In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “What?” I wasn’t even sure if I’d heard him correctly. This didn’t even make sense to me.

  “I mean, if you’re hungry.” Now he was the nervous one. “We can go somewhere kid friendly, that way you don’t have to worry about your little girl.” He gave Gracie another smile, and I knew I had to flee.

  “Um, I’m sorry. No. I can’t,” I mumbled, feeling the urge to cry, although I didn’t understand why.

  “Oh, okay,” he stated, but he didn’t move. He stared at me. Through me.

  “I have to go.” I gave him a pathetic smile and turned my back to him. “I’m sorry.” I looked over my shoulder and noticed he still hadn’t moved. “It’s okay. I’ll see you soon, though.” He nodded and began to walk away, hands in his pockets, those mesmerizing blue eyes downcast.

  “Okay,” I whispered, watching him from the corner of my eye until he walked back through the glass doors of the church. When he was out of my sight, I slid into my car and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

  “Mamamama!” Gracie pulled me from my inner turmoil and back to reality.

  “You ready, sweetie? Before Mommy runs through those doors and makes a fool of herself.” I shook my head at my own ridiculousness and pulled out of the church parking lot.

  My pieces were too broken to stand against something so flawless.

  “OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED?” Vicky’s eyes pried into me as she sat down in the chair across from me. I stared down at my sandwich that was still sitting inside the Ziploc bag, not quite ready to make eye contact with her. I knew what she was asking, but I was determined to play dumb, hoping I might be wrong.

  I wasn’t.

  “What do you mean?” I gave her my best nonchalant glance before pulling my eyes back down to the sandwich I was determined to give more focus than necessary.

  “You’ve been around my family enough to know that Madi is...curious. Let’s just use that word.” She chuckled, shaking her head, but still keeping her eyes locked on me. “And she saw what happened after church yesterday. She said Joshua looked so defeated when he walked away from you. She’s determined to know the details.”

  She stopped and waited for my response, but I wasn’t sure what to say so she continued.

  “I’d love to tell you that it’s none of my business and I respect your privacy. But let’s be honest here, Madi gets it from her mama.” She pulled a carrot from her own Ziploc bag and gave it a dramatic crunch.

  I couldn’t help but giggle through my own inner turmoil. I really was thankful for Vicky’s friendship, even her ‘inquiring minds want to know’ personality. It was nice to have someone who cared and wanted to know about my life. It was still an adjustment, but it was a nice feeling.

  “I can’t force it out of you, but I’m not above begging. Just FYI.” She shrugged her shoulders and propped her fists under her chin, waiting.

  “Okay,” she began, when I didn’t speak. “I’ve known Joshua for a lot of years, he’s a good man.” Her voice became softer.

  “I don’t doubt that,” I mumbled, unable to speak my truth.

  “So spill,” she demanded, tapping her fingertips against the wooden table.

  “It wasn’t a big deal. He asked me to lunch.” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to control the urge to cry that seemed to hit me out of nowhere.

  “Oh, okay.” She stared at me, confusion marring her face.

  “I said no, and that was it.” My vision blurred from the tears that were threatening to make an appearance. I tried to will them away, but they weren’t budging. They remained firmly in place, letting me know who was in charge.

  “Okay, I understand if you’re not ready. But why are you about to cry?” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand briefly.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “It’s okay to move forward. I know, I’m just an old married lady, so dating isn’t exactly my area of expertise. But...going on a date might actually be good for you.”

  “I don’t know.” I repeated my previous confession, but for a different reason.

  “I’m just going to throw this out there and you can listen to me...or not. But here it goes.” She paused for a moment and waited for me to make eye contact before continuing.

  “I’ve known Joshua since he was a kid, when we first started going to Lakeside. It was right after Pastor Andrews and his wife adopted him. He’s always had such a good heart, even as a teenager—when most kids turn into foreign creatures—he was faithful. I know that the single women in the church always have their eyes on him, and most of them have tried to catch his. But he’s so focused; I don’t know any other way to put it. I can assure you, that him asking you on a date didn’t come lightly for him. That’s not who he is.”

