You got this.” Alana smiled as she bobbed her head around to the beat of the song on the radio.

  I smiled at the difference I had noticed in her over the past few weeks. She seemed so happy now, compared to the day I watched her break down in our first meeting together. I cried with her as she spoke about her soon to be ex-husband kicking her and those boys out on the street in the middle of the night, deciding that his family was getting in the way of his drug habit and party life. She didn’t have anyone to turn to, and that’s how she ended up at Safe Haven. I knew that feeling oh so well. Like me, she’d lived a life of solitude, with her boys being her only companions. She’d never been able to work, fearing that something would happen to her children if she weren’t there to protect them. But she escaped that life, it just happened to have been forced upon her. It didn’t take her long to realize that it was for the best.

  “Okay, wish me luck.” I opened the car door and stared at the large building in front of me.

  “Good luck!” She waved as I exited the car, trying to keep my knees from knocking as I made my way to the front door. My nerves kicked up a notch as others scurried around me, filing into the door.

  I stared straight ahead and looked for the scanning department. I saw the large white sign with the red arrow pointing me in the right direction. I headed for my destination, giving the cordial nod to those who gave it to me first.

  “Morning.” A large man with a toothy grin looked down at me, raking his eyes over my body, which began to tremble with fear. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with, and I hoped that he didn’t work in my department. I didn’t respond, instead forced my attention straight ahead.

  I was thankful when I was far enough away from the stranger to let out a breath, one I didn’t even realize I had been holding.

  “Hey, there. You must be Ryan.” An older woman, wearing the same style of khaki pants as me, but with a red polo, gave me a smile and held out her hand in my direction. “I’m Sandy. I’m the department manager. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Hi, nice to meet you.” I shook her hand, her grip firm. Then she pulled her hand away and stared at the clipboard in front of her.

  “Welcome to the madhouse.” She chuckled as she flipped through the pages, “Follow me.” I did as she requested and tried to take in my surroundings. The sounds of machines and beeping filled my ears, the smell of cardboard wafting through the air.

  We came upon a dark-haired woman, busy scanning boxes and making notes, then pushing the packages down the assembly line.

  “This is Vicky, she’s going to train you.” The woman stopped and gave me a friendly smile.

  “Hey there. Ryan, right? It’s nice to meet you.” She took her eyes off her hand-held scanning machine and placed it on the table.

  “Hello, nice to meet you, also.” My voice was quieter than I intended, and I knew it was my nerves getting the best of me.

  Just relax, you can do this. I repeated the familiar mantra to myself for the next few minutes as Vicky began to show me around.

  “SO, THIS IS the breakroom. There’re vending machines over there.” She pointed her finger to the left corner of the large room, the smell of microwave meals filtering through the air. “I usually brown bag it, though.” She held up her lunch bag with a friendly smile. I hadn’t even thought about lunch time, although the rumbling in my stomach was a stark reminder. The morning had gone by so fast, I didn’t have time to think about it, but the scents filling the air let me know how hungry I was. I knew I had cash on me, but I had saved almost every penny since I left Aaron and I didn’t even like the idea of spending a couple of dollars on vending machine snacks. But my stomach was going to fight me for the next thirty minutes if I didn’t fill it with a little something.

  “I’m going to grab something; do you mind if I sit with you?” I asked nervously, glancing around at the small groups gathered throughout the room. I suddenly felt like the new kid in school who considered eating in the bathroom to avoid the crowd. It was silly, but I didn’t have much experience with new people, not since college anyway. And that seemed like a lifetime ago. The years that Aaron had kept me confined to the house had taken a toll on me that I hadn’t realized.

  “Of course not.” Her laugh gave me a little comfort as she took a seat at an almost empty table. I walked to the vending machines and grabbed a Diet Coke and a bag of pretzels. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to hold me over.

  I took a seat across from Vicky and cracked the can open, taking a gulp, and then popping a pretzel in my mouth.

  “So, is this your first time working in a factory? You seemed to catch on really quick.” She popped a square of cheese in her mouth, while shaking a bottle of grape juice.

  “Um, yeah. I’ve been a stay at home mom for a while.” The thought of Gracie made my body physically ache for my little girl and hoped her first day without me was going smoothly. I hated not having a cell phone, but the shelter had my work number and promised to call me if there were any problems.

  I tried not to dwell on all the things I didn’t have at this moment.

  No home.

  No car.

  No cell phone.

  I needed to focus on the things I did have.

  My baby.

  My freedom.

  My life.

  This was a fresh start and I knew I would get all the things I needed, it just took time. And I was doing the best I could right now. As long as Aaron just did what I needed him to do. But the thought of that scared me, he never did what was easy for me. I couldn’t expect it from him now. I had to push those thoughts away, before fear controlled my next move and I ran out of this building straight for Gracie.

