In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  Maybe it was just this place.

  I allowed myself to mouth the words, and then my voice to utter quietly, as I read the words on the screen.

  I am Yours.

  And You are mine.

  “RIGHT HERE IS perfect.” I dropped my end of the heavy sofa onto the freshly cleaned carpet.

  “Alright.” Lee followed suit and placed his end a little more gently. It was obvious he didn’t struggle with the weight nearly as bad as I did.

  I looked around, exhausted, but completely in awe of everything around me.

  Gracie clapped from her used, but new to her, playpen that sat in the corner of our new living room.

  “I can’t thank you guys enough for everything.” I placed my hand over my heart, sure that it was going to burst out of my chest.

  “That’s what friends are for.” Vicky placed a box of dishes on the kitchen counter.

  “But all of these things...” I looked around my new apartment that was already well on its way to being fully furnished. “I’m just so grateful.” I forced the tear that was threatening to fall to remain in place. Now wasn’t the time to get emotional, I had too much left to do.

  “You did me a favor getting this stuff out of my garage.” Lee chuckled, shaking his head.

  “I can’t help it. If I find a good deal, I grab it.” Vicky stuck her tongue out at her husband.

  “She’s a self-proclaimed yard sale queen. But I think she’s a hoarder.” He pulled his baseball cap from his head, wiping the sweat from his brow, as he took a seat on the couch.

  “Ew, I am not. You just want the garage back for your man cave idea.” She rolled her eyes as she took a seat next to him on the sofa.

  “Hey, baseball season will be here in no time; my man cave will benefit both of us.” He squeezed his wife’s knee.

  “True.” She gave me a wink. “Don’t get me wrong, I like baseball. But I don’t need to watch every game that every team plays.” She shook her head with a giggle.

  “It’s important to know what we’re up against,” he defended himself, and I couldn’t help but smile at their loving banter.

  “Whatever you say, honey.”

  “Knock, knock.” Alana poked her head inside the door and I immediately scolded myself for not keeping it locked. I couldn’t get too comfortable, not yet anyway. Aaron still hadn’t shown his face, but I didn’t trust that it wouldn’t happen. I especially had to be careful since we were finally in our own place.

  “Hey there.” I smiled and met Alana at the door, locking it behind her as she shuffled her boys inside.

  “This is really nice, Ryan.” She clapped her hands together in excitement.

  “Thank you.” It wasn’t much. Just a small two-bedroom apartment. But it was in a decent area, close to work, and the best part was it was mine. I was thankful that the shelter had the program in place. They would pay my first three months of rent and then I was on my own. I’d been saving and watching every penny since I started working. It was a big difference from the life I was used to with Aaron. He made plenty of money, and I never had to worry about paying a bill on time. But his abuse wasn’t worth the financial comfort. I’d rather scrape every penny I had to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table than spend another second with Aaron and his temper.

  This was our new beginning. Our fresh start. And I was determined to make it work.

  “Andrew, Luis, be nice to the baby.” Alana pointed her index finger in the direction of her boys that were standing over Gracie’s playpen. Gracie was standing on her feet, holding on to the side, bouncing softly up and down.

  “Okay, mommy,” the boys rang out in unison, and she gave them a smile.

  “They’re always so sweet to her,” I reminded her.

  “I know, but boys are rowdy sometimes,” she assured me, with wide eyes.

  “They’re fine.” I waved my hand at her, and then remembered the rest of my guests. “I’m sorry, Alana this is Vicky and Lee, I told you about them.”

  “Yes, of course. Hi, how are you guys?” She smiled and gave them a wave.

  “Good thank you, it’s nice to meet you.” Vicky returned the wave, and Lee gave a quiet nod.

  “We better get going, honey,” I heard Lee mumble to Vicky. “Unless you need us for anything else.” Lee stood to his feet, and gave me a nod with his hand over the brim of his cap.

  “No, you guys have done more than enough. Thank you so much.” I walked over and gave Vicky a quick hug.