  I knew her words were meant to convince me that I should give this a shot, but she had no idea that she was filling me with even more reasons to never pursue something like this.

  I was still a married woman, technically. I came straight from a battered women’s shelter and had just got my own job and apartment. I had a child and a husband who was determined to strip her away from me. My life came with too much baggage to expect anyone else to take that on.

  Especially not someone like Joshua.

  He was too good for someone like me. I wouldn’t have any delusions that would try and convince me otherwise.

  I was broken.

  I was flawed.

  He was pure.

  Our pieces could never fit together. That was my reality. I wouldn’t try to pretend we could make something work between us. And realizing that from the beginning would save me from any heartbreak.

  I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had Gracie, and I had to focus on building a life for us and keeping Aaron out of it. That was my top priority right now.

  No matter how beautiful—or perfect—he was.

  It didn’t matter.

  “I’m just not ready to date anyone. That’s it.” I forced a smile to cover my partial truth and searched for another topic to leave this whole conversation behind.

  “Okay.” Vicky nodded her head and didn’t pry any further. Although, I could tell from the little crinkle in her brow, she had more to say.

  But she didn’t.

  Thankfully.

  I STOOD IN front of my bathroom mirror, staring at the make-up I had just applied. I didn’t want to overdo it, but I wanted to look nice. I ran my new flat iron over my locks once more, hoping the humidity didn’t frizz my hair as soon as I walked out the front door.

  “Mama,” Gracie’s voice caught my attention behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw my baby girl standing up.

  “Baby!” I squealed, causing Gracie to lose her balance and land on her padded bottom. Her lower lip poked out and she began to whimper.

  I giggled, dropping the hot iron onto the counter and turned on my heel, scooping her into my arms.

  “I’m sorry. Mama didn’t mean to scare you.” I pressed her chubby body against my chest and just like that, her frown became a smile.

  “You were standing all by yourself. You’re such a big girl!” I gushed, placing her on her feet, her knees locking as she wrapped her little hands around my index fingers.

  “You want to try again?” As if she knew exactly what to do, Gracie released her grip and held her arms in the air.

  “Yay!” My response was much quieter this time, and I clapped lightly as she took two tiny little steps closer to me before gripping my legs tightly.

  “Mama’s big girl!” I praised her, lifting her into the air. I had a feeling she would start walking before her first birthday. It wasn’t too far away, so I was more than convinced now.

  “We’ll practice more after church, okay, baby?” I sat her on the counter and began to brush through her fine locks with the soft brush.

  “Kay,” she replied, and I giggled at her response, which she also repeated.

  As soon as I put the oversized bow in her hair, courtesy of Alana’s cra
fting skills, I heard my cell phone begin to ring in the other room. I lifted Gracie into my arms and carried her with me, my feet shuffling across the carpeted floor.

  I swiped my phone from the pillow on my bed and stared at the screen, my heart beginning to pound just as it did a couple of days ago.

  UNKNOWN CALLER.

  Those simple words made my stomach drop to my knees, but I forced my shaky finger to swipe across the screen.

  “Hello.” I did my best to conceal the shakiness in my voice.

  I was met with silence on the other end of the line. I took a deep breath before repeating myself.

  “Hello,” I spoke a little louder, with more authority this time, although I felt anything but bold.

  I heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line, then the call disconnected in my ear. Part of me hoped that it was just a coincidence, but the bigger part of me knew the truth.

  It was Aaron.

  I knew he had enough money to get my number, no matter how hard I tried to keep it private. I hated that he still had power over me, even with so much distance between us. I prayed that there was still distance. I was new at the praying business, but I was learning. And I was trying to wrap my head around God’s power. I had to believe it was greater than Aaron’s.