  “You okay, there?” Vicky was waving her hand in front of my face, drawing my attention from my own thoughts.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, pushing my fears down, temporarily anyway.

  “No, don’t apologize. Is everything okay?” I could tell from the look on her face she was genuinely concerned, and the words started to fall from my lips before I could stop them.

  “I’ve just never been away from my Gracie before. It’s hard.”

  “Oh, I’ve been there. I understand.” She patted my hand with hers. “But I’m sure she’s okay. Is she with family or in daycare?”

  “I don’t have any family. She’s in a daycare. Sort of.” I bit the inside of my cheek and watched the look of confusion cover Vicky’s face. And I started to spill my truth before my brain gave my mouth a chance to shut it
down.

  “My husband was abusive. I left him. I’m living in a women’s shelter right now until I can get on my feet.”

  Why did I just say that out loud?

  But I couldn’t stop talking.

  “The shelter has a daycare of sorts, to help us get on our feet, so we can work. And get a place of our own. I just want to take care of my baby. And keep her safe. I knew I had to get her away from him. My husband. Soon to be ex-husband. Hopefully."

  I looked up from the bag of pretzels I had been staring at and found Vicky staring at me, her eyes wide and full of tears.

  This isn’t what I wanted.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I just laid all that out there. That was dumb. I’m sorry.” I shook my head, scolding myself for what I’d just done.

  “Ryan, stop apologizing. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

  “You didn’t ask for all my baggage to be thrust upon you.” My shoulders slumped from embarrassment.

  “I’ve been told I’m a good listener. It’s okay.” She smiled and crunched on a carrot stick. She wasn’t staring at me with judgement or disgust in her eyes. It was just...concern.

  “I’m just embarrassed,” I admitted, taking another drink from the can.

  “Don’t be. Not at all. I think what you’re doing is really brave.”

  “You do?” I glanced at her once again, and she nodded her head.

  “Absolutely.”

  “You don’t think it’s pathetic that I live in a shelter?” I whispered, glancing around, hoping no one else could hear our conversation.

  “I don’t. Not at all. I think you’re stronger than you realize. It took a lot of guts to get away.”

  “We left when he went to work. I was so scared. We hopped on a bus, and it took almost twenty-four hours to get here.” My stomach began to leap into my chest, just remembering the fear that covered me that whole morning. But again, I couldn’t explain the need to give her the details. I felt this strange sense of comfort talking to her. It was odd, really.

  “I can’t even imagine.” She shook her head in disbelief.

  “It’s been hard, but I know it was the right thing to do.”

  “It was. I believe that too.” She was virtually a stranger, but her confidence in my decision felt nice.

  “Thank you.”

  “Listen, I’ve been ignoring this little nudge I’ve had since this morning, but I can’t anymore so I’m just going to say it.” She waved her hand, next to her ear, confusing me just a little. I wasn’t sure what kind of nudge she was talking about.

  “Say what?” I asked.

  “Have you found a church since you’ve been here?” she asked, seeming a little nervous about her question. But strangely, it wasn’t a question I’d ever been asked. Ever.

  “Um, no.” I wasn’t sure how to tell her I’d never stepped foot in a church.

  “I go to a really great church. And I know they have a single mother’s group. You might find it helpful. I don’t know. I’m not trying to be some pushy religious lady, but I just feel like I should extend the offer. Ya know, if you’re interested.” She crinkled her nose as she spoke, and it made me smile.

  “Um, thank you.” It was the only reply I knew to give.

  “Don’t feel obligated. But it’s a really great place to be when you feel like you need peace in your life. If I’m being honest, it saved me. In every way.” Her giggle at her own inside joke made me laugh.

  “Really?” Suddenly, I had a lot of questions.

  “Yeah, definitely. I also feel like everything happens for a reason. Maybe it’s not a coincidence that you came to my department. Maybe God led you to me.” She laughed before continuing, “I hope that doesn’t make me sound crazy.”

  “No, not at all.” It made me curious, more than anything. I didn’t really know much about God, but for some reason I was hearing his name a lot lately.

  “Okay, good.” Her cackle gave me the giggles, and it was the first time I’d laughed out loud in quite a while. That feeling alone gave me comfort.

  “I have a card at home with information and service times, stuff like that. I’ll bring it tomorrow, if ya want?”

  “That’d be great, thanks.” I smiled, devouring the rest of my pretzels, just before a high-pitched beeping sound filled the room.

  Back to work.

  I STARED AT the postcard I’d held in my purse for the past month, trying to convince myself to walk inside the rock building I was parked in front of. I glanced in the rearview mirror and watched Gracie give her bunny a hug, rocking the stuffed animal back and forth as much as her buckled car seat would allow.