  “It’s totally our pleasure. And I’d love to stay and help you unpack, but we promised the kids we’d catch a movie.” She seemed remorseful, which was completely unnecessary.

  “Are you kidding? Go, have fun,” I encouraged her.

  “Our kids are teenagers now, I’m just glad they want to be seen with us.” Vicky giggled as they walked closer to the door.

  “Gotta take it while we can get it,” Lee uttered.

  “Sad, but true,” Vicky replied, just as my cell phone began to ring from the counter behind me. The only people that ever really called were in this room with me, and my heart immediately began to pound against my chest.

  I lifted my index finger and turned on my heel, grabbing my cell. When I saw my lawyer’s name scrolled across the screen, my body stiffened, and I had to force myself to slide my finger across the glass.

  “Hello,” I pressed my phone against my ear and waited, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

  “Hello, is this Ryan?” the deep voice rumbled on the other end of the line.

  “Yes, sir. This is she,” I replied.

  “Good afternoon, I’m sorry, I realize it’s the weekend, but I’ll be out of my office until Wednesday and I wanted to go ahead and let you know the latest news.” My throat began to tighten as I looked in the direction of my friends, who had all stopped chatting and were staring in my direction. Vicky and Alana both wearing a worried expression.

  “Okay.” My voice was shaky and I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to prepare myself.

  “We heard back from your husband’s attorney.”

  “You did?” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.

  “He’s contesting the divorce and the custody suit. The judge has set a court date for the end of November.” His voice was somber, and I wanted to break down and cry.

  “Okay,” I repeated, realizing that was a month away. I was going to be forced to be in the same room with Aaron and I wasn’t emotionally prepared to do so. My body wasn’t physically prepared. I’d grown accustomed to not being used as a punching bag, I didn’t want to go back to it. I couldn’t.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. But please remember, we are going to fight this. It’s my job to fight for you.”

  “Thank you.” My voice was meek.

  “I’ll be in touch as we get closer to the date. I’d like to have another meeting, just to prepare.” His voice was full of confidence, I only wished I could have just a little sliver of it.

  “Sounds good,” I lied. Nothing was good about this.

  “Have a good weekend, ma’am.”

  “Thank you. Same to you.” I allowed the phone to slide from my fingertips and onto the floor as Alana and Vicky both rushed to my side.

  “What’s wrong?” Alana asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.

  “He’s fighting it. Everything. We have to go to court,” I mumbled, unable to meet Gracie’s gaze from across the room. I didn’t want her to see the worry in my eyes. It was my job to protect her.

  Leave it to Aaron to ruin my good day. My fresh start.

  “I have to see him.” The tears I had been holding back began to slide down my cheeks. I brushed them away, glancing at the kids who were caught up in their own game of Peek-A-Boo. Lee stood at the doorway, with his eyes downcast.

  “I’ll go with you. I’ll be right beside you.” Alana wrapped her arms around me.

  “Me too. If you want,” Vicky mumbled and put her arm around me from the other side. I nodded in
agreement, knowing I needed my friends with me. I didn’t want to face him alone. I couldn’t.

  “You’re not going to let him control your life. Those days are over,” Alana spoke with authority.

  “He won’t win, Ryan,” Vicky assured me.

  I only wish I shared their positivity in this situation.

  They didn’t know him. They didn’t know what he was capable of.

  “GOODNIGHT, SWEET GIRL,” I whispered to Gracie, her eyes already drifting closed as I placed her in her crib.

  “Ni-Ni,” she mumbled, and my heart began to flutter. I was amazed at how much she had begun talking just in the past couple of weeks. Her first birthday was right around the corner, and I was half convinced my baby was a genius. I knew most moms probably thought that about their children. I just happen to be right.

  But part of me knew that her comfort level probably encouraged her vocabulary. She didn’t have to witness violence anymore or see me fearful of her father. And I was so thankful that I didn’t have to worry about him taking his anger out on her anymore.