  Vicky had told me her famous words more times than I could count, and I was doing my best.

  Trust Him.

  Although it was hard trusting in something or someone I couldn’t see, I was trying.

  I stared at the screen for another moment, watching it fade to black before I silenced the ringer. I was determined to make today a good day. I looked forward to church every week now. Although this week would be a little different after my interaction with Joshua last Sunday.

  Maybe he wouldn’t be there this week.

  I kept that little piece of silly hope in my mind as I finished getting the both of us ready and out the door before we were late.

  I tried to tuck my paranoia about Aaron away but continued to look in all directions as I locked my front door, double checking it, and searching the parking lot as I shuffled to my car.

  Once we were on our way, I continued to take in my surroundings, making sure no one was following us. I hoped that one day I wouldn’t be forced to live this way, watching and waiting for Aaron to make an appearance.

  But a strange sense of peace washed over me as soon as we walked through those double glass doors. It seemed to happen each and every time I arrived, and I was thankful.

  I was greeted with faces that were becoming familiar to me, although I couldn’t remember any of their names yet. But Madi was the exception.

  “Mimimimi!” Gracie began to yell and tried to break free from my arms as soon as Madi caught her eye. I smiled at her growing vocabulary and her love for Vicky’s daughter.

  “There she is!” Madi’s high-pitched voice only fueled Gracie’s need to escape from my grasp. I loosened my grip as she leapt into Madi’s arms.

  “I’m pretty sure she missed you.” The way Gracie took to Madi was heartwarming.

  “Well I missed this little munchkin too!” She tickled Gracie under her chin, who responded with a loud chuckle.

  “Listen, um... I’m volunteering in the nursery today. Can my favorite little girl come in there today? Pretty please, Ryan,” she begged, pressing her face against Gracie’s and batting her big blue eyes at me.

  I hadn’t utilized the nursery at the church yet. I was lucky that Gracie kept pretty calm during the services, for the most part. Plus, I wasn’t so sure about leaving her in an unfamiliar place. I didn’t want her to cry or get scared.

  “You can come check it out. And if she doesn’t like it, I promise, we’ll come get you.” She could obviously see the resistance on my face.

  “Promise?” I gave her a stern glance, worry marring my face.

  “Cross my heart.” She drew a cross over her chest, then held up her free hand, as if she were under oath.

  “Let’s go look,” I relented, letting out a nervous sigh. But the nerves were more for me than Gracie. I knew she would be safe with Madi, and maybe it would be good for her.

  We walked into the colorful nursery and Gracie let out a loud “oohhh” sound. We both giggled at her excitement as Madi handed me a sign-in sheet.

  “She’ll be fine. I promise.” Her assurance gave me just enough courage to kiss Gracie on the head and make my retreat. I looked over my shoulder, twice, but Gracie was consumed with toys and wiggling to the music playing in the background to pay me any attention.

  I walked into the sanctuary and found my usual seat next to Vicky. She greeted me with a side hug, just as the music began. The familiar feeling of comfort washed over me, just as it did each week. I found myself watching the words on the screen next to the stage and mouthing the song, although I hadn’t let a sound escape my lips. I wasn’t exactly a good singer; no one needed to hear it.

  During the second song, I noticed his stride as he walked up the aisle next to me. I couldn’t look away as he glanced over his shoulder and locked his eyes with mine. He gave me a crooked smile I hadn’t seen before and it caused my breath to hitch. But I didn’t smile back, all I could do was stare at him. Out of fear. Out of worry. Out of unworthiness. Until he turned his back to me and made his way to his usual seat on the front row. Vicky’s elbow into my side caught me by surprise and drew my attention away from him.

  I looked over and she wiggled her eyebrows at me. I shook my head in response, trying not to encourage her and forced my attention back on the music that was playing so beautifully, determined to concentrate on my reason for being here.