  I didn’t understand why I was so nervous. I wouldn’t be alone. I had Gracie, and Vicky had already sent me a text this morning letting me know how excited she was that I was coming.

  When my new cell phone dinged from my first text, I got nervous. I knew that Aaron still hadn’t responded to the paperwork the lawyer had sent him over a month ago, and I feared he’d gotten my information. The rational part of me knew that was virtually impossible, but when it came to Aaron, rational wasn’t part of the equation.

  The service was starting in a few minutes, and I didn’t want to be disrespectful by walking in late.

  “You ready for this, sweetie?” I gazed at Gracie over my shoulder. “Mama’s nervous,” I admitted.

  “Mamamama!” Gracie lifted her hands in the air, opening and closing her hands, letting me know that she was ready to get out of her seat. I couldn’t blame her. She’d spent over a month in the shelter, rarely leaving that building, other than a few brief outings. She almost seemed confused when we went to the car dealership. It was different for me, also. I’d never purchased my own car before. Aaron never even gave me a choice in the style or brand that I got. According to him, I should just be glad he let me have one.

  I rolled my eyes at the thought of some of the crap he used to feed me.

  This car was used and much less luxurious than the one I left behind in Ohio, but I loved it so much more. This one was mine, and no one could take the keys from me on a whim to keep me from the outside world.

  I brushed those memories aside, grabbed the diaper bag, slinging it over my shoulder and lifted Gracie out of her seat, placing her on my hip where it seemed she fit perfectly. Although, she seemed to be growing and getting heavier by the day.

  “Let’s do this, sweets.” I kissed her forehead and continued to make our way closer to the glass doors, following a few other people inside.

  “Good morning. How are ya?” An older gentleman with a big smile held his hand out and gave me a quick shake.

  “Good morning.” I gave him a brief nod and continued through the large doors, anxious to find Vicky.

  “Hi there!” A young girl, probably in her late teens, with long blonde hair and flawless skin greeted me just as I entered the building

  “Hello.” I gave her a smile.

  “Oh my goodness, she’s so cute!” she gushed at Gracie, who decided to show off by blowing her a kiss.

  “Aren’t you the most adorable thing ever!” The girl giggled as she placed her hands over her mouth, in awe of my daughter’s cuteness.

  “Thank you,” I replied and glanced over her shoulder, searching for Vicky.

  My eyes were drawn to a man standing in the corner with an older gentleman. He had chestnut hair and just a light coat of scruff along his cheeks. He was dressed in black slacks and a navy-blue button-up shirt, that matched his eyes perfectly. His eyes drifted to mine, and it felt as if the air had just been knocked out of my chest. I tried to look away, but our stares were locked. My heart began to race, and my mouth felt as if I hadn’t been able to quench my thirst in a decade.

  He was beautiful.

  “There you are!” Vicky’s voice pulled my eyes away from him, drawing me back to my own reality.

  “Hey!” I waved with my free hand as she approached me.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” She
reached out and embraced both of us at the same time. “And you...little miss. I’ve been waiting to meet you!” She touched Gracie’s hand, who locked her chubby fingers around Vicky’s thumb.

  “Thank you for inviting me. Sorry it took so long.”

  “Doesn’t matter. You’re here now,” she replied, and looped her arm through mine, leading me through another set of double doors into a large room filled with chairs and a stage. I’d seen the inside of churches on television before, but it was strange how comfortable it felt from the first moment my feet touched the floor.

  Almost familiar. Which made absolutely no sense at all.

  Vicky led me to the middle section, and I noticed a tall man with a full beard, wearing a flannel shirt and starched jeans, paired with scuffed up cowboy boots. A stark contrast from Vicky’s skirt and high heels. I tried not to feel out of place in my casual dress and flats. It was the only dressy outfit I left with when we fled. I looked around the room and noticed everyone was dressed differently. Some were wearing suits, and others were dressed in jeans with t-shirts. I decided not to let my insecurities reign right now. Besides, I did splurge and bought Gracie a new dress. It was pink and frilly, and I absolutely loved it.

  “Honey, this is Ryan. Ryan, this is my husband, Lee.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I gave him a quick wave.

  “Nice to meet you too, ma’am.” His southern drawl took me by surprise and made me smile.

  And that’s when I felt him...again. I looked out of the corner of my eye and noticed the beautiful man walk down the aisle and take a seat in the front row. I did my very best not to stare at his back, watch his every move.

  Luckily, my attention was taken away when the lights were dimmed, and music began to play.

  The woman’s voice on the stage caused chills to run up my spine. She began to sing about keeping your eyes above the waves and your soul resting in His embrace. I didn’t understand what some of the things meant, but I had an overwhelming urge to cry. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was pent up feelings over the years. Maybe it was watching my baby girl, swaying back and forth, singing her own version of this song.