  I crawled into my bed, courtesy of Safe Haven, and tried to shake thoughts of Aaron from my mind. I hated that he wouldn’t just let us go, although I knew deep down that he wasn’t going to make this easy, no matter how much I hoped for it. It wasn’t who he was.

  “Who was he?” Aaron’s voice slurred in my ear, waking me from my light slumber. Ever since I’d had Gracie, I felt as if I slept with one eye open, constantly worried about her. I suppose that was normal for new mothers.

  “What?” My voice was raspy and a little hoarse from the cold I’d been trying to fight off, fearing I’d pass it on to my daughter. She was only three months old, I didn’t want her to get sick.

  “Don’t play dumb.” The alcohol on his breath caused my nose to crinkle as he roughly pressed his forehead to the side of my face.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Aaron,” I whispered, not wanting to wake the baby who was sleeping peacefully in the bassinet next to me. He’d been out late again, and I should have known he would come home in a foul mood. It was pretty normal since Gracie was born.

  “I saw his truck pull out of the driveway when I pulled in, don’t lie to me,” he growled, and grabbed a handful of my hair, wrapping it around his clenched fist.

  I bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry out in pain, determined not to wake the baby.

  “I don’t know. I swear,” I whispered, pain radiating from my scalp down to my neck, as he yanked me upright.

  “Aaron, please, don’t.” I knew my begging would only make things worse, but the pain was excruciating.

  “If you don’t tell me the truth, it’s just going to get worse.” His anger seethed, and my fear was amplified when I heard the baby stir in her bassinet.

  I knew I had to try and grasp some type of control of the situation. I had been here too many times, I knew how bad it was going to get if I didn’t.

  “Aaron, baby, I swear. I was sleeping. No one was here. I promise. I love you. Only you.” I forced quiet sweetness to fall from my lips, putting my pain on the back burner just to get through this.

  Again.

  Thankfully, he released his grasp on my hair and fell back onto his pillow.

  “Show me.” He grabbed my wrist tightly and pulled me closer to him.

  This was the last thing I wanted right now, but I knew I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had to do this or suffer the consequences.

  I swiped my hand across my cheek, determined to push the tears, and that memory, aside, at least for now. But thoughts of Aaron caused me to jump out of bed and double check the doors and windows, making sure everything was secure.

  I tip-toed into Gracie’s bedroom and watched over her briefly, watching her tummy rise and fall, sleeping peacefully. I forced myself to let her sleep in her bed instead of scooping her up and taking her to my room. I knew it would have been selfish and only to give myself comfort.

  Instead, I walked back into my dark room and crawled back into my bed. We had an early day tomorrow, and I was determined to stick with my plan. Sure, I had plenty to do around the apartment, or I could even make the decision to just lounge around and be lazy in our own place. It was Sunday after all. I had the ability to do that now, without being talked down to for taking a break.

  But deep down I knew where I needed to be, and that’s where we were going.

  “I’M REALLY GLAD you guys came today.” Vicky looped her arm through mine as we started to walk outside after the service. I glanced over at Gracie who was in Vicky’s daughter, Madi’s arms. Gracie really took to Madi from the first time she met her. It was nice seeing her bond with people; she was very extroverted now that she was actually given the opportunity to interact with other people. Madi was close to convincing me to allow Gracie to go to the nursery during the service since she volunteered in there every other week. I was almost there, just not quite yet. Soon.

  “Me too.” The preacher’s words really sunk in this morning. He spoke about second chances and turning to God when you needed help. Maybe there was something to it. I said the prayer at the end of the service when he asked if there was anyone who had never accepted Jesus into their heart. I repeated every word, trying to grasp what they meant. I didn’t quite understand all of it yet, but I was doing my best. And I trusted my answers would come. In time.

  “Do you want to go have lunch with us? Our treat.” Vicky smiled, and I glanced at Lee who was rubbing his belly.