  As the service came to an end, I felt refreshed and comforted. I loved the way the preacher seemed to put things in perspective, and in such a way that helped me understand this new journey I was on.

  But as much as I enjoyed the service, I was more than ready to check on my girl. I said my good-byes to Vicky and Lee and quickly made my way to the nursery. Gracie was standing with Madi holding her fingers, wiggling back and forth, dancing to a song referencing Father Abraham. It was unfamiliar to me, but Gracie seemed to enjoy it. I made a mental note to find it for her.

  “Hi, baby!” I cooed at Gracie when she noticed me coming closer to her.

  “Mama!” She plopped on her bottom and began to crawl quickly in my direction. Before she reached me, she turned on a single knee and crawled back, grabbing a small pink bear, clutching it into her fist before holding her arms in the air. That was my cue.

  “Did you have fun?” I planted a kiss on her forehead before looking up at Madi.

  “She was so good. She loved it.” Her bright smile was infectious.

  “Thank you for hanging out with her.” I gave her an unexpected hug, which she reciprocated without hesitation.

  “Are you kidding? I love her!” Her face showed me, even before her words told me, and I was so grateful for that family.

  “I think that feeling is mutual. Are you ready, baby girl?” I asked over the sounds of Gracie singing.

  “We’ll see you next week.” I took the diaper bag from Madi’s hand and began to make our way out the door before I noticed she was still clutching the pink bear.

  “Oh no, honey, that’s not yours. You have to leave that.” I tried to gently take the bear from her hand, but her fingers were gripping it tightly.

  “Bababa!” She pulled the bear closer to her body.

  “It’s not yours.” I tried to coax it from her hands before Madi intervened.

  “Actually, it is. It was a gift.” She smiled at me, and I noticed her eyes glance over my shoulder.

  “I hope you don’t mind.” I heard the deep rumble of his voice behind me, and my heart began to pound.

  Joshua.

  I needed to turn around. I knew that. But my body was frozen, just a slab of concrete planted firmly in place. I looked at Madi who had conveniently turned her back to me and was picking up the toys that were littering the floor.

 
; I forced my body to turn but tried not to look at him.

  I tried not to notice the deep blue hue of his eyes.

  I tried not to notice the way his dark hair reminded me of the dark silk chocolate you see on the commercials.

  I tried not to notice the light coat of scruff that covered that deep dimple on his cheek.

  I tried not to notice the way he rubbed his thumb against his index finger, possibly a nervous habit, at his side.

  And I knew all of my trying was in vain.

  I also knew I needed to speak.

  Or run.

  “Thank you.” My voice was meek as my eyes landed on his, locking, and I knew what I had to do.

  “I gotta go,” I mumbled brushing past him, my feet unable to walk as fast as I needed without breaking out into a full sprint. I kept my eyes forward as I searched for my parking spot.

  I latched Gracie into her car seat and slid into the driver’s side, starting the car and maneuvering my way out of the parking lot.

  “Well, that should do it,” I scoffed at my own ridiculousness.

  There was no way he would try to pursue me. He was probably convinced I had serious issues. And rightly so.

  If there were ever any doubt, I squashed those.

  Way to go, Ryan.

  I SPENT THE rest of our Sunday lounging with my girl, but as I lay in my bed, with the silence surrounding me, I couldn’t help but think of Joshua. The fact that he went out of his way to get Gracie a stuffed bear caused my chest to tighten. And the way I practically ran out of the church was downright embarrassing. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it. I didn’t understand why he seemed to like me. I was damaged goods, he really had no idea what he was trying to get himself into. He deserved someone pure and good. Someone who hadn’t been through the mess that I’d allowed myself to be immersed in. Someone who deserved him, and that wasn’t me.

  You are worthy.

  The words ran through my mind and caused my heart to pound against my chest. I assumed my sub-conscious was trying to convince me of something other than the truth. But the overwhelming urge that followed made me wonder, and I began to whisper.