  “Actually, I better get Gracie home for her nap. But, thank you for the offer.” I hadn’t been in a restaurant in months, but I also didn’t want to spend the cash when I had groceries at home. And taking Vicky up on her offer was out of the question. She’d done more than enough for me, I wasn’t going to let her buy my food.

  “Maybe next time.” She gave me a wink before turning her attention to her husband. “Let’s go get you fed, honey.”

  “I’m wasting away over here.” Lee chuckled, patting his stomach.

  “I see that, we better hurry.” She giggled and fell in step with him.

  “I’ll help you get Gracie in her car seat. Since you have your hands full,” Madi offered with a smile. I was used to doing everything that had to do with Gracie on my own, but a little help in that area was appreciated.

  “Thank you, Madi. I’d love the help.” I smiled, throwing the diaper bag back over my shoulder as it slid downward, and we continued toward my car in the parking lot. You always hear about teenagers being rude and unruly, and sometimes that might be true, but Vicky’s kids were the exception. Her son was quiet and polite. And Madi, although she was only fifteen, was very mature and seemed to have a good head on her shoulders.

  “She really likes you.” I glanced over as Gracie was playing with Madi’s long blonde hair.

  “The feeling is mutual.” She smiled and hugged Gracie closer to her chest. When we got to the car, we made a team effort to get Gracie buckled as she fought to stay in Madi’s arms.

  “You’ll see her again soon, I promise.” I shook my head as we succeeded in getting her confined to her seat.

  “Um, hello.” A deep rumble came from behind me, causing me to freeze for a moment. Madi and I raised up at the same time and turned around.

  “I’ll see you later,” Madi whispered, and I could see her stifling a smile as she squeezed my elbow before shuffling away—quickly. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reply to her because my entire focus was on the man standing in front of me.

  It was him.

  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t looked around for him during the church service but without any luck. Yet here he stood.

  Today he was wearing a black button-down shirt with starched jeans and shiny dress boots. I tried not to focus on his outfit and the way he filled it out, but his face was just as equally distracting. His dark hair was styled in a perfect mess, and those blue eyes. They were a perfect sky blue. And it wasn’t just the color, they were warm and frien
dly. He was clean shaven today, displaying a perfect jawline.

  “Hi.” My voice was meek and almost inaudible. And to be honest, I was a little confused. I was waiting for the “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else” moment.

  “I was hoping to see you again.” He gave me an unexpected smile. And what a smile it was. The grin gave way to a small dimple on his left cheek.

  “You were?” Yes, absolutely confused.

  “Yeah.” He chuckled, and the sound made my heart flutter. I did my best to ignore the feeling, knowing this wasn’t something I would grow familiar to hearing.

  I couldn’t reply, I didn’t know what to say. So, I simply waited and tried not to stare.

  “Sorry, uh, I’m Joshua.” He held his hand out and I placed mine in his. The moment our hands touched, I felt a connection. Literal electricity ran up my arm. It was something that was so virtually unfamiliar to me I almost jerked my hand away, except I couldn’t.

  “I’m Ryan,” I replied, allowing my hand to fall away from his.

  “Ryan,” he repeated. The way he said my name caused my heart to pound against my chest. “I like that.”

  “Thanks.” I nervously bit the inside of my cheek.

  “Are you new to the area?” he asked, looking around me briefly and flashed a smile in Gracie’s direction. His simple gesture pulled me back to reality.

  My reality.

  “Yeah, sort of. I’ve been here a few months.” I felt the urge to run, and I couldn’t explain my reasoning. I just wanted to get out of here.

  Yet, stay here forever.

  “Well, I’m glad you came back to church. I was hoping to get the chance to actually meet you.” He stared down at me, and I had to look away, so I glanced over my shoulder at Gracie.

  “Um, thanks.” I was too nervous to have an actual conversation. I couldn’t even understand why he was standing here. He was almost too beautiful to look at.

  “I’m sorry. I know this is forward. And you don’t really know me,” he laughed, and ran his fingers through his perfectly messy hair. “But, would you like to have lunch with me